with illustrations by Jeff Ginyard from the original script
with illustrations by Jeff Ginyard from the original script
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CLEVELAND SMITH BY JOSH BECKER
Registered With The Copyright 1984 ©
EXTERIOR - JUNGLE Title: "1936: South America" A bamboo raft with three people on it floats down a twisting river. On board is: CLEVELAND SMITH - a tough square jawed man wearing a worn leather flight jacket and a stetson. He hasn't shaved in many days and has a cigar butt firmly planted in the corner of his mouth as he paddles the raft. KURT - a gangly, eighteen year old wearing cover-alls and a Detroit Tiger baseball cap, and THE PRISONER a burly, grizzled man with a long gray beard completely bound in rope. PRISONER CLEVELAND lights a wooden stick off of the PRISONERS face. CLEVELAND
CLEVELAND mistakenly drops his paddle. PRISONER CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND takes a long bamboo pole and begins pushing them up the creek. Nailed to a tree on shore a yellowed poster reads, "Wanted - Juan Valdez, Dead or Alive, $200.00". Another says, "Wanted - Caribou Lou, Dead or Alive, $500.00", and another says, "Wanted - 1935 Chevy engine parts, Call Ray". KURT sees something in the water. KURT CLEVELAND slams the bamboo pole against the rock and pushes them away. KURT sees something else. KURT CLEVELAND pulls out his pistol and starts shooting at some leather shoes that go floating past. CLEVELAND PRISONER They all turn and see a washing machine go floating by, just as they arrive in some very rough water. CLEVELAND tries to maneuver them through, jams the pole into the water and the raft shoots out from beneath him leaving him dangling on the pole. The raft quickly disappears down the rough water. CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND takes his coiled up whip from his belt and snaps it around an overhanging branch. He takes the whip in both hands and deftly swings to shore. As he attempts to pull the whip from the branch, he dumps a bird's nest and gets a face full of eggs. CLEVELAND He wipes his face, takes a match from his pocket, strikes it on a tree, lights his cigar butt and tosses the match. It lands, still lit, in a pile of leaves and starts to burn. A big furry paw comes down on CLEVELAND's shoulder. It is SMOKEY THE BEAR. SMOKEY EXTERIOR - HEAD SHOP A military truck with a swastika on the door pulls up in front of a thatch and bamboo stand with a sign above saying, "Head Shop". The door of the truck opens and out steps HAUPTENFUEHRER SEIGFRIED VON KOENIGSWALD, a Nazi officer wearing jodhpurs, black knee-high boots, a black shirt with a swastika on his arm and a dueling scar across his forehead, his left eye and cheek. He is greeted by the WITCH-DOCTOR, a tall native in a grass skirt with a bone necklace with a shrunken head on the end. WITCH-DOCTOR SEIGFRIED The WITCH DOCTOR rummages around behind the counter and comes up with a straw and wood voodoo doll. He hands it to SEIGFRIED. WITCH-DOCTOR
CLEVELAND reaches up and picks an apple from the tree beside him. He is just about to eat it when the tree comes to life and smacks the apple into CLEVELAND's face.
CLEVELAND takes out his pistol and aims it at the tree. CLEVELAND He fires, killing the tree. Just then a tough-looking man dressed in a worn flight jacket and a stetson with sixteen arrows and a spear through him appears. He drops into CLEVELAND'S arms. ALASKA CLEVELAND Alaska Brown reaches past several arrows into his jacket and retrieves an old folded piece of thick paper. He hands it to CLEVELAND. ALASKA CLEVELAND takes the map. CLEVELAND ALASKA CLEVELAND ALASKA CLEVELAND ALASKA CLEVELAND looks down at all of the arrows and the spear stuck in ALASKA. CLEVELAND ALASKA CLEVELAND ALASKA FLASHBACK INTERIOR - PALACE A man in a white robe with a gold crown of entwined snakes sits on the balcony of his palace. In the distance thousands of slaves build a pyramid. The tale is taken up by a low voice. VOICE A winded MESSENGER comes running up to ZOD and bows before him. MESSENGER ZOD MESSENGER ZOD rises to his feet. ZOD
ZOD along with hundreds of spectators stand at the flooded banks of the river. ZOD raises his arms. ZOD Nothing happens. Everyone expectantly looks to ZOD who coughs and goes on. ZOD ZOD is getting very flustered. ZOD Still nothing. Now he gets mad. ZOD The mountains on both sides of the river crumble forming a dam which stops the flooding. The people cheer. ZOD points his finger to heaven. ZOD
VOICE As ZOD writes with an evil sneer, the obelisk before him begins to grow red. VOICE
The stairway leading to the top of the tower is miles and miles long. The path to the top is lined with ZOD's followers. ZOD reaches the top carrying a bow and arrow. ZOD He fires the arrow into the clouds. There is the sound of it striking something, then the boom of a tremendously low voice which becomes the rumble of thunder. Everyone on the stairs and tower cowers in fear - all except ZOD who stands in defiance of everything. A bolt of lightning bursts from the sky, beelines a path directly to ZOD and blows him to smithereens. One of his followers on the towers watch shreds of ZOD fly past. ZODOMITE
#1 VOICE
ALASKA lays dying in CLEVELAND's arms. ALASKA CLEVELAND unfolds the map and sees that it is covered with strange diagrams and hieroglyphics. CLEVELAND ALASKA CLEVELAND ALASKA CLEVELAND Alaska dies. CLEVELAND ALASKA comes back to life. ALASKA CLEVELAND ALASKA ALASKA dies again and CLEVELAND shakes his head sadly. ALASKA's eyes flutter open and he comes back to life. ALASKA CLEVELAND ALASKA CLEVELAND nods and ALASKA dies again. Just then a spear goes through CLEVELAND's hat sticking on a tree. He yanks the hat off the spear and runs. An angry tribe of head-hunters comes after him. SEIGFRIED arrives at ALASKA's inert body and he checks inside his coat for the map, but comes up empty-handed. SEIGFRIED He kicks ALASKA's body, then notices a tuft of hair caught on the tip of the spear in the tree. He yanks it out and places it on the head of the voodoo doll. While CLEVELAND is running from the head-hunters his hair suddenly grows out from under his hat and covers his eyes and he runs smack into a tree. SEIGFRIED laughs. SEIGFRIED ALASKA comes back to life one more time.
ALASKA SEIGFRIED ALASKA dies again and SEIGFREID exits. CLEVELAND gets to a river and finds a canoe with many arrows stuck in it. "Alaska Brown" is painted on the front. It immediately sinks. Alligators climb into the water. CLEVELAND flies into the air and lands in the river. He pulls himself up on a rock. The natives holler and jump around on the shore. Suddenly they become very quiet, then turn and run away very fast. CLEVELAND grinds his cigar butt out on the rock. CLEVELAND The rock he's on rises out of the water and CLEVELAND realizes it's the head of a brontosaurus. He jumps off.
SEIGFRIED puts the voodoo doll in his pocket and leaves. CLEVELAND falls fifty feet and lands ready for action, then begins sinking in the quicksand. He looks all around for a way out, then SEIGFRIED appears with a pistol. SEIGFRIED CLEVELAND SEIGFRIED CLEVELAND He snaps his whip straight up and snags the wheel of his own plane with KURT and the PRISONER inside. CLEVELAND flies away with SEIGFRIED left cursing.
We zero in on BRAZIL and a dotted line appears moving north, it goes through---EL SALVADOR---EL PRODUCTO---EL TON JOHN---COSTA LIVING---DELORES DEL RIO, into the UNITED STATES---through MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA where we see a cliff with a sign stating that it's MONTGOMERY CLIFF, then into MICHIGAN and stopping in ROMULUS.
The plane with CLEVELAND, KURT, and the PRISONER comes flying over a barn and on the roof is painted "Green Acres" and on the next building, which is an airplane hanger it says, CLEVELAND SMITH, BOUNTY HUNTER AND CROP DUSTER.
The PRISONER sits all tied up, the airplane is inside. KURT is working on the engine. CLEVELAND is on the telephone. CLEVELAND He hangs up. Gosh,
I wonder why she won't go out with me KURT CLEVELAND PRISONER CLEVELAND He turns and knocks over a pyramid of cans. A car pulls up. A long black limosine drives up. The chauffeur gets out and opens the back door, out of which steps a very well-dressed man with gray around the temples. CLEVELAND greets him. CLEVELAND They shake hands. SENATOR CLEVELAND CLEVELAND steps back into the hanger, grabs the PRISONER by the collar and tosses him toward the SENATOR. PRISONER SENATOR The PRISONER tries to make a break for it, but CLEVELAND and the chauffeur grab him and put him into the back seat of the limo. PRISONER The SENATOR also gets in and the chauffeur slams the door. KURT leans against the back of the limo cleaning a valve with a pipe-cleaner and can hear the PRISONER and the SENATOR talking. SENATOR PRISONER SENATOR CLEVELAND goes back into their hanger, KURT holds the valve he's cleaning up to the light just as a black, unmarked sedan drives up and out steps INSPECTOR HARRISON, a very straight, very severe-looking man. HARRISON turns and watches the limosine drive away, then turns to KURT. HARRISON KURT HARRISON KURT KURT blows on the valve and squirts oil on HARRISON's coat. Harrison gives KURT a dirty look and walks away. KURT shrugs, looks back through the valve to see if it's clean, decides it is and slides the pipe-cleaner into his back pocket next to the golden obelisk. HARRISON enters the hanger to speak to CLEVELAND. HARRISON CLEVELAND They shake hands. HARRISON CLEVELAND HARRISON CLEVELAND HARRISON CLEVELAND HARRISON CLEVELAND HARRISON CLEVELAND HARRISON CLEVELAND nods and HARRISON turns to leave. CLEVELAND turns to KURT. CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND INSPECTOR HARRISON's car drives away just as a giant zepplin comes flying over. It is the HALINDENBERG and contains HAUPTENFUHRER SEIGFRIED VON KOENIGSWALD who wears a parachute and jumps out. SEIGFRIED lands at the door of the hanger with his pistol out. SEIGFRIED At that very moment the parachute comes down over his head. CLEVELAND grabs a crowbar and KURT a hammer and they quickly bludgeon the nazi to unconsciousness. CLEVELAND They pull the plane out of the hanger and take off. When they get about a block away, Kurt looks down and sees many animals strolling out of a barn KURT CLEVELAND sees a farmer going into his house. He calls down to him. CLEVELAND BEN looks up in surprise, then quickly does up his zipper. CLEVELAND turns around and notices a pay telephone mounted in the cockpit in front of him. CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND They fly away.
The dotted line leaves ROMULUS and the U.S.A. and enters CANADA where it goes through---WINNIPEG---WINNICAR---GETACHECK, to---KETCHAKAN---KETCHAFISH, into the YUKON through---RICHARD DAWSON---into ALASKA, NOME The entire university is made up of one old stone building behind which looms giant snow-peaked mountains. He heads into the building.
CLEVELAND enters and looks around impatiently. CLEVELAND CLEVELAND stops a student going past. CLEVELAND STUDENT He points to a classroom with a window in the door. CLEVELAND looks in and sees an incredibly old man wearing a black robe and mortar board begin pulling down a rolled up map. As he gets it halfway down it drops from its brackets and crashes to the floor.
STUDENT CLEVELAND The STUDENT points to an office across the hall. STUDENT The STUDENT leaves and CLEVELAND looks back through the window into the classroom.
PROFESSOR BROWN stands on a slightly raised wooden platform in front of the class. Beside him is an old blackboard on a stand and a globe. In the front row sits a beautiful girl with shockingly large breasts and a low-cut top. The Professor is blatantly staring. PROFESSOR Lurking behind the blackboard is a thin, bespectacled Oriental janitor in cover-alls pushing a broom. PROFESSOR BROWN points at the globe while keeping his eyes firmly glued to the young lady's bosoms. PROFESSOR The professor smiles at the girl and she smiles back. Suddenly, a protrusion appears on the front of the Professor's robe. He looks down find finds that it's growing. The girl slaps her hands over her eyes, then peeks between her fingers. The Professor yanks away his robe and finds the janitor's broom. The JAP bows in apology and points at the floor. JAP Still bowing he backs out the door and passes CLEVELAND, who he looks right in the eye, then passes by.
KURT comes dashing in through the front door, looks all around and shrugs. KURT KURT takes a piece of gum from his pocket, tears off the wrapper, puts the gum in his mouth, reads the comic and chuckles, then tosses the comic and wrapper on the floor. Out of nowhere the PRINCIPAL appears. He is six and a half feet tall, very old and very mean. PRINCIPAL |
