| May 24, 2007 It’s a Lost, Lost World
The vast expanse of the ocean. Seagulls swoops and caw overhead. Land can just be seen in the hazy distance. A title reads: “Off the southern coast of Chile, 1916, during World War I.” Suddenly, a brass periscope rises up out of the waves directly in front of us. The lens turns, then stops abruptly. We can see the reflection of a battleship in the periscope’s lens. Our view moves down the periscope, and under the crashing waves . . . EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY A World War I German U-boat with it’s periscope up slowly cruises past. It’s identification number and name are painted on the hull: U-2: Achtung Baby. INT. SUBMARINE – DAY At the periscope is CAPTAIN WOLFGANG VON SCHMÜTZ, wearing his captain’s hat backward. He sees a huge British battleship cruising through the sunlit waves. CAPTAIN A slim LIEUTENANT with a waxed mustache speaks into a brass tube. LIEUTENANT Four burly men standing a few feet away nod and say . . . BURLY MEN Two men take one greasy torpedo, two men take another, then they have to go right past the main crew and the periscope, all of which are in their way. The torpedoes rub against everything making it black with grease, including the periscope eyepiece. The two torpedoes are taken to the open torpedo tubes and loaded in. Captain Von Schmutz lowers his eyes to the eyepiece and sights in. CAPTAIN LIEUTENANT The Lieutenant pushes a red button, then pushes another red button. EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY A torpedo fires out of the submarine and speeds off through the dark water, then another torpedo follows right after it. INT. SUBMARINE – DAY The Captain looks up from the periscope binoculars with greasy black rings around his eyes. He says to the Lieutenant. CAPTAIN The Lieutenant looks at his watch, and the seconds tick off . . . EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY The British light cruiser, Birmingham, moves through the ocean waves. On her foredeck a SAILOR with binoculars spots the torpedoes. SAILOR
INT. COMMAND CABIN – DAY The brass handles controlling the ship’s speed are jammed forward, accompanied by ringing bells, to “Full Speed Ahead.” EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY The Birmingham moves quickly out of the path of the oncoming torpedoes. As the big battleship moves away it revealsbehind it a smaller steamship, with “Dingaling Bros. Burnum and Beatle Bailey’s Circus” written on the side. INT. SUBMARINE – DAY The Captain orders . . . CAPTAIN The Lieutenant repeats the order and pushes a big button, which begins to honk loudly. LIEUTENANT A crewman pulls a brass handle and bells begin to ring. Another crewman pushes a big button and a horn begins to whoop-whoop. Yet another button is pushed which causes a boi-oi-oing noise. Another button causes a loud fart noise. EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY The submarine dives down to the depths of the sea. EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY The two torpedoes slam into the side of the circus ship and it explodes. Lions, tigers and giraffes go sailing through the air. A hippopotamus comes splashing down into the water, as well as some sad-looking clowns, all of whom are quickly eaten by ravenous sharks.
INT. SUBMARINE – DAY The crew of the submarine hears a distant metallic clonk, and they all begin to cheer. The Captain smiles and nods, then realizes he has grease around his eyes. EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY The circus ship finishes sinking, disappearing beneath the waves with a glub-glub-glub. In the water is RICHARD “DICK” CHALLENGER, a tall, handsome, dark-haired man, who is presently attempting to save his own life by swimming toward a lifeboat, past elephants, chimpanzees and clowns. When he gets to the lifeboat Challenger finds that it already has a big, ferocious, growling lion in it. Luckily, Challenger has his enormous .50 caliber hunting rifle strapped around his neck. He climbs on the back of a hippopotamus and takes aim with his big hunting rifle, fires and shoots the lion off the lifeboat. CHALLENGER Challenger is a pretty intense guy. He leaps from the hippo to the boat, turns and shoots the hippo, which goes down in a cascade of bubbles. CHALLENGER A moment later another person swims up to the side of the boat, and a hand comes over the gunwale. Challenger helps the person in and finds that it’s an attractive female, DR. IRIS OGLETHORPE, botanist, zoologist and chemist. She lands in the bottom of the lifeboat, a soggy mess. She comes face to face with a large Boa Constrictor and gasps. Challenger’s hand pushes Iris safely back. He levels the rifle and blows the snakes head off. CHALLENGER Iris sits up and waves away the blue smoke. IRIS CHALLENGER IRIS CHALLENGER IRIS CHALLENGER IRIS Challenger looks blank. CHALLENGER Iris nods skeptically. They hear a lion roar, turn and see a ferocious male lion on top of some wreckage. Challenger immediately levels his rifle and takes aim. IRIS CHALLENGER IRIS
CHALLENGER IRIS CHALLENGER Iris grabs the barrel of Challenger’s rifle and lowers it. IRIS Challenger thinks for a second, then nods. CHALLENGER IRIS Challenger rubs his chin and considers the question. CHALLENGER Challenger tilts his head back and smiles . . . DISSOLVE: INT. CHALLENGER”S TROPHY ROOM – DAY It’s a huge wood-paneled room, with the mounted heads of various creatures covering almost every foot of space. We move down the row of heads: an elephant, a rhino, a bear, a lion, a tiger, a giraffe’s neck (the head is out of frame), a crocodile, etc., then we begin moving even faster down the long row . . . CHALLENGER As we near the end of the wall, we’re down to smaller heads: gophers, squirrels, chipmunks; and finally insects: we see the tattered remains of a mounted butterfly, CHALLENGER EXT. OCEAN’S SURFACE – DAY Challenger and Iris are in the lifeboat. IRIS Challenger looks at her dumbfounded. CHALLENGER Iris shakes in astonishment. IRIS Challenger holds his rifle and looks around intently.
CHALLENGER Just then the German U-boat comes rising to the surface of the ocean directly behind Challenger. The hatch on top of the sub opens and a big machine gun pops out. The gunner aims his weapon at Challenger. The Lieutenant appears beside the gunner. LIEUTENANT Challenger doesn’t lower his rifle. CHALLENGER Dr. Iris Oglethorpe smiles her most charming smile. IRIS The submarine’s machine gunner cocks the bolt of his weapon. Challenger grimaces and begrudgingly lowers his rifle. INT. SUBMARINE – DAY Iris and Challenger are hustled into the submarine. The Lieutenant leads them down a very thin corridor. LIEUTENANT They stop before a door and the Lieutenant knocks. Captain Von Schmutz’s voice comes from within. CAPTAIN Iris and Challenger go inside.
INT. STATEROOM – DAY The room is literally four feet by four feet, with a table at the center, although there’s no way to pull the chairs out from under the table. CAPTAIN Iris and Challenger both try to pull out a chair and sit down, but it’s very difficult. The Captain, who smokes a big, low-slung pipe, shrugs. The room is rather smoky. CAPTAIN Challenger takes one. CHALLENGER The Captain ignites a match and lights Challenger’s cigar. They both puff for a second enjoying their smokes, and very quickly the room fills with smoke. The Captain looks at Iris, then shrugs apologetically. CAPTAIN He holds out a pack and Iris takes one. IRIS He lights her cigarette for her. CAPTAIN Challenger points his cigar at the Captain.
CHALLENGER CAPTAIN CHALLENGER CAPTAIN
CHALLENGER CAPTAIN CHALLENGER CAPTAIN IRIS CAPTAIN IRIS Challenger’s eyebrows raise up. CHALLENGER CAPTAIN IRIS
CAPTAIN IRIS The Captain and Challenger both rub their chins and contemplatively puff their smokes. EXT. OCEAN – DAY The submarine, with it’s conning tower above water, glides through the waves. The Captain, Iris and Challenger are all out on top and peer closely through binoculars. The Captain lowers his binoculars, unscrews an eyepiece and a takes a discreet swig. He quickly screws the cap back on and pretends to be looking through them. Iris spots something. IRIS The Captain speaks into the brass tube. CAPTAIN EXT. OCEAN & ISLAND – DAY The submarine circles the island. The Captain, Iris and Challenger all look through binoculars at the island. Iris finally spots something. IRIS The Captain and Challenger both look and see a stream of steaming hot water pouring out of a tunnel in the rocks and into the cool ocean water, creating a steaming whirlpool. The Captain speaks into the brass tube. CAPTAIN As the three climb through the hatch, the diving sound effects begin again, honk-honk, whoop-whoop, boi-oi-oing, then the fart noise. The submarine submerges. EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY The submarine cruises under the ocean, heading toward the rock wall split with a crevasse that has hot water pouring out. The submarine goes right into the crevasse, which is just wide enough to allow it to enter. INT. SUBMARINE – DAY Challenger and Iris stand behind the Captain, who peers through the periscope. The crew of the submarine silently goes about their business as they make their perilous way through this tunnel. An Edison cylinder machine plays a recording of Rossini’s opera “William Tell,” and many sailors listen. One sailor is busy shaving with a straight razor looking into a tiny mirror. The sailors manning the torpedo tubes are attempting to reload. EXT. ISLAND – DAY The volcano on the island rumbles, spewing lava, ash and smoke into the air, causing the whole island to shudder. Small avalanches of rocks roll down the sides of the mountain and splash into the ocean. EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY Rocks cascade down through the water and begin bouncing off the top of the submarine, causing it to shake. INT. SUBMARINE – DAY The needle on the Edison cylinder scratches across the grooves. The sailors listening all wince. The Captain tries to keep his eye to the periscope. Iris falls into Challenger’s arms. He happily takes a hold of her, and she tries to pull free, but there’s too much turbulence. The sailor shaving nearly cuts his own throat, and manages to chop off a clump of the hair on his head. He looks down at the razor with the hunk of hair on it in horror. The sailors loading the torpedo completely miss the torpedo tube and clonk the detonator on the tip of the torpedo into the bulkhead, but luckily it doesn’t explode. The sailors all exhale and grabs their hearts. EXT. UNDER THE OCEAN – DAY The submarine continues making its way through the rocky crevasse. Rocks keep falling on the sub, clonking off the metal top. One particularly large boulder makes a direct hit on top of the periscope, shoving it down. INT. SUBMARINE – DAY Iris and Challenger, still holding onto each other, both look down with pained expressions. The Captain, meanwhile, is pinned to the floor by the periscope. He speaks through clenched teeth. CAPTAIN EXT. JUNGLE LAKE – DAY A fetid, swampy jungle lake in the middle of the lost world. Suddenly, the surface of the water begins to boil, then the submarine surfaces in the middle of the lake, all covered with seaweed, giant leeches and gooey barnacles. The hatch on the conning tower opens and one by one out step the Captain, Challenger, and Iris. They are all in total awe, utterly incredulous, as they see—a steaming tropical jungle, with twisting vines and bubbling swamps. A pterodactyl flies through the sky cawing loudly. Wooly mammoths, a brontosaurus, and a herd of raptors all go by. They see a small, fish-like creature walk out of the swamp on its fins. It looks around and sees a green and brown stick, which reveals itself to be a camouflaged insect. The insect pounces on the fish and eats it. Then an enormous bird, which screams and caws, swoops down and eats the insect. The bird takes a moment to digest the large bug, when suddenly a huge dinosaur’s head reaches down, gobbles up the bird and walks away. Then a 100-ton Brontosaurus comes clomping by, knocking down trees in its path. It stops for a second, lifts one of it’s back legs and gives it a shake. A flattened caveman falls off the bottom of it’s foot and flops to the ground, then the huge dinosaur keeps walking. Then they see the heads of two Apatasauri (a large, four-legged dinosaur) poking out from above the treetops. The two heads are snapping at each other, like they’re fighting. The heads move forward revealing it to be a two-headed Apatasaurus fighting with itself. Challenger turns to Iris and the Captain. CHALLENGER IRIS CAPTAIN CHALLENGER Iris looks at him very seriously, sighs and shakes her head sadly. CHALLENGER The Captain looks through his binoculars, shakes his head and mumbles. CAPTAIN Challenger can’t believe it. CHALLENGER DISSOLVE: EXT. JUNGLE – DAY A point-of-view moves stealthily through thick jungle undergrowth, accompanied by loud, wheezing breathing. The light in the jungle is pale and diffused, as though the ground were steaming. Beams of light catch in the steam. The POV moves forward until it gets to a puddle and looks down into the water. We see the reflection of OÖ-POÑGO, who has a protruding brow and a somewhat confused expression. He is an earlier form of man, and he’s clothed in animal fur. Oo-Pongo admires his reflection and straightens his hair a little. He looks good and he knows it. He walks away doing a Travolta-like strut from Saturday Night Fever. Oo-Pongo hears something approaching, his eyes darting around. The whole world begins to shake as something truly humongous approaches. Oo-Pongo ducks down and hides behind a bush. A giant Tyrannosaurus Rex steps out from behind a ridge. Oo-Pongo sees it and freezes. The dinosaur’s nostrils flare, it cocks it’s head, raises one eyebrow, then turns and looks straight at Oo-Pongo. Oo-Pongo turns and runs for his life, the two-legged behemoth giving chase, the ground shaking with every step. Suddenly, the Tyrannosaurus Rex abruptly stops. Oo-Pongo also stops, turns and sees the dinosaur just standing there, then it begins backing up, then finally turns and runs away. Huh? Oo-Pongo contemptuously kicks dirt and spits at the fleeing dinosaur. Oo-Pongo smiles. Suddenly it begins to rain. Oo-Pongo grabs a palm frond and covers his head. His smile turns to confusion as he notices that the rain is yellow. Oo-Pongo slowly looks up and realizes he’s standing underneath a really, really big dinosaur. Oo-Pongo tries to creep away from under the giant monster. Just when it looks like he’s going to escape, a mountain of dinosaur crap lands on Oo-Pongo, completely burying him. The really, really big dinosaur slowly walks away with earth-shaking steps. The 300-pound pile of dinosaur poop sits there steaming in the jungle heat. In the poop we can make out monkey skeletons and corn cobs. Suddenly, there is some movement in the poop, then an area caves in and Oo-Pongo comes clawing his way out, gasping for air. As he crawls out of the giant pile of crap he is a severely filthy, horrible mess. He gets to his feet and staggers away. As Oo-Pongo wanders away he grabs a small, furry lemur-like mammal from a tree branch, and begins using it to wipe the shit off himself. He discards it when it becomes too soiled. Oo-Pongo’s forward progress is suddenly impeded. He looks down and realizes that his feet are stuck in thick sticky goo oozing from the center of a flower—an huge Venus Flytrap! As he tries to dislodge his feet, he sees that the flower is rapidly closing it’s petals up around him. Oo-Pongo panics, grabs a hold of his legs and pulls as hard as he can, but he can’t get his feet loose, and now his hands are stuck, too. The Venus Flytrap’s petals close up completely, utterly engulfing the helpless Oo-Pongo. Suddenly, the Venus Flytrap coughs, gags, then spits Oo-Pongo out. He hits the ground covered in shit and sticky goo, and quickly runs away. The Venus Flytrap continues to spit out the shitty aftertaste, then starts to retch. EXT. EDGE OF THE JUNGLE – DAY Oo-Pongo slows down as he gets further from the carnivorous plant. He hears the sound of waves crashing against the shore, and sees blue sky through the trees. Oo-Pongo hears a muffled shouting voice and follows the sound. EXT. SEASHORE – DAY Oo-Pongo comes to the edge of the trees, beyond which lies the vast ocean. A bit further down the shore are rocky cliffs dropping into the crashing waves. At the top of the cliff is the distant silhouette of a thin, bearded old man dressed in furs, with very long hair. His long beard and hair whip around in the wind and he bends down and busily does something. EXT. CLIFF – DAY The OLD MAN is rolling up a sheaf of papers and trying to stuff them into a large wine bottle, but they don’t really want to go in. He keeps pushing on the pages until they do go in. OLD MAN The old man jams the cork into the bottle tightly, and with a mighty heave throws it off the cliff. The bottle spins through the air . . . DISSOLVE: EXT. ROCK TRIBE CAVE – DAY Oo-Pongo returns to his home, the Rock Tribe cave. The entire Rock Tribe, who are all dark-haired, fur-clad, dirty, with slightly protruding brows, consists of 50 men, women and children. They cook, clean and play out in front of their cave, which is located on a cliff overlooking a river. They communicate with grunts and gibberish. CAVEMAN #1 picks up a spear and says . . . CAVEMAN #1 A subtitle reads: “Spear.” CAVEMAN #2 holds up a sharp rock. CAVEMAN #2 A subtitle reads: “Rock.” CAVEMAN #3 holds up a flat rock covered with steaming vegetables. CAVEMAN #3 A subtitle reads: “Delicious vegetable dish.” Oo-Pongo comes walking up and is greeted by a CAVEPERSON. CAVEPERSON A subtitle reads: “Hail, fair traveler.” OO-PONGO A subtitle reads: “Greetings, friend, and well met.” Oo-Pongo comes walking up and the other cavepeople wrinkle up their noses at his aroma and step away. A pretty, dark-haired cave girl, I-POD, steps up to Oo-Pongo and wipes some of the shit and goo off of him. Oo-Pongo ignores her. She touches his chest. I-POD She puts her hands together and grasps them tightly. Oo-Pongo looks completely confused, doesn’t know what she’s talking about and walks away. I-Pod looks after him, longingly. Oo-Pongo stoops down by the fire and reaches in for some of the cooking meat. He is immediately pushed away from the fire by OO-GONZO, the big, bearded leader of the Rock Tribe. Oo-Pongo doesn’t like being pushed. He pounds his chest with his fist. OO-PONGO A subtitle reads: “I, Oo-Pongo, have a tremendous yearning to ingest protein.” Oo-Pongo steps back toward the fire. Oo-Gonzo blocks his path, shaking his head. OO-GONZO A subtitle reads: “Be that as it may, oh little one, this animal flesh belongs to me, and to those whom I bestow it upon, and you are not included in that elite group, so scram!” Oo-Pongo is incensed. He picks up a stick, and so does Oo-Gonzo. They square off. OO-PONGO A subtitle reads: “Defend yourself, you overgrown tree sloth!” OO-GONZO A subtitle reads: “Oh, yeah? Tree sloth, eh? How dare you! I look nothing like a tree sloth!” They fight with their sticks. Oo-Gonzo is not only bigger, but a better fighter, too, and quickly knocks the stick out of Oo-Pongo’s hand, then knocks him off the cliff edge. Oo-Gonzo yells after Oo-Pongo . . . OO-GONZO A subtitle reads: “Take that! And if you ever come back you’ll get some more. Tree sloth? The audacity.” I-Pod is shocked at seeing Oo-Pongo knocked off the cliff. A tear appears in her eye and she looks sad. She waves her hand. I-POD A subtitle reads: “Goodbye.” EXT. RIVER – DAY Oo-Pongo falls off the cliff and splashes into the water of a twisting, meandering river. He bobs up to the surface. EXT. ROCK TRIBE CAVE – DAY I-Pod sees Oo-Pongo floating down the river and runs after him.
EXT. RIVER – DAY Oo-Pongo grabs a fallen log and floats down the river with the current. I-Pod runs along the riverbank following the drifting Oo-Pongo. As she tries to keep up with him she gets hit in the face with branches. EXT. RIVER IN JUNGLE – DAY The semi-conscious Oo-Pongo floats down the river hanging onto the fallen log. He passes giant snakes curled around tree limbs, huge crocodiles sunning themselves on the river banks. The volcano rumbles and the whole island shakes. Oo-Pongo looks up at the volcano, then passes back out. EXT. VOLCANO – DAY The volcano rumbles and sputters, spewing smoke and lava into the air. DISSOLVE: EXT. BASE CAMP – DAY Challenger, Iris, the Captain, the Lieutenant, and ten sailors stand in front of the lagoon In front of them stretches the endless vista of primordial jungle, with pterodactyls flying through the sky. Captain Von Schmutz waves the sailors forward toward the endless vista. CAPTAIN Challenger surveys this strange, ancient world. Iris steps up beside him, her eyes wide with wonder. IRIS
CHALLENGER IRIS CHALLENGER IRIS Challenger grins his most dashing grin. CHALLENGER Capt. Von Schmutz steps up looking concerned. CAPTAIN Challenger sees the German sailors setting up a mechanical boiler contraption. CHALLENGER |
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