The HOST escorts CLEVELAND through the crowd of nazi officers and formally attired ladies and gentlemen.  They stop.

                                Herr Ambassador I would like you to meet
                                Herr Doo.

Herr Doo is a drunk fellow with a bouffant coiffure.

CLEVELAND removes his top hat and a rabbit sits on his head.

                                                                 HERR DOO
                                I love your hare!

CLEVELAND quickly puts his hat back on, waves his hand apologetically and a dove flies from his sleeve.

                                                                 HERR DOO
                                Join me in a glass of shampoo?


On the billboard beside the door is a poster: "MARVELOUS MAGICIANS, HERR ROCKSDORF UND HERR BULVINKLEMOOSE."


On stage are the short and tall man in their tuxedos.  The Tall Man takes off his hat and sets it on a table beside him.

                                Hey, Rocksdorf, watch me pull a rabbit
                                out of my hat.

HERR ROCKSDORF has a very high voice.

                                Not again.

                                Nothin' up my sleeve.

He rips off his sleeve, reaches into the hat and . . . a growling lion's head comes out.  He pushes it back in.

                                Guess I need a new hat.


Next to a long sweet table stands a huge exceptionally mean-looking S.S. OFFICER wearing a black uniform with twin lightning bolts.  He pours himself a cup of coffee just as a young S.S. LIEUTENANT arrives and salutes.

                                Sir, we have the girl upstairs, but she won't

                                                                 S.S. OFFICER
                                I want that information!  Get it out of her!
                                Whip her, beat her, torture her, but remember
                                -- no violence.

At which point the dove from CLEVELAND's sleeve flies past and defecates in the S.S. OFFICER's coffee.

The LIEUTENANT salutes and leaves.  The S.S. OFFICER picks up the cream and is about to pour it in his coffee when he sees that it's already white.

                                                                 S.S. OFFICER
                                I guess I already put cream in.

He takes a big sip, which leaves a white mustache on his lip.

                                                                 S.S. OFFICER
                                This tastes like shit!

The dove makes another pass and a nearby party GUEST begins laughing.

                                                                 S.S. OFFICER
                                What are you laughing at?

                                I think that bird wants to buy your hat.

                                                                 S.S. OFFICER
                                My hat?  Why?

                                Because he just put a deposit on it.

The GUEST continues to laugh as the S.S. OFFICER removes his black hat and finds a white smear.

The S.S. OFFICER begins to laugh and turns to the S.S. SOLDIER beside him.

                                                                 S.S. OFFICER
                                Have him shot!  And whose bird is that?

The S.S. SOLDIER points through the crowd to CLEVELAND.

                                                                 S.S. SOLDIER
                                Why, I believe it's the Russian Ambassador's.

CLEVELAND looks up the long winding stairs to the rooms above.  Very distant but piercing is a woman's scream - SALLY.

CLEVELAND turns and finds the S.S. OFFICER glaring at him as he wipes the shit stain from his hat.


                                Why don't you get something to eat.

CLEVELAND looks around.


                                At the sweet table, over there past the lazy susan
                                and the dumb waiter.

Next to the table is a stupid-looking waiter and a waitress asleep in a chair holding a broom.

CLEVELAND steps up to the sweet table shooting an occasional glance upward as the S.S. OFFICER continues to glare at him.


SEIGFRIED and two nazi soldiers stand over SALLY who is shackled to the ceiling.  There are whips, chains, thumbscrews and other implements of torture on the walls.

SEIGFRIED has SALLY in a full nelson with his knee in her back.  She moans and something cracks.

                                Oooh!  That's much better.

                                Now, give us the information.

                                You'll never get away with this!
                                I'm a member of the press.


S.S. OFFICER speaks with DOORMAN and the disheveled Russian Ambassador.  The DOORMAN looks around, sees CLEVELAND and points to him.  The S.S. OFFICER takes out a knife and moves across the room toward CLEVELAND.


                                Cleveland Smith will save me and then he'll
                                show you what's what!

                                Ah, so you think Cleveland Smith will save
                                you, eh?

SEIGFRIED takes the voodoo doll from his pocket.

                                Cleveland Smith can do nothing for you, or
                                anyone else, for that matter.

SEIGFRIED grabs the head of the doll and twists it around.


Just as a kitchen worker brings a tray of pies to the sweet table he glances up at CLEVELAND and sees his head turn all the way around.  The kitchen worker screams and throws the tray of pies.  The S.S. OFFICER is startled and throws the knife across the room and it implants in the Russian Ambassador's chest.

Several guests, including the S.S. OFFICER, are hit in the face with flying pies.

A pie hits a party guest who stumbles into the S.S. OFFICER knocking him into the coffee urn.  The nozzle gets hooked on his belt and boiling coffee pours into his pants.  He screams, steps back and pulls the urn off of the table.  The whole table flips up, launching numerous pies and clipping the S.S. OFFICER in the chin.  He stumbles towards the fireplace and another sweet table.

An old man with a long white mustache and a World War One spiked helmet gets a pie in the face knocking his helmet off onto a chair.

Amidst the ensuing confusion, CLEVELAND slips through the crowd and heads for the stairs.

The infuriated, pie-covered S.S. OFFICER spots CLEVELAND and picks up a pie.

                                                                 S.S. OFFICER
                                This is your fault!

He is about to let the pie go, realizes it's not nearly lethal enough, goes over to the fireplace and rips a brick from the mantle which he places in the pie.

CLEVELAND has reached the steps and is just about to go up when the front door opens and in steps ADOLF HITLER.

The crowd parts giving the S.S. OFFICER an unobstructed view of CLEVELAND.  He pulls the brick pie back and lets it fly just as HITLER steps into hi view.

HITLER gets the brick pie right in the mush and is knocked over backward.

The S.S. OFFICER cannot believe what he's just done.  He grows totally red in the face, grabs his heart, falls over backward dead.


CLEVELAND reaches the top of the stairs, looks down at the pandemonium, smiles, gets a pie in the face, then heads into the first bedroom.


The room is totally dark except for the moonlight streaming in through the double-doors leading to the balcony and a little beam of light coming from the mostly-closed bathroom door.

CLEVELAND enters, looks around and spots a file cabinet.  He puts his face right up to the upper drawer and reads "TOP SECRET."  He looks at the lower drawer and it reads "BOTTOM SECRET."

CLEVELAND opens the bottom drawer, reaches in and a mouse-trap snaps on his finger.  He withholds a scream and goes back to the top drawer.  Inside it is filled with files, the first one being "All-Terrain War Vehicle."  He takes the blueprint out and it is a Volkswagon Beetle.  Just as he's folding up the blueprint and turning to go . . .

The bathroom door opens a bit more and a female German voice comes out.

                                Is that you darling?

CLEVELAND freezes.

                                                           (W/German accent)

                                Hand me zat towel, would you dear?

CLEVELAND looks around and sees the towel on the bed.


He gets the towel and slowly hands it in to the bathroom, cautiously staying behind the wall.

The woman takes the towel and CLEVELAND's hand.

                                Darling . . .

She presses CLEVELAND's hand to her breast.

                                . . . We will make passionate love in just one
                                second.  Get the whips and chains.

CLEVELAND begins to sweat.


                                Get into bed, I'll be right there.

She lets go of his hand.

Just then a shadow appears in the hallway coming toward the bedroom.

A nazi GENERAL enters and turns on the light.

                                                           (Wiping off his face)
                                Madness, madness!

                                Why are you turning on the light?

                                It's dark.

                                Are you in bed?

                                Of course not, are you insane?

                                But you said . . .

                                Why is it so hot in here?

The GENERAL approaches the double-doors leading to the balcony, which CLEVELAND happens to be hiding behind.  The GENERAL swings open the doors and knocks CLEVELAND backward off the balcony, but is looking back over his shoulder and fails to notice.

Miraculously CLEVELAND somehow grabs hold of the rails and dangles from the bottom of the balcony.


Meanwhile, at the party. . .

HITLER has been revived and two aides hold his arms and lead him to a chair - the one with the World War One spiked helmet on it.  HITLER drops into the chair and the spike embeds in his ass.

                                Gott In himmel!


SEIGFRIED waves his finger in SALLY's face.

                                I ask you one more time, what is this great

                                I can't tell you, it's a mystery.  Besides, there's
                                a curse.

                                I've heard enough of this curse nonsense.

He turns to the nazi beside him.

                                Corporal, beat her with the hose.

The CORPORAL pulls out a pair of panty-hose and starts whipping her.


The GENERAL steps out on the balcony.

                                I'm going to get a breath of air.

He steps out to the edge of the balcony, directly on CLEVELAND's hands, rests his elbows on the rails and lights a cigarette.  He drops the match and it lands in CLEVELAND's hair.

The GENERAL picks up a lantern that sits on the railing.

                                Did you get this lantern fixed like I asked?

                                Sorry, dear, I forgot.

                                Well, do it tomorrow.  Here, let me pour out
                                the kerosene.

CLEVELAND mouths the word "kerosene," then blows up and lands on the next balcony smouldering.

CLEVELAND looks through the doors and sees SALLY tied to the wall with SEIGFRIED and the two other nazis standing next to her.


                                Stop it!  I can't take anymore!  I'll tell you
                                anything you want to know!

CLEVELAND kicks in the door, snaps his whip around SEIGFRIED's neck, then pulls the whip spinning him around like a high-speed top.  SEIGFRIED's arms fly up and begin rapidly punching the other nazis in the face.  They all fall unconscious.


At that very moment KURT and INSPECTOR HARRISON come pulling up in a convertible with the top down.  They park beside a wrought iron fence.


CLEVELAND cuts the ropes binding SALLY to the wall.  She gratefully throws her arms around him.

Suddenly there is a pounding on the door by many nazi soldiers.

CLEVELAND and SALLY are just about to kiss when the door begins to splinter.  CLEVELAND picks SALLY up and takes her out onto the balcony, sees KURT and INSPECTOR HARRISON in the car below and tosses SALLY to them.

She lands in the backseat with a thump.

The door bursts in and CLEVELAND climbs up on the rail.

                                See ya later, suckers!

He jumps off the balcony, misses the car and lands on the spiked fence beside it.

KURT slams it in gear and drives away.  CLEVELAND just catches hold of the folded-down top and gets dragged along the spikes until KURT finally stops and pulls him in.


HITLER, with his two aides, descends the steps.  He jerks free from their grasps.


He steps forward and falls down the open manhole.


The automobile containing KURT, SALLY, INSPECTOR HARRISON and CLEVELAND speeds along through the night.  CLEVELAND changes into his own clothes.

                                Hey, Kurt, where'd you get the car?


                                It's Harrison's Ford.

                                Cleveland, did you have a chance to look for
                                what we discussed?

CLEVELAND hands him the blueprints.

                                Is this what you wanted?

HARRISON goes through the blueprints in amazement.

                                My God, this is exactly what we wanted.
                                Good work, Smith.  Now, what's this I
                                hear about you having some ancient map?

CLEVELAND takes out the map and hands it to SALLY.

                                It's supposedly to one of the last great mysteries
                                in existence and she is the last person on Earth
                                that can translate it.

In a state of awe SALLY begins unrolling the map.  CLEVELAND and HARRISON watch closely as KURT glances in the rear-view mirror.

                                I've heard stories about this map since I was
                                a child.

Things grow ominously quiet.

                                . . . Nishglit rignod nisfonia. . .

                                Wait a minute.  What's that?

                                Sumarian.  It's written in Sumarian.  It's strange,
                                but suddenly I feel very good.

She cuddles closer to CLEVELAND.

                                Well, that's nice.  Could you translate it for us?

                                Oh sure.  "With map and sacred obelisk in hand,
                                step forth to reveal the age-old mystery. . ."

                                What sacred obelisk?

                                You've never seen the sacred obelisk?

                                You have?

                                Well, pictures.  It's beautiful.

                                Oh really, what does it look like?

Suddenly INSPECTOR HARRISON pulls out a pistol and aims it at SALLY.

                                                           (Seeing pistol)
                                A gun!

                                The sacred obelisk looks like a gun?

                                No, this does!

He shoves the barrel between CLEVELAND's eyes.

                                Now, what's the mystery?  Which one is it?

                                Well . . .

                                That's a good question.

                                Is it the Secret Sword of Tartu?

CLEVELAND and SALLY look at each other.

                                No, that's not it.

KURT takes a piece of paper from his pocket, sets it on his leg and starts writing something.

                                Is it The Lost City of the Jungle?

CLEVELAND and SALLY think it over.

                                No, that's not it either.

KURT hands INSPECTOR HARRISON the piece of paper.

                                                           (Lighting up)
                                How about The Sacred Scrolls of Zod?

A bolt of lightning bursts from the sky hitting HARRISON and incinerating him to a human-shaped pile of white ash.

                                That's it!

HARRISON's gun drops into CLEVELAND's lap and he puts it in his holster.

                                Now, what does this obelisk look like?

                                It's gold, about a foot tall and has four sides that
                                come to a pyramid at the top.

A strange expression crosses KURT's face.

                                When was the last time it was seen?

                                Supposedly, Cortez found the obelisk in
                                Northern Africa in 1515, then lost it
                                somewhere in South America in 1519 and
                                it hasn't been seen since.

                                Great!  The last it was seen was over four
                                hundred years ago, what chance have we got
                                of ever finding it?

KURT reaches over the seat and hands CLEVELAND the obelisk.

                                Is this it?

SALLY can't believe her eyes.

                                That's it!  That's the sacred obelisk!

CLEVELAND is dumbfounded.

                                Where did you get it?

                                I won it playing cards with the Zuops.

                                                           (Shaking his head)

                                No, I won.


KURT flies the plane and CLEVELAND and SALLY sit together while she translates the map and writes it down.  Her writing gets faster and her breathing deeper.

                                It's happening again, I feel so good, so alive,
                                so . . .

Her chest swells and the buttons on her dress pop off and hit CLEVELAND in the face.  CLEVELAND is overwhelmed as SALLY grabs him and they kiss passionately.

KURT glances over his shoulder, then does a double-take as he watches them madly kiss and SALLY begin pulling CLEVELAND's coat off.

Suddenly, there is the nazi zepplin bearing down on them.  CLEVELAND and SALLY take no note of it.


SEIGFRIED stands on the observation deck, machine-gunners on either side of him.


The machine-guns open up.


Bullets tear the plane to shreds, but still CLEVELAND and SALLY do not notice.  She has his coat off and is on top of him.

KURT meanwhile is in a major panic.


SEGFRIED watches through binoculars.

                                They're not going down.  Use the cannon!

A soldier steps up with a camera and snaps a picture.

                                No, the other one!

Another soldier fires the cannon.


The rudder of the plane gets blown off and still SALLY and CLEVELAND don't notice.

KURT pulls out the worthless steering lever and tosses it overboard. He straps on his parachute.


SEGFRIED stomps his foot.

                                They still won't go down!  Now I must take
                                drastic measures!

He takes a dagger from his belt and throws it at them.


SALLY screams and CLEVELAND covers his head.

                                Look out, it's a dagger!

The dagger hits the side of the plane and sticks with a twang.

CLEVELAND takes out a flare-gun, loads it, snaps it shut and fires.  The ball of flame heads right at the zepplin, gets caught in the wind, swings back around and hits the tail of the plane setting it on fire.

                                Good work.

Now CLEVELAND's really mad.  He yanks the dagger from the side of the plane and throws it at the zepplin.  The dagger tears right through the thin skin of the zepplin and it commences to deflating like a punctured toy balloon.


Soldiers quickly break the cases marked "EMERGENCY" and remove bicycle pumps and tire patch kits.

SEGFRIED straps on a parachute and steps up to the edge of a platform.


He jumps off.


CLEVELAND finishes strapping on SALLY's parachute, begins putting on his own and KURT and SALLY jump off.  CLEVELAND yells to them.

                                Hey, when did we get a third parachute?

                                'spect me to remember?

CLEVELAND jumps off, pulls the rip-cord and an inflatable raft flies out of the pack on his back.

                                Oh my . . .


It is a beautiful old Yugoslavian hotel that's been there for one hundred and seventy-five years.  CLEVELAND takes absolutely no notice of this as he crashes through the roof.


The doors of the elevator open and standing within is a very old man in a Phillip Morris outfit.

                                                                 ELEVATOR BOY
                                Going down.

CLEVELAND smashes through the top of the elevator, the door slams shut and the arrow indicating the floors swings to one, accompanied by the sound of a crash.


The elevator doors open and reveal both occupants knocked silly and CLEVELAND wearing the Phillip Morris outfit and the ELEVATOR BOY in a leather flight jacket and stetson and CLEVELAND's stinky cigar-butt in his mouth.


SALLY and KURT float through the air in their parachutes, turn and see the burning plane coming right for them, but luckily it just misses.

SEIGFRIED never sees it coming.  The plane's wing shears his parachute lines and he goes plummeting into the city of ZAGREB.


In a truly spectacular move SEIGFRIED grabs a hold of the minute hand of the clock and saves himself.


KURT and SALLY watch the plane fly out of control, the smoke from the tail forming letters: S . . . U . . . R . . .

KURT and SALLY try to figure it out.



The smoke continues forming letters: . . . R . . . E . . . N . . . D . . . E . . . R        D . . . O . . . R . . . O . . . T . . . H . . . Y

                                Who's Dorothy?

KURT shrugs.


An old man with long white hair and a big white beard steps up to a giant crank and consults his pocket watch.

                                                                 OLD MAN TIME
                                Back an hour.

He turns the crank.


The minute hand drops out from beneath SEIGFRIED's feet and he goes careening down to the pavement below.


This is a truly gorgeous old building housing some of the world's finest specimens of ancient history.

The airplane crashes directly into the museum and it is completely destroyed - all except the bones of a dinosaur with a sign before it that says "FRAGILE." The sign falls over.


KURT and SALLY both land smoothly in a chimney and get stuck.  They try and wrench themselves free, but can not.  Several chimneys down they see another fellow in the same situation as them, only it's SANTA CLAUS and he is dead.


CLEVELAND dressed as the ELEVATOR BOY and the ELEVATOR BOY dressed as CLEVELAND step from the demolished elevator in something of a daze.

Just then a very hostile man in a black suit comes around the corner with a .45 pistol in his hand.

                                Where's that elevator boy?  I'll teach him
                                not to pay his debts!

CLEVELAND looks down at himself dressed as the ELEVATOR BOY, panics, sees that the ELEVATOR BOY is already panicking and they both race for the revolving door.


CLEVELAND and the ELEVATOR BOY come flying out the revolving door.

Across the town square site SEIGFRIED rubbing his head.  He sees CLEVELAND SMITH and pulls out his Luger.

                                And now you die, Cleveland Schmitt!

He fires three times hitting the ELEVATOR BOY dressed as CLEVELAND squarely in the chest all three times.

The ELEVATOR BOY flies back into CLEVELAND's arms and they both stumble backward into the revolving door.


The BOOKIE sees them in the revolving door and pushes his way in.

                                Now I've got you!

The door spins around wildly and finally CLEVELAND, still dressed in the Phillip Morris outfit, and the BOOKIE, now dressed as CLEVELAND, both come stumbling outside, while the mortally wounded ELEVATOR BOY staggers into the lobby.


SEIGFRIED sees that CLEVELAND is still alive (although it is really the BOOKIE) and becomes enraged.

                                Can't you die?!

He fires three more times, now into the chest of the BOOKIE who flies backward into CLEVELAND's arms and they both stumble back into the revolving door.


A very angry woman in a low-cut dress comes around the corner with a hatchet in her hand.

                                Where is that awful gambler that tried to
                                molest me?  I'll kill him!

She sees the ELEVATOR BOY still dressed as the BOOKIE and implants the hatchet in his back.

                                That'll show you you swine!

The ELEVATOR BOY drops dead.

CLEVELAND and the BOOKIE come out of the revolving door into the lobby, only now CLEVELAND is dressed in his own clothes (with six bullet holes in the shirt) and the BOOKIE is dressed like the ELEVATOR BOY.

Just then an old woman comes around the corner waving an umbrella.

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