INT. ELEVATOR

Inside the elevator.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                This is nuts, what are we doing?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                I don't know, but I'm havin' a good time.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                We're going to get thrown out of here, I can just
                                feel it.

The elevator stops at the tenth floor and they get out.  They saunter up the hallway and on a tray sitting outside a door is a champagne bottle which Budson snatches.  There's still about a quarter of the bottle left.  He takes a slug and hands it to Gerrit.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                You don't know whose been drinking from this,
                                they could have herpes.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                They were using glasses, dude, for God's sake
                                mellow out.

Behind them the elevator opens and the O'Jays get out.  Gerrit starts to run.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Let's get outta here!

Budson starts after him.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Oh, man...

As they turn the corner they can hear commotion down at the end of the hall.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Sounds like a party.  Let's go check it out.

Budson grabs the champagne back and heads up the hall.  Looking behind himself, Gerrit follows.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What have I gotten myself into?

As they walk up the hall the noise gets louder and louder.  A good looking girl wearing only a bra and panties runs out of the last room down and into the hall.  A big fellow with a completely bald head comes after her, grabs her and carries her back into the room kicking and laughing.

Budson and Gerrit are wide eyed as they approach the last room, which has a sign beside the door reading "Presidential Suite."  Just as Budson is about to knock the door swings open and a new-wave looking fellow with shaggy blond hair and a British accent answers.  The noise level goes up by 300%.

                                                                 SHAGGY
                                Who're you?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Us?  We're with the O'Jays.

                                                                 SHAGGY
                                Oh yeah, the sound and light man, Tony told
                                me you'd be coming by.  Well come on in.

The British guy turns and goes in and Budson and Gerrit exchange a look and follow.

The foyer opens up into the largest hotel room either of them have ever seen with really tacky contemporary furniture with a huge round waterbed covered with people, some dressed, some not.  The ones that are clothed are in black spandex, black leather, studs and chains with wacky weird multi-colored hair and make up.

One guy has a harpoon gun and is firing it at a dartboard.

Another guy gets up and turns around and there is a big white X on his back.

Budson freaks.  He whispers in Gerrit's ear.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                It's X!  It's them!  We're the luckiest motherfuckers
                                that ever lived!

                                                                 TREVOR
                                                           (British)
                                I'm Trevor, X's manager and that...

He points across the room to a thin, tall rocker with black spandex pants, no shirt on his hairy chest and long hair who backs into a vase and knocks it to the floor.

                                                                 TREVOR
                                ... is Ian, our lead singer, he's handsome and
                                careless.  Over there...
                                                           (He points to a bald guy)
                                ... our drummer, Stig, he's gruesome and hairless.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Yeah, but where's Derek Domino?

                                                                 TREVOR
                                                           (Sarcastically)
                                Yes, of course, how could I forget dear, sweet
                                Derek, God's gift to man.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                He's been having some kind of trouble lately,
                                hasn't he?

Trevor lets out a disgusted laugh and points across the room.

                                                                 TREVOR
                                That's putting it rather mildly.  He's over there with
                                a couple of clowns right now.

They look and see Derek in the corner of the room talking to Bozo and Oopsy the Clown, both of whom have cigarettes and drinks.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                                           (Nodding)
                                The guy's definitely having problems.

Trevor walks away.

                                                                 TREVOR
                                Well, make yourselves at home, get a drink,
                                Tony will be here sooner or later.

Budson and Gerrit saunter over to the bar and make themselves a drink.  Budson points at Ian, the guitarist.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Oh man, that's Ian Henderson standing right
                                across the room.  He is like the heaviest rocker
                                in rock and roll.

Budson shuts up as Ian comes walking over and begin sloppily making himself a drink.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                I loved your second album.

Ian smiles at Budson.

                                                                 IAN
                                                           (Very effeminate)
                                Oh, you're adorable.

Budson is shocked as Ian moves closer to him.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Uh... I've got to go to the bathroom.

                                                                 IAN
                                                           (Lighting up)
                                I'll come with you.

Budson grabs Gerrit's arm and they quickly make an exit.

EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

At a small gas station on a dark back road a school bus pulls in with "The Polka Dots" painted on the side.  The driver, who is wearing a black and white polka dot shirt and an untied red bow tie, leans his head out the window to the station attendant.

                                                                 DRIVER
                                'Scuse me, you know where Ann Arbor is?

The driver puts a cigarette in his mouth and attempts to light it, but the lighter, doesn't work.

                                                                 ATTENDANT
                                You must be outta Flint.

                                                                 DRIVER
                                Naw, Saginaw.  So where's Ann Arbor?

                                                                 ATTENDANT
                                Twenty five miles west of here.

                                                                 DRIVER
                                Much obliged.

The Polka Dots drive off into the night.

INT. X'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Meanwhile, back at X's party...

Gerrit is speaking to one of the members of the band, who has a Liverpool accent.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Do you think it's a good idea to let that guy
                                play with a harpoon gun in here?

                                                                 BAND MEMBER
                                It's all right, man, he's only on LSD.

This doesn't make Gerrit feel any better.  Just then the guy fires the harpoon into the side of the waterbed, which begins to leak water out onto the carpet.

Budson is talking to Derek Domino who is plucking at an unamplified electric guitar.  He has a Liverpool accent.

                                                                 DEREK
                                Music is me life, man.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Yeah, I could've taken music or shop, but I
                                took shop.

Derek and Budson look at each other.

The guy with the harpoon gun fires a harpoon through the ceiling.

INT. THE ROOM ABOVE

The point of the harpoon comes up through the carpet of the room above.  Bare feet come walking past and step on the point.

                                                                 FOOT
                                Oh, shit!

INT. X'S PARTY

And the water from the waterbed continues to leak onto the carpet, creating a little pond.

INT. THE ROOM BELOW

In the room below, the water has seeped through the plaster on the ceiling and is dripping on the forehead of the man asleep in the bed below, with his wife asleep beside him.  Drip, drip, right between his eyes, which wince every time a drop hits him.  His eyes snap open and he's in a total panic, sweat breaking out all over him.

                                                                 MAN
                                Serial Number 376-9204!

He is strapped to a bamboo cot and North Vietnamese soldiers stand in front of him brandishing AK-47 machine guns and machetes in his face.

                                                                 MAN
                                I'll never spill a word you slanty eyed bastards!
                                Not a word!

They hold a bayonet to his neck and swear at him in Vietnamese.

INT. X'S PARTY

Budson and Gerrit look at all the pretty girls.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Look at all these gorgeous woman.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Man, my dick's so hard the cat couldn't scratch
                                it

Ian comes walking past and smiles at Budson.

                                                                 IAN
                                Meow.

INT. ROOM BELOW

The P.O.W. below has yet to leak any vital information to the North Vietnamese, when suddenly a hand grabs his shoulder and with a massive shudder he comes awake.  The threatening soldiers are gone.  All that remains is his wife, an oriental woman, in bed beside him.

                                                                 WIFE
                                                           (Soothingly)
                                Wake up, you're having a nightmare.

                                                                 MAN
                                                           (Shaking his head)
                                Oh my God, it was terrible.

                                                                 WIFE
                                Go back to sleep.

He rolls over and so does she and they both fall back asleep.  She rolls a bit closer to her husband and now the water is dripping on her forehead.  Her eyes snap open and she is being held captive by American soldiers with M-16 rifles.

INT. X'S PARTY

A good-looking GROUPIE girl takes hold of Gerrit's hand and leads him into an adjoining room.  She takes off his clothes and tosses them into a large pile of everyone else's clothes.  She begins to slowly and sensuously remove her clothing, rubbing each item all over herself before dropping it at Gerrit's feet.  When she is standing in nothing more than black lace panties, Gerrit reaches out, takes a hold of her waist and pulls her to him.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                                           (Panting)
                                Let's do it right now!

She hauls off and slaps his face.

                                                                 GROUPIE
                                What kind of girl do you take me for?

She leaves in a huff.

Gerrit holds his reddening cheek.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                How could I have misread those signs?

ANOTHER PART OF THE PARTY

Budson is on the waterbed with another groupies girl.  He can see himself in the mirror above on the ceiling.  Written on the mirror is; "Objects may appear larger than they really are."

He and the girl roll over a couple of times and end up with Budson's arm underneath her.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Oh, baby, have you got a firm ass.

She stands up and walks away and Budson finds that his hand is on the bald drummer's head.  He recoils in alarm.  The drummer smiles at him.

EXT. HOTEL - DAWN

The sun begins to rise behind the large hotel.

INT. HOTEL - DAWN

In the hotel lobby the elevator door opens and Budson steps out looking rather bedraggled.  He crosses over to the vending machines against the wall and buys a candy bar and a pack of cigarettes.  Off to Budson's left, two FAT, UGLY horrible groupie girls are talking.

                                                                 FAT & UGLY
                                That goddamn bastard from X wouldn't give an
                                autograph and I waited for hours.

                                                                 JUST UGLY
                                What a prick!

Budson looks to his right and coming through the front door of the hotel are five policemen who are met by the hotel's manager.

                                                                 MANAGER
                                That stinking rock band is destroying the hotel!
                                I want them out of here!

                                                                 COP
                                Are you willing to sign a complaint?

                                                                 MANAGER
                                Absolutely.

                                                                 COP
                                All right, then we'll throw 'em out and charge
                                'em with destruction of property.

Budson quickly dashes into the elevator and heads back up to the tenth floor.

INT. X'S ROOM

He dashes back to the Presidential Suite and finds everybody crashed out all over the place.  He finds Gerrit off by himself, asleep on a couch in his underwear.  Budson shakes him and puts his hand over Gerrit's mouth.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Come on, we've gotta get out of here, the
                                cops are coming!

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Wha... Where are we?

Gerrit starts to look around groggily and Budson grabs him and pulls him to his feet.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                But what about my clothes?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Oh, Jesus.

Budson looks around and on the floor clothes lie everywhere.  He grabs a pile and they skedaddle.

INT. HALL

Just as they get out the door and around the corner, the cops and the manager arrive and begin knocking loudly.  Budson hands the naked Gerrit the clothes that he grabbed.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Put these on and let's scram.

From the Presidential Suite, outraged Liverpudlians can be heard hollering.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

When Budson and Gerrit exit the elevator in the lobby, Gerrit is attired in black spandex pants, a black leather harness with studs and a white rhinestone vest with X on the back.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh man, I feel ridiculous.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                You look good.  It's you.

The two pissed-off fat ugly autograph girls spot Gerrit and approach him.  The one with the autograph book really looks mad.

                                                                 FAT & UGLY
                                You're a prick, you know that!  A real son of
                                a bitch!

Gerrit is taken aback and insulted.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh yeah, up yours.

The fat ugly girl turns into a lunatic monster and attacks Gerrit with her fists.

                                                                 FAT & UGLY
                                You rotten motherfucker, I'll kill you!!!

Budson tries to pull her off and she decks him then slams Gerrit in the gut.  The other girl starts to go for Budson and he and Gerrit run for their lives.

EXT. HOTEL - MORNING

They leave the hotel and dash up the street in the morning sunlight.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY

A moment later in the hotel lobby the elevator opens and the O'Jays step out.  The big drummer and bass player are mad.

                                                                 DRUMMER
                                If I ever get my hands on those little sons of
                                bitches I'll break 'em in two!

As they get to the door the other elevator opens and the members of X escorted by the police come out.  They are all dressed in their usual outfits, all except Derek Domino, that is, who is dressed in Gerrit's clothes.

                                                                 DEREK
                                                           (Muttering)
                                I wish I could find me bloody clothes.

Just then the bass player and drummer from the O'Jays spot Derek dressed as Gerrit.

                                                                 BASSIST
                                There's one of those sons o' bitches now!

They move in on Derek menacingly.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Budson and Gerrit walk up the street, Gerrit having great difficulty balancing in his black leather wing- toed high heel boots.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Girls have got to be crazy to wear high heels,
                                these things kill.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                I'm hungry, you got any money?

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Yeah, I got that hundred bucks I found...

Gerrit pats his pockets and quickly realizes he's in different clothing.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                                           (Bummed)
                                Oh, shit...

He finds, however, in his rhinestone vest pocket a piece of lavender paper, upon which is written …

                                                                 GERRIT
                                                           (Reads aloud)
                                "I love you and would do anything in the whole
                                world for you!  Anything!  I mean it!  Love, Wendy
                                886-1022 -- Call anytime."

They are just passing a phone booth.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Come on, let's call.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Isn't it kind of early for this sort of thing.  You're
                                gonna wake this girl up.

Budson puts the money in and dials. Someone answers.

                                                                 FEMALE VOICE
                                Hello?

Budson assumes a phony Liverpool accent.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Hello, is Wendy there?

                                                                 FEMALE VOICE
                                This is Wendy.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Wendy, this is Derek from X.  How ya doin'?

Wendy is in fact the horrible ugly fat girl from the hotel.

                                                                 FAT & UGLY
                                You motherfucker!  If I ever see you again I'll rip
                                your fucking ball off, you hear me ...?

He slams the phone down.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                My God...

They continue wandering.  They cut through an alley and come out on a street that is lined with people.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What's going on here?

Suddenly a group of ten guys on bicycles with helmets go zooming past, then a group of five more.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Must be a bike race.

They check to see that the way is clear and cross the street.  They cut through another alley and come out on another street that is lined with people.  As they move into the crowd a parade comes past with baton twirlers, a marching band and clowns.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Is it some kind of holiday today?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                I don't think so.  Maybe it's Groundhog's Day.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                No... That's earlier and they don't have parades.

Gerrit's high heel gets caught in a crack in the pavement, he trips, reaches out and grabs a hand painted wooden sign with an arrow pointing to the right.  As he grabs it the sign turns and faces left.

Budson and Gerrit continue wandering and head off away from all the people.  Budson pulls out a Payday candy bar.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Want half?

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Sure.

Meanwhile the bike racers get to the end of the street, see a hand painted wooden sign with an arrow pointing left and turn left.

The parade, however, gets to the end of the street and turns right.

There is a terrible sound of mayhem and destruction.

Gerrit and Budson turn to see bicycles and clowns and members of the marching band go sailing through the air.

EXT. MALL RESIDENCE BACKYARD - DAY

Cynthia Mall is down on her knees in her yard planting flowers when she hears the horrible destruction in the distance.

INT. MALL'S BEDROOM

Mr. Mall is awakened.  He sits up in a daze, then makes a big realization.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                                           (Panic)
                                I've got a hundred finals to grade.

He gets out of bed and walks into his study next door.  There on the desk lie all the tests and his grade book.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                                           (Desperately)
                                Coffee.

He turns and goes downstairs to the kitchen and his wife comes in wearing her gardening gloves.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Oh, I'm so glad your up early, there are a
                                million things to do.  There's still some shopping
                                that has to be done, the wine has to be gotten,
                                the crystal--

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                --Whoa!  I haven't even had any coffee yet, not
                                to mention the hundred and twenty-five finals
                                I've got to grade.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Oh that again.  I thought it was a hundred?

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Over a hundred and what'dya mean, "Oh, that
                                again"?  That's my job and I work damn hard for
                                my money.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                For all $22,000.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Hey!  Does the whole neighborhood have to
                                know?  I don't need my salary leaking out.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Your salary couldn't drip out.

Mall shakes his fist.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Budson and Gerrit wander aimlessly talking.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                So what's wrong with being a doctor?  They're
                                vital to society and they pull down good bucks.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Too icky, dude.  I'd rather party.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                But what about the future?  Don't you ever think
                                about it?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Sure I do.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Yeah, so what do you see?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Breakfast.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                You've got real vision, Budson, I know everything's
                                going to work out just fine for you.

EXT. DIAG - DAY

Just up ahead, across the street on campus, there seems to be quite a few people gathered.  As they walk closer they see that there are really a lot of people, a thousand maybe and they're filling the diag, the area between the school buildings.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What's going on?

Budson grabs his arm.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Far fucking out!  Oh man, what a luck out!

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What are you talking about?  What is this?

Budson looks him in the eyes.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Dude, this is the hash bash.

They cross the street into the throng.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What exactly is the hash bash?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                I don't know, but it's been happening in Ann
                                Arbor forever, man, maybe even back to the
                                sixties.  People come from everywhere to get
                                stoned.


EXT. HASH BASH - DAY

And indeed they have, there are young folk, teachers, many hippies and ex-hippies, joints, pipes, hookas, bongs, even a guy smoking out of a French Horn.

Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young playing "Woodstock" can be heard.

Some real burn-outs have what looks like a Rube Goldberg contraption hooked to a car battery with an exhaust pipe on the end. Budson and Gerrit step up.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What's it supposed to do?

                                                                 INVENTOR
                                Electrically blow smoke rings, man.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Go for it.

They switch it on and lights flash, things begin to whiz and spin and sputter.  Many people watch expectantly.  Out of the exhaust pipe an onion ring drops out.

The burn out shrugs.

                                                                 INVENTOR
                                We haven't got all the bugs out yet.

Budson turns to a group of thirty-five year old hippies wearing buckskin and moccasins smoking hash from a stone pipe.  They hand it to Budson who takes a hit and hands it to a girl that looks like BUFFY Saint-Marie.

                                                                 BUFFY
                                What did you think of Woodstock?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                                           (Shrugging)
                                Woodstock's okay, but I like Snoopy better.

The thirty-five year old hippies are speechless and our guys move on through the crowd.  A FAT GUY comes up to them with a paper plate of brownies.

                                                                 FAT GUY
                                Wanna buy some brownies?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Oh yeah, but I ain't got no money.

The fat guy sees Gerrit in his punk finery.

                                                                 FAT GUY
                                Oh wow, are you with X?

Gerrit turns around and casually points at the X on his back.

                                                                 FAT GUY
                                Oh, cool!  Can I have an autograph?

Gerrit assumes a very fake British accent.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Sure, for some brownies … mate.

                                                                 FAT GUY
                                Oh yeah!  No problem.

Gerrit signs the paper plate and they each get two brownies.  Gerrit scarfs his right down.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Mmm, it's good to have some food.  You know,
                                though, those brownies have a weird aftertaste.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                                           (Grinning)
                                Dude, you'd better fasten your seat belt, you're
                                goin' for a ride.

Meanwhile, a little port-a-stage trailer is pulled into the diag and a microphone is set up.  A BALDING fellow taps on it, looks at his watch, looks up and smiles.

                                                                 BALDY
                                Are you ready to rock and roll?

The crowd half-heartedly replies.

                                                                 CROWD
                                Yeah...

                                                                 BALDY
                                I can't hear you.  I said, are you ready to rock
                                and roll?

Now a bit more enthusiastically.

                                                                 CROWD
                                Yeah!

                                                                 BALDY
                                All right!  Well, the band's just arrived and here
                                they come, The Polka Dots!

The crowd's applause begins to break up as they see eight older men in black polyester pants and black and white polka dot shirts with red bow ties take the stage with among other instruments, an accordion.

The guy who was driving the bus and plays the horn turns to Baldy.

                                                                 DRIVER
                                What is this?

                                                                 BALDY
                                Forget that, who're you?

                                                                 DRIVER
                                We're The Polka Dots.  I thought this was
                                some kind of a Las Vegas party.  You know,
                                like a cash bash or something.

                                                                 BALDY
                                Yeah, well you guys were supposed to be a rock
                                and roll band.

The crowd is beginning to get restless; they want music.  The Polka Dots all look at each other, shrug, then go into "Beer Barrel Polka".

Gerrit turns to Budson snapping his fingers.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Hey, these guys are good.

Budson is embarrassed for him.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Dude.

Two guys circulate through the crowd handing out flyers that read.  "Blow Out Open House Party, $3.00 all the beer you can drink".  With a map, 1212 Riverview.  The two guys stop and talk to each other.

                                                                 PARTIER #1
                                We are really going to make some big cash, man.

                                                                 PARTIER #2
                                If one tenth of these people show up, we're rich.

                                                                 PARTIER #1
                                It's a good thing my parents went outta town.

                                                                 PARTIER #2
                                Yeah.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Mr. Mall is holding a full grocery bag and walking up the street talking to himself.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                It's such a pretty day and I have so much work to do.
                                                           (He shakes his head sadly)
                                What's it all about anyway?  What's the answer?

He turns the corner and there before him is a huge mass of people and they're all smoking dope.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Holy Moses, it's the hash bash!

He is engulfed by the crowd and soon runs into a group of people, all teachers, that he knows. They are smoking a long Moroccan pipe.

                                                                 TEACHER #1
                                Well Jim Mall, I knew I'd see you here.  Take a
                                hit.

He offers the pipe and Mall shifts the grocery bag to one hand and takes the pipe with the other.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Oh boy, I've got so much work to do.

                                                                 TEACHER #1
                                Mellow out, it's the hash bash.

Mall takes a big toke.

                                                                 TEACHER #2
                                So what's with all the peanuts?

Mall blows out the smoke.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                I'm having a party tonight.

                                                                 TEACHER #2
                                No shit, well mind if I have some nuts right
                                now?

Mall takes another puff.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Sure, go ahead.

As pot smoke wafts up past The Polka Dots, they break into a polka version of Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze."  The audience loves it.  One of the Polka Dots plays the accordion with his teeth.

Gerrit is stoned out of his mind and Budson is laughing at him, because he's just as stoned.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                We're totally jellied, dude.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                                           (Mumbling)
                                I can hardly walk.

Gerrit stumbles into a group smoking a joint.  They all turn and look at him and it's Wendy with the red pigtails from the hamburger joint, the little Dutch boy from the paint, and the inflatable Michelin man.

                                                                 MICHELIN MAN
                                Hey, watch where you're goin'!

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Sorry.

He shakes his head and suddenly it's just a red headed girl, a blond guy wearing blue, and a fat fellow.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh, thank God.

He turns and there is Smokey the Bear looming over him with a giant joint in his mouth.

                                                                 SMOKEY
                                Toast me up, dude.

Budson, meanwhile, has wandered over to another group of people who have a hookah with eight hoses.  These people seem like their from another planet.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                What'cha smokin'?

                                                                 ALIEN
                                Congolese Thunderfuck, man.  Wanna hit?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Sure.

Budson puts the hose to his mouth and inhales ...

... And he is blasting through the universe ass-over-teakettle at 1000-mph past galaxies and solar systems with stars shooting past and E=MC2 and ...

... Wham!  He's standing with the hose in his hand only it's not the hose, it's a Rastafarian's dreadlock.

Budson blows out the smoke.

The Rastafarian turns around and takes back his hair.

                                                                 RASTAFARIAN
                                Please mon, don't smoke me dreads.

Mall is pretty high, looks at his watch and decides it's time to go.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                If you wanna stop by later, do it.

                                                                 TEACHER #1
                                Where are you living now?

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                                           (Points)
                                Right over there on Riverview.  It's the only house
                                with a gaslight in front.

                                                                 TEACHER #1
                                Maybe we will.  See ya, Jim.

Mall leaves, slightly weaving, clutching his grocery bag.

A group of people are looking at the flyers for the big blow-out party and turn to the teachers with the Moroccan pipe.

                                                                 QUESTIONER
                                Excuse me, you don't happen to know where this
                                party on Riverview is, do you?

Mr.. Mall's good friend points.

                                                                 TEACHER #1
                                Sure.  It's right over there.  It's the only house that
                                has a gas light out in front.

                                                                 QUESTIONER
                                Hey, thanks a lot.

The Polka Dots have their shirts open, bandannas around their heads and are in the midst of smashing their instruments, the accordion player squirts his smashed accordion with lighter fluid and ignites it.

EXT. MALL RESIDENCE - DAY

Mall gets to his front door and finds it locked.  He rings the bell and a pretty French maid answers the door.

                                                                 MAID
                                Allo, come right in.  May ah take your coat?

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                I live here and I'm not wearing a coat.

                                                                 MAID
                                Merci, monsieur.

She enters the house and Mall follows behind looking at her legs.

INT. MALL'S HOUSE

Mall takes the grocery bag to the kitchen where he encounters his wife.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                What's with the French maid?  Don't you think
                                that's a bit pretentious?

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                I'm trying to create an impression.  If you can't--
                                                           (She stops, widens her eyes
                                                           and leans forward toward him)
                                --You're stoned.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Yeah, I'm a little buzzed.  The hash bash is going
                                on out there.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                                           (Pissed)
                                You're stoned and my boss is coming to dinner.
                                Unbelievable!  You are just too much.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Oh, come on, for God's sake, it's the hash bash.
                                Doesn't that mean anything to you?

She looks him in the eyes.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Not anymore.

Mall puts down the bag and walks away.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                I'm not even sure I like you anymore.  I'm going
                                upstairs to take a nap.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Oh, so then you're not helping, is that it?

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                What do you want me to do now, put up new
                                wallpaper?  I'm taking a nap.

Mall heads toward the stairs.

Cynthia looks into the grocery bag and pulls out a bag of those orange squishy Circus Peanuts.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                What the hell are these?  I asked for nice candy.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Those are good, I like 'em.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                They're sick.

Mr. Mall becomes righteously indignant.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Just because you don't like them doesn't mean
                                everyone doesn't like them.

EXT. HOUSE UP THE STREET - EVENING

Up the street, the two fellows that were handing out flyers are rolling beer kegs into the backyard.

                                                                 PARTIER #1
                                People should start showing up any minute.

                                                                 PARTIER #2
                                Yeah, this'll be great.  We're gonna clean up.

They roll the keg next to five others.

EXT. MALL'S HOUSE - EVENING

As the sun sets slowly in the west, the doorbell rings at the Mall residence.  The French maid answers the door and there stands John Quaderer, the burnout that was asleep in class.

                                                                 QUADERER
                                Is this where the party is?

                                                                 MAID
                                Oui.  Come in.  May ah take your coat?

                                                                 QUADERER
                                Sure.

Quaderer removes his coat and takes a bong out of it.

The maid takes the coat upstairs and tosses it on the couch in Mr. Mall's study.  Cynthia encounters the maid in the upstairs hallway, still dressing.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Someone's here?

                                                                 MAID
                                Oui, madame.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                They're early.  Make them a drink and tell them
                                I'll be down in few minutes.

Ding-dong.  The doorbell rings.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Oh my God, I've got to get ready.  Is the punch made?

                                                                 MAID
                                Oui.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Please bring me two glasses and have everyone
                                start on the hors d'oeuvres.

She goes back in the bedroom and shakes her sleeping husband.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Jim, you absolutely must get up.

He can't get up.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Oh, just let me sleep.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                                           (Getting mad)
                                Get up!  The guests are here.

Downstairs, the maid opens the door and eight guys and girls, all pretty stoned and raving to party, file in.  The maid points to the bar.

                                                                 MAID
                                Please, have a drink and some hors d'oeuvres.

                                                                 GUESTS
                                Far out!

Behind them ten more people come in, as well as quite a few people who are going straight to the backyard, where the dinner table and tiki torches are set up.

Quaderer is getting himself a drink and a guy comes up beside him.

                                                                 DEALER
                                Wanna buy some acid?

                                                                 QUADERER
                                Sure, how much is it?

                                                                 DEALER
                                Five bucks.  It's Microdot.

The guy opens up a piece of tin foil and reveals twenty tiny little pills of bright blue and red.  Quaderer goes to reach for one and knocks the tin foil out of the guy's hand and into the punch bowl!

                                                                 DEALER
                                Good work, dude.  You owe me a hundred bucks.

He plucks the tin foil out and all the hits of microdot are gone.

                                                                 QUADERER
                                Oh, wow, sorry man.  Here, I got six bucks.  Take it.

The guy does take it and Quaderer sets his drink down and takes a cup of punch.

The maid comes up to the refreshment table, sets down a bowl of M&Ms and a bowl of Circus peanuts, then takes two glasses of punch which she fills right up to the top and heads through the ever-thickening crowd toward the steps.  The cups are too full and before they spill she takes a big sip of each.

In the master bedroom's bathroom, Mr. Mall is blow drying his hair, wearing a towel, and Cynthia is doing her makeup.

With a smile the maid enters and gives them each a cup of punch.  They both take big sips.  The maid looks Mr. Mall up and down, eyes his bare, hairy chest and gives him a grin.  Mall sees her, then glances in the mirror and sees his protruding belly.  He sucks in his gut and the towel drops off.  Cynthia and the Maid both burst out laughing.  He quickly retrieves the towel.

EXT. HOUSE UP THE STREET - NIGHT

A tumbleweed blows across the lawn of the house up the street, past the two entrepreneurial partiers all by themselves and their six kegs of beer.

                                                                 PARTIER #1
                                I guess we got enough beer for the two of us, huh?

The other guy chuckles.

Suddenly the hedges behind them part revealing an angry middle-aged NEIGHBOR.

                                                                 NEIGHBOR
                                Hey! Hold it down over there!

The two partiers dismally walk around to the front of the house and see lines of cars and groups of people walking past carrying six packs and bottles of wine.

                                                                 PARTIER #1
                                What the...

They follow the people over to Mall's house and the crowd's beginning to get enormous, amongst them are Gerrit and Budson, both so blown away they are just following the people in front of them.

                                                                 BOTH PARTIERS
                                Oh, shit!  We've been screwed!

INT. MALL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mr. and Mrs. Mall are both very nicely dressed in evening wear and are about to leave their room.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Now, please, Jim, don't start any arguments.  Just
                                be polite.

Mall blinks and gives his head a shake.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                I feel kinda weird.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Well no wonder.  Smoking marijuana, at your age.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                What do you mean, "at my age"?

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Now let's not start, we've got people waiting for us.

She opens the door and there is a lot of noise and music.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                My God, it sounds like fifty people are down there.

They get to the top of the steps and realize it's more like one hundred and fifty.  They are stunned beyond words or comprehension.

Budson and Gerrit are jostled through the living room and end up near the refreshment table where the French maid hands them each a cup of punch.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Thank you.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Yeah, thanks, this is a great party.

                                                                 MAID
                                                           (Smiles)
                                Merci.

Gerrit and Budson toast and drink up.

EXT. RIVERVIEW STREET - NIGHT

A nicely dressed older couple, the BOSS and his WIFE, get out of a Cadillac and are shocked by the mayhem going on around them -- lines of parked cars, lines of traffic at a standstill, groups and groups of people all heading in the same direction.

                                                                 WIFE
                                What kind of area is this?  I thought Cynthia
                                Mall said she lived in a quiet neighborhood.

The two partiers from up the street are rolling their kegs across the lawns toward the party.  On one slightly steep lawn they lose control of a keg and it goes cascading down the incline, knocking the Boss down and smashing into the side of the Cadillac, leaving a tremendous dent.

                                                                 PARTIER #2
                                Good work, buzzbrain, now the beer's gonna be
                                all foamy.

INT. MALL'S HOUSE

Mrs. Mall is really mad, but there are so many people that she can't be heard above the crowd.  She looks out the glass back doors and sees hundreds of people in the back yard standing where her flower beds once were.  She looks like she might spontaneously combust and shuts her eyes for a moment to calm down.  When she opens them everyone at the party has metamorphosed into reptiles with scaly skin and long tongues.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Oh my... What in the world is happening to me?

She shuts her eyes tightly, then opens them and now everyone has become elephants with trunks.

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                No... No...

She shuts her eyes again, opens them and directly in front of her is her Boss.  She screams and runs away.

                                                                 WIFE
                                                           (Insulted)
                                Well...

The Boss and his Wife shrug and both sip their cups of punch.

Mr. Mall has found a spot on the couch with the French maid and the two of them are staring into each others' eyes and touching each others' faces.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What's going on?  Everything's beginning to
                                stretch, kinda like Turkish Taffy.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                I think someone spiked the punch with LSD, I'm
                                tripping my brains out.

Gerrit's head is bobbing around like his neck is rubber.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                I'm gonna go lie down, I can hardly stand up.

The Boss and his Wife are just getting off and are feeling great.

                                                                 BOSS
                                Let's got do posi-burns on someone's lawn.

                                                                 WIFE
                                Far-freakin-out!

Gerrit makes his way through the crowd and up the stairs.  He first looks in the bedroom and finds John Quaderer crashed on the bed, so he goes into the study/coat room and shuts the door.  He takes two steps into the room, loses his balance and grabs the back of the chair at the desk.  Lowering himself into the chair he sighs.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh my...

Everything is sort of a blur.  It all comes into focus and there before him are all the final test papers and Mr. Mall's grade book.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Wow, that looks just like the final I took today.

He picks up the grade book and it says "Mr. Mall" on it an Gerrit knows he's not hallucinating.  He opens it up and finds his name, beside which is: C-D-E-E-D-E.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                An 'E'?  Oh, man!  I flunked the final.  I'm screwed.

He tosses the grade book back on the desk where it collides with a can of pens and pencils which falls over and out rolls a bottle of white out.  Gerrit catches it before it hits the floor.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Hmmm...

Mr. Mall and the French maid are kissing passionately and touching each other all over.  Finally, the maid stands, takes Mall's hand and leads him upstairs.

Gerrit applies a dab of white out to one of his many E's and it disappears.  He blows on it to make it dry.

The party is absolutely raging.

Cynthia attempts to make her way through the crowd as her husband and the Maid head up the stairs, her hand on his butt, his hand under her little skirt.

Gerrit writes in a C in place of the E and whites out another E.  As he pauses for it to dry the room shifts from bright pink to turquoise and the carpet seems to have a life of its own.

Cynthia gets though the crowd and starts up the steps, but finds them crooked and rubbery and difficult to scale.

Mall and the maid open the door to the bedroom and find John Quaderer, and now several other people, too, crashed out on the bed.

The maid goes to open the door of the study just as Cynthia appears at the top of the steps.

Mr. Mall sees her, blinks, then opens his eyes and sees Cynthia dressed in a buckskin dress, her hair in braids, a knapsack on her back.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Cynthia?

                                                                 CYNTHIA
                                Jim.  I love you.

Gerrit has just finished writing in another C, hears Mall and his wife outside the door and quickly shuts the grade book.

                                                                 MAID
                                Well, excuse moi!

The Maid backs away and abruptly turns and trips down the steps.

Gerrit watches from a small crack in the door.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                I'm sorry.  I love you.

He kisses her and she kisses him back.  After a moment Mall reaches out and opens the study door and leads his wife inside.  Gerrit is nowhere to be seen. Mr. Mall and his wife lie down on the pile if coats and continue kissing, then begin to make love.

Gerrit is underneath couch holding his breath.

EXT. SOMEONE'S LAWN - NIGHT

The Boss and his Wife are doing donuts on someone's lawn in their big dented Cadillac.  They are hooting and hollering and having a great time.

EXT. MALL'S BACKYARD - NIGHT

Budson is in the backyard chugalugging beer with a whole bunch of people.

EXT. BACKYARD NEXT DOOR - NIGHT

Two eight year old boys, SCOTT and MATT, watch the party through the hedges.  "Famous Monsters Of Hollywood" Magazines in each of their hands.

                                                                 SCOTT
                                Come on, let's go over there.

                                                                 MATT
                                Okay.

Just as they start to move a MOTHER'S VOICE rings out from inside the house.


                                                                 MOTHER VOICE (O.S.)
                                If you get near that party you're in big trouble!

                                                                 SCOTT
                                Aw, heck.

The two boys look at their magazines.  The Werewolf is on the cover attired in tattered, shredded clothes.

EXT. MALL'S BACKYARD - NIGHT

Gerrit steps out into the backyard and takes a deep breath.  He takes a glass of beer and strolls through the crowd until he reaches a vantage point and spots Budson.  He begins to head over to him when he also sees Tim Chudnow, the football player, looking bigger and meaner than he did before.

Suddenly Tim Chudnow spots Budson, who does not see him.  Chudnow makes his hands into fists and moves in on Budson.

                                                                 CHUDNOW
                                I'll kill you!

Gerrit picks up an empty keg and smashes Chudnow on the back of the head.

Chudnow turns slowly holding his head.

Gerrit cowers in abject fear.

Tim Chudnow shuts his eyes tightly, shakes his head, then opens them and he's on a football field.  He's got the ball and the other team`s after him.  He runs madly through the crowd.

EXT. BACKYARD NEXT DOOR - NIGHT

Chudnow comes through the hedges and his clothes are tattered and torn just like the Wolfman's.

Scott and Matt scream at the sight of the monster and run away.

EXT. WILLY LAKE MARKET - MORNING

It is morning and eight cars idle in front of Willy Lake Market.  Many people stand impatiently at the door.

                                                                 CUSTOMER #1
                                What the hell's going on here, I've got a party
                                tray to pick up.

                                                                 CUSTOMER #2
                                Me, too.  They were supposed to be open an hour
                                ago.

Another car pulls up and the phone begins ringing inside.

EXT. LAWN - MORNING

Gerrit's mustang is parked on the grass, the door open and a dim light shining from inside.  A few feet from the car is an empty beer bottle, then a smashed pack of cigarettes, a shoe, then Gerrit, his face in the shrubs.  He moans and turns his head, pain shoots in all directions.  His hair sticks straight up.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh...

He is still dressed in his X outfit.  He crawls over and shakes Budson.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Get up.  Where are we?

Budson opens his eyes and looks around.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Whoa, this is my house.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh, yeah, it is.  How'd we get here?

Budson crawls over to the cigarettes and lights one.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                I don't know.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What time is it?

Budson looks at his watch.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                A quarter after ten.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh, shit!  I've got to open the store at 9.00.  Oh,
                                no... I told you I had to be back by 9.00 on
                                Sunday.  I told you that.

Budson is looking closely at his watch.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Dude, It's not Sunday, it's Monday.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                It's Monday.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                But, I've got to be at school, I've a History final.
                                Oh my God, I'm gonna be grounded until I'm
                                thirty.

They get into the car, turn the key and wha...wha... click!  The battery is dead.

Gerrit is now frantic.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                It's all over.  I'm never gonna go to college.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Mellow out, we'll pop the clutch.

They roll the car up the street, pop the clutch, the engine starts and they drive to school.

EXT. WYLIE E. GROVES HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Just as the Mustang pulls up the bell rings for fourth hour.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Well... I missed my history final.

He's resigned to his doomed fate.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Just tell 'em you were sick, you can make it up.


INT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

They enter the building and everyone turns to look at Gerrit; his black spandex pants, black leather harness, rhinestone vest and hair sticking straight up.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What are they looking at?

INT. CLASSROOM

They get to class and Gerrit sits down next to Ann, who is looking at him totally astonished.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                How's it goin'?

                                                                 ANN
                                What happened to you?

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What?  This?  I got it partying with X this weekend.

                                                                 ANN
                                Get outta here, you're lying.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Ask Budson.
                                                           (He turns and asks for her)
                                Weren't we partying with X this weekend?

Budson nods.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                And the O'Jays, too.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                That's right, and with the O'Jays, too.  'Course
                                you wouldn't want to hear about it, me being so
                                dull and all.

Ann is overwhelmed.

                                                                 ANN
                                You really partied with X?

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Sure.  Spent the night in their hotel room in Ann
                                Arbor.

Just then Mr. Mall enters looking rather weary with dark circles under his eyes.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Quiet, please.  Your finals are graded and I'm
                                sorry to inform you that more than half of you
                                failed.

There is a giant moan.

                                                                 ANN
                                                           (Whispering)
                                Oh, shit.  My life is ruined.

Mr. Mall pauses for a moment, glances down at his grade book and rubs the end of his finger over the rough spots of white out.  He continues.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                I will now read the test scores and your cumulative
                                grade for the semester.  If you don't want to hear
                                your grade just say so and you can find out later.
                                Abrams?

Abrams nods.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                D, C. Agee?

Gerrit turns and looks at Budson who runs his finger across his throat like he's dead.  Gerrit whispers to Ann.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What happens if you don't pass?

Ann shakes her head morosely.

                                                                 ANN
                                Then all my plans for the summer are shot
                                and I have to go to summer school.  Basically
                                my life's not worth living.

Mall continues.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Budson?

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Go for it.

The whole class laughs.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                E...
                                                           (This gets a bigger laugh)
                                C.  You passed, Budson congratulations.

This brings on a round of applause.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Far out.

Gerrit smiles and whispers to Ann.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                What if you could pass this class?

                                                                 ANN
                                What about it?  I'd love to.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Consider it done.

                                                                 ANN
                                                           (Perplexed)
                                What are you talking about?

Mall continues.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                Debenham?

Ann looks at Gerrit who smiles and nods.

                                                                 ANN
                                Yes.

                                                                 MR. MALL
                                E... C, you passed.  Eisenstadt?...

Ann looks at Gerrit in utter amazement.

                                                                 ANN
                                How did you do that?

                                                                 GERRIT
                                It's a long story.

Ann smiles at him.

                                                                 ANN
                                You've gotta tell me.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                                           (Reticent)
                                Well...

                                                                 ANN
                                Tonight.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Tonight?  Are you asking me out?

                                                                 ANN
                                Uh, yeah, I guess I am.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Well, I don't know...

                                                                 ANN
                                Or you could tell me at lunch.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                I'd love to go out with you tonight and tell you
                                all about it.

                                                                 ANN
                                                           (Smiling)
                                All right, it's a date.

INT. HALLWAY BY CLASSROOM

Gerrit and Ann leave class together.

As Budson passes Mr. Mall he winks.

                                                                 BUDSON
                                Awesome party, dude.  Dug the punch.

Budson leaves.

John Quaderer, who, as usual, is asleep on his desk, suddenly wakes up in a panic and holds up his hand.

                                                                 QUADERER
                                Here!

INT. HALLWAY

As Ann and Gerrit walk up the hall he realizes something.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                Oh, by the way, I got you this.

He reaches into his pocket and removes the little box of earrings.

Ann opens the box and there is a little card which she reads.

                                                                 ANN
                                "To LaWanda, I got a bad love jones comin' down
                                for ya, Leon?"

Ann looks at Gerrit quizzically.

                                                                 ANN
                                LaWanda?

Gerrit takes Ann's arm and leads her away.

                                                                 GERRIT
                                I'll tell you all about it tonight.


FADE OUT ...

 

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