EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

There is a sign draped across the front of the building stating,"Just Opened!"
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Jay and Jen sit at a booth and neither one is talking.  They have neither water nor menus and Jay is looking around in annoyance.

                                                                 JAY
                                What's the Goddamn deal here?  They opened the
                                restaurant and forgot to hire waiters.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                Just calm down, they'll get here.

                                                                 JAY
                                I really hate to be told to calm down.  Don't tell
                                me that.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                Look, Jay, it's not working.

                                                                 JAY
                                I know.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                What should we do?

                                                                 JAY
                                We could try throwing the silverware, that might
                                get their attention.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                                           (angry)
                                Not that, Goddamnit!  I'm talking about our situation.

                                                                 JAY
                                                           (rolls his eyes)
                                What situation?
                                                           (sighs)
                                All right, I'm sorry, go ahead.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                Well . . . A relationship is based on a lot of diff-
                                erent things: attraction, trust, respect, shared
                                interests.  Other than screwing when we're drunk,
                                I'm not sure that we have anything in common . . .

Jay's eyes have gone glassy like a dead fish.

INSIDE JAY'S HEAD . . .

EXT. THE NUREMBURG RALLY (STOCK SHOT) - DAY

Six hundred thousand Nazis raise their hands in salute to Der Fuhrer.  Adolf Hitler stands at the podium smirking smugly from beneath the visor of his cap.  Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels, and Hermann Goering all lurk nearby.  The crowd's roar is deafening.

However, through the din we can begin to hear Jen's voice.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                                           (O.S.)
                                . . . And even though, theoretically, I'd actually kind
                                of like it to work, I just don't think that it is . . .

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Jen is talking to a dazed-out Jay who isn't paying the slightest bit of attention.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                . . . Do you?

Jay snaps out of his reverie and focuses in on Jen.



                                                                 JAY
                                                           (in German)
                                Nein.
                                                           (back to English)
                                I mean, no.  It isn't.  Look, the only time you
                                loosen up enough to have a good time is when
                                you're drunk.  I mean, you can't actually expect
                                me to fall in love with someone who has to get
                                totally shitfaced before she'll have sex with me,
                                do you?

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                                           (looking around)
                                Say it louder, there might be someone in the back
                                that missed it.

A WAITER walks past and Jay grabs his sleeve.

                                                                 JAY
                                Are you our waiter?

                                                                 WAITER
                                No, sir.  I'm not.

                                                                 JAY
                                                           (pissed)
                                Then get the Goddamn manager because I'm
                                furious!

                                                                 WAITER
                                Yes, sir.

The waiter scurries away.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                And what do you think you're going to accom-
                                plish?

                                                                 JAY
                                It's a new restaurant, this is the time to make sug-
                                gestions.

The MANAGER, with short hair, glasses, a suit and tie, looking down at a clipboard comes walking up to the table.  He looks up and it's Pete!  His hair is cut off and he's clean shaven.  His expression is completely deadpan.

                                                                 PETE
                                Yes?

                                                                 JAY
                                                           (amazed)
                                Pete?


                                                                 JENNIFER
                                                           (shocked)
                                Oh my God.

                                                                 PETE
                                                           (flatly)
                                Can I help you?

Jay and Jen are dumbstruck.

                                                                 JAY
                                What happened to you?

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                You cut off your hair.

                                                                 PETE
                                I made a change.  It was time.  What's the problem?

                                                                 JAY
                                Well, we can't get any service.

                                                                 PETE
                                We're understaffed at the moment.  We're in the
                                process of hiring more people.  I apologize for the
                                inconvenience.  I'll get your waiter for you right
                                away.  Enjoy your meal.

Pete walks away, his face expressionless, his eyes burning.

Jen and Jay look at each other in amazement.



                                                                 JAY
                                I can't believe it.  He's like a whole nuther person.
                                Why would he do that?

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                Change can be a good thing sometimes.

Jen looks straight at Jay.


EXT. JAY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Jay's car sits in the driveway in front of the house.

INT. JAY'S CAR - NIGHT

Jay and Jen sit in the car facing straight ahead not talking.  Finally . . .

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                I'm leaving.

                                                                 JAY
                                You see, I'm right.  The end is very clear.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                                           (nods)
                                Yeah, in this case.

                                                                 JAY
                                Where will you go?

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                I'll stay with a friend for a while, then I'll get my
                                own place.

                                                                 JAY
                                                           (nods)
                                It was bound to be.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                Why?


                                                                 JAY
                                'Cause you never wanted it to work.  This was just
                                a stop-over on your way from one place to another.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                What about you?  Did you want it to work?

                                                                 JAY
                                                           (hesitates)
                                . . . I don't know.  I'm pretty used to being alone.  I
                                kind of like it.  I'm not sure it's possible for me to
                                share my life with anyone else anymore.
                                                           (looks away)
                                I don't seem to have any friends anymore, either.

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                I'm sorry about you and Pete.  He didn't seem very
                                happy to see us.

                                                                 JAY
                                No, he didn't.
                                                           (chuckles)
                                He looks like he did when he was ten.

They both drop into silence, then they speak simultaneously.

                                                                 JAY & JENNIFER
                                Well . . .

They both shrug, then laugh.  They reach over and hug, then kiss.  The kiss goes on for an extended moment, then their lips part.

                                                                 JAY
                                How about a margarita?
                                                           (Jen smiles, looking
                                                           doubtful)
                                I'll tell you what, I'll just make them and if
                                you want one you can have it, O.K.?

                                                                 JENNIFER
                                If they're there I'll drink them.



                                                                 JAY
                                                           (grins fiendishly)
                                I know.

They get out of the car and go inside.

                                                                                                       DISSOLVE:

INT. JAY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Jay takes a ream of three-hole punched paper out of a plastic bag.  He then takes a black, cardboard report cover, puts the metal binder through the holes of the paper, attaches the front cover, bends the metal bands and there it is: a book.  He opens the front cover revealing the title page -- "This Gun For Himmler" by Jay Bennett.  Jay shuts the cover and slides the book into a manila envelope addressed to "Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc., 666 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10103."

                                                                 JAY
                                                           (to himself)
                                She better be right.

EXT. JAY'S HOUSE - DAY

Jay drives down the driveway and stops at the mailbox.  He puts the manila envelope into the mailbox, raises the red flag, looks up to God, puts his hands together and says a quick prayer in Hebrew.

                                                                 JAY
                                Baruch atah adonai eluhaynu melech haolom . . .

SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be they name, please get my book published and have it become a best-seller."

                                                                 JAY
                                . . . Amen.

Jay gets back in his car and drives away.

EXT. WOODED COURT - DAY

The sun shines through the trees dappling the wooded court with radiant beams.  Jay's car drives around the circle and parks.  He shuts off his engine and all is quiet save the wind and the chirping birds.

Jay sits there smoking a cigarette and thinking, the window open, the smoke floating up into the sky.  After a moment he takes out his Best Buy cigarette pack and shakes out a joint.  Jay looks north, south, east and west, satisfies his paranoia, and lights the joint.

As he holds in the first big hit, Jay turns and looks at the empty passenger seat.  He takes another big hit and fantastically, Pete materializes beside him and takes the joint.

                                                                 PETE
                                . . . You came and got me at my cabin and you led
                                me up Voyager hill to another cabin, maybe your own,
                                I don't know, and everyone inside was playing Monopoly
                                on the floor.  You had tons of firecrackers . . .

                                                                 JAY
                                . . . Yeah, I did.  I always did . . .

                                                                 PETE
                                . . . And we lit the firecrackers and dropped them
                                through a hole in the screen right onto the Monopoly
                                board where they blew up and blew all the pieces and
                                the money to hell!  Remember?

                                                                 JAY
                                                           (smile fades)
                                . . . No.  I don't remember that.

                                                                 PETE
                                                           (shocked)
                                What do you mean?  How could you not remember?

                                                                 JAY
                                I don't.  I remember being at camp that summer, I kinda
                                sorta remember you, but not really.

                                                                 PETE
                                This was a memorable and exciting day for me.  It
                                stood out.  What do you mean, you don't remember
                                me?  We were friends.

                                                                 JAY
                                Oh, come on.  You were a little kid.  We older kids
                                didn't hang around with you younger kids.  It wouldn't
                                have been cool.

                                                                 PETE
                                You hung around with me.

                                                                 JAY
                                No I didn't.  We didn't become friends until a couple
                                of years later, when I was in high school and you were
                                in junior high.

                                                                 PETE
                                No, no, no.  Totally wrong.  We became friends . . .

Pete's voice and body fade away and disappear.  The passenger seat is empty.

Jay is left by himself smiling.  After a while his smile fades.  He goes to hit the joint and it's out.  Jay brings the lighter up to the end of the roach and . . .

                                                                 PETE
                                Boo!

Pete has popped up out of nowhere.

                                                                 JAY
                                Holy shit!

Jay screams like he's going to die.  Pete, with his short hair and no beard, starts to laugh, but backs away from the window just in case.  Pete and Jay look at each other without saying a word, assessing each other motives.  Finally, Pete reaches into his pocket, takes out a five dollar bill and hands it to Jay.

                                                                 PETE
                                Here.  I owe you this.

Jay takes the money.

                                                                 JAY
                                Thanks.

They look right at each other for a second, then Pete shrugs and walks away.

Jay sadly looks down at the five dollar bill in his hand.  He sighs and puts it in his pocket.

The passenger door opens and Pete gets in.  Jay smiles and hands him the roach.  Pete waves it away.

                                                                 PETE
                                I've got another one.

                                                                 JAY
                                Toast it up.

Which Pete does.  He takes a hit and passes it.  Jay takes a big hit and they both sit there in the smoky car holding it in.  They both exhale.

                                                                 JAY
                                And another thing . . . Women don't like the Three
                                Stooges.

                                                                 PETE
                                No, they don't.  They think they're stupid.

                                                                 JAY
                                And they are, but that's the point.

                                                                 PETE
                                Exactly.  Guess what?


                                                                 JAY
                                What?

                                                                 PETE
                                Guess where Jen is?

                                                                 JAY
                                Working for the government?

                                                                 PETE
                                No, she moved to Australia with her old boyfriend,
                                Phil McElwee.

                                                                 JAY
                                Oh, get out!

                                                                 PETE
                                No, it's true.  They moved to Melbourne.
                                                           (pauses)
                                You know, I really liked her.  She was terrific.


                                                                 JAY
                                                           (considers)
                                Fuck her.  She didn't know what she wanted.

                                                                 PETE
                                Sure she did.  Phil McElwee.

                                                                 JAY
                                Bullshit.  Just remember, all three of us are good
                                men, he just has an accent.

                                                                 PETE
                                Which brings us to another thing . . .
                                                           (end titles roll)
                                Women are suckers for accents.  You could have the
                                nicest guy in the world over here, and the biggest asshole
                                in the world with a British accent over there and women
                                will always go for the guy with the accent.

                                                                 JAY
                                Right.  And another thing . . .

They keep right on talking as we . . .

FADE OUT:

THE END

 

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