with illustrations by Jeff Ginyard from the original script


photo courtesy Bruce Campbell




March 17, 1984

Registered With The
Writers Guild Of
America, West

Copyright 1984 ©




Title: "1936: South America"

A bamboo raft with three people on it floats down a twisting river.  On board is: CLEVELAND SMITH - a tough square jawed man wearing a worn leather flight jacket and a stetson.  He hasn't shaved in many days and has a cigar butt firmly planted in the corner of his mouth as he paddles the raft.  KURT - a gangly, eighteen year old wearing cover-alls and a Detroit Tiger baseball cap, and THE PRISONER a burly, grizzled man with a long gray beard completely bound in rope.

                                You'll never take me in, SMITH!

CLEVELAND lights a wooden stick off of the PRISONERS face.

                                Aw, dry up, spinach chin!

A wooden sign goes past saying SCHITZ CREEK.

CLEVELAND mistakenly drops his paddle.

                                Great!  Now we're up Schitz Creek without a paddle!

                                Aw, put a stopper in it, will ya.  Kurt, how far
                                is the plane?

                                I don't know, maybe a mile.

CLEVELAND takes a long bamboo pole and begins pushing them up the creek.  Nailed to a tree on shore a yellowed poster reads, "Wanted - Juan Valdez, Dead or Alive, $200.00".  Another says, "Wanted - Caribou Lou, Dead or Alive, $500.00", and another says, "Wanted - 1935 Chevy engine parts, Call Ray".

KURT sees something in the water.

                                Cleveland, look out!  It's a rock!

CLEVELAND slams the bamboo pole against the rock and pushes them away.  KURT sees something else.

                                Look out, it's water moccasins!

CLEVELAND pulls out his pistol and starts shooting at some leather shoes that go floating past.

                                Whoo!  That was close.

                                Look out, it's a whirlpool!

They all turn and see a washing machine go floating by, just as they arrive in some very rough water.

CLEVELAND tries to maneuver them through, jams the pole into the water and the raft shoots out from beneath him leaving him dangling on the pole.  The raft quickly disappears down the rough water.

                                Get the plane and pick me up!

                                Right . . . .

CLEVELAND takes his coiled up whip from his belt and snaps it around an overhanging branch.  He takes the whip in both hands and deftly swings to shore.  As he attempts to pull the whip from the branch, he dumps a bird's nest and gets a face full of eggs.

                                Oh my . . .

He wipes his face, takes a match from his pocket, strikes it on a tree, lights his cigar butt and tosses the match.  It lands, still lit, in a pile of leaves and starts to burn.

A big furry paw comes down on CLEVELAND's shoulder.  It is SMOKEY THE BEAR.

                                Put that out!


A military truck with a swastika on the door pulls up in front of a thatch and bamboo stand with a sign above saying, "Head Shop".  The door of the truck opens and out steps HAUPTENFUEHRER SEIGFRIED VON KOENIGSWALD, a Nazi officer wearing jodhpurs, black knee-high boots, a black shirt with a swastika on his arm and a dueling scar across his forehead, his left eye and cheek.  He is greeted by the WITCH-DOCTOR, a tall native in a grass skirt with a bone necklace with a shrunken head on the end.

                                Yes, May I help you!

                                I've come to purchase a voodoo doll, you were
                                highly recommended.

The WITCH DOCTOR rummages around behind the counter and comes up with a straw and wood voodoo doll.  He hands it to SEIGFRIED.

                                Ah, yes, a voodoo doll.  Very powerful, very
                                dangerous… Just put some portion of the person's
                                hair or clothing on it and you'll bet all set.


CLEVELAND reaches up and picks an apple from the tree beside him.  He is just about to eat it when the tree comes to life and smacks the apple into CLEVELAND's face.

                                                           (Very Mean)
                                Hey, how would you like someone coming up and
                                picking things off of you?

CLEVELAND takes out his pistol and aims it at the tree.

                                Oh, shut up!

He fires, killing the tree.

Just then a tough-looking man dressed in a worn flight jacket and a stetson with sixteen arrows and a spear through him appears.  He drops into CLEVELAND'S arms.

                                Cleveland Smith, you're just the man I wanted to

                                Alaska Brown . . . .

Alaska Brown reaches past several arrows into his jacket and retrieves an old folded piece of thick paper.  He hands it to CLEVELAND.

                                Here, take this.  It's a map to one of the last great
                                Mysteries on Earth.

CLEVELAND takes the map.

                                What is it?


                                No, where does it come from?

                                Papyrus is grown along the banks of the river
                                Nile . . . .

                                No!  The mystery!

                                Oh, the mystery.  That's a little bit hard to say.
                                You see there's a curse and if you say the name
                                of the mystery, you die a horrible death.

CLEVELAND looks down at all of the arrows and the spear stuck in ALASKA.

                                What happened, did you say the name?

                                No, I just thought it.  But it was a set-up!  That
                                Nazi would've gotten me one way or another as
                                soon as he had the map.  Anyway, about this
                                mystery . . .

                                Yeah, what's the story?

                                Well, about three thousand years ago in the land
                                we now call Egypt, lived a king named Zod . . .



A man in a white robe with a gold crown of entwined snakes sits on the balcony of his palace.  In the distance thousands of slaves build a pyramid.

The tale is taken up by a low voice.

                                . . . Zod was the mightiest ruler that the world had
                                ever known.  So great were his powers that he was
                                considered a God in his own lifetime . . .

A winded MESSENGER comes running up to ZOD and bows before him.

                                Oh great and mighty ruler, I beseech thee to listen
                                to my tale?


                                The river Nile has flooded its banks and threatens
                                to destroy the whole year's crops.

ZOD rises to his feet.

                                Be still!  I Zod shall make it flow back on its


ZOD along with hundreds of spectators stand at the flooded banks of the river.  ZOD raises his arms.

                                I Zod command these waters to yield and flow
                                back from whence they have come!

Nothing happens.  Everyone expectantly looks to ZOD who coughs and goes on.

                                I said: Zod commands thee!

ZOD is getting very flustered.

                                Zod commands thee!

Still nothing.  Now he gets mad.

                                God damn it!

The mountains on both sides of the river crumble forming a dam which stops the flooding.  The people cheer.

ZOD points his finger to heaven.

                                You'll pay for that!

ZOD sits at a desk and writes a long scroll by candle-light.  Before him sits a golden obelisk.

                                . . . Zod then decides to prove that he was more
                                powerful than the God in heaven.  He learned the
                                evil ways from the priests of the lower regions,
                                formulated and wrote down his plan . . .

As ZOD writes with an evil sneer, the obelisk before him begins to grow red.

                                . . . Zod had one hundred thousand slaves building
                                his tomb and two hundred thousand more building
                                a tower.  A tower that was to reach to heaven . . .


The stairway leading to the top of the tower is miles and miles long.  The path to the top is lined with ZOD's followers.  ZOD reaches the top carrying a bow and arrow.

                                I, Zod shall now prove who is really the
                                mightiest of them all!

He fires the arrow into the clouds.  There is the sound of it striking something, then the boom of a tremendously low voice which becomes the rumble of thunder.

Everyone on the stairs and tower cowers in fear - all except ZOD who stands in defiance of everything.

A bolt of lightning bursts from the sky, beelines a path directly to ZOD and blows him to smithereens.

One of his followers on the towers watch shreds of ZOD fly past.

                                                                 ZODOMITE #1
                                He blowed up!  He blowed up real good!

                                . . . What could be found of ZOD was buried in the
                                tomb that he had built for himself.  Also buried
                                with him were his scrolls and one hundred of his
                                most loyal followers.  And it became known that
                                there was a curse on Zod's tomb, as well as Zod's
                                scroll . . .


ALASKA lays dying in CLEVELAND's arms.

                                And that's the whole story.

CLEVELAND unfolds the map and sees that it is covered with strange diagrams and hieroglyphics.

                                What language is this map written in?

                                The dead language of Sumarian.  No one has
                                spoken it in over two thousand years.  I'm one
                                of the last people on Earth that can still read it.
                                That's why that stinking nazi hired me to find it.

                                It's all Greek to me.

                                No, it's the dead language of Sumarian.

                                It's sure lucky that you can read it.

Alaska dies.

                                Oh great!  Now what am I going to do?

ALASKA comes back to life.

                                There are a few other people that can still read
                                Sumarian.  One is my uncle, Professor Brown,
                                at The University of Alaska.


                                Of course I know him, he's my uncle.

ALASKA dies again and CLEVELAND shakes his head sadly.  ALASKA's eyes flutter open and he comes back to life.

                                One more thing.


                                Just remember, it's a jungle out there.

CLEVELAND nods and ALASKA dies again.

Just then a spear goes through CLEVELAND's hat sticking on a tree.  He yanks the hat off the spear and runs.  An angry tribe of head-hunters comes after him.

SEIGFRIED arrives at ALASKA's inert body and he checks inside his coat for the map, but comes up empty-handed.

                                Sweinhut!  You gave away ze map!

He kicks ALASKA's body, then notices a tuft of hair caught on the tip of the spear in the tree.  He yanks it out and places it on the head of the voodoo doll.

While CLEVELAND is running from the head-hunters his hair suddenly grows out from under his hat and covers his eyes and he runs smack into a tree.


                                Whoever has za map is in for a lot of pain.

ALASKA comes back to life one more time.

                                You may have been able to kill me but you'll
                                never get Cleveland Smith!  He'll teach you to
                                betray me!

                                He doesn't need to, I've already learned.  I'll not
                                only get zis Clevelund Schmitt, I'll get the map
                                and the sacred scro . . .

                                Go on.

                                I know better zan to say zat, zere's a curse.

ALASKA dies again and SEIGFREID exits.

CLEVELAND gets to a river and finds a canoe with many arrows stuck in it. "Alaska Brown" is painted on the front.  It immediately sinks.  Alligators climb into the water.

CLEVELAND flies into the air and lands in the river.  He pulls himself up on a rock.

The natives holler and jump around on the shore.  Suddenly they become very quiet, then turn and run away very fast.

CLEVELAND grinds his cigar butt out on the rock.

                                Aha suckers!  You can't catch me!  No one catches
                                Cleveland Smith!  That's right, run ya chickens!  I
                                guess they've heard of me in South America.

The rock he's on rises out of the water and CLEVELAND realizes it's the head of a brontosaurus.  He jumps off.

SEIGFRIED puts the voodoo doll in his pocket and leaves.

CLEVELAND falls fifty feet and lands ready for action, then begins sinking in the quicksand.  He looks all around for a way out, then SEIGFRIED appears with a pistol.

                                Zo, in something of und sticky situation, eh Herr
                                Schmitt?  Give me the map and I'll help you out.

                                Never you filthy nazi pig!

                                I'm very dismayed to hear zis information.  You
                                are kaput!

                                Oh yeah?

He snaps his whip straight up and snags the wheel of his own plane with KURT and the PRISONER inside.  CLEVELAND flies away with SEIGFRIED left cursing.


We zero in on BRAZIL and a dotted line appears moving north, it goes through---EL SALVADOR---EL PRODUCTO---EL TON JOHN---COSTA LIVING---DELORES DEL RIO, into the UNITED STATES---through MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA where we see a cliff with a sign stating that it's MONTGOMERY CLIFF, then into MICHIGAN and stopping in ROMULUS.


The plane with CLEVELAND, KURT, and the PRISONER comes flying over a barn and on the roof is painted "Green Acres" and on the next building, which is an airplane hanger it says, CLEVELAND SMITH, BOUNTY HUNTER AND CROP DUSTER.


The PRISONER sits all tied up, the airplane is inside.  KURT is working on the engine.  CLEVELAND is on the telephone.

                                . . . Yeah, hi Barbara, how're you doing?  Great.
                                Say, how would you like to go out Friday night?
                                . . . Oh, you can't, well, how about Saturday?  Oh,
                                you can't, well, okay.  I'll talk to you later.

He hangs up.

                                Gosh, I wonder why she won't go out with me

                                She's going with me Friday.

                                Yeah?  Well why won't she go out with me

                                She's going out with me.  You know what your
                                problem is, Smith?  You're stupid.

                                Hey, that's not true.

He turns and knocks over a pyramid of cans.  A car pulls up.

A long black limosine drives up.  The chauffeur gets out and opens the back door, out of which steps a very well-dressed man with gray around the temples.  CLEVELAND greets him.


They shake hands.

                                Good to see you, Cleveland.  Have you got my

                                Of course.  I always get what I set out for.

CLEVELAND steps back into the hanger, grabs the PRISONER by the collar and tosses him toward the SENATOR.

                                I'll get you Smith!  Mark my words!

                                Mr. Mayor, it's so nice to have you back.  Shall
                                we get back to the city?

The PRISONER tries to make a break for it, but CLEVELAND and the chauffeur grab him and put him into the back seat of the limo.

                                No, not Detroit!  I can't go back to Detroit!

The SENATOR also gets in and the chauffeur slams the door.

KURT leans against the back of the limo cleaning a valve with a pipe-cleaner and can hear the PRISONER and the SENATOR talking.

                                Did you get the obelisk?


                                You fool.

CLEVELAND goes back into their hanger, KURT holds the valve he's cleaning up to the light just as a black, unmarked sedan drives up and out steps INSPECTOR HARRISON, a very straight, very severe-looking man.

HARRISON turns and watches the limosine drive away, then turns to KURT.

                                Did those men say anything about an obelisk?

                                Well, yeah, they did.

                                What did they say?

                                They said they didn't have it.  By the way, what's
                                an obelisk?

KURT blows on the valve and squirts oil on HARRISON's coat.  Harrison gives KURT a dirty look and walks away.

KURT shrugs, looks back through the valve to see if it's clean, decides it is and slides the pipe-cleaner into his back pocket next to the golden obelisk.

HARRISON enters the hanger to speak to CLEVELAND.

                                Cleveland Smith.

                                Inspector Harrison.

They shake hands.

                                The F.B.I. has an important assignment for you,
                                Cleveland, one of national security.

                                I'd be very happy to take it, but I have another
                                job first.

                                That's all right.  You're the man J. Edgar wants,
                                so you've got the job.  The nazis are developing
                                an ultra-top secret, all-terrain war vehicle that's
                                supposed to be years beyond anything we're even
                                close to.  We want you to infiltrate the nazi high
                                command and steal those plans.

                                Okay, as soon as I can get to it, you've got it.
                                Right now though, this plane'll go to Alaska
                                in ten minutes.

                                That's a fast plane.

                                No.  It'll leave for Alaska in ten minutes.

                                Oh.  Well, can you contact me along the way?

                                I'll be ten thousand feet in the air.

                                Well, can you telephone from a plane?

                                Of course I can, one's real big and has wings and
                                a propeller and the other's small and has a

                                Don't worry about it, I'll contact you.

CLEVELAND nods and HARRISON turns to leave.  CLEVELAND turns to KURT.

                                Hey, Kurt, install a phone in the plane, okay?

                                But I was just about to eat lunch.

                                Then do it after lunch.

INSPECTOR HARRISON's car drives away just as a giant zepplin comes flying over.  It is the HALINDENBERG and contains HAUPTENFUHRER SEIGFRIED VON KOENIGSWALD who wears a parachute and jumps out.

SEIGFRIED lands at the door of the hanger with his pistol out.

                                Now I've got you und zere is nothing you can do
                                to stop me!

At that very moment the parachute comes down over his head.  CLEVELAND grabs a crowbar and KURT a hammer and they quickly bludgeon the nazi to unconsciousness.

                                Come on, we've got to get to Alaska and get this
                                map translated.

They pull the plane out of the hanger and take off.  When they get about a block away, Kurt looks down and sees many animals strolling out of a barn

                                Look, Ben Miller's door is open and all of his
                                animals are escaping.

CLEVELAND sees a farmer going into his house.  He calls down to him.

                                Hey, Ben, your barn door's open!

BEN looks up in surprise, then quickly does up his zipper.

CLEVELAND turns around and notices a pay telephone mounted in the cockpit in front of him.

                                Hey, how did this phone get here?

                                You told me to install one.

                                But, when did you . . . Aw, forget it.

They fly away.


The dotted line leaves ROMULUS and the U.S.A. and enters CANADA where it goes through---WINNIPEG---WINNICAR---GETACHECK, to---KETCHAKAN---KETCHAFISH, into the YUKON through---RICHARD DAWSON---into ALASKA, NOME

The entire university is made up of one old stone building behind which looms giant snow-peaked mountains.

He heads into the building.


CLEVELAND enters and looks around impatiently.

                                Dumb kid'll be looking for a new job if he keeps
                                this up.

CLEVELAND stops a student going past.

                                Hey, you know where I can find Professor Brown?

                                Sure, he's right in there.

He points to a classroom with a window in the door.  CLEVELAND looks in and sees an incredibly old man wearing a black robe and mortar board begin pulling down a rolled up map.  As he gets it halfway down it drops from its brackets and crashes to the floor.

                                Isn't he kind of old?

                                Oh yes, but he's a great man.  He's ninety-five
                                years old and walks two hours to work every day.

                                Really, where does he live?

The STUDENT points to an office across the hall.

                                Right there.  You'll pardon me.

The STUDENT leaves and CLEVELAND looks back through the window into the classroom.


PROFESSOR BROWN stands on a slightly raised wooden platform in front of the class.  Beside him is an old blackboard on a stand and a globe.  In the front row sits a beautiful girl with shockingly large breasts and a low-cut top.  The Professor is blatantly staring.

                                The original Sumarians came from a fertile
                                valley beneath two large mountains.

Lurking behind the blackboard is a thin, bespectacled Oriental janitor in cover-alls pushing a broom.  PROFESSOR BROWN points at the globe while keeping his eyes firmly glued to the young lady's bosoms.

                                The Sumarians first travelled to nipple . . .
                                I mean Nepal, where they changed course and
                                headed breast . . . I mean west . . .

The professor smiles at the girl and she smiles back.  Suddenly, a protrusion appears on the front of the Professor's robe.  He looks down find finds that it's growing.  The girl slaps her hands over her eyes, then peeks between her fingers.  The Professor yanks away his robe and finds the janitor's broom.

The JAP bows in apology and points at the floor.

                                So solly.  Velly messy.

Still bowing he backs out the door and passes CLEVELAND, who he looks right in the eye, then passes by.


KURT comes dashing in through the front door, looks all around and shrugs.

                                Oh, great!

KURT takes a piece of gum from his pocket, tears off the wrapper, puts the gum in his mouth, reads the comic and chuckles, then tosses the comic and wrapper on the floor.

Out of nowhere the PRINCIPAL appears.  He is six and a half feet tall, very old and very mean.

                                Pick that up!

KURT does as he's told.

                                Where are you supposed to be?

                                I don't know.

                                What do you mean you don't know?

                                Well, ya see, I'm late.

                                Late, too, huh?  That's a detention!

The PRINCIPAL pulls a pad from his pocket and begins writing.  KURT shrugs helplessly.


The JAP ducks into a small broom closet, pushes some rags and cleaning products to one side on a back shelf and reveals a transmitter and microphone.  He turns it on and it lights up.

                                Come in submarine, this is Agent Apple, come in.


The periscope of a submarine cruises past.


A Japanese Naval CAPTAIN stands at the periscope (his hat turned backward), behind him the RADIO MAN picks up the signal.

                                                                 RADIO MAN
                                Come in Agent Apple, this is Agent Orange.

                                                                 JAP (V.O.)
                                Creveland Smith has arrived.

                                Velly good.  Have the Professor transrate the map
                                and get back to the ship.  Oh, and kill Creverand


The JAP takes a broom from the cart, beside two dustpans, cracks open the handle and loads in a 12-gauge shotgun shell.

                                Yes, Captain.

                                                                 CAPTAIN (V.O.)
                                So good.  Any more information?

                                I only have to clean two more halls and I'll be
                                done for the day.

                                                                 CAPTAIN (V.O.)
                                Get the map!  Submarine signing off.


KURT holds his detention and shrugs.  He casually tosses it on the floor, turns and finds the PRINCIPAL'' face right in front of his.  The PRINCIPAL grabs him by the ear.

                                Down to the office!

KURT is dragged away.


PROFESSOR BROWN spins the globe and turns to the blackboard where a very crude map is drawn.  He begins drawing a line from the top of the map down pressing much too hard and making the chalk squeak.

                                The Sumarians then travelled south to the middle

The pressure from the chalk causes the bottom of the blackboard to swing out and dump the PROFESSOR on the floor.

                                Class dismayed.


The PRINCIPAL, still dragging KURT by the ear, stops before the classroom directly next to his office.  He lets go of KURT's ear and opens the door - the room is a mess.

                                I want to see this room spotless in a half an hour!
                                The broom closet is down there.

He points up the hall, then turns and walks away.  KURT shakes his head and goes to the broom closet.

Next Page >

1   2   3   4


[ Questions or Comments ]


[ Main ]  [ Film & TV Work ]  [ Screenplays [ Old Stuff ]
Reviews ]  [ Articles, Essays & Stories ]  [ Ask the Director
Favorite Films ]  [ Scrapbook ]  [ Links (& Afterword) ]  [ Web Team ]

This site is the property of Josh Becker Copyright © 2003 Panoramic Pictures, All Rights Reserved.
Panoramic Pictures Logo