INT. KATE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY           65

Kate hangs up the phone and rubs her green face.

                                                                 KATE
                                What's wrong with him?  He's never acted like
                                such an asshole before.  Hmmmmm?

Kate gets up and pulls on a pair of jeans.

INT. AARON'S BEDROOM - DAY           66

Beth heads into the bedroom, removing the nightshirt as she goes.  Aaron follows along.  Beth is down to her panties as she riffles through the clothes all over the floor.  Aaron looks at Beth appreciatively.

                                                                 AARON
                                                           (grinning)
                                Ya know, for having had two kids, Beth, you
                                still look great.

Aaron steps up behind Beth, takes a hold of her waist pulling her against him.  Beth turns, takes Aaron's face in her hands and gives him big kiss.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (disengaging)
                                Later.

EXT. STREET - DAY           67

Kate marches up the sidewalk wearing jeans, the t-shirt she slept in, unlaced high-top sneakers, and her hair all over the place.  Beth's rental green Taurus drives up going the other way and stops.  Beth calls out the window . . .

                                                                 BETH
                                Kate.

Kate looks at Beth, taking a second to recognize her.

                                                                 KATE
                                Beth?  What are you doing here?

                                                                 BETH
                                Remember, I said we'd get together for lunch
                                today.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (confused)
                                But it's eight in the morning.

                                                                 BETH
                                I woke up hungry.  Jump in, we'll go get breakfast.

Kate gets in the car, still looking confused.

                                                                 KATE
                                Where are you coming from?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (casually)
                                From my mom's house.

                                                                 KATE
                                That's in the other direction.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (shrugs)
                                It depends where you get off the freeway.  They
                                say "motorway" in New Zealand, by the by.

INT. AARON'S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM - DAY           68

Aaron enters the living room, steps up to his laptop computer and turns it on.  He loosens up his neck muscles, stretches his arms and does a few deep-knee-bends as the computer boots up.

EXT. ANN ARBOR - DAY           69

The green Taurus with Kate and Beth in it drives through the town of Ann Arbor.  Outdoor cafes, bars, book stores, restaurants, lots of students.  There is a banner stretched across State Street stating, "Happy Independence Day."

INT. TAURUS - DAY           70

Beth drives and Kate sits stonily in the passenger seat.  Beth points at the banner.

                                                                 BETH
                                Hey!  What a coincidence.  I feel free for the
                                first time in years.

                                                                 KATE
                                You sure seem a whole lot happier.

                                                                 BETH
                                I am happier.

                                                                 KATE
                                Did you get laid last night?

                                                                 BETH
                                I'll never tell.  Let's eat, I'm famished.

                                                                 KATE
                                You did, didn't you?


                                                                 BETH
                                And if I did, what's the big deal?  People get laid
                                every second of the day, why shouldn't I?
                                                           (looks at her watch)
                                There, someone just got laid.

                                                                 KATE
                                It's not that you shouldn't, it's that you went out
                                and did it.  Was this anyone you've ever met before
                                or just someone you picked up someplace?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (slightly offended)
                                You don't have much respect for me, do you?

Kate points in Beth's face.

                                                                 KATE
                                Hey!  Go ahead and kid anybody else on the whole
                                planet, but not me, Beth. I know you.  I was there.
                                You've done things that still make me shudder.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (shrugs)
                                Okay, all right.  Excuse me.  Well, no, I did not pick
                                up anyone in a bar.  It was someone I already knew.

                                                                 KATE
                                Who?

                                                                 BETH
                                Does it matter?

                                                                 KATE
                                You won't tell me who?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (shakes her head)
                                Uh-uh.

Kate looks at her suspiciously.

                                                                 KATE
                                It was Aaron, wasn't it?

                                                                 BETH
                                What if it was?

Kate is totally shocked.

                                                                 KATE
                                You slept with Aaron?  Last night?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (nods)
                                Uh-huh.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (shocked)
                                Get the fuck  outta here.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (surprised)
                                Hey!  He's my old boyfriend.  What's it to you?

                                                                 KATE
                                He's my best friend, that's all.  So, uh, how was
                                it?

                                                                 BETH
                                Great.  My memory didn't betray me, and neither
                                did Aaron.  I'm a new woman.
                                                           (Beth touches her sides)
                                There are muscles you use for sex that you don't
                                use for anything else.  Oooh!

                                                                 KATE
                                And that's why you came all the way here from
                                New Zealand?  To have sex with Aaron?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (nods)
                                Uh-huh.  I've been thinking about this for more
                                than a year - who was the man that I had the best
                                sex with that was still alive - the very best seem to
                                have all ended up getting killed in car or motorcycle
                                wrecks.

                                                                 KATE
                                So, Aaron was the best sex you ever had?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (shakes her head)
                                No, Ray Gittens was, but he got killed in a motorcycle
                                wreck.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (nods)
                                No kidding.  Of all the people I've ever known, Ray
                                seems like the most likely to have died in a motorcycle
                                wreck.  He spent all of high school in the parking lot
                                patching out.

                                                                 BETH
                                After him came Kenny Holman, but he died in a car
                                wreck.  But after him, Aaron came next.

                                                                 KATE
                                Why?

                                                                 BETH
                                You wanna know why?

                                                                 KATE
                                Yeah, I do.

                                                                 BETH
                                Well . . . He has more fun having sex than
                                anyone else.  When he climaxes he bursts out
                                laughing.  And I think it's hysterical.


                                                                 KATE
                                This happened last night?

                                                                 BETH
                                Yes.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (perturbed)
                                Hmmmmmm . . . ?

                                                                 BETH
                                What's your interest?

                                                                 KATE
                                I'm just, ya know, interested, that's all.  I like
                                Aaron.

                                                                 BETH
                                Have you slept with him?

Kate answers too quickly:

                                                                 KATE
                                No.  Uh-uh.  We're just friends.  We don't even
                                kiss or anything.

Beth notes the change.

                                                                 BETH
                                Well, should you ever decide to, take it from
                                me.  Aaron is okay in bed.  Even still, eleven
                                years later.

Kate nods thoughtfully.

INT. AARON'S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM - DAY           71

We see Aaron's glowing computer, then Aaron rises into frame - he's doing one-armed Rocky push-ups, his face-contorting with the strain.

INT. THE DEL RIO RESTAURANT - DAY           72

Kate and Beth are seated in a nice little restaurant.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (prodding)
                                But you don't really care about men, right?  In
                                fact, you go out of your way to avoid them.  You're
                                little-miss-artificial-insemination.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (looks around)
                                Say it a little louder, why don't you.  I care about
                                men.  I'm just a little pickier than you, that's all.

                                                                 BETH
                                Ha!  A little pickier, that's funny.  I have a kid that's
                                ten years old, and another that's eight.  I'm ready
                                to get divorced after eleven years of marriage, and
                                you're just getting pregnant.  Did they use a syringe?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (aghast)
                                A what?

She looks around to see if anyone else heard.

                                                                 BETH
                                A syringe.  Or was it, like a stainless steel tube,
                                or something?  This sounds like a science fiction
                                story.  Only you, Kate.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (offended)
                                What does that mean?  Everyone's been saying
                                that shit my whole life.  "Only you, Kate."  That
                                really pisses me off.  I'm not crazy, ya know!

People turn and look.  Beth gets nervous.

                                                                 BETH
                                Kate, get a hold of yourself, this is a public place.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (evenly and quietly)
                                All I want is a baby, that's it.  I'll be a good mother.
                                The child will not want for anything.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (shrugs)
                                Except a father.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (stung)
                                Well, what about yours?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (confused)
                                My father?  What about him?

                                                                 KATE
                                No, your husband.

                                                                 BETH
                                Oh, him.  I love him, he just won't get his shit
                                together.  He blinked twice and went from being
                                a happy-go-lucky, good-looking guy with an accent,
                                to a husband and a dad of two, and he can't make
                                the adjustment.

                                                                 KATE
                                What are you gonna do?

                                                                 BETH
                                I just did it.  I'm here.  I left my husband and
                                two beautiful children because I was about to
                                lose my mind.  I dreamed a dream, went out
                                and accomplished it. Independence Day.  Aaron's
                                still around, maybe he and I will hook up for a
                                while.  Make love six times a day, 'til we hurt
                                ourselves.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (blurts)
                                Uh . . . I didn't get artificially inseminated.

                                                                 BETH
                                This doesn't get any weirder, does it?  It's start-
                                ing to sound like Rosemary's Baby.

                                                                 KATE
                                No, it doesn't, thank you very much.

                                                                 BETH
                                So what method of conception did you finally
                                decide on?  Freeze-dried sperm from Sweden?

                                                                 KATE
                                No.  The old-fashioned kind.

                                                                 BETH
                                You've got me confused, now which kind is
                                that?

                                                                 KATE
                                From sex.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (impressed)
                                Ah yes, that kind.  Well, all right, Kate.  With
                                whom, if I may be so bold?

                                                                 KATE
                                Well . . . Actually, it was Aaron.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (grins)
                                You let me talk and didn't say a word.  Tell, tell.
                                Did he burst out laughing when he came?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (frowns)
                                Well . . . no.  The first time I sort of assaulted
                                him.  The second time . . . uh-uh.  The third time,
                                maybe.

                                                                 BETH
                                There's no maybe, Kate.  You'd know about it.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (explaining)
                                You see, Aaron and I have a deal.

                                                                 BETH
                                What kind of deal?

                                                                 KATE
                                I used him instead of the artificial insemination,
                                but it's going to be my baby.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (nods)
                                Uh-huh.

                                                                 KATE
                                It all makes complete sense.

                                                                 BETH
                                Sure it does.

                                                                 KATE
                                It does.

                                                                 BETH
                                So, let me see if I've got this straight?  You had
                                sex with your best friend, whom you see all the
                                time and speak to everyday, so you can have a
                                baby without a father, and Aaron can just pretend
                                to be a friend of the family?  Is that how it's gonna
                                work?


                                                                 KATE
                                Well, yeah, I guess.

Beth puts her hand on Kate's shoulder.

                                                                 BETH
                                You wanna know what I really think?  That's the
                                stupidest thing I've ever heard.  How does Aaron
                                feel about it?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (ashamed)
                                Well . . . He doesn't seem to think it's such a
                                great idea, either.  So I kinda told him we should-
                                n't see each other for a while.

                                                                 BETH
                                And you wonder why people say, "Only you,
                                Kate?"  Because only you would come up with
                                such a whacko, idiotic scheme.

                                                                 KATE
                                Hey!  I think it's a good plan.

                                                                 BETH
                                Oh, well, then it's a good plan.

                                                                 KATE
                                What's wrong with it?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (shakes her head)
                                You're joking.  It's not nice.

                                                                 KATE
                                To whom is it not nice?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (counts on her fingers)
                                Well . . . let's see?  The baby, Aaron, you, your
                                parents, Aaron's parents, your grandpar -

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (cuts Beth off)
                                - I got it.  You think it's that bad of a plan?

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (nods)
                                Yeah.

                                                                 KATE
                                Well, then, why did Aaron go for it?  Huh?

                                                                 BETH
                                I'll just bet it was a way to get to sleep with you
                                after all these years.  You don't put out too easily.

                                                                 KATE
                                No, not as easily as you.  How long did you wait
                                with Aaron?

                                                                 BETH
                                Uh . . . It was the first date.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (grins triumphantly)
                                Where?

                                                                 BETH
                                In the backseat of a car.  My guess is Aaron
                                likes you.

                                                                 KATE
                                I know he likes me.  We talk everyday.  That is,
                                we did until I started with this artificial insem-
                                ination business.  You had sex with him on the
                                first date?

                                                                 BETH
                                In the backseat of a car.  When the question of
                                whose sperm to use came up, Kate, did you have
                                to really search around in your mind for who to
                                choose, or did you know right away.

                                                                 KATE
                                I knew right away, but that's not love.

                                                                 BETH
                                Oh, Kate, you've read too many books.  What is
                                love, anyway?

                                                                 KATE
                                Well . . .
                                                           (remembers and smiles)
                                It's equal parts passion and compassion.  It's like
                                Yin and Yang.  If you don't have both parts you're
                                sunk.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (nods)
                                That's a good definition.  Where did you hear that?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (ironically)
                                From Aaron.

                                                                 BETH
                                So?  Clearly you both have compassion for each
                                other - I mean, nobody could listen to your crazy
                                horseshit day in and day out for these years and not
                                be compassionate . . .

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (tolerant)
                                Thank you, Beth.

                                                                 BETH
                                So, how was the passion part?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (nods)
                                It was good.

                                                                 BETH
                                That's it?  Not even better than usual?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (hot)
                                There is no usual!  I rarely have sex anymore.

                                                                 BETH
                                But you did just do it with Aaron.

                                                                 KATE
                                So did you.

                                                                 BETH
                                Yeah, but I don't think you can compare them,
                                Kate.  You guys didn't use any gym equipment,
                                did you?

                                                                 KATE
                                No.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (nods)
                                Well . . . You haven't answered my question,
                                Kate.  How was it?  I think you're avoiding it.
                                Why?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (having difficulty)
                                But I know him so well.  How could he possibly
                                be the love of my life?  Don't you see . . . the love
                                of my life'll swoop down out of nowhere and lift
                                me up, out of my dull little existence, and up into
                                something beautiful and magical.  With no con-
                                nection to anything like it is right now.  All new.
                                Completely improved.  Blissful . . .
                                                           (Beth looks at her patiently)
                                . . . You think I'm setting unrealistic standards?

                                                                 BETH
                                No, no, Kate, I love Cinderella.  I guess I just
                                forgot about the part where Prince Charming
                                knocked her up.

Kate starts to cry.

                                                                  KATE
                                I'm really confused.

                                                                 BETH
                                Kate, this isn't a study you're making, this is
                                something you've gone and done.  Now you're
                                pregnant and Aaron's the father.  If you have
                                this baby and exclude Aaron from the process,
                                you'll always regret it.  Take my word for it.

Kate finally comes to the realization of what this all means.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (frowns)
                                What have I done?

                                                                 BETH
                                What are you gonna do, that's the question?

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (shakes her head)
                                . . . I'm not sure.

Beth looks Kate in the eye.

                                                                 BETH
                                Are you considering an abortion?

Kate answers quickly.

                                                                 KATE
                                No.  This may be my only chance.

                                                                 BETH
                                Then what're you gonna do?

                                                                 KATE
                                Hmmmmm . . . ?

INT. AARON'S HOUSE - DAY           73

Aaron sits in his living room reading Parent and Child by Dr. Benjamin Spock, listening to Dave Brubeck, and smoking a cigarette.  He glances over at the computer, which is off, winces, and goes back to his book.  Finally, he drops the book in his lap and sighs.

                                                                 AARON
                                                           (wistfully)
                                Kate . . .

Aaron drops his head back and shuts his eyes.

Suddenly, Aaron jumps out his chair, dashes over to a pile of magazines, goes to the bottom and retrieves a Penthouse.  He flips through it until he arrives at a lesbian pictorial.

                                                                 AARON
                                Kate . . . and Beth.

He looks at the photos eagerly for a second, then gets a better idea.  Aaron drops the magazine and sprints to the video tapes.  In the case marked Old Yeller Aaron takes out a tape actually marked No Man's Land.  He plugs in the tape, takes the remote, pushes pause, then exits the room.  He returns a moment later with a roll of paper towel.

Aaron tosses the Penthouse and the paper towel on the floor, then drops into the chair.  He pushes play.  He watches the tape for a second as two woman prepare to have sex with each other, then Aaron squints.

                                                                 AARON
                                Shit, I need my glasses.

He pauses the tape, then searches for his glasses.  He finds them, puts them on, and starts again.  The tape rolls: the two buxom babes take each other's clothes off.  As Aaron watches the action closely, the two babes magically transform into Kate and Beth!  They continue to busily undress one another.

Aaron grins lasciviously, and begins to follow suit, slowly unbuttoning his pants.

When Kate and Beth have got each other down to bra and panties, Aaron unbuckles his belt, and -

There's a loud knock on the front door, three feet away from Aaron's chair.  Aaron is startled and bolts out of the chair, his pants hanging open, pornography playing on the TV, a Penthouse and a roll of paper towel on the floor.  Aaron looks like an escaped POW in an enemy spotlight - which way to turn?

Aaron speaks into his hand to intentionally muffle his voice.

                                                                 AARON
                                Who's there?

He quickly goes for his open pants and belt.

                                                                 BETH
                                                           (through the door)
                                It's Beth.

He pauses the video and whispers to himself:

                                                                 AARON
                                Whew!  It's only Beth.
                                                           (loud)
                                Hold on.
                                                           (he opens the door and
                                                           comes face to face with Kate;
                                                           Aaron speaks in a little voice)
                                Kate, hi.

Aaron attempts blocking the doorway with his body.  He still has the remote control in his hand.  He tosses it behind himself onto the couch.  It hits the cushion, bounces, and when it lands on the floor the picture and sound on the TV come back to life - two girls getting it on - loud.

                                                                 KATE
                                Did we wake you?

                                                                 AARON
                                                           (stupefied)
                                Wake me?  Yeah, that's it, I just sort of crashed
                                out on the -

                                                                 KATE
                                - Why is the TV so loud?


                                                                 AARON
                                - Couch, with the TV on, and, hold on okay?

Aaron slams the door and turns around with a stricken expression.

EXT. AARON'S FRONT DOOR - DAY           74

Beth and Kate look at each other quizzically.

INT. AARON'S HOUSE - DAY           73A

Aaron finishes buckling his belt, kicks the magazine and paper towel under the chair, punches stop on the video, and silence returns.

                                                                 AARON
                                All right.
                                                           (Aaron opens the door)
                                Hi.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (concerned)
                                Are you okay?

                                                                 AARON
                                Fine.  Couldn't be better.  Kate, Beth, come on
                                in.

They both enter.  Aaron seats them on the couch, then he sits on the arm of the chair across from them.

                                                                 AARON
                                So, what's up?  Seeing you two together is like
                                the old days.

Kate and Beth both look at each other and nod.

                                                                 KATE
                                What've you been up to?

                                                                 AARON
                                                           (smiles)
                                Beats me.

He crosses his legs and the paper towel comes rolling out from under the chair.  It rolls across the floor, leaving a path to the Penthouse, then disappears between both woman's feet under the couch.  Aaron claps his hands:

                                                                 AARON
                                So, what brings you two over here?

Beth and Kate exchange a look.  Beth turns to Aaron with a serious expression.

                                                                 BETH
                                Aaron, I don't think you and I should sleep
                                together anymore.

                                                                 AARON
                                Oh, really?  Why?

                                                                 BETH
                                Because Kate told me everything, and it just
                                doesn't seem right.  You're gonna have a kid.

                                                                 AARON
                                No, she is, didn't she tell you.  She could've had a
                                syringe-full of Gomer Pyle's sperm, but she chose
                                mine instead.
                                                           (Aaron turns to Kate)
                                Sh-zam!  Sh-zam!  Sh-zam!

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (angry)
                                Fuck you!

                                                                 AARON
                                You already did.  Are gonna to follow me around
                                now and tell all the women I sleep with that I
                                impregnated you?

Kate is offended.

                                                                 KATE
                                That's not fair, Beth is my best friend, I've known
                                her longer than you.  Beth was my friend before
                                you ever met her.

Aaron looks at Beth.

                                                                 AARON
                                That's not true.  Beth and I knew each other at
                                camp when we were kids.  We even kissed once
                                when we were about thirteen.  We actually went
                                skinny-dipping, except you kept your underwear
                                on.

                                                                 BETH
                                And so did you.

                                                                 AARON
                                Did I?  How funny, I can't remember.  It's been
                                over twenty years.
                                                           (he turns to Kate)
                                So, I've known her longer than you.

Aaron sticks out his tongue, then realizes it still hurts.

                                                                 KATE
                                                           (rolls her eyes)
                                Fine.

Beth waves her hands.

                                                                 BETH
                                Look, you two.  I have no vested interest here
                                other than you're my two oldest friends and I'd
                                like to see you both happy.  You're acting like
                                idiots.  Straighten this out.
                                                           (points at Kate)
                                You're pregnant . . .
                                                           (points at Aaron)
                                . . . And you got her that way.  It doesn't matter
                                what your reasons were - you've gone and done
                                it.  Now what're you going to do?  Clearly, staying
                                single into your thirties has made you both crazy.
                                I recommend that you both grow up and stop act-
                                ing like kids.  I know, I've got kids.  And even
                                though their father's a jerk, maybe I should get
                                back to them.
                                                           (Beth stands)
                                I'm taking off.  If you want me I'll be at my mom's
                                house packing.  And one more thing, this isn't a
                                joke.

Beth Leaves.

 

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