KURT looks around for a broom, but only comes up with a little whisk broom.  As he turns to leave he spots the radio behind the rags and bottles.  KURT automatically reaches out and turns it on.  It lights up.

                                                                 CAPTAIN (V.O.)
                                I've spotted the wharf, back one third.

KURT turns it off and leaves with the whisk broom.


PROFESSOR BROWN comes out of the classroom holding an armload of books and papers and the wall-map that fell down.  CLEVELAND greets him holding out his hand.

                                Professor Brown, I'm Cleveland Smith.

The Professor proffers his hand and drops everything.  They both go down to pick everything up and hit heads.

                                You'll have to excuse me, my mind hasn't been
                                on my work.

                                Oh, really?  Why is that?

                                I'm in the process of getting a divorce.

                                At your age?

                                The missus and I were waiting for the children
                                to die.

                                Yes, well, while I was in the jungles of Brazil
                                I ran into your nephew, Alaska Brown, and . . .

                                Oh, really, how does he look?

                                Well, not too good . . .

                                Yeah, he always was an ugly kid.  Would you
                                like to see his picture?

CLEVELAND shrugs as the PROFESSOR takes his wallet from his robe pocket.  The top photo is a young ALASKA BROWN with sixteen arrows and a spear through him.

                                He looks about the same.

                                And this is my granddaughter Sally.  She was a
                                model student.

CLEVELAND looks at a picture of a pretty blonde girl posing like a statue.

                                In fact, beside Alaska Brown, she was the only
                                student I ever had who learned the ancient
                                language of Sumarian.

                                That's exactly what I came here to see you about.
                                Alaska Brown gave me this and said you could
                                translate it.

CLEVELAND pulls out the map and the PROFESSOR's eyes light up.

                                The map!


The JAP comes wheeling his cart quickly around the corner and comes upon the PRINCIPAL.

                                Stop lollygagging and get to work!

The PRINCIPAL strides away and the JAP bows and pushes his cart in the other direction.


KURT has swept all of the dirt into one pile with the tiny whisk broom and doesn't know what to do with it.  He looks down and sees the crack underneath the door leading to another room.  He looks around, then sweeps all of the dirt under the door.


The PROFESSOR looks at the map that CLEVELAND is holding as they walk up the hall.

                                I've waited my whole life to see this.

They reach the corner and there waits the JAP, broom in hand.

                                Prease to give me the map.

The PROFESSOR hands him the wall-map, The JAP takes it and checks the ends.

                                Ah, it will need new blackets.

CLEVELAND sighs and whispers to the PROFESSOR.

                                Whoo, for a minute there I thought he wanted
                                this map.

CLEVELAND holds up the ancient map.  The JAP sticks the broom handle in CLEVELAND's face.

                                I do!

The JAP snatches the map.  CLEVELAND instinctively gets ready to fight.

                                What the . . .

                                Don't!  He's got a broom!

                                And now, Creverand Smith, prepare to die!

Just then the PRINCIPAL appears, grabs the broom and yells in the JAP's face.

                                Some idiot made a mess of my office and you're
                                out here gabbing in the hallway!

The PRINCIPAL furiously stomps away with the broom.  They all watch him turn the corner toward his office when KURT comes wandering up.  The sound of a gun going off is heard.  Everyone turns back to the situation at hand.

                                Say, why has he got the map?

KURT indicates the JAP.

                                The brackets are broken and it keeps falling off
                                the wall.


CLEVELAND makes a move toward the JAP who quickly grabs a dustbin from the cart and puts it to the PROFESSOR's head.  He backs toward the door.

                                Don't try and stop me or I'll blow his brains out!

                                He's not kidding, he's got a dustpan.

CLEVELAND snaps his whip and catches a bucket on the cart which flies onto his head.  The JAP takes a shot at CLEVELAND but the bullet misses and hits the wall.

The JAP with the map and the PROFESSOR gets away.

CLEVELAND picks himself up off the floor, goes to the open window, sticks his head out and watches the JAP drag the PROFESSOR across campus and out of sight.  CLEVELAND pounds his fist on the windowsill.


The window closes behind him.  He goes to take another look and puts his head through the glass.

Suddenly there is the PRINCIPAL again.

                                That's school property you just destroyed, you'll
                                pay for that!

CLEVELAND and KURT look at him in amazement.

                                I thought you'd shot yourself.

He holds up a bandaged hand.

                                It was just a flesh wound.  Now, where's a dustpan?

He spots one on the cart, takes it and stomps away talking to himself.

                                If you want something done, you've got to do it

He turns the corner, there is a momentary pause, then a gunshot and the sound of a body hitting the floor.

CLEVELAND shrugs and picks glass shards from his hat.

                                Well, I've lost the Professor and the map and
                                haven't got the slightest idea where they are.

                                He took the Professor down to the wharf where
                                he's meeting a submarine.

                                How do you know?

                                I heard it on the radio in the broom closet.

                                Of all the . . . Get the plane.  I'll get the map and
                                the Professor.


Beside the vacant wharf is a restaurant/bar, THE FISHERMAN'S DWARF.


CLEVELAND enters and is greeted by a midget in a sailor's suit with a very hostile tone.

                                You want a table or what?  Look, would ya
                                hurry it up, bud, I haven't got all day!  Ahhh . . .

The midget stomps away in disgust.

CLEVELAND shakes his head and enters the bar.

                                My God, what a crabby shrimp!

CLEVELAND goes up to the bar and is waited on by an ESKIMO WOMAN in furs.

                                I'll have a vodka and prune juice.

                                                                 ESKIMO WOMAN
                                Oh yeah, what's that?

                                A pile driver.

She nods and turns to make it.  On her back is a fur papoose containing a little kid.  CLEVELAND smiles.  The little kid smiles and pokes him in the eyes.

                                Why you little son of a . . .

The ESKIMO WOMAN turns back with the drink.

                                . . . Thank you.

As she turns the little kid comes around with a right hook and pops CLEVELAND in the nose.  He winds up to deck the brat and the woman turns back.

                                                                 ESKIMO WOMAN
                                That'll be twenty-five cents.

CLEVELAND pulls out a quarter and mistakenly drops it behind the bar.  The woman bends down to pick it up and the baby slides out of the papoose into a beer barrel.


The PROFESSOR sits at a table and the JAP drops a pad of paper and a pencil before him, then hands him the rolled up map.

                                Transrate the map!  Now!

The PROFESSOR begins to protest.

                                It's not quite that easy . . .

The JAP shoves the dustpan into his face.

                                . . . Nor is it quite that hard.

The PROFESSOR starts unrolling the map as the JAP goes to the window and looks out at the water.  He checks his watch and looks angry.

As the PROFESSOR begins reading the map his posture straightens up and his chest begins to swell.


CLEVELAND casually strolls around looking for any sign of the JAP and the PROFESSOR.

CLEVELAND turns and sees a man that is covered with black dirt and wearing a hard-hat with a light on it step up to the bar.

                                                                 DIRTY MAN
                                Gimme a glass of Red Eye!

The ESKIMO WOMAN looks him up and down, then shakes her head.

                                                                 ESKIMO WOMAN
                                Sorry, we don't serve miners.

                                                                 DIRTY MAN
                                Aw, heck.

He leaves disappointed.


The JAP continues to stare out the window impatiently.

The PROFESSOR reads further into the map and his chest swells larger, the buttons beginning to strain on the front of his robe.


CLEVELAND continues his search and passes two very drunk men sitting at a table that is littered with empty beer bottles.  They each have several darts and throw them at a dart board which rests on a mantle against the wall.

CLEVELAND walks behind them and sees a beautiful woman.

                                My goodness, but you are a lovely woman.

                                                           (With a Man's Voice)
                                Gosh fella, tanks a lot.

CLEVELAND recoils, steps back and a dart strikes CLEVELAND directly in the ear.  He hollers in pain.


The JAP hears CLEVELAND and dashes to the door.

                                What was that?

He looks out the window and sees a boat with four Japanese soldiers in it heading for shore.

Meanwhile, the buttons are popping off the PROFESSOR's robe and the sleeves are beginning to tear as his muscles grow.  He looks down at a small pad on the table with the printed title "Things To Do," beneath which is written: "mop floor, clean gymnasium, get map, kill Professor."

The JAP has the door opened a crack and sees CLEVELAND SMITH.


He shuts the door, turns and finds the PROFESSOR standing right in front of him glaring down at him.

                                Kill the Professor, eh?

The PROFESSOR grabs the front of the JAP's cover-alls with one hand, lifts him into the air, swats the dustpan out of his hand, then gives him a mighty punch sending him sailing through the door and out into the bar.


The JAP stumbles across the bar and runs right into CLEVELAND.

                                There you are you little runt!

CLEVELAND hauls off and whallops him sending him stumbling back into the doorway of the back room where the PROFESSOR awaits him with another mighty punch.

                                Professor, grab that Jap.

The PROFESSOR grabs a Jewish American Princess holding an emory board and punches her.

The JAP stumbles over to CLEVELAND dazed and gets a flying roundhouse kick to the side of the head sending him back to the PROFESSOR who makes his hand into a fist, his arm into a club and whacks the JAP on the skull knocking him out.  He crumples into a heap on the floor.

                                Have you got the map?

The PROFESSOR grabs it off the table.


                                Let's get out of this dump!

All of the patrons watch as the two warriors depart.


Once they are outside CLEVELAND takes the map and suddenly all of the PROFESSOR's strength drains away and his chest and muscles deflate.  He begins staggering and sits down on a rock.

                                I don't feel so good.

                                What's wrong?

                                I, I, I think I'm having a stroke.

                                But you were so healthy a second ago, what

                                It's the power of Zod, it was coming to me
                                through the map.  But it's not the real power,
                                that comes from what the map leads to.
                                                           (Grabs his heart)
                                Oh my . . .

                                But Professor, you've got to translate the map.

                                I don't think I could go through that again.
                                You'll have to talk to my granddaughter Sally
                                Brown, she works for the Nome Daily Sun.

                                Hmmm, Brown from the Sun.  Go on.

                                She's in Berlin covering the fencing match at
                                the Olympics.


Four Japanese soldiers with helmets and rifles enter through the back door, spot their fallen comrade and go to him.  He comes back to consciousness for a moment and points toward the front door.

                                They've got the map.  Get them.

He passes back out.  The soldiers double-time it out of the bar.


The PROFESSOR seems to be on the verge of expiring when CLEVELAND sees the soldiers coming after them.

At the same moment KURT in the plane comes flying toward them.

                                Professor, we've got to get out of here.  Come on.

                                No, I can't.  Leave me.

                                You can do it, Professor, just try.

The soldiers are bearing down as KURT brings the plane over a nearby cliff.

CLEVELAND helps the PROFESSOR to his feet and they begin running toward the cliff, the soldiers in close pursuit.

Just as they near the edge of the cliff, which drops off about five hundred feet, KURT brings the plane in close.

                                Come on, we've got to jump for it!

                                I don't think I can make it.

                                Sure you can.

CLEVELAND dives for the plane and snags KURT's scarf.  The PROFESSOR dives, totally misses the plane and falls into the abyss.

CLEVELAND shimmies up the scarf while strangling KURT and gets into the plane.

The soldiers get to the edge of the cliff and fire up at them, but they are long gone.


The dotted line travels east across CANADA, through THE NORTHWEST ORIENT TERRITORIES---BOSA NOVA SCOTIA--- to the ATLANTIC OCEAN---


As they fly over the ocean CLEVELAND picks up the receiver of the pay telephone.  He checks his pocket and comes up with only a dollar and hollers up to KURT.

                                Hey, Kurt, got change for a buck?


KURT reaches back and takes the bill.  On his belt is a money-changer.  He punches out three quarters and four nickles, which he gives to CLEVELAND.

                                Hey!  This is only ninety-five cents.

                                Where else you gonna get change up here?

CLEVELAND puts a nickel in the slot and gets the operator.

                                Yes, I'd like Romulus two-one-one-two . . .
                                Inspector Harrison, I'm on my way to Berlin,
                                I'll check into that matter we discussed
                                . . . right.

He hangs up and the phone immediately rings.  CLEVELAND puts the receiver back to his ear.

                                That will be ninety-five cents, please.

CLEVELAND inserts all of his change.

                                I'm sorry, that's only ninety cents.

CLEVELAND gets mad and yells at KURT.

                                Gimme my nickel!

                                You haven't paid me in three months, ya know.

                                It's the middle of the depression, pal, be
                                thankful you're not starving.

                                That's 'cause I know how to handle my money.

The phone line goes dead.  CLEVELAND hangs up.

                                Now look what you've done!

The phone rings and CLEVELAND answers.  It's INSPECTOR HARRISON.


                                Say, Cleveland, the heat's really coming down
                                from J. Edgar, could you pay that phone bill?

                                Gimme my nickel!




It is a bustling metropolis with thousands of people and automobiles going by.


Surrounding the gym is an eight-foot cyclone fence.  On the fence is a sign that says, "10th SUMMER OLYMPICS, BERLIN" and has the five inter-connecting circles.

CLEVELAND looks all around but sees no way past the fence, so he climbs it.  Just as he reaches the top he pokes his butt on a metal prong.


SEIGFRIED and two nazi thugs walk up the street.  The voodoo doll in SEIGFRIED's pocket jumps.  He removes the doll from his pocket, turns to his men and smiles.

                                Cleveland Smith has arrived.

SEIGFRIED nods to the thugs, they exit.


CLEVELAND enters the gym and sees twenty swordsmen in a line facing him, their swords held at ready in front of their faces.  The fencing coach stands beside with a whistle which he blows.

                                Foils up!

The swordsmen spread into two lines facing each other, their swords held up point to point forming an arch.

Through the arch of twenty swords stands SALLY BROWN, a notepad in her hand.  She looks up and sees CLEVELAND.  She is a beautiful blonde-haired young lady with a phenomenal figure.  CLEVELAND is enraptured.  So is SALLY.

As they move toward each other the fencers move out of the way in two man duels until they are sparring all over the gym and CLEVELAND and SALLY stand face to face.  They are both slightly breathless.  SALLY rolls the paper in her hand into a roll.

                                Sally Brown?


                                I've come all the way from Alaska just to see you.


                                Yes, of course I know.  You see I have a map
                                given to me by your cousin, Alaska Brown, and
                                it's written in Sumarian.

                                What's the map to?

                                I don't know, but Alaska said it was one of the
                                last great mysteries left on Earth.

SALLY's eyes light up.

                                Could we go somewhere and talk?

                                Yes, of course.

                                Good, let's get a good steaming hot cup of

Just the SEIGFRIED bends the head of the voodoo doll up.

CLEVELAND's head moves up and he kisses SALLY.


                                Well, ground today, hopefully.

CLEVELAND realizes what just transpired and gets embarrassed.

                                I have no idea what came over me.

A switch is pulled blacking out half of the gym.  CLEVELAND quickly turns, the door behind them opens, SEIGFRIED abducts SALLY and slams the door.  CLEVELAND tries the door, but it is locked.  CLEVELAND slowly turns back and finds two thugs brandishing swords.

                                                                 THUG #1
                                As for you, Cleveland Schmitt, you will die.

                                Oh yeah, that's the last thing I'll do.

SEIGFRIED and SALLY depart and the two thugs with swords move in on CLEVELAND.  He begins retreating, goes for his gun and finds nothing in his holster.

The thug slashes the sword several times near CLEVELAND's nose and he quickly backs up.  The thug swings the sword around expertly, then laughs and they move up the bleachers.  When they reach the top, CLEVELAND turns, sees ropes hanging down to the floor, jumps, grabs the rope and slides down.  When he reaches the bottom his hands are smoking.  Thug #1 jumps for a rope, it snaps and he falls to the floor with a thump, out of the action.

The second thug moves in on CLEVELAND.

                                                                 THUG #2
                                Prepare to die.  Grab your foil.

CLEVELAND reaches back and comes up with a roll of tin foil.  He throws it and grabs a real sword.

CLEVELAND backs the thug against the wall and pushes his sword against his until the hilts meet and they are face to face.

                                You're pretty good with your mouth, but not
                                much with a sword.

                                                                 THUG #2
                                That's right.

He leans in and bites CLEVELAND's nose.  CLEVELAND backs away, does several deft moves and knocks the sword from the thug's hands.  The thug raises his hands.

                                                                 THUG #2
                                I am at your mercy.

                                Don't worry, I never kill an unarmed man.

He slips the point of his sword through the handle of the other sword and suavely flings it to the thug.  Unfortunately the thug is not quick enough to catch it and it impales him through the chest.

CLEVELAND shrugs, then quickly takes off after SALLY.


CLEVELAND comes running out of the gym, gets to an intersection and just faintly hears SALLY's scream coming from his left. He follows hastily.

SEIGFRIED drags SALLY up the steps of a castle-shaped mansion.  Above the door is a banner reading "NAZI PARTY." As SEIGFRIED and SALLY enter CLEVELAND sees a big crowd inside with party-poppers, horns and bottles of champagne.  The door slams shut.

CLEVELAND turns around and there is AKME GAG UND KOSTUME SHOPPE.


CLEVELAND enters the dark little shop and sees racks of many different costumes and glass cases full of party gags.

A very plump woman, MRS. AKME, stands behind the counter.

                                Excuse me, lady . . .

                                                                 MRS. AKME
                                Call me fat lady.

                                All right, fat lady, I'd like a tuxedo with tails.

She exits into the back room.  Another heavy woman comes out holding a tuxedo, which CLEVELAND takes.

                                Thanks, fat lady.

                                                                 FAT LADY
                                Don't ever call me fat lady!


CLEVELAND flies out the door with the tuxedo, as a long limosine goes past, CLEVELAND changes into the tuxedo.

CLEVELAND leaves the AKME GAG UND KOSTUME SHOPPE wearing an overly large tuxedo and a top hat.

Across the street at the nazi mansion a DOORMAN stands down the street and a BUTLER stands up at the top of the steps at the front door.

A long limosine pulls up in front of the DOORMAN.  He opens the door and announces up to the BUTLER.

                                The Italian Ambassador!

The Italian Ambassador steps out of the limosine onto a manhole cover, then up onto the sidewalk.

Just then the manhole cover under the limo slides over and KURT pops his head out, sees CLEVELAND and waves to him.

                                . . . And his wife!

An incredibly fat woman steps on KURT's head with spiked heels.  She steps off and the limosine drives away, the rear wheel running over KURT's head.

CLEVELAND helps KURT from beneath the car.  He's a bit cross-eyed.

                                Kurt, what's come over you?

                                So far, a car and two busses.

                                                           (He hands KURT his clothes)
                                Here, I've got to get in there and save Sally Brown,
                                so she and I will probably be leaving in something
                                of a hurry.  Make sure we've got a way out of here,


KURT turns to leave just as another limosine pulls up.

                                The Russian Ambassador!

The RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR steps from the limosine into the open manhole and disappears. . . just as CLEVELAND comes walking around from behind the car.  The DOORMAN turns to him.


CLEVELAND points to himself quizzically, then quickly nods.


CLEVELAND goes up the steps to the front door where the BUTLER announces him.

                                The Russian Ambassador!

The HOST, a distinguished, grey-haired gentleman, comes up and takes CLEVELAND's hand.

                                Alexi, how good to see you.  I can hardly
                                recognize you since you shaved.

CLEVELAND shrugs.  A waiter steps up with champagne.  CLEVELAND takes a glass.

                                Well, you know, the mustache began to itch. . .

                                Not the beard?

                                Oh, the beard began to twitch.

                                Yes, I know what you mean.  Come, let me
                                show you around, it's so rare you get to Berlin

CLEVELAND takes a sip of champagne.

                                I'm sure you'll be glad to see your mother.

CLEVELAND spits champagne.

                                And here she is.

Russian Ambassador's mother steps in.  She cannot speak and uses sign language.  Subtitle: "This isn't my son. . ."

                                Mom, it's so good to see you.

He hugs her, she pulls away.  Subtitle: "For God's sake you've got to help me, this man is not my son."

CLEVELAND speaks to nearby soldiers.

                                Would you please take my mother back to the

They escort her away.

                                My mom, some hotshot.


A small man in an overcoat and a very tall man in an overcoat enter.  MRS. AKME recognizes them immediately.

                                Ah, gentlemen, right on time.

She finds only the small tuxedo hanging there.  In a panic she grabs one from the rack.  She hands the two tuxedos to the waiting men.

                                                                 TALL MAN
                                Thank you.

They leave.

Next Page >

1   2   3   4


[ Questions or Comments ]


[ Main ]  [ Film & TV Work ]  [ Screenplays [ Old Stuff ]
Reviews ]  [ Articles, Essays & Stories ]  [ Ask the Director
Favorite Films ]  [ Scrapbook ]  [ Links (& Afterword) ]  [ Web Team ]

This site is the property of Josh Becker Copyright © 2003 Panoramic Pictures, All Rights Reserved.
Panoramic Pictures Logo