May 24, 2007

It’s a Lost, Lost World
by
Josh Becker
Paul Harris

 

                                                                                                                       
EXT. OCEAN – DAY

The vast expanse of the ocean.  Seagulls swoops and caw overhead.  Land can just be seen in the hazy distance.

A title reads: “Off the southern coast of Chile, 1916, during World War I.”

Suddenly, a brass periscope rises up out of the waves directly in front of us.  The lens turns, then stops abruptly.  We can see the reflection of a battleship in the periscope’s lens.

Our view moves down the periscope, and under the crashing waves . . .

EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY

A World War I German U-boat with it’s periscope up slowly cruises past.  It’s identification number and name are painted on the hull: U-2: Achtung Baby.

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

At the periscope is CAPTAIN WOLFGANG VON SCHMÜTZ, wearing his captain’s hat backward.  He sees a huge British battleship cruising through the sunlit waves.

                                                            CAPTAIN     
                                                (with a German accent)
                                    Load torpedo tubes one and two.

A slim LIEUTENANT with a waxed mustache speaks into a brass tube.

                                                            LIEUTENANT
                                                (German accent)
                                    Load torpedo tubes one and two.

Four burly men standing a few feet away nod and say . . . 

                                                            BURLY MEN
                                    Ja wohl, mein Herr.

Two men take one greasy torpedo, two men take another, then they have to go right past the main crew and the periscope, all of which are in their way.  The torpedoes rub against everything making it black with grease, including the periscope eyepiece. 

The two torpedoes are taken to the open torpedo tubes and loaded in. 

Captain Von Schmutz lowers his eyes to the eyepiece and sights in.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Fire one and two.

                                                            LIEUTENANT
                                    Fire one and two.

The Lieutenant pushes a red button, then pushes another red button.

EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY

A torpedo fires out of the submarine and speeds off through the dark water, then another torpedo follows right after it.

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

The Captain looks up from the periscope binoculars with greasy black rings around his eyes.  He says to the Lieutenant.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    It willtake exactly thirty-one seconds
                                    for the torpedoes to travel to the British
                                    battleship, and for the sound to return to
                                    us . . .

The Lieutenant looks at his watch, and the seconds tick off . . .

EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY

The British light cruiser, Birmingham, moves through the ocean waves.  On her foredeck a SAILOR with binoculars spots the torpedoes.

                                                            SAILOR
                                                (hollers)
                                    Incoming torpedoes!

 

 

INT. COMMAND CABIN – DAY

The brass handles controlling the ship’s speed are jammed forward, accompanied by ringing bells, to “Full Speed Ahead.”

EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY

The Birmingham moves quickly out of the path of the oncoming torpedoes.  As the big battleship moves away it revealsbehind it a smaller steamship, with “Dingaling Bros. Burnum and Beatle Bailey’s Circus” written on the side.

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

The Captain orders . . .

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Dive, dive!

The Lieutenant repeats the order and pushes a big button, which begins to honk loudly.

                                                            LIEUTENANT
                                    Dive!

A crewman pulls a brass handle and bells begin to ring.

Another crewman pushes a big button and a horn begins to whoop-whoop.

Yet another button is pushed which causes a boi-oi-oing noise.

Another button causes a loud fart noise.

EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY

The submarine dives down to the depths of the sea.

EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY

The two torpedoes slam into the side of the circus ship and it explodes.  Lions, tigers and giraffes go sailing through the air.  A hippopotamus comes splashing down into the water, as well as some sad-looking clowns, all of whom are quickly eaten by ravenous sharks.

 

 

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

The crew of the submarine hears a distant metallic clonk, and they all begin to cheer.  The Captain smiles and nods, then realizes he has grease around his eyes.

EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY

The circus ship finishes sinking, disappearing beneath the waves with a glub-glub-glub.

In the water is RICHARD “DICK” CHALLENGER, a tall, handsome, dark-haired man, who is presently attempting to save his own life by swimming toward a lifeboat, past elephants, chimpanzees and clowns.  When he gets to the lifeboat Challenger finds that it already has a big, ferocious, growling lion in it.  Luckily, Challenger has his enormous .50 caliber hunting rifle strapped around his neck.  He climbs on the back of a hippopotamus and takes aim with his big hunting rifle, fires and shoots the lion off the lifeboat. 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (sort of like Kirk Douglas)
                                    Damn lions!  I’ll kill every damn one of
                                    ‘em!  I swear to God!

Challenger is a pretty intense guy.  He leaps from the hippo to the boat, turns and shoots the hippo, which goes down in a cascade of bubbles.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Damnable hippos!  You’re too fat to live!

A moment later another person swims up to the side of the boat, and a hand comes over the gunwale.  Challenger helps the person in and finds that it’s an attractive female, DR. IRIS OGLETHORPE, botanist, zoologist and chemist.  She lands in the bottom of the lifeboat, a soggy mess.  She comes face to face with a large Boa Constrictor and gasps.  

Challenger’s hand pushes Iris safely back.  He levels the rifle and blows the snakes head off.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Damn snakes!  I’ll kill all of them, too! 
                                                (to Iris)
                                    It’s okay now, it’s dead.     

Iris sits up and waves away the blue smoke.

                                                            IRIS
                                    It certainly is.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    I guess I just saved your life.  It could’ve
                                    bit you and killed you with it’s poison venom.
                                    In some cultures you’d belong to me now.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Actually, it was a constrictor, they don’t
                                    have poison venom.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    They’re even worse.  I really hate them.
                                    So, you’re that scientist woman, eh? 

                                                            IRIS
                                    Yes.  And you’re that great white hunter,
                                    Dick Challenger, am I correct?

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    That’s me.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Why do they say “white”?  Are most great
                                    hunters black?

Challenger looks blank.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Uh, I don’t know, actually.  That’s just
                                    what they say.

Iris nods skeptically. 

They hear a lion roar, turn and see a ferocious male lion on top of some wreckage.  Challenger immediately levels his rifle and takes aim.

                                                            IRIS
                                    What are you doing?

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    I’m gonna kill him.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Why?

 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Why?  ‘Cause he’s sick.  I’ll be putting him
                                    out of his misery.

                                                            IRIS
                                    He’s not sick!

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    He’s homesick, look at his eyes.

Iris grabs the barrel of Challenger’s rifle and lowers it.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Do you have to kill everything?

Challenger thinks for a second, then nods.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Yeah, most everything.  And please, call
                                    me Dick.

                                                            IRIS
                                    With pleasure, but why, pray tell, do
                                    you enjoy killing so much?

Challenger rubs his chin and considers the question.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Well . . . I guess it’s because I never feel
                                    more alive than when I’ve just killed another
                                    living creature.  Why, with all the things
                                    I’ve killed, I’d say I’m more alive than
                                    anyone except maybe God.  You oughta
                                    see my trophy room back home . . .

Challenger tilts his head back and smiles . . .

                                                                                                            DISSOLVE:

INT. CHALLENGER”S TROPHY ROOM – DAY

It’s a huge wood-paneled room, with the mounted heads of various creatures covering almost every foot of space. We move down the row of heads: an elephant, a rhino, a bear, a lion, a tiger, a giraffe’s neck (the head is out of frame), a crocodile, etc., then we begin moving even faster down the long row . . .

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    Yeah, I imagine I’ve killed just about
                                    everything that walks or crawls, or slithers
                                    or swims, runs, jumps, gallops, prances,
                                    flies, squirms . . .

As we near the end of the wall, we’re down to smaller heads: gophers, squirrels, chipmunks; and finally insects: we see the tattered remains of a mounted butterfly,
bullet holes through it’s wings. 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    . . . waddles, wades, skips, hops . . . did I
                                    say ‘gallops’?

EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY

Challenger and Iris are in the lifeboat.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Yes, I’m sure you did. And let me tell
                                    you that I am revolted. You disgust me,
                                    sir, and the sooner we’re back home and
                                    I’m rid of you, the happier I’ll be.

Challenger looks at her dumbfounded.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Say, what’s eatin’ at you, anyway?

Iris shakes in astonishment.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Eating at me?  Of all the . . .
                                                (changes subjects)
                                    So, Mr. Challenger, do you think the
                                    Germans hate the circus, or do you
                                    suppose that this war has just put them
                                    in a bad mood?

Challenger holds his rifle and looks around intently.

 

 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    If I see any damn Germans I’ll kill ‘em!
                                    I swear, I hate those dirty Huns worse
                                    than lions!

Just then the German U-boat comes rising to the surface of the ocean directly behind Challenger.  The hatch on top of the sub opens and a big machine gun pops out.  The gunner aims his weapon at Challenger.  The Lieutenant appears beside the gunner.

                                                            LIEUTENANT
                                    Drop your weapon, if you please.

Challenger doesn’t lower his rifle.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Damn!  I hate it when submarines sneak
                                    up on me like that!

Dr. Iris Oglethorpe smiles her most charming smile.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Guttentag, mein herr.

The submarine’s machine gunner cocks the bolt of his weapon.  Challenger grimaces and begrudgingly lowers his rifle.

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

Iris and Challenger are hustled into the submarine.  The Lieutenant leads them down a very thin corridor.

                                                            LIEUTENANT
                                    Captain Von Schmutz will see you in
                                    the stateroom.

They stop before a door and the Lieutenant knocks.  Captain Von Schmutz’s voice comes from within.

                                                            CAPTAIN
(O.S.)
                                    Eintrenten.

Iris and Challenger go inside.

 

INT. STATEROOM – DAY

The room is literally four feet by four feet, with a table at the center, although there’s no way to pull the chairs out from under the table.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Sit.  Relax.  Feel at home.

Iris and Challenger both try to pull out a chair and sit down, but it’s very difficult.  The Captain, who smokes a big, low-slung pipe, shrugs.  The room is rather smoky.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Yes, it is tight, but it’s a submarine, you
                                    know.
                                                (he offers Challenger a cigar)
                                    Cigar?

Challenger takes one.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Thanks.

The Captain ignites a match and lights Challenger’s cigar.  They both puff for a second  enjoying their smokes, and very quickly the room fills with smoke.  The Captain looks at Iris, then shrugs apologetically.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    I’m so sorry . . .would you care for a
                                    cigarette?

He holds out a pack and Iris takes one.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Thank you, Herr Captain.

He lights her cigarette for her.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    So, what is a circus ship doing off
                                    the coast of Chile in wartime, guarded
                                    by a British light cruiser, eh?

Challenger points his cigar at the Captain.

 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    I could ask you the same thing, couldn’t
                                    I?

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    My mission is to sink Allied vessels.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Well, mission accomplished.  There won’t
                                    be a circus this year.  The children of
                                    America thank you.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    The Kaiser sends the children of America
                                    his apologies.  So, you catch the animals,
                                    I presume?

 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Yes, I catch them.  Sometimes I kill them,
                                    too.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    But if you kill them then you don’t get
                                    paid, ja?

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Ja.  I just kill things for fun.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Aren’t you the lucky one.
                                                (turns to Iris)
                                    And what about you?  What do you do
                                    for the circus?

                                                            IRIS
                                    I don’t work for the circus, I was just
                                    hitching a ride back to America on their
                                    boat.  My name is Dr. Iris Oglethorpe.  I
                                    am a chemist, a botanist, a zoologist, and
                                    a certified public accountant—it was a fall-
                                    back position in case the science career
                                    didn’t pan out.  I was here studying a tribe
                                    of Chilean Indians who have had almost no
                                    contact with civilized man.
                                                (cont.)
                                                            IRIS (cont.)
                                                (she takes a rolled-up map
                                                out of her pocket)
                                    The most interesting thing was this map.
                                    It had been passed down from generation
                                    to generation, and was revered as the most
                                    sacred object of their culture.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Then how did you get it?

                                                            IRIS
                                    Let’s just say they’d never met a white
                                    woman before.
                                                (she winks)
                                    The map also contains written text even
                                    though the Indians themselves had no
                                    written language.  I’ve been translating
                                    it, and supposedly the map leads to a hidden,
                                    or “lost,” world, if you will.  A land where
                                    time has apparently stood still. Also, there
                                    are supposed to be ancient tribes of
                                    humans, which is what I’m most interested
                                    in.  Primitive man is my specialty. 
                                                (she looks Challenger up
                                                and down)
                                    But the map also says that there is a highly-
                                    evolved tribe of women, and their leader is
                                    a beautiful Goddess named Her-Who-Lives-
                                    Forever.  It’s just a myth, of course, but a
                                    darned fascinating one.

Challenger’s eyebrows raise up.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    A beautiful Goddess, eh?

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    And how does she live forever?

                                                            IRIS
                                    No one knows, but I sure would like to
                                    find out.  The island is supposed to be in
                                    this general vicinity, too.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Really?  There are no islands listed on
                                    the map around here.

                                                            IRIS
                                                (nods)
                                    I know.

The Captain and Challenger both rub their chins and contemplatively puff their smokes.

EXT. OCEAN – DAY

The submarine, with it’s conning tower above water, glides through the waves.  The Captain, Iris and Challenger are all out on top and peer closely through binoculars.  The Captain lowers his binoculars, unscrews an eyepiece and a takes a discreet swig.  He quickly screws the cap back on and pretends to be looking through them.  Iris spots something.

                                                            IRIS
                                    There!  That’s the smoke of a volcano,
                                    but there’s no island on the map there.

The Captain speaks into the brass tube.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Hard a-port.

EXT. OCEAN & ISLAND – DAY

The submarine circles the island.  The Captain, Iris and Challenger all look through binoculars at the island.  Iris finally spots something.

                                                            IRIS
                                    There!  Hot water is pouring out of
                                    that tunnel.  Look.  There’s a hot,
                                    volcanic body of water inside the crater.

The Captain and Challenger both look and see a stream of steaming hot water pouring out of a tunnel in the rocks and into the cool ocean water, creating a steaming whirlpool.

The Captain speaks into the brass tube.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Prepare to dive.

As the three climb through the hatch, the diving sound effects begin again, honk-honk, whoop-whoop, boi-oi-oing, then the fart noise.  The submarine submerges.

EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY

The submarine cruises under the ocean, heading toward the rock wall split with a crevasse that has hot water pouring out.  The submarine goes right into the crevasse, which is just wide enough to allow it to enter.

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

Challenger and Iris stand behind the Captain, who peers through the periscope.  The crew of the submarine silently goes about their business as they make their perilous way through this tunnel.  An Edison cylinder machine plays a recording of Rossini’s opera “William Tell,” and many sailors listen.  One sailor is busy shaving with a straight razor looking into a tiny mirror.  The sailors manning the torpedo tubes are attempting to reload.

EXT.  ISLAND – DAY

The volcano on the island rumbles, spewing lava, ash and smoke into the air, causing the whole island to shudder.  Small avalanches of rocks roll down the sides of the mountain and splash into the ocean.

EXT.  UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY

Rocks cascade down through the water and begin bouncing off the top of the submarine, causing it to shake.

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

The needle on the Edison cylinder scratches across the grooves.  The sailors listening all wince.

The Captain tries to keep his eye to the periscope.

Iris falls into Challenger’s arms.  He happily takes a hold of her, and she tries to pull free, but there’s too much turbulence.

The sailor shaving nearly cuts his own throat, and manages to chop off a clump of the hair on his head.  He looks down at the razor with the hunk of hair on it in horror.

The sailors loading the torpedo completely miss the torpedo tube and clonk the detonator on the tip of the torpedo into the bulkhead, but luckily it doesn’t explode.  The sailors all exhale and grabs their hearts.

EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY

The submarine continues making its way through the rocky crevasse.  Rocks keep falling on the sub, clonking off the metal top.  One particularly large boulder makes a direct hit on top of the periscope, shoving it down.

INT. SUBMARINE – DAY

Iris and Challenger, still holding onto each other, both look down with pained expressions.  The Captain, meanwhile, is pinned to the floor by the periscope.  He speaks through clenched teeth.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Help.

EXT. JUNGLE LAKE – DAY

A fetid, swampy jungle lake in the middle of the lost world.  Suddenly, the surface of the water begins to boil, then the submarine surfaces in the middle of the lake, all covered with seaweed, giant leeches and gooey barnacles.

The hatch on the conning tower opens and one by one out step the Captain, Challenger, and Iris.  They are all in total awe, utterly incredulous, as they see—a steaming tropical jungle, with twisting vines and bubbling swamps.  A pterodactyl flies through the sky cawing loudly.  Wooly mammoths, a brontosaurus, and a herd of raptors all go by.

They see a small, fish-like creature walk out of the swamp on its fins.  It looks around and sees a green and brown stick, which reveals itself to be a camouflaged insect.  The insect pounces on the fish and eats it.  Then an enormous bird, which screams and caws, swoops down and eats the insect.  The bird takes a moment to digest the large bug, when suddenly a huge dinosaur’s head reaches down, gobbles up the bird and walks away.

Then a 100-ton Brontosaurus comes clomping by, knocking down trees in its path.  It stops for a second, lifts one of it’s back legs and gives it a shake.  A flattened caveman falls off the bottom of it’s foot and flops to the ground, then the huge dinosaur keeps walking.

Then they see the heads of two Apatasauri (a large, four-legged dinosaur) poking out from above the treetops.  The two heads are snapping at each other, like they’re fighting.  The heads move forward revealing it to be a two-headed Apatasaurus fighting with itself.

Challenger turns to Iris and the Captain.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    So then I’d guess this is probably that
                                    “lost world” you were talking about.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Yes, it’s almost like a, a . . . land that time
                                    forgot, or something.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    It certainly is a mysterious island, that’s
                                    for sure.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Do you suppose we’re near the Earth’s
                                    core?

Iris looks at him very seriously, sighs and shakes her head sadly.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    What?

The Captain looks through his binoculars, shakes his head and mumbles.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    What a stupid question.

Challenger can’t believe it.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Hey!  I was just asking is all.  Jeez!

                                                                                                            DISSOLVE:

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY

A point-of-view moves stealthily through thick jungle undergrowth, accompanied by  loud, wheezing breathing.  The light in the jungle is pale and diffused, as though the ground were steaming.  Beams of light catch in the steam. 

The POV moves forward until it gets to a puddle and looks down into the water.  We see the reflection of OÖ-POÑGO, who has a protruding brow and a somewhat confused expression.  He is an earlier form of man, and he’s clothed in animal fur.  Oo-Pongo admires his reflection and straightens his hair a little.  He looks good and he knows it.  He walks away doing a Travolta-like strut from Saturday Night Fever.

Oo-Pongo hears something approaching, his eyes darting around.  The whole world begins to shake as something truly humongous approaches.  Oo-Pongo ducks down and hides behind a bush.

A giant Tyrannosaurus Rex steps out from behind a ridge.  Oo-Pongo sees it and freezes.  The dinosaur’s nostrils flare, it cocks it’s head, raises one eyebrow, then turns and looks straight at Oo-Pongo.  Oo-Pongo turns and runs for his life, the two-legged behemoth giving chase, the ground shaking with every step.  Suddenly, the Tyrannosaurus Rex abruptly stops.  Oo-Pongo also stops, turns and sees the dinosaur just standing there, then it begins backing up, then finally turns and runs away.  Huh?  Oo-Pongo contemptuously kicks dirt and spits at the fleeing dinosaur. 

Oo-Pongo smiles.  Suddenly it begins to rain.  Oo-Pongo grabs a palm frond and covers his head.  His smile turns to confusion as he notices that the rain is yellow.  Oo-Pongo slowly looks up and realizes he’s standing underneath a really, really big dinosaur.  Oo-Pongo tries to creep away from under the giant monster.  Just when it looks like he’s going to escape, a mountain of dinosaur crap lands on Oo-Pongo, completely burying him.  The really, really big dinosaur slowly walks away with earth-shaking steps. 

The 300-pound pile of dinosaur poop sits there steaming in the jungle heat.  In the poop we can make out monkey skeletons and corn cobs.  Suddenly, there is some movement in the poop, then an area caves in and Oo-Pongo comes clawing his way out, gasping for air.  As he crawls out of the giant pile of crap he is a severely filthy, horrible mess.  He gets to his feet and staggers away.

As Oo-Pongo wanders away he grabs a small, furry lemur-like mammal from a tree branch, and begins using it to wipe the shit off himself.  He discards it when it becomes too soiled.

Oo-Pongo’s forward progress is suddenly impeded.  He looks down and realizes that his feet are stuck in thick sticky goo oozing from the center of a flower—an huge Venus Flytrap!  As he tries to dislodge his feet, he sees that the flower is rapidly closing it’s petals up around him.  Oo-Pongo panics, grabs a hold of his legs and pulls as hard as he can, but he can’t get his feet loose, and now his hands are stuck, too.  The Venus Flytrap’s petals close up completely, utterly engulfing the helpless Oo-Pongo.

Suddenly, the Venus Flytrap coughs, gags, then spits Oo-Pongo out.  He hits the ground covered in shit and sticky goo, and quickly runs away.  The Venus Flytrap continues to spit out the shitty aftertaste, then starts to retch.

EXT. EDGE OF THE JUNGLE – DAY

Oo-Pongo slows down as he gets further from the carnivorous plant.  He hears the sound of waves crashing against the shore, and sees blue sky through the trees.  Oo-Pongo hears a muffled shouting voice and follows the sound. 

EXT. SEASHORE – DAY

Oo-Pongo comes to the edge of the trees, beyond which lies the vast ocean.  A bit further down the shore are rocky cliffs dropping into the crashing waves.  At the top of the cliff is the distant silhouette of a thin, bearded old man dressed in furs, with very long hair.  His long beard and hair whip around in the wind and he bends down and busily does something.

EXT. CLIFF – DAY

The OLD MAN is rolling up a sheaf of papers and trying to stuff them into a large wine bottle, but they don’t really want to go in.  He keeps pushing on the pages until they do go in.

                                                            OLD MAN
                                    I may never get off this island, but at
                                    least my story will be known.  Do you
                                    hear me, God?  This is my story and the
                                    world will know it!

The old man jams the cork into the bottle tightly, and with a mighty heave throws it off the cliff.  The bottle spins through the air . . .

                                                                                                            DISSOLVE:

EXT. ROCK TRIBE CAVE – DAY

Oo-Pongo returns to his home, the Rock Tribe cave.  The entire Rock Tribe, who are all dark-haired, fur-clad, dirty, with slightly protruding brows, consists of 50 men, women and children.  They cook, clean and play out in front of their cave, which is located on a cliff overlooking a river.  They communicate with grunts and gibberish.  CAVEMAN #1 picks up a spear and says . . .

                                                            CAVEMAN #1
                                    Oo-Loo.

A subtitle reads: “Spear.”

CAVEMAN #2 holds up a sharp rock.

                                                            CAVEMAN #2
                                    Oo-Noo-Noo.

A subtitle reads: “Rock.”

CAVEMAN #3 holds up a flat rock covered with steaming vegetables.

                                                            CAVEMAN #3
                                    Moo-Goo-Gai-Pan.

A subtitle reads: “Delicious vegetable dish.”

Oo-Pongo comes walking up and is greeted by a CAVEPERSON.

                                                            CAVEPERSON
                                    Obla-Dee-Obla-Da.

A subtitle reads: “Hail, fair traveler.”

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                                (smiles and nods)
                                    Goo-Goo-Ga-Joob.

A subtitle reads: “Greetings, friend, and well met.”

Oo-Pongo comes walking up and the other cavepeople wrinkle up their noses at his aroma and step away. 

A pretty, dark-haired cave girl, I-POD, steps up to Oo-Pongo and wipes some of the shit and goo off of him.  Oo-Pongo ignores her.  She touches his chest.

                                                            I-POD
                                    Oo-Pongo.
                                                (she touches her own chest)
                                    I-Pod.

She puts her hands together and grasps them tightly.  Oo-Pongo looks completely confused, doesn’t know what she’s talking about and walks away.  I-Pod looks after him, longingly.       

Oo-Pongo stoops down by the fire and reaches in for some of the cooking meat.  He is immediately pushed away from the fire by OO-GONZO, the big, bearded leader of the Rock Tribe.  Oo-Pongo doesn’t like being pushed.  He pounds his chest with his fist.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Oo-Pongo!
                                                (he rubs his belly)
                                    Lub-Lub.

A subtitle reads: “I, Oo-Pongo, have a tremendous yearning to ingest protein.”

Oo-Pongo steps back toward the fire.  Oo-Gonzo blocks his path, shaking his head.

                                                            OO-GONZO
                                    Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong!

A subtitle reads: “Be that as it may, oh little one, this animal flesh belongs to me, and to those whom I bestow it upon, and you are not included in that elite group, so scram!”

Oo-Pongo is incensed.  He picks up a stick, and so does Oo-Gonzo.  They square off.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                                (threateningly)
                                    Doo-Wah-Diddy!

A subtitle reads: “Defend yourself, you overgrown tree sloth!”

                                                            OO-GONZO
                                                (retorts)
                                     Dum-Diddy-Doo!

A subtitle reads: “Oh, yeah?  Tree sloth, eh?  How dare you!  I look nothing like a tree sloth!”

They fight with their sticks.  Oo-Gonzo is not only bigger, but a better fighter, too, and quickly knocks the stick out of Oo-Pongo’s hand, then knocks him off the cliff edge.  Oo-Gonzo yells after Oo-Pongo . . .

                                                            OO-GONZO
                                    Papa, Oo-Mau-Mau!

A subtitle reads:  “Take that!  And if you ever come back you’ll get some more.  Tree sloth?  The audacity.”

I-Pod is shocked at seeing Oo-Pongo knocked off the cliff.  A tear appears in her eye and she looks sad.  She waves her hand.

                                                            I-POD
                                    Nah-Nah Hey-Hey.

A subtitle reads: “Goodbye.”

EXT. RIVER – DAY

Oo-Pongo falls off the cliff and splashes into the water of a twisting, meandering river.   He bobs up to the surface.

EXT. ROCK TRIBE CAVE – DAY

I-Pod sees Oo-Pongo floating down the river and runs after him.

 

EXT. RIVER – DAY

Oo-Pongo grabs a fallen log and floats down the river with the current.

I-Pod runs along the riverbank following the drifting Oo-Pongo.  As she tries to keep up with him she gets hit in the face with branches.

EXT. RIVER IN JUNGLE – DAY

The semi-conscious Oo-Pongo floats down the river hanging onto the fallen log.  He passes giant snakes curled around tree limbs, huge crocodiles sunning themselves on the river banks.   The volcano rumbles and the whole island shakes.  Oo-Pongo looks up at the volcano, then passes back out.

EXT. VOLCANO – DAY

The volcano rumbles and sputters, spewing smoke and lava into the air.

                                                                                                            DISSOLVE:

EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY

Challenger, Iris, the Captain, the Lieutenant, and ten sailors stand in front of the lagoon
and the docked submarine.  They all look up at the erupting volcano.  Challenger leads the way into the jungle.

In front of them stretches the endless vista of primordial jungle, with pterodactyls flying through the sky.  Captain Von Schmutz waves the sailors forward toward the endless vista.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Lieutenant, you and the men spread out
                                    and form a perimeter, but for God’s sake,
                                    whatever you do, keep your heads below
                                    the matte line!
 
The men spread out, making sure to duck down and stay below the matte line to the endless vista.

Challenger surveys this strange, ancient world.  Iris steps up beside him, her eyes wide with wonder.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Fascinating, powerful, awesome!

 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (nods)
                                    Thank you.

                                                            IRIS
                                                (disgusted)
                                    Not you, the landscape.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (nods)
                                    I knew that.  I was doing a thing you’ve
                                    probably never heard of before called . . .
                                                (he makes the quote signs
                                                with his fingers)
                                    “. . . joking.”  We humans also call it . . .
                                                 (makes the quote signs)
                                    “. . . humor,” or . . .
                                                 (makes the quote signs)
                                    “. . . levity.”

                                                            IRIS
                                                 (irritated)
                                    Okay, just knock it off.  You think you’re
                                    cute, but you’re not.

Challenger grins his most dashing grin.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Oh yes I am, and you know it.

Capt. Von Schmutz steps up looking concerned.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    We’re almost out of petroleum.  If we
                                    ever want to leave this island we’d better
                                    think of a way to get more fuel.

Challenger sees the German sailors setting up a mechanical boiler contraption.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (points)
                                    What’s that?

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