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OLD
LADY She spots the BOOKIE in the ELEVATOR BOY's clothes and begins whacking him on the skull with the umbrella until he falls over dead.
KURT and SALLY are vainly attempting to get out of the chimney and in doing do have loosened the bricks along the edge.
CLEVELAND stumbles out of the revolving door just as a brick drops from the roof hitting him on the head. He falls over unconscious. SEIGFRIED runs up, sees the six bullet holes in CLEVELAND's shirt and rejoices. SEIGFRIED He reaches into CLEVELAND's coat and removes the map and the obelisk. Right then a German army truck full of nazis pulls up. SEIGFRIED climbs aboard. SEIGFRIED SOLDIER SEIGFRIED CLEVELAND opens his eyes, glances over and sees the SOLDIER getting out of the truck. The SOLDIER pulls out his pistol and cocks it. SOLDIER
CLEVELAND The soldier stops, shrugs in disappointment, puts his gun away and goes back to the truck. They drive away. CLEVELAND sits up, rubs his head and smiles. CLEVELAND
SEIGFRIED takes the voodoo doll from his pocket. The soldier to his right leans over and whispers in his ear. SEIGFRIED gets mad and smacks the doll into the palm of his hand. SEIGFRIED
CLEVELAND, still sitting in the street, begins smacking his head against the pavement until he is unconscious. SALLY and KURT come walking around the corner of the hotel. They find CLEVELAND knocked-out on the street. They see the bullet holes in his shirt and SALLY panics. SALLY CLEVELAND moans, tries to lift his head, can't and it drops back against the pavement with a thunk. KURT SALLY The voice of a man with a Yugoslavian accent comes from the doorway of a shop behind them. A.Q. SALLY and KURT drag CLEVELAND into the medical office of A.Q. PUNCTURE.
It is a shoddy little office with DaVinci's drawing of the human anatomy on the wall. An arrow points to the crotch with the slogan "Prick here." CLEVELAND is put on the examining table and DR. PUNCTURE pulls out a handful of pointed steel spikes. SALLY notices something behind the doctor's ear. SALLY DR. PUNCTURE throws up his hands in exasperation. A.Q.
As they drive up the road, SEGFRIED continues looking at the voodoo doll. SEIGFRIED
DR. PUNCTURE smiles at KURT and SALLY while holding two spikes. They don't smile back. He jabs both spikes into CLEVELAND's chest. CLEVELAND hollers loudly.
Suddenly the voodoo doll in SEIGFRIED's hand goes into convulsions and dies.
The doctor removes the spikes and CLEVELAND sits up alive and chipper. CLEVELAND CLEVELAND jumps off the table, plugs a fresh cigar in his mouth, lights it, puffs and two streams of smoke come out of his chest.
CLEVELAND, KURT and SALLY leave the office. CLEVELAND suddenly realizes something is missing, pats his coat and can't find the map and obelisk. CLEVELAND CLEVELAND looks around, spots a motorcycle with a sidecar and points at it. CLEVELAND
KURT drives the motorcycle with CLEVELAND and SALLY in the sidecar. Up ahead is the nazi truck and they are gaining on it. As they pull up beside the truck CLEVELAND stands up in the sidecar. In the back of the truck ten German soldiers sway sleepily in time with the bumps, entirely unaware of the motorcycle. In the cab of the truck the DRIVER sees the motorcycle in the side-view mirror and turns to SEIGFRIED and the SOLDIER. DRIVER SEIGFRIED CLEVELAND goes to jump on the hood, pounces, the truck speeds up and he slams into the windshield. The DRIVER switches on the windshield wipers and CLEVELAND is wiped off. SEIGFRIED Little do the nazis know however that CLEVELAND is clinging to the side of the truck. He makes his way to the driver's door, grabs the roof and swings in through the window kicking the driver in the head, which knocks into SEIGFRIED's head, which knocks into the SOLDIER's head knocking them all out. CLEVELAND climbs in, tosses the DRIVER out the door, kicks the SOLDIER out the passenger door, then takes over the controls. With the truck back on track he reaches into SEIGFRIED's pocket and retrieves the map and obelisk. Suddenly a hand holding a pistol comes in the driver's window aiming right at CLEVELAND's head - it's the DRIVER who also grabbed the side of the truck. At the same time the SOLDIER reappears at the passenger window. CLEVELAND quickly rolls up his window forcing the pistol to aim over his head and crushing the DRIVER's arm. The DRIVER reflexively pulls the trigger and shoots the SOLDIER who falls off the truck. CLEVELAND cranks down the window, lets go of the steering wheel and punches the DRIVER in the nose. He falls off the truck. Up ahead CLEVELAND sees KURT and SALLY cross a very flimsy-looking log and rope bridge on the motorcycle. CLEVELAND rams the truck into low-gear and goes for it. The slats of the bridge crumble and drop several hundred feet into the gorge below just after the truck wheels pass over them. CLEVELAND forges ahead, the bridge falling apart behind.
Just as the two front wheels of the truck reach solid ground the entire bridge gives out and disappears. The truck's trailer sags backward and the ten sleepy soldiers come sliding out into the gorge. Finally the metal snaps and the trailer drops off. CLEVELAND wipes his brow and climbs out of the cab. He stops for a moment noticing how the cab is very delicately balanced on two wheels. He shakes his head and runs ahead to the waiting motorcycle. CLEVELAND The motorcycle roars away. SEIGFRIED sits up groggily in the truck and sees the receding motorcycle. He quickly slides over into the driver's seat. SEIGFRIED He slams the truck into gear, hits the gas and the cab tips forward onto the windshield with a crash.
We see the sprawling city on the edge of the desert, the pyramids in the distance. Our view widens and we see a river flowing to the right of the city. ANNOUNCER
(V.O) The tail end of a 1936 Buick comes into view. ANNOUNCER
(V.O.)
CLEVELAND, KURT and SALLY walk up the street past a multitude of booths containing Arabs in caftans selling goods. In the first booth is rugs; the second pottery; the next Elvis paintings on black velvet; Lava Lamps; clothing with a mohair coat, a Larry-hair coat and a Curly-hair coat (which is just skin); black-light posters; veg-a-matics, etc. Our heros encounter a large group of hooded Arabs heading in the opposite direction. When they have finally passed SALLY and KURT are gone. CLEVELAND looks around and sees both of their backs at the edge of a crowd. Grabbing their shoulders he turns them around and it's just not them. Suddenly SEIGFRIED and four nazi soldiers come marching up. CLEVELAND takes off running. KURT and SALLY have their hands tied with rope and many hooded Arabs begin grabbing at SALLY. KURT A particularly huge and ugly Arab pushes past the others and points at KURT. UGLY
ARAB KURT's hair blows straight up.
CLEVELAND comes tearing around a corner, sees rows and stacks of wicker baskets of varying size, hears the nazis approaching and quickly climbs into a large basket.
CLEVELAND grins as he hears the soldiers pass by. CLEVELAND He turns and inside the basket with him is a King Cobra staring right in his face, its fangs bared.
CLEVELAND comes flying out of the basket and lands ready-for-action. He takes one step and falls flat on his face - he's up to his knees in another basket. He looks up and there before him sits a man in a caftan making a basket. CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER He takes his hand from his hair and it's dripping with what looks like motor oil and he offers it to CLEVELAND to shake. CLEVELAND refrains. CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER He points to the house across the street. CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER He points at the ruined basket beside CLEVELAND's feet. CLEVELAND WEAVER
CLEVELAND and the WEAVER walk through the desert amongst the huge pyramids. WEAVER A GOLFER walks past holding a sand-wedge. GOLFER The GOLFER gets into his Cadillac and drives off. The WEAVER points to a distant pyramid. WEAVER He points to another pyramid, this one is made up of red, yellow and blue blocks. WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER They look ahead to a huge pyramid and while they watch boiling clouds roll in over the pyramid and begin flashing with lightning. The WEAVER is getting very frightened. CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND reaches into his coat. CLEVELAND WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER
It's pretty dark just a few feet inside. The WEAVER is still shaking his head. WEAVER CLEVELAND takes a torch from a holder on the wall. He lights the torch with a wooden match, blows out the match and the torch goes out, but not the match. He relights the torch and they move on. The ceiling and walls are coated with cobwebs, as well as hieroglyphics. Several are unfinished hieroglyphics-by-numbers. They pass an open mummy-case and inside CLEVELAND sees a stone pay-phone. WEAVER CLEVELAND WEAVER They keep walking up the long corridor and suddenly, just ahead of them, a wall begins to crumble. They both drop back against the wall on guard and CLEVELAND pulls out his pistol. Finally, the wall stops crumbling and a man with a pick in his hands and a hard-hat with a light on in steps out. MINER CLEVELAND MINER From behind the MINER steps a little girl with pigtails and freckles. CLEVELAND GIRL From behind the little GIRL steps a large black man with a heavy-looking canvas sack over his shoulder. CLEVELAND PORTER They all turn around and go back from whence they came. CLEVELAND and the WEAVER continue on their way into the tomb. Unbeknownst to them, from within a deep crevice in the wall, many sets of white eyes watch them go past. The white eyes retreat into their crevice which leads to a chamber where a religious ritual is taking place. These are the ZODOMITES and they are on their knees bowing and chanting before a stone idol. The WEAVER stops abruptly in the corridor and hold up his hand for CLEVELAND to stop. WEAVER He takes a handful of dust from the floor and blows it into a beam of light across the corridor. CLEVELAND and the WEAVER both nod, then crawl underneath. The JAP steps out from another corridor behind them pointing a gun. He walks toward them waving it. JAP CLEVELAND takes a leather bag from inside his coat and holds it up.
JAP CLEVELAND JAP CLEVELAND He takes the sacred objects out of the bag. The JAP steps forward through the beam of light and gets cut in half at the waist. His surprised upper torso drops backward onto the floor and his legs remain standing. The pistol flies out of his hand and clatters on the floor. The WEAVER sees it. WEAVER CLEVELAND tries to speak, but the WEAVER has already stepped through the light beam and is cut in half. The WEAVER's upper half lands on the JAP's legs facing the wrong way and they go stumbling up the corridor out of control. The WEAVER with the backward JAP's legs stumbles through the crevice into the ZODOMITES' religious ritual. The stone idol they are praying to is an exact duplicate of the WEAVER/JAP. All the ZODOMITES but the LEADER run away in fear. The LEADER looks to heaven. LEADER CLEVELAND shudders and continues on his way, however many angry ZODOMITES step into the corridor blocking his path. The ZODOMITES part and from between them steps a MUMMY, all covered in gauze, its arms outstretched. CLEVELAND He pulls out his pistol and starts blasting. All the bullets go right through the MUMMY and kill the ZODOMITES behind. The MUMMY keeps coming. CLEVELAND puts up his dukes. The MUMMY gets close enough and CLEVELAND gives it an uppercut to the belly - his fist goes right through. He lifts his arm and the MUMMY comes up with it, it weighs about an ounce. CLEVELAND shakes his arm and the MUMMY falls apart into dust. CLEVELAND wipes the MUMMY dust off his coat and sees a strange ethereal light emanating from an archway down at the end of the corridor. He takes one step forward, hears a noise from behind, swings around and finds another MUMMY, only this one is wearing a top hat and tie. CLEVELAND It comes toward him, CLEVELAND swings around with the torch, hits it with the flame and it explodes with a flash and it is gone - except the top hat and tie. At the end of the corridor he reaches the archway with the strange light, steps between two large posts and hangs up the flaming torch. Suddenly the posts come to life and a giant hand comes down and smacks the torch off its leg. CLEVELAND looks up and there before him stands an 18-foot CYCLOPS, with one giant bulging eyeball in its forehead. CYCLOPS CLEVELAND takes out his whip and snaps the CYCLOPS in the crotch. It bends over in pain.
CYCLOPS It falls over with a giant crash. CLEVELAND turns and steps into the tomb's main chamber.
Thousands of stalactites cover the ceiling and an eerie illuminated mist sits on the floor. At the center of the room is a five-foot stone pyramid with no point at the top. CLEVELAND steps up to the pointless pyramid and reads from SALLY's translation of the map. She dots her i's with hearts. It says "Place the obelisk at the top of the pyramid." This CLEVELAND does. "Push the third stone from the bottom at the very center." CLEVELAND locates the specified stone, pushes it, it slides in, the stone directly above slides out into CLEVELAND's face knocking his cigar butt down his throat. He gags for a second, then swallows. The obelisk lowers into the pyramid with a deep low rumble until the pyramid at the top of the obelisk becomes the point of the whole pyramid. The stone doors swing open directly in front of CLEVELAND's face illuminating him in a throbbing red light. He squints his eyes and there before him lay the SACRED SCROLLS OF ZOD. Entranced by the power and beauty he hesitantly reaches forward with his hand into the red glow and his fingers are just about to make contact when . . . . . . SEIGFRIED appears with a machine-gun. His voice is shaking with craziness. SEIGFRIED CLEVELAND SEIGFRIED CLEVELAND SEIGFRIED CLEVELAND throws his voice. SEIGFRIED's lips don't move. SEIGFRIED And now his lips move. SEIGFRIED A bolt of lightning hits him blowing him to Kingdom Come. CLEVELAND turns back to the throbbing red light, reaches in his hand, takes hold of the scroll and a visible power courses up his arm into his body. Multitudes of ZODOMITES appear all over the place. CLEVELAND takes no notice. He unrolls the scroll and it gives off its own illumination. ZOD's face appears on the scroll and his voice is heard. ZOD CLEVELAND straightens up. ZOD CLEVELAND sneers and looks tough. ZOD CLEVELAND smiles modestly. ZOD CLEVELAND goes blank. Zod continues. ZOD CLEVELAND ZOD CLEVELAND CLEVELAND bolts upright and the scroll drops from his hand. The ZODOMITES all watch intently. CLEVELAND begins shaking and vibrating and suddenly huge muscles come tearing through his shirt and ripping the sleeves of his coat. His hair turns blond and grows down to his shoulders. His voice is now a rumbling vibrato. CLEVELAND
LEADER CLEVELAND CLEVELAND points at the LEADER and a bolt of lightning blasts out of his fingertip and blows the ZODOMITE LEADER into smithereens. All of the other ZODOMITES hit the dirt. A bumblebee swoops down out of nowhere and begins buzzing around CLEVELAND's nose. He blows at it but it won't go away. It flies directly up to CLEVELAND's right eye, then his left, then swoops away. CLEVELAND follows it with his finger and zaps it when it gets near the floor. The lightning bolt misses the bee and instead hits the SACRED SCROLLS OF ZOD incinerating them into a pile of ash. CLEVELAND's muscles quickly deflate like popped balloons and his blond hair drops off onto his shoulders. His ragged clothes hang on him in shreds. One by one the pissed-off ZODOMITES look up at CLEVELAND. They start moving in on him. CLEVELAND grabs his whip, snaps it straight up in the air around a stalactite, goes to lift himself up and the stalactite breaks off and sticks in the ground between his legs. There is a tremendous cracking sound, then all of the stalactites break off and impale all of the menacing ZODOMITES. CLEVELAND hastily exits.
CLEVELAND comes stumbling out of the tomb, KURT runs up out of breath, filthy dirty and his coveralls are torn. They walk through the desert. CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND KURT KURT takes a jeweled key from his pocket. KURT CLEVELAND KURT They reach the top of a dune where a sign reads "CAMEL LOT, ONE MILE." Below them is the mammoth stone SPHINX with a little oasis in front of it. CLEVELAND KURT CLEVELAND starts down the dune. KURT puts the KEY TO THE LOST GOLD OF THE INCAS back in his pocket, turns and sees the sign. He throws his hands up in exasperation. KURT He exits.
Beside a pool of water surrounded by palms being looked down upon by the great SPHINX is SALLY, her arms and legs staked out on the ground. Her face is streaked with dirt, her hair is in tangles, her clothes are torn. She looks very sexy. CLEVELAND drops onto one knee before her. SALLY Cleveland grins and removes his coat. CLEVELAND He moves down to SALLY and out of view. The SPHINX looking on slaps its paws over its eyes. FADE OUT |
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