Armstrong makes a fist and shakes it like he’s got dice, then blows in his hand and throws the imaginary dice.  Bin Laden turns to Omar.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    So, Zahir, this is what you want for your
                                    country? 
                                                (points at Armstrong)
                                    This?

                                                            OMAR
                                    All I want for my country is freedom, from
                                    all invaders, including you.  You were with
                                    the Mujahideen, but you’re not Pashtun. 
                                    You fought the Russians for your own reasons,
                                    not for my reasons.  You now fight America
                                    for your own reasons that make no sense to
                                    me.  I think you just like to fight.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    That’s correct.  It’s Allah, blessed be his name’s,
                                    will that I fight injustice wherever I find it.  I do
                                    what I’m commanded to do, just like you.  But I
                                    fight in the blessed name of Allah.
                                                (points at Armstrong)
                                    What does he fight for?  Money.
                       
Bin Laden makes a fist, shakes it like he has dice, then opens his hand letting the silly imaginary dice float away off into a world of stupidity.  Omar gets his point.  Armstrong doesn’t like what he’s hearing or seeing.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    You know what?  I think you should just
                                    keep your big mouth shut or I may have to
                                    put my fist in it, OK?

Bin Laden shrugs nonchalantly and eats another piece of candy.

Just then all three of them simultaneously hear a distant buzzing sound and look up.  It’s the surveillance drone.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Oh, shit!  Let’s get deeper under this rock.

All three of them move out of sight under the big rock while peering up at the approaching drone.

EXT. SKY – DAY

The surveillance drone lazily sputters right past them.

EXT. BOULDER – DAY

Armstrong turns to Omar.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    We’ve got to get out of here, now.

They quickly collect their stuff and leave.

EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE – DAY

The three men make their way down the rocky mountainside, first Omar, then Bin Laden, then Armstrong holding up the rear, looking around nervously behind himself.

EXT. DESERT RAVINE/ROCKY TRAIL – DAY

The three men come down the rocky trail back into the desert ravine where the car was left and they began to walk.  They make their way behind the big boulder and there sits the car covered with the camouflage net.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    The car’s still here, that’s a piece of luck.

Omar gets to the car first.  He stops, takes off the black backpack and digs out the satellite phone.  He then steps over to the driver’s door and reaches for the door handle.

                                                            OMAR
                                    Let’s see if we can’t get the phone charged.

Armstrong glances down and sees a wire hanging underneath the car waving in the breeze.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (yelling)
                                    WAIT!!!  DON’T MOVE!!!

Omar, who has already lifted the door handle, freezes on the spot.

                                                            OMAR
                                                (concerned)
                                    What?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    It’s booby-trapped. 

                                                            OMAR
                                                (confused)
                                    Booby-trapped?  What does this mean?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    The car’s wired with explosives.  Don’t move
                                    a muscle.

                                                            OMAR
                                    I won’t.

Armstrong lets go of Bin Laden, who looks amused.  Armstrong moves slowly toward the car.  As soon as Bin Laden sees that no one is paying attention to him, he begins to edge his way in the other direction.

Armstrong gets down on his hands and knees and peers under the car.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    There’s definitely a wire hanging here that
                                    wasn’t there before.

                                                            OMAR
                                    What if I let the handle down very slowly?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Don’t do anything!

Armstrong lies down on his back and slides himself under the car.

EXT. UNDER THE CAR – DAY

Armstrong looks up at the underside of the car.  There are four sticks of dynamite wedged between the exhaust pipe and the gas tank, all wired together, with another wire running back up into the car.  Armstrong takes a hold of the wire and follows it and it runs right into the driver’s door.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    All right, I’ve got the wire.

                                                            OMAR
                                    Can you disarm it?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    I don’t think so.

                                                            OMAR
                                    What if you cut the wire?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    That might be bad.

                                                            OMAR
                                    So, what do we do?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    We don’t do anything.  You don’t move.

Armstrong slides slowly out from underneath the car.  He rises to his feet, brushes off his pants, then turns and sees Bin Laden backing away from the scene.  Armstrong points at Bin Laden.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Where you goin’, motherfucker?

Bin Laden raises his hands.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Nowhere.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    That’s right, nowhere.  Make me chase after
                                    you and I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass, as Allah
                                    is my witness.

Omar is getting very nervous.

                                                            OMAR
                                    Forget him, what about me?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    All right, just hang on.
                                                (picks up a small rock)
                                    Let’s try wedging this in there.

Armstrong tries pushing the rock under the door handle, but it won’t fit.  He tosses it, looks around, finds a smaller rock and tries again.  This rock fits into the slot.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    OK, now let it down very gently.

Omar eases off on the door handle which now comes down on the rock and stops.  Omar sighs deeply.

                                                            OMAR
                                    Oh, dear merciful Allah.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Get the hell away from here.

Omar does as he’s told.  He runs over to Bin Laden.

Meanwhile, the rock won’t stay in place.  Each time Armstrong tries to remove his finger holding it in it starts to slide out.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (mumbling)
                                    Aw, shit.

He finally pulls the rock out and spits on it, then puts it back in place.  Now it seems to be sticking.  He quickly rises to his feet and runs like hell away from the car.

The spit covered rock drops out of the door handle, the handle closes and – BOOM!!! – the Toyota explodes in a giant fireball, knocking all three men down.  They cover their heads as shrapnel rains down around them.  The fireball rises high into the air.

Armstrong stands and brushes himself off.  Omar helps Bin Laden to his feet.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (shakes his head)
                                    Well, everyone knows where we are now. 
                                    And they also know we don’t have a car
                                    anymore, either.  We’ll be nothing but
                                    moving targets walking back through this
                                    valley.

                                                            OMAR
                                    We’ll have to go another way.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Is there another way?

                                                            OMAR
                                    Yes, there is.  But it’s treacherous and
                                    much longer.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Well, we don’t really have a choice, do
                                    we?

Omar points at Bin Laden, who still has a bemused expression on his face.

                                                            OMAR
                                    He might not be able to make it.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Oh, he’ll make it all right.  I’ll make sure
                                    of that.  Let’s get moving.

                                                            OMAR
                                    It’s back this way.

Omar starts walking back the direction they just came.  Bin Laden follows along.  Armstrong looks all around, a concerned expression tightening his face, then also starts walking.

EXT.  ROCKY RIDGE/ ABOVE GORGE – DUSK

Armstrong stands on a rocky ridge overlooking a vast gorge below, scanning the horizon with binoculars.

EXT. GORGE/P.O.V.  THROUGH BINOCULARS – DUSK

Armstrong’s P.O.V. through the Binoculars pans across gorge but doesn’t see anyone.

EXT.  ROCKY RIDGE/ ABOVE GORGE – DUSK

At a campsite set up behind Armstrong, Omar and Bin Laden kneel on the ground and genuflect toward the east.  They both rise up, then lower back down, mumbling prayers, their shoes sit beside them.

Armstrong takes his eyes from the binoculars and glances back.  He sees the two men praying, then turns back and rolls his eyes.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (to himself)
                                    Jesus Christ!

The two men finish their prayers.  Omar scoops his rice concoction from the mess kit into two cups and hands one to Bin Laden.  Bin Laden does not accept the food and turns away.  Omar shrugs, placing the cup down in front of him.  He picks up the other cup of food, slings his rifle over his shoulder and walks away.

At the ridge, Omar joins Armstrong and hands him a cup of food. 

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    No Thanks.  I’ve got my own.

                                                            OMAR
                                                (smiling)
                                    Please.  Eat.
                                                (he pushes the cup
                                                into Armstrong hand) 
                                    Back home I’m known as a – what you
                                    call in America – a master chef.  Everyone
                                    likes my cooking.
                       
Armstrong relents and takes the food from him. He raises the cup to his nose and recoils from the aroma.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Whoa!

                                                            OMAR
                                                (defensive)
                                    It’s the spices.  I use a lot of spices.  Very
                                    good for the heart.

Armstrong hands him back the cup.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    No thanks.

Omar looks offended.

                                                            OMAR
                                    Why not?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (shrugs)
                                    It smells like camel shit to me.
                                                (changing subjects)
                                    So, you and Bin Fuckhead were getting
                                    awfully chummy back there.

                                                            OMAR
                                                (wary)
                                    What do you mean?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    You two were praying together.

                                                            OMAR
                                    So?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    So, the family that prays together stays
                                    together.

                                                            OMAR
                                                (confused)
                                    I don’t understand.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Are you two becoming friends?

                                                            OMAR
                                    No.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Are you starting to see things from his
                                    perspective?

                                                            OMAR
                                                (offended)
                                    I know what his perspective is and it’s
                                    not mine.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Just checking.  You said he was a hero to
                                    your people.

                                                            OMAR
                                    He was, but he isn’t anymore.  Do you not
                                    trust me?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Why should I?

                                                            OMAR
                                    You and I have now fought together.  We’ve
                                    fought a common enemy.  Among my people
                                    that’s a binding connection.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Right.  And you fought with him against the
                                    Russians, so you’ve got a binding connection
                                    to him, too.

                                                            OMAR
                                    That was a long time ago.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Like you said, you’re an ancient civilization. 
                                    Twenty years is a drop in the bucket.  Just
                                    remember, you’re on my team, OK?

                                                            OMAR
                                    Yes.  I understand.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Good.

Armstrong hands Omar the binoculars, then turns and climbs down the ridge.  Omar watches him go with an uncertain expression on his face.

At the camp Armstrong sits down across from Bin Laden.  Armstrong pulls an MRE from out of his pack and begins eating.   He glances up at Bin Laden.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    So, your book says if you kill an infidel you
                                    go straight to heaven and get seventy-two
                                    virgins?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Yes.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Do you then get to fuck the virgins?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    That’s ridiculous.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    No it’s not.  It’s exactly to the point.  Does
                                    your mythology make any more sense than
                                    mine?  Jesus died, came back to life and
                                    ascended to heaven?  To me, as a semi-
                                    intelligent adult, they both seem ridiculous.
                                                (continued)
                                                            ARMSTRONG (cont.) 
                                    I have no more right to kill you for not believing
                                    my nonsense than you have to kill me for not
                                    believing your nonsense.  Neither one of us
                                    has the right to kill the other guy.  I may just
                                    kill you, but I don’t have the right.

Bin Laden patiently explains . . .

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Islam didn’t exist in 500 AD.  By 600 AD
                                    there were 100 million Muslims.  By 1,000
                                    AD there were half a billion.  There were as
                                    many Muslims as Christians.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Yeah?  So what?  It’s all bullshit.  What
                                    about the Hindus?  There’s like a billion
                                    of them.  It’s all crap.  Eskimos think god
                                    is a giant walrus. 
                                                (leans forward)
                                    Come on, man to man, it’s all crap and you
                                    know it.  ‘Fess up.  You can tell me.  I swear
                                    I won’t tell anyone what you said.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                                (looks up)
                                    It is all the will of Allah, blessed be his name.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (waves his hand and sits back)
                                    Chicken. 

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                                (curious)
                                    Then nothing has any meaning?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Love.  That’s it.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Not belief?  Not faith?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    No, just love.  Everything else is bullshit.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                                (smiles)
                                    And, for you, of course, being an American,
                                    money. 

                                    Armstrong lights a Marlboro with a match.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    La, la, la.  You know what’s worse than
                                    being a terrorist?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    What?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Being a bore.  Your beliefs, sir, bore me. 
                                    Killing me because I’m not you is just stupid. 
                                    Boring.  Bullshit.  If Islam can’t exist without
                                    threatening me, then it shouldn’t exist.  Because
                                    I am no threat to Islam.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Islam is the only true path to salvation.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Says you.  I don’t buy it.  And if you kill me
                                    you don’t go to heaven, you’re just a fuckin’
                                    killer.  The terrorists who blew up the World
                                    Trade Centers, they didn’t go to heaven and
                                    get seventy-two virgins, they’re just pieces of
                                    dogshit who killed innocent people. 

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    No, they’re martyrs.  Martyrs to Allah, blessed
                                    be his name.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Martyrs my ass.  And you’re saying that if
                                    a guy in Denmark draws a comic it’s OK for
                                    a Muslim to threaten his life or to kill him? 
                                    For a comic?  Really?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    He drew the Prophet Mohammed.  It is forbidden.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (points)
                                    For you, not for me.  I get to do whatever I want.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Not by orthodox Muslim standards.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    But I’m not a Muslim.  I don’t give a shit about
                                    what you think.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    That’s why there’s a jihad against you.  You
                                    don’t see what’s right.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    By your standards.  But I don’t accept your
                                    standards.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                                (grins)
                                    And that’s why there’s a jihad against you.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Fuck you and fuck your jihad!  In English jihad
                                    means bullshit.  You know what, every orthodox
                                    anything has their head up their ass.  Orthodox
                                    means stupid.  I have to be afraid because I don’t
                                    believe what you believe?  That’s the worst
                                    sort of oppressive horseshit in the whole world. 
                                    If you really believe that, you’re the biggest
                                    asshole on Earth.  And I really ought to blow
                                    your brains out because you’re unworthy of
                                    having brains.
                                                (takes his pen and begins
                                                drawing on the MRE box)
                                    This is the Prophet Mohammed.

Armstrong holds up a drawing of a stick figure.  Bin Laden turns away.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    It is forbidden.

Armstrong keeps drawing.  He adds four vertical lines below the stick figure.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Wait.  Here’s Mohammed on camel.
                                                (adds a circle for a hand)
                                    He’s waving at you.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Blasphemer.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Yeah?  Fuck you!  You believe in bullshit! 
                                    You deserve to die because you’re an idiot. 
                                    You stand for crap.  I don’t believe in Jesus,
                                    but he kicks Mohammed’s ass.  He believed
                                    in love.  Vengeance is for assholes.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Yet you want revenge on me.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (shrugs)
                                    Yeah, I do.  But at least it’s not my religion.
                                    You want to put this all on a level of Muslim
                                    vs. everybody else, but it’s not.  That’s the big
                                    lie.  I think 99.9% of all Muslims think you’re
                                    a complete fuckin’ asshole.  Honestly, you don’t
                                    represent anything but the lunatic fringe.  The
                                    crazy people.  This isn’t about Muslim vs. non-
                                    Muslim, it’s about rational against irrational.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    What you don’t realize is that you are the irrational
                                    ones.  Driven by your base emotions.  Desire, lust,
                                    greed.  You’re pathetic.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    I’m pathetic?  You’re the one killing innocent
                                    people.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    But what is “innocent”?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    If I went to work in the morning, got on the
                                    elevator, pushed the button and the building
                                    blew up, I’m innocent.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Not in the jihad.  In the jihad you are as
                                    guilty as any other Capitalist infidel.  You
                                    want to believe that you’re better than your
                                    sins, but you’re not.  Your sins are bigger
                                    than you.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Yeah?  Fuck you!  You believe in bullshit! 
                                    You deserve to die because you’re an idiot. 
                                    You stand for crap.  Vengeance is for assholes.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Yet you want revenge on me.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (shrugs)
                                    Yeah, I do.  But at least it’s not my religion.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    But you’ll take me in for money instead.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Yep.  You mean as much to me as a winning
                                    lottery ticket.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    I daresay this ticket won’t win.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    No?  Then we both lose.  I’m taking you down
                                    with me.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Are you sure?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    I’m sure.  If I win, you lose.  If I don’t win
                                    you still lose.  It’s a lose-lose proposition for
                                    you.
                                                (changes subjects)
                                    So, what’s your big hard-on with the Jews?
                                    My wife is Jewish, by the way.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    The Israelis oppress the Palestinians.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Quite frankly, I agree with you.  I don’t like
                                    Israel’s policy toward the Palestinians.  But
                                    you seriously believe that’s sufficient reason
                                    to obliterate the country and exterminate the
                                    people?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    The Jews are an abomination.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    It doesn’t say that in the Koran, does it?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    It says that the infidels shall perish.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    But particularly the Jews?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Yes, particularly the Jews.  They did not
                                    accept Mohammed, praise be to his name,
                                    as the prophet.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                                (shrugs)
                                    Hell, they didn’t accept Jesus as a prophet,
                                    and he was one of theirs. What chance did
                                    Mohammed have 500 years later?  That’s silly.
                                    Judaism was already 4,000 years old by the
                                    time Mohammed was born.  They’d just called
                                    time-out on anymore prophets.  And what does
                                    it matter anyway what I think?  Or what the Jews
                                    think?  Or the Hindus?  Or the Buddhists? 
                                    I mean, who are the Muslims to be giving
                                    lessons anyway?  Muslims can’t live together. 
                                    Sunnis and Shiites blow up each other’s
                                    mosques.  I don’t see Jews blowing up each
                                    other’s synagogues.
                                                (points)
                                    You know what?  I think Jews embarrass you.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    Embarrass me?  How?

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    Not just you.  All Muslims, and Christians, too.
                                    Of all these silly religions. Judaism has been
                                    around for so long it makes Christianity and
                                    Islam look like Mormons. 

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                                (nods and sighs)
                                    Yes, Judaism is old.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    It’s like Judaism is like “Jaws,” then Christianity
                                    is “Jaws 2, and Islam is “Jaws 3-D.”  See, they
                                    certainly don’t get better as they go along, so as
                                    a believer in “Jaws 3-D” I think it embarrasses
                                    you that there’s an original.

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                                (shakes his head in disgust)
                                    You Americans and your ridiculous novelties. 
                                    You’re like trained animals.  Dogs that jump
                                    and do tricks.  Catch balls in their mouths.   
                                    Eternity is at hand, my friend.  The time of
                                    enlightenment is now!  These are the events that
                                    will be written of.  It’s all happening around you,
                                    Mr. Armstrong, while you sit looking for an
                                    “angle.”

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    But what if it isn’t all happening right now?

                                                            BIN LADEN
                                    It doesn’t matter.  If you say that it is, then it
                                    is.  I say that it is.  I make history, Mr. Armstrong,
                                    you simply respond to it.  Should a giant rock
                                    fall on both us right now, when this time is spoken
                                    of, I’m part of it, not you.  I define the events
                                    around me; you respond to them, fight them, try
                                    to profit by them.  I stand for something; you
                                    stand for nothing.

                                                            ARMSTRONG
                                    So, look, you must have always known you
                                    weren’t going to get away with it forever,
                                    right?  You knew it was just a matter of time
                                    before we got you.

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