Where is that elevator boy?  He said he'd have
                                my luggage to my room twenty minutes ago.

She spots the BOOKIE in the ELEVATOR BOY's clothes and begins whacking him on the skull with the umbrella until he falls over dead.


KURT and SALLY are vainly attempting to get out of the chimney and in doing do have loosened the bricks along the edge.


CLEVELAND stumbles out of the revolving door just as a brick drops from the roof hitting him on the head.  He falls over unconscious.

SEIGFRIED runs up, sees the six bullet holes in CLEVELAND's shirt and rejoices.

                                He's dead!  I've finally killed him!

He reaches into CLEVELAND's coat and removes the map and the obelisk.

Right then a German army truck full of nazis pulls up.  SEIGFRIED climbs aboard.

                                Quick, we must get to Cairo!

                                What about Cleveland Schmitt?

                                He is kaput!

CLEVELAND opens his eyes, glances over and sees the SOLDIER getting out of the truck.  The SOLDIER pulls out his pistol and cocks it.

                                Let me just make sure.

CLEVELAND, using ventriloquism, throws his voice.

                                Dumkopf!  Get back here and drive the truck!

The soldier stops, shrugs in disappointment, puts his gun away and goes back to the truck.  They drive away.

CLEVELAND sits up, rubs his head and smiles.

                                It was a good thing I was a ventriloquist before
                                becoming a bounty hunter.


SEIGFRIED takes the voodoo doll from his pocket.  The soldier to his right leans over and whispers in his ear.  SEIGFRIED gets mad and smacks the doll into the palm of his hand.

                                You should have thought of that before we left!


CLEVELAND, still sitting in the street, begins smacking his head against the pavement until he is unconscious.

SALLY and KURT come walking around the corner of the hotel.

They find CLEVELAND knocked-out on the street.  They see the bullet holes in his shirt and SALLY panics.

                                Oh my God, he's dead!

CLEVELAND moans, tries to lift his head, can't and it drops back against the pavement with a thunk.

                                He's not dead.

                                What'll we do?

The voice of a man with a Yugoslavian accent comes from the doorway of a shop behind them.

                                Bring him here, I'll have him fixed up in no time.

SALLY and KURT drag CLEVELAND into the medical office of A.Q. PUNCTURE.


It is a shoddy little office with DaVinci's drawing of the human anatomy on the wall.  An arrow points to the crotch with the slogan "Prick here."

CLEVELAND is put on the examining table and DR. PUNCTURE pulls out a handful of pointed steel spikes.

SALLY notices something behind the doctor's ear.

                                Excuse me, Doctor, but you have a thermometer
                                behind your ear.

DR. PUNCTURE throws up his hands in exasperation.

                                Oh great, some asshole has my pen.


As they drive up the road, SEGFRIED continues looking at the voodoo doll.

                                Schmitt vas a good nemesis, for an American pig.


DR. PUNCTURE smiles at KURT and SALLY while holding two spikes.  They don't smile back.  He jabs both spikes into CLEVELAND's chest.  CLEVELAND hollers loudly.


Suddenly the voodoo doll in SEIGFRIED's hand goes into convulsions and dies.


The doctor removes the spikes and CLEVELAND sits up alive and chipper.

                                Boy oh boy, Doc, whatever you did I sure feel

CLEVELAND jumps off the table, plugs a fresh cigar in his mouth, lights it, puffs and two streams of smoke come out of his chest.


CLEVELAND, KURT and SALLY leave the office.  CLEVELAND suddenly realizes something is missing, pats his coat and can't find the map and obelisk.

                                That rotten stinking nazi's got the map and

CLEVELAND looks around, spots a motorcycle with a sidecar and points at it.

                                Come on!


KURT drives the motorcycle with CLEVELAND and SALLY in the sidecar.  Up ahead is the nazi truck and they are gaining on it.

As they pull up beside the truck CLEVELAND stands up in the sidecar.

In the back of the truck ten German soldiers sway sleepily in time with the bumps, entirely unaware of the motorcycle.

In the cab of the truck the DRIVER sees the motorcycle in the side-view mirror and turns to SEIGFRIED and the SOLDIER.

                                It's Cleveland Schmitt!

                                Pretty peppy for a dead man.  Hit the gas.

CLEVELAND goes to jump on the hood, pounces, the truck speeds up and he slams into the windshield.  The DRIVER switches on the windshield wipers and CLEVELAND is wiped off.

                                Good work.

Little do the nazis know however that CLEVELAND is clinging to the side of the truck.  He makes his way to the driver's door, grabs the roof and swings in through the window kicking the driver in the head, which knocks into SEIGFRIED's head, which knocks into the SOLDIER's head knocking them all out.

CLEVELAND climbs in, tosses the DRIVER out the door, kicks the SOLDIER out the passenger door, then takes over the controls.  With the truck back on track he reaches into SEIGFRIED's pocket and retrieves the map and obelisk.

Suddenly a hand holding a pistol comes in the driver's window aiming right at CLEVELAND's head - it's the DRIVER who also grabbed the side of the truck.  At the same time the SOLDIER reappears at the passenger window.

CLEVELAND quickly rolls up his window forcing the pistol to aim over his head and crushing the DRIVER's arm.  The DRIVER reflexively pulls the trigger and shoots the SOLDIER who falls off the truck.

CLEVELAND cranks down the window, lets go of the steering wheel and punches the DRIVER in the nose.  He falls off the truck.

Up ahead CLEVELAND sees KURT and SALLY cross a very flimsy-looking log and rope bridge on the motorcycle.

CLEVELAND rams the truck into low-gear and goes for it.

The slats of the bridge crumble and drop several hundred feet into the gorge below just after the truck wheels pass over them.  CLEVELAND forges ahead, the bridge falling apart behind.

Just as the two front wheels of the truck reach solid ground the entire bridge gives out and disappears.  The truck's trailer sags backward and the ten sleepy soldiers come sliding out into the gorge.  Finally the metal snaps and the trailer drops off.

CLEVELAND wipes his brow and climbs out of the cab.  He stops for a moment noticing how the cab is very delicately balanced on two wheels.  He shakes his head and runs ahead to the waiting motorcycle.


The motorcycle roars away.

SEIGFRIED sits up groggily in the truck and sees the receding motorcycle.  He quickly slides over into the driver's seat.

                                You cannot escape me!

He slams the truck into gear, hits the gas and the cab tips forward onto the windshield with a crash.


We see the sprawling city on the edge of the desert, the pyramids in the distance.  Our view widens and we see a river flowing to the right of the city.

                                                                 ANNOUNCER (V.O)
                                Cairo.  East of the Sudan . . .

The tail end of a 1936 Buick comes into view.

                                                                 ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                                . . . West of the Sedan.


CLEVELAND, KURT and SALLY walk up the street past a multitude of booths containing Arabs in caftans selling goods.  In the first booth is rugs; the second pottery; the next Elvis paintings on black velvet; Lava Lamps; clothing with a mohair coat, a Larry-hair coat and a Curly-hair coat (which is just skin); black-light posters; veg-a-matics, etc.

Our heros encounter a large group of hooded Arabs heading in the opposite direction.  When they have finally passed SALLY and KURT are gone.

CLEVELAND looks around and sees both of their backs at the edge of a crowd.  Grabbing their shoulders he turns them around and it's just not them.

Suddenly SEIGFRIED and four nazi soldiers come marching up.  CLEVELAND takes off running.

KURT and SALLY have their hands tied with rope and many hooded Arabs begin grabbing at SALLY.

                                Poor girl, she's sure got it rough.

A particularly huge and ugly Arab pushes past the others and points at KURT.

                                                                 UGLY ARAB
                                He's mine!

KURT's hair blows straight up.


CLEVELAND comes tearing around a corner, sees rows and stacks of wicker baskets of varying size, hears the nazis approaching and quickly climbs into a large basket.


CLEVELAND grins as he hears the soldiers pass by.


He turns and inside the basket with him is a King Cobra staring right in his face, its fangs bared.


CLEVELAND comes flying out of the basket and lands ready-for-action.  He takes one step and falls flat on his face - he's up to his knees in another basket.

He looks up and there before him sits a man in a caftan making a basket.

                                Who are you?

                                Why, I am Dennis the weaver.

                                You didn't happen to see two other Americans,
                                did you?

                                Those slimy greasy Arabs took them.

                                Hey, wait a minute.  Aren't you an Arab?

                                No.  But I am slimy and greasy.

He takes his hand from his hair and it's dripping with what looks like motor oil and he offers it to CLEVELAND to shake.  CLEVELAND refrains.

                                That's for sure.  That's for sure.  You don't
                                happen to know where the Tomb of Zod is,
                                do you?

                                I was born there.

                                You were born in the Tomb of Zod?

                                No, I was born there.

He points to the house across the street.

                                Well, could you take me there?

                                Why do you need me to take you, it's right
                                across the street?

                                Not there, the Tomb of Zod.

                                Oh. I could take you there.  For a price.

                                All right, five dollars.


                                Why you . . . All right, ten.

                                And a dollar-fifty for that basket.

He points at the ruined basket beside CLEVELAND's feet.

                                But there was a deadly snake in that basket.

                                In that case it's two-fifty.


CLEVELAND and the WEAVER walk through the desert amongst the huge pyramids.

                                Beware!  The desert is a dangerous place full
                                of fearful things.  One must be very careful of
                                perilous sand traps . . .

A GOLFER walks past holding a sand-wedge.

                                You're telling me.  Where's my caddy?

The GOLFER gets into his Cadillac and drives off.

The WEAVER points to a distant pyramid.

                                There you have the Tomb of King Menenhetet . . .

He points to another pyramid, this one is made up of red, yellow and blue blocks.

                                . . . And there you have the tomb of King Rubik . . .

                                How puzzling.

                                . . . And there is the Tomb of Zod.

They look ahead to a huge pyramid and while they watch boiling clouds roll in over the pyramid and begin flashing with lightning.  The WEAVER is getting very frightened.

                                So that's the Tomb of Zod.  Well, come on, let's
                                see what's going on inside.

                                You can't go in there, you must have the sacred

CLEVELAND reaches into his coat.

                                I've got the obelisk, I've got the map . . .

                                                           (Very scared)
                                I've got to go!  There's a curse!  He who enters
                                the Tomb of Zod will die a thousand terrible
                                deaths!  There is no way I'm going in there!

                                I'll pay you double.

                                                           (Shaking his head)
                                Uh-uh.  You can't make me, you can't make me,
                                you . . .


It's pretty dark just a few feet inside.  The WEAVER is still shaking his head.

                                . . . Can't make me.

CLEVELAND takes a torch from a holder on the wall.  He lights the torch with a wooden match, blows out the match and the torch goes out, but not the match.  He relights the torch and they move on.

The ceiling and walls are coated with cobwebs, as well as hieroglyphics.  Several are unfinished hieroglyphics-by-numbers.

They pass an open mummy-case and inside CLEVELAND sees a stone pay-phone.

                                Ah, a rare ancient Egyptian telephone.

                                But they didn't have telephones in ancient Egypt.

                                That's what makes it so rare.

They keep walking up the long corridor and suddenly, just ahead of them, a wall begins to crumble.  They both drop back against the wall on guard and CLEVELAND pulls out his pistol.

Finally, the wall stops crumbling and a man with a pick in his hands and a hard-hat with a light on in steps out.

                                Is this shaft number twelve?

                                No, this is the Tomb of Zod.

                                Damn!  I knew I made a wrong turn.

From behind the MINER steps a little girl with pigtails and freckles.

                                Who are you?

                                Me?  I'm the coal miner's daughter.

From behind the little GIRL steps a large black man with a heavy-looking canvas sack over his shoulder.

                                And who are you?

                                Why, I'm the coal porter.

They all turn around and go back from whence they came.

CLEVELAND and the WEAVER continue on their way into the tomb.

Unbeknownst to them, from within a deep crevice in the wall, many sets of white eyes watch them go past.

The white eyes retreat into their crevice which leads to a chamber where a religious ritual is taking place.  These are the ZODOMITES and they are on their knees bowing and chanting before a stone idol.

The WEAVER stops abruptly in the corridor and hold up his hand for CLEVELAND to stop.

                                A trap.

He takes a handful of dust from the floor and blows it into a beam of light across the corridor.

CLEVELAND and the WEAVER both nod, then crawl underneath.

The JAP steps out from another corridor behind them pointing a gun.  He walks toward them waving it.

                                Ah, no more fun and games, Creverand Smif!
                                Please to give me the map and obelisk or you
                                will die!

CLEVELAND takes a leather bag from inside his coat and holds it up.

                                Well, I guess the best man won after all.
                                Here they are.

                                Wait a minute.  What kind of idiot do you
                                take me for?

                                W-what do you mean?

                                Take the objects out of the bag.

                                Oh, okay.

He takes the sacred objects out of the bag.  The JAP steps forward through the beam of light and gets cut in half at the waist.  His surprised upper torso drops backward onto the floor and his legs remain standing.  The pistol flies out of his hand and clatters on the floor.  The WEAVER sees it.

                                I'll get it.

CLEVELAND tries to speak, but the WEAVER has already stepped through the light beam and is cut in half.  The WEAVER's upper half lands on the JAP's legs facing the wrong way and they go stumbling up the corridor out of control.

The WEAVER with the backward JAP's legs stumbles through the crevice into the ZODOMITES' religious ritual.  The stone idol they are praying to is an exact duplicate of the WEAVER/JAP.  All the ZODOMITES but the LEADER run away in fear.  The LEADER looks to heaven.

                                Mother of God, it's a sign from Zod!

CLEVELAND shudders and continues on his way, however many angry ZODOMITES step into the corridor blocking his path.

The ZODOMITES part and from between them steps a MUMMY, all covered in gauze, its arms outstretched.

                                                           (In awe)
                                A mummy!

He pulls out his pistol and starts blasting.  All the bullets go right through the MUMMY and kill the ZODOMITES behind.

The MUMMY keeps coming.  CLEVELAND puts up his dukes.  The MUMMY gets close enough and CLEVELAND gives it an uppercut to the belly - his fist goes right through.  He lifts his arm and the MUMMY comes up with it, it weighs about an ounce.  CLEVELAND shakes his arm and the MUMMY falls apart into dust.

CLEVELAND wipes the MUMMY dust off his coat and sees a strange ethereal light emanating from an archway down at the end of the corridor.

He takes one step forward, hears a noise from behind, swings around and finds another MUMMY, only this one is wearing a top hat and tie.

                                                           (In awe)
                                A daddy!

It comes toward him, CLEVELAND swings around with the torch, hits it with the flame and it explodes with a flash and it is gone - except the top hat and tie.

At the end of the corridor he reaches the archway with the strange light, steps between two large posts and hangs up the flaming torch.

Suddenly the posts come to life and a giant hand comes down and smacks the torch off its leg.  CLEVELAND looks up and there before him stands an 18-foot CYCLOPS, with one giant bulging eyeball in its forehead.

                                I am the guardian of the scrolls!  Go no further!

CLEVELAND takes out his whip and snaps the CYCLOPS in the crotch.  It bends over in pain.

                                My ball!

It falls over with a giant crash.

CLEVELAND turns and steps into the tomb's main chamber.


Thousands of stalactites cover the ceiling and an eerie illuminated mist sits on the floor.  At the center of the room is a five-foot stone pyramid with no point at the top.

CLEVELAND steps up to the pointless pyramid and reads from SALLY's translation of the map.  She dots her i's with hearts.  It says "Place the obelisk at the top of the pyramid."  This CLEVELAND does.  "Push the third stone from the bottom at the very center."  CLEVELAND locates the specified stone, pushes it, it slides in, the stone directly above slides out into CLEVELAND's face knocking his cigar butt down his throat.  He gags for a second, then swallows.

The obelisk lowers into the pyramid with a deep low rumble until the pyramid at the top of the obelisk becomes the point of the whole pyramid.

The stone doors swing open directly in front of CLEVELAND's face illuminating him in a throbbing red light.  He squints his eyes and there before him lay the SACRED SCROLLS OF ZOD.

Entranced by the power and beauty he hesitantly reaches forward with his hand into the red glow and his fingers are just about to make contact when . . .

. . . SEIGFRIED appears with a machine-gun.  His voice is shaking with craziness.

                                Herr Schmitt!  Make the slightest move and I
                                will be more than happy to shoot you full of a
                                million holes!

                                Where are my friends?

                                I let the Arabs have them.  The heathens have
                                probably eaten them by now.  Enough!  Hand
                                over the scroll!

                                Uh, which scroll do you mean?

                                I know better than that.
                                That one there.

CLEVELAND throws his voice. SEIGFRIED's lips don't move.

                                The Sacred Scrolls of Zod.

And now his lips move.

                                But I've said nothing!

A bolt of lightning hits him blowing him to Kingdom Come.

CLEVELAND turns back to the throbbing red light, reaches in his hand, takes hold of the scroll and a visible power courses up his arm into his body.

Multitudes of ZODOMITES appear all over the place.

CLEVELAND takes no notice.  He unrolls the scroll and it gives off its own illumination.  ZOD's face appears on the scroll and his voice is heard.

                                I, Zod have plumbed the depths of the underworld
                                to attain ultimate power.  This I have done.  I have
                                seen the future, too.  I know, for instance, that
                                Cleveland Smith is reading this three thousand
                                years in the future.  Smith is tall . . .

CLEVELAND straightens up.

                                . . . Courageous . . .

CLEVELAND sneers and looks tough.

                                . . . Handsome . . .

CLEVELAND smiles modestly.

                                . . . Garrulous . . .

CLEVELAND goes blank.  Zod continues.

                                . . . I am not able to see what you will do with
                                your power, but I intend upon shooting an arrow
                                at God.  I'm sure you will be as constructive as
                                me.  Now, all you have to do is repeat these
                                three simple words: Kanda, kanda, kanda.

                                That's certainly easy enough:
                                Condor, condor, condor!

                                No! Kanda, kanda, kanda!  Say it!

                                Kanda, kanda, kanda.

CLEVELAND bolts upright and the scroll drops from his hand.

The ZODOMITES all watch intently.

CLEVELAND begins shaking and vibrating and suddenly huge muscles come tearing through his shirt and ripping the sleeves of his coat.  His hair turns blond and grows down to his shoulders.  His voice is now a rumbling vibrato.

                                I AM THE ALL-POWERFUL!  BOW
                                BEFORE ME!

Many ZODOMITES instinctively drop onto their faces.  Some however do not.  The ZODOMITE LEADER steps forward.

                                He is a false God!  We Zodomites must bow
                                to no other but Zod!  Get up!


CLEVELAND points at the LEADER and a bolt of lightning blasts out of his fingertip and blows the ZODOMITE LEADER into smithereens.

All of the other ZODOMITES hit the dirt.

A bumblebee swoops down out of nowhere and begins buzzing around CLEVELAND's nose.  He blows at it but it won't go away.  It flies directly up to CLEVELAND's right eye, then his left, then swoops away.

CLEVELAND follows it with his finger and zaps it when it gets near the floor.  The lightning bolt misses the bee and instead hits the SACRED SCROLLS OF ZOD incinerating them into a pile of ash.

CLEVELAND's muscles quickly deflate like popped balloons and his blond hair drops off onto his shoulders.  His ragged clothes hang on him in shreds.

One by one the pissed-off ZODOMITES look up at CLEVELAND.  They start moving in on him.

CLEVELAND grabs his whip, snaps it straight up in the air around a stalactite, goes to lift himself up and the stalactite breaks off and sticks in the ground between his legs.

There is a tremendous cracking sound, then all of the stalactites break off and impale all of the menacing ZODOMITES.

CLEVELAND hastily exits.


CLEVELAND comes stumbling out of the tomb, KURT runs up out of breath, filthy dirty and his coveralls are torn.  They walk through the desert.

                                Kurt, you look terrible.

                                You should talk.  So did you find out what the
                                big mystery was?

                                Yes, as a matter of fact I did.  For a brief moment
                                I held the ultimate power of the universe in my
                                hand.  I saw all things in heaven and in Earth.  I
                                saw the horror of Hell.  I even glimpsed the

                                Oh, really, you didn't happen to see me getting
                                paid, did you?

                                No, but I saw another World War approaching
                                and the forces of good will triumph, prosperity
                                will come to the world and a man named Efram
                                Zimbalist, Jr. will become famous.  By the way,
                                whatever became of Sally?

                                You're the one that saw the future, you tell me.

                                Knock it off!  What happened?

                                Me and her were abducted by Arabs but luckily
                                I escaped.

KURT takes a jeweled key from his pocket.

                                As I was leaving I ducked into the sultan's tent
                                and took this.

                                What is it?

                                They said it was the Key to the Chest of the
                                Lost Gold of the Incas.

They reach the top of a dune where a sign reads "CAMEL LOT, ONE MILE."  Below them is the mammoth stone SPHINX with a little oasis in front of it.

                                Kurt, find a car or a plane or some kind of
                                vehicle so we can get out of here.

                                Oh, all right.

CLEVELAND starts down the dune.  KURT puts the KEY TO THE LOST GOLD OF THE INCAS back in his pocket, turns and sees the sign.  He throws his hands up in exasperation.

                                Great!  Now I've got to walk a mile for a

He exits.


Beside a pool of water surrounded by palms being looked down upon by the great SPHINX is SALLY, her arms and legs staked out on the ground.  Her face is streaked with dirt, her hair is in tangles, her clothes are torn.  She looks very sexy.  CLEVELAND drops onto one knee before her.

                                Oh, Cleveland, I'm so glad you're here.  I've
                                been abducted by Egyptians, pawed by
                                Moroccan slave traders, abused by nomads . . .

Cleveland grins and removes his coat.

                                Baby, this just isn't your day!

He moves down to SALLY and out of view.

The SPHINX looking on slaps its paws over its eyes.


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