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INTERIOR - NAZI MANSION The HOST escorts CLEVELAND through the crowd of nazi officers and formally attired ladies and gentlemen. They stop. HOST Herr Doo is a drunk fellow with a bouffant coiffure. CLEVELAND removes his top hat and a rabbit sits on his head. HERR
DOO CLEVELAND quickly puts his hat back on, waves his hand apologetically and a dove flies from his sleeve. HERR
DOO
On the billboard beside the door is a poster: "MARVELOUS MAGICIANS, HERR ROCKSDORF UND HERR BULVINKLEMOOSE."
On stage are the short and tall man in their tuxedos. The Tall Man takes off his hat and sets it on a table beside him. BULVINKLEMOOSE HERR ROCKSDORF has a very high voice. ROCKSDORF BULVINKLEMOOSE He rips off his sleeve, reaches into the hat and . . . a growling lion's head comes out. He pushes it back in. BULVINKLEMOOSE
Next to a long sweet table stands a huge exceptionally mean-looking S.S. OFFICER wearing a black uniform with twin lightning bolts. He pours himself a cup of coffee just as a young S.S. LIEUTENANT arrives and salutes. LIEUTENANT S.S.
OFFICER At which point the dove from CLEVELAND's sleeve flies past and defecates in the S.S. OFFICER's coffee. The LIEUTENANT salutes and leaves. The S.S. OFFICER picks up the cream and is about to pour it in his coffee when he sees that it's already white. S.S.
OFFICER He takes a big sip, which leaves a white mustache on his lip. S.S.
OFFICER The dove makes another pass and a nearby party GUEST begins laughing. S.S.
OFFICER GUEST S.S.
OFFICER GUEST The GUEST continues to laugh as the S.S. OFFICER removes his black hat and finds a white smear. The S.S. OFFICER begins to laugh and turns to the S.S. SOLDIER beside him. S.S.
OFFICER The S.S. SOLDIER points through the crowd to CLEVELAND. S.S.
SOLDIER CLEVELAND looks up the long winding stairs to the rooms above. Very distant but piercing is a woman's scream - SALLY. CLEVELAND turns and finds the S.S. OFFICER glaring at him as he wipes the shit stain from his hat. The HOST says to CLEVELAND. HOST CLEVELAND looks around. CLEVELAND HOST Next to the table is a stupid-looking waiter and a waitress asleep in a chair holding a broom. CLEVELAND steps up to the sweet table shooting an occasional glance upward as the S.S. OFFICER continues to glare at him.
SEIGFRIED and two nazi soldiers stand over SALLY who is shackled to the ceiling. There are whips, chains, thumbscrews and other implements of torture on the walls. SEIGFRIED has SALLY in a full nelson with his knee in her back. She moans and something cracks. SALLY SEIGFRIED SALLY
S.S. OFFICER speaks with DOORMAN and the disheveled Russian Ambassador. The DOORMAN looks around, sees CLEVELAND and points to him. The S.S. OFFICER takes out a knife and moves across the room toward CLEVELAND.
SALLY SEIGFRIED SEIGFRIED takes the voodoo doll from his pocket. SEIGFRIED SEIGFRIED grabs the head of the doll and twists it around.
Just as a kitchen worker brings a tray of pies to the sweet table he glances up at CLEVELAND and sees his head turn all the way around. The kitchen worker screams and throws the tray of pies. The S.S. OFFICER is startled and throws the knife across the room and it implants in the Russian Ambassador's chest. Several guests, including the S.S. OFFICER, are hit in the face with flying pies. A pie hits a party guest who stumbles into the S.S. OFFICER knocking him into the coffee urn. The nozzle gets hooked on his belt and boiling coffee pours into his pants. He screams, steps back and pulls the urn off of the table. The whole table flips up, launching numerous pies and clipping the S.S. OFFICER in the chin. He stumbles towards the fireplace and another sweet table. An old man with a long white mustache and a World War One spiked helmet gets a pie in the face knocking his helmet off onto a chair. Amidst the ensuing confusion, CLEVELAND slips through the crowd and heads for the stairs. The infuriated, pie-covered S.S. OFFICER spots CLEVELAND and picks up a pie. S.S.
OFFICER He is about to let the pie go, realizes it's not nearly lethal enough, goes over to the fireplace and rips a brick from the mantle which he places in the pie. CLEVELAND has reached the steps and is just about to go up when the front door opens and in steps ADOLF HITLER. The crowd parts giving the S.S. OFFICER an unobstructed view of CLEVELAND. He pulls the brick pie back and lets it fly just as HITLER steps into hi view. HITLER gets the brick pie right in the mush and is knocked over backward. The S.S. OFFICER cannot believe what he's just done. He grows totally red in the face, grabs his heart, falls over backward dead.
CLEVELAND reaches the top of the stairs, looks down at the pandemonium, smiles, gets a pie in the face, then heads into the first bedroom.
The room is totally dark except for the moonlight streaming in through the double-doors leading to the balcony and a little beam of light coming from the mostly-closed bathroom door. CLEVELAND enters, looks around and spots a file cabinet. He puts his face right up to the upper drawer and reads "TOP SECRET." He looks at the lower drawer and it reads "BOTTOM SECRET." CLEVELAND opens the bottom drawer, reaches in and a mouse-trap snaps on his finger. He withholds a scream and goes back to the top drawer. Inside it is filled with files, the first one being "All-Terrain War Vehicle." He takes the blueprint out and it is a Volkswagon Beetle. Just as he's folding up the blueprint and turning to go . . . The bathroom door opens a bit more and a female German voice comes out. FEMALE CLEVELAND freezes. CLEVELAND FEMALE CLEVELAND looks around and sees the towel on the bed. CLEVELAND He gets the towel and slowly hands it in to the bathroom, cautiously staying behind the wall. The woman takes the towel and CLEVELAND's hand. FEMALE She presses CLEVELAND's hand to her breast. FEMALE CLEVELAND begins to sweat. CLEVELAND FEMALE She lets go of his hand. Just then a shadow appears in the hallway coming toward the bedroom. A nazi GENERAL enters and turns on the light. GENERAL FEMALE GENERAL FEMALE GENERAL FEMALE GENERAL The GENERAL approaches the double-doors leading to the balcony, which CLEVELAND happens to be hiding behind. The GENERAL swings open the doors and knocks CLEVELAND backward off the balcony, but is looking back over his shoulder and fails to notice. Miraculously CLEVELAND somehow grabs hold of the rails and dangles from the bottom of the balcony.
Meanwhile, at the party. . . HITLER has been revived and two aides hold his arms and lead him to a chair - the one with the World War One spiked helmet on it. HITLER drops into the chair and the spike embeds in his ass. HITLER
SEIGFRIED waves his finger in SALLY's face. SEIGFRIED SALLY SEIGFRIED He turns to the nazi beside him. SEIGFRIED The CORPORAL pulls out a pair of panty-hose and starts whipping her.
The GENERAL steps out on the balcony. GENERAL He steps out to the edge of the balcony, directly on CLEVELAND's hands, rests his elbows on the rails and lights a cigarette. He drops the match and it lands in CLEVELAND's hair. The GENERAL picks up a lantern that sits on the railing. GENERAL FEMALE GENERAL CLEVELAND mouths the word "kerosene," then blows up and lands on the next balcony smouldering. CLEVELAND looks through the doors and sees SALLY tied to the wall with SEIGFRIED and the two other nazis standing next to her.
SALLY CLEVELAND kicks in the door, snaps his whip around SEIGFRIED's neck, then pulls the whip spinning him around like a high-speed top. SEIGFRIED's arms fly up and begin rapidly punching the other nazis in the face. They all fall unconscious.
At that very moment KURT and INSPECTOR HARRISON come pulling up in a convertible with the top down. They park beside a wrought iron fence.
CLEVELAND cuts the ropes binding SALLY to the wall. She gratefully throws her arms around him. Suddenly there is a pounding on the door by many nazi soldiers. CLEVELAND and SALLY are just about to kiss when the door begins to splinter. CLEVELAND picks SALLY up and takes her out onto the balcony, sees KURT and INSPECTOR HARRISON in the car below and tosses SALLY to them. She lands in the backseat with a thump. The door bursts in and CLEVELAND climbs up on the rail. CLEVELAND He jumps off the balcony, misses the car and lands on the spiked fence beside it. KURT slams it in gear and drives away. CLEVELAND just catches hold of the folded-down top and gets dragged along the spikes until KURT finally stops and pulls him in.
HITLER, with his two aides, descends the steps. He jerks free from their grasps. HITLER He steps forward and falls down the open manhole.
The automobile containing KURT, SALLY, INSPECTOR HARRISON and CLEVELAND speeds along through the night. CLEVELAND changes into his own clothes. CLEVELAND
KURT HARRISON
CLEVELAND
HARRISON CLEVELAND takes out the map and hands it to SALLY. CLEVELAND In a state of awe SALLY begins unrolling the map. CLEVELAND and HARRISON watch closely as KURT glances in the rear-view mirror. SALLY Things grow ominously quiet. SALLY CLEVELAND SALLY She cuddles closer to CLEVELAND. CLEVELAND SALLY CLEVELAND SALLY CLEVELAND SALLY CLEVELAND Suddenly INSPECTOR HARRISON pulls out a pistol and aims it at SALLY. SALLY CLEVELAND HARRISON He shoves the barrel between CLEVELAND's eyes. HARRISON SALLY CLEVELAND HARRISON CLEVELAND and SALLY look at each other. CLEVELAND KURT takes a piece of paper from his pocket, sets it on his leg and starts writing something. HARRISON CLEVELAND and SALLY think it over. CLEVELAND KURT hands INSPECTOR HARRISON the piece of paper. HARRISON A bolt of lightning bursts from the sky hitting HARRISON and incinerating him to a human-shaped pile of white ash. CLEVELAND HARRISON's gun drops into CLEVELAND's lap and he puts it in his holster. CLEVELAND SALLY A strange expression crosses KURT's face. CLEVELAND SALLY CLEVELAND KURT reaches over the seat and hands CLEVELAND the obelisk. KURT SALLY can't believe her eyes. SALLY CLEVELAND is dumbfounded. CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND KURT
KURT flies the plane and CLEVELAND and SALLY sit together while she translates the map and writes it down. Her writing gets faster and her breathing deeper. SALLY Her chest swells and the buttons on her dress pop off and hit CLEVELAND in the face. CLEVELAND is overwhelmed as SALLY grabs him and they kiss passionately. KURT glances over his shoulder, then does a double-take as he watches them madly kiss and SALLY begin pulling CLEVELAND's coat off. Suddenly, there is the nazi zepplin bearing down on them. CLEVELAND and SALLY take no note of it.
SEIGFRIED stands on the observation deck, machine-gunners on either side of him. SEIGFRIED The machine-guns open up.
Bullets tear the plane to shreds, but still CLEVELAND and SALLY do not notice. She has his coat off and is on top of him. KURT meanwhile is in a major panic.
SEGFRIED watches through binoculars. SEIGFRIED A soldier steps up with a camera and snaps a picture. SEIGFRIED Another soldier fires the cannon.
The rudder of the plane gets blown off and still SALLY and CLEVELAND don't notice. KURT pulls out the worthless steering lever and tosses it overboard. He straps on his parachute.
SEGFRIED stomps his foot. SEIGFRIED He takes a dagger from his belt and throws it at them.
SALLY screams and CLEVELAND covers his head. CLEVELAND The dagger hits the side of the plane and sticks with a twang. CLEVELAND takes out a flare-gun, loads it, snaps it shut and fires. The ball of flame heads right at the zepplin, gets caught in the wind, swings back around and hits the tail of the plane setting it on fire. KURT Now CLEVELAND's really mad. He yanks the dagger from the side of the plane and throws it at the zepplin. The dagger tears right through the thin skin of the zepplin and it commences to deflating like a punctured toy balloon.
Soldiers quickly break the cases marked "EMERGENCY" and remove bicycle pumps and tire patch kits. SEGFRIED straps on a parachute and steps up to the edge of a platform. SEIGFRIED He jumps off.
CLEVELAND finishes strapping on SALLY's parachute, begins putting on his own and KURT and SALLY jump off. CLEVELAND yells to them.
KURT CLEVELAND jumps off, pulls the rip-cord and an inflatable raft flies out of the pack on his back.
CLEVELAND
It is a beautiful old Yugoslavian hotel that's been there for one hundred and seventy-five years. CLEVELAND takes absolutely no notice of this as he crashes through the roof.
The doors of the elevator open and standing within is a very old man in a Phillip Morris outfit. ELEVATOR
BOY CLEVELAND smashes through the top of the elevator, the door slams shut and the arrow indicating the floors swings to one, accompanied by the sound of a crash.
The elevator doors open and reveal both occupants knocked silly and CLEVELAND wearing the Phillip Morris outfit and the ELEVATOR BOY in a leather flight jacket and stetson and CLEVELAND's stinky cigar-butt in his mouth.
SEIGFRIED never sees it coming. The plane's wing shears his parachute lines and he goes plummeting into the city of ZAGREB.
In a truly spectacular move SEIGFRIED grabs a hold of the minute hand of the clock and saves himself.
KURT and SALLY watch the plane fly out of control, the smoke from the tail forming letters: S . . . U . . . R . . . KURT and SALLY try to figure it out. SALLY KURT The smoke continues forming letters: . . . R . . . E . . . N . . . D . . . E . . . R D . . . O . . . R . . . O . . . T . . . H . . . Y SALLY KURT shrugs.
An old man with long white hair and a big white beard steps up to a giant crank and consults his pocket watch. OLD
MAN TIME He turns the crank.
The minute hand drops out from beneath SEIGFRIED's feet and he goes careening down to the pavement below.
This is a truly gorgeous old building housing some of the world's finest specimens of ancient history. The airplane crashes directly into the museum and it is completely destroyed - all except the bones of a dinosaur with a sign before it that says "FRAGILE." The sign falls over.
KURT and SALLY both land smoothly in a chimney and get stuck. They try and wrench themselves free, but can not. Several chimneys down they see another fellow in the same situation as them, only it's SANTA CLAUS and he is dead.
CLEVELAND dressed as the ELEVATOR BOY and the ELEVATOR BOY dressed as CLEVELAND step from the demolished elevator in something of a daze. Just then a very hostile man in a black suit comes around the corner with a .45 pistol in his hand. BOOKIE CLEVELAND looks down at himself dressed as the ELEVATOR BOY, panics, sees that the ELEVATOR BOY is already panicking and they both race for the revolving door.
CLEVELAND and the ELEVATOR BOY come flying out the revolving door. Across the town square site SEIGFRIED rubbing his head. He sees CLEVELAND SMITH and pulls out his Luger. SEIGFRIED He fires three times hitting the ELEVATOR BOY dressed as CLEVELAND squarely in the chest all three times. The ELEVATOR BOY flies back into CLEVELAND's arms and they both stumble backward into the revolving door.
The BOOKIE sees them in the revolving door and pushes his way in. BOOKIE The door spins around wildly and finally CLEVELAND, still dressed in the Phillip Morris outfit, and the BOOKIE, now dressed as CLEVELAND, both come stumbling outside, while the mortally wounded ELEVATOR BOY staggers into the lobby.
SEIGFRIED sees that CLEVELAND is still alive (although it is really the BOOKIE) and becomes enraged. SEIGFRIED He fires three more times, now into the chest of the BOOKIE who flies backward into CLEVELAND's arms and they both stumble back into the revolving door.
A very angry woman in a low-cut dress comes around the corner with a hatchet in her hand. WOMAN She sees the ELEVATOR BOY still dressed as the BOOKIE and implants the hatchet in his back. WOMAN The ELEVATOR BOY drops dead. CLEVELAND and the BOOKIE come out of the revolving door into the lobby, only now CLEVELAND is dressed in his own clothes (with six bullet holes in the shirt) and the BOOKIE is dressed like the ELEVATOR BOY. Just then an old woman comes around the corner waving an umbrella. |
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