CAPTAIN
                                    It’s our own little brewery.  The men
                                    get the chance.  It lightens things up a
                                    bit.  A mug of lager beer, a little Oompah
                                    music, and before you know it the war
                                    is far way, ja?

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (sighs, dazing off)
                                    Ah, the Oompah music . . .
                                                (shakes his head)
                                    Look, what if we boil down the blubber
                                    from a few of these fat, overgrown lizards
                                    and extract the oil, you think that might
                                    work?

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                                (frowns)
                                    It sounds very messy, and then how would
                                    we make our beer?  No, no, let’s think of
                                    something else.

                                                            IRIS
                                                (nods; impressed)
                                    But it just might work.  Challenger, you’re
                                    not as dumb as you look.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (nods humbly)
                                    Aw, that’s what everyone says.

                                                                                                            DISSOLVE:

 

EXT. RIVER BANK – DAY

Two cavemen from the Shell Tribe are fishing at the riverbank. They are similar to the Rock Tribe, except they are blond, tanned, and wear cleaner furs. The taller of the two men is YA-YAS, a particularly handsome caveman. As he casts his fishing line into the river, he sees Oo-Pongo floating downstream towards them and points him out to his companion, GA-GA

Ga-Ga picks up a rock and throws it at Oo-Pongo, barely missing him. He picks up another rock and winds up, but Ya-Yas stops him from throwing it. Ya-Yas casts his line out toward Oo-Pongo, misses, and then casts again. With the second cast, his curved bone hook catches Oo-Pongo in the mouth, and Ya-Yas begins pulling him to shore.

The pain from the hook digging into his lip causes Oo-Pongo to start waking up, his eyes fluttering open.  As he nears shore, Ya-Yas and Ga-Ga grab him under either arm and pull him up onto the sand. Oo-Pongo wakes with a start and immediately springs into a crouching defensive posture.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Un-Gawa!

                                                            YA-YAS
                                                (extending his open hand)
                                    Obla-Dee Obla-Da.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                                (cautiously extends his hand)
                                    Goo-Goo Ga-Joob?

They shake hands and Ya-Yas taps his chest with his thumb.

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Ya-Yas.

A subtitle reads: “He of the Enlarged Testicles.”

Ya-Yas hooks his thumb toward Ga-Ga.

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Ga-Ga.

A subtitle reads: “Blonde Caveman # 2.”

Ya-Yas points at Oo-Pongo’s chest.

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Nu?

Oo-Pongo thumps his chest proudly.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Oo-Pongo!

A subtitle reads: “Alphonse!”

Ya-Yas looks confused.

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Oh-Bongo?

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                                (enunciating clearly)
                                    Eau-Pawn-Gyoh.

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Ew-Pon-joe, Kaja Goo-Goo.

A subtitle reads: “Oo-Pongo, please accompany us to our humble village.”

Ya-Yas points to a trail behind them, and then he and Ga-Ga begin walking up the trail.  Oo-Pongo follows cautiously.

EXT. FAR SIDE OF RIVER BANK – DAY

On the opposite side of the river, I-Pod watches from behind the cover of the jungle foliage. She slowly steps out and looks up and down the river in search of a crossing.

EXT. SHELL TRIBE VILLAGE – DAY

Several fur tents are arranged in a semi-circle around the central fire-pit.  All the members of the Shell Tribe are blondes with golden tans.  The women are tanning hides and preparing food around their tents.

Oo-Pongo enters with his two newfound friends and looks around in wonder at this new culture.  He sees several men pulling a wooden cart loaded with oversized prehistoric vegetables.  As they drag it forward into the village, he sees it has square stones for wheels.  The men drag it by brute force, and occasionally, a “wheel” will catch on a rock in the ground and begin to turn on it’s axle, before slamming down onto a flat side again, to be dragged through the dirt.

Oo-Pongo rubs his chin thoughtfully.  Two small sticks appear above his head and rub together, sparking a flame—an idea!

EXT. CITY – DAY (FANTASY)

It’s modern-day Manhattan, filled with thousands and thousands of cars, all of which have square wheels and are being dragged by their owners with ropes.  Men, women and cabbies, all dragging square-wheeled cars, create traffic jams in intersections and they all yell at each other.

 

EXT. SHELL TRIBE VILLAGE – DAY

Oo-Pongo comes out of his daydream just as the cutest cavegirl he’s ever seen goes walking past.  She has long blonde hair and wears a tiny fur bikini which barely covers her lovely figure. 

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Hubba-Hubba!

A subtitle reads: “Hubba-Hubba!”

Oo-Pongo is smitten with desire and begins to walk after her.  He picks up a large wooden club near a tent doorway, raises it overhead, and is just about to bring it down on the pretty cavegirl’s head when Ya-Yas grabs his arms and stops him.  The cavegirl turns at the sound of the commotion. 

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Doo-wop?

A subtitle reads: “What are you doing?”

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Diddly diddly diddly dee, doodly
                                    doodly bop!

A subtitle reads: “This is my tribe’s traditional mating ritual, and our women have never complained.”

Oo-Pongo thinks back on his tribe, remembering . . .

EXT. ROCK TRIBE CAVE – DAY (FLASHBACK)

A Rock tribesman sneaks up behind a cavegirl, bashes her in the head with a huge club, and then drags her off by her hair.  Several other Rock tribe women shuffle about with misshapen heads, open-mouthed and drooling, obviously suffering from severe head trauma. Rock Tribe Caveman # 1 observes them, and then turns to his friend.

                                                            ROCK TRIBE CAVEMAN # 1
                                    Banana-Rama Ding-Dong?

A subtitle reads: “Ever notice how stupid women act after they’re married?”

EXT. SHELL TRIBE VILLAGE – DAY

Oo-Pongo comes out of his reverie confused, but the pretty cavegirl is smiling at him. Oo-Pongo pounds on his chest with his fist and coughs.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Oo-Pongo!

A subtitle reads: “Alfonse.”

The cute girl places her open hand against her breasts.

                                                            GIRL
                                    Ta-Tas.

A subtitle reads: “These are my breasts.  Behold.”

TA-TAS smiles at him.  Oo-Pongo puts his open hand against his own chest.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Oo-Pongo.
                                                (he then puts his hand
                                                on her breasts)
                                    Ta-Tas?

She nods and smiles.  Ya-Yas taps Oo-Pongo on the shoulder and points out a young caveboy approaching a young cavegirl.

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Gichy-gichy Yah-yah Ga-ga.

A subtitle reads: “Observe our Tribe’s Mating ritual.”

Oo-Pongo watches as the caveboy, dressed in a suit of feathers, does a bizarre chicken dance around the cavegirl, and finishes by presenting her a basket of fruit.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Zippity do-da?

A subtitle reads: “You give her food?”
                                                           
                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Zippity eh.

A subtitle reads: “Food must be given.”

Oo-Pongo looks around quickly until his eyes spy some coconuts stacked by a tent behind Ta-Tas.  He steps over and picks up two of them, then steps back and extends them as an offering to Ta-Tas.  She grabs them with a frown and hugs them to her chest.

                                                            TA-TAS
                                    Oo-oo-la Ta-Tas!

A subtitle reads: “These are Ta-Tas!”

Oo-pongo stares at the cleavage behind the coconuts.

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Oo-la-la.

A subtitle reads: “Yes, they are.”

Ya-Yas is talking to him.

                                                            YA-YAS
                                    Zippity do-da, Oo-Pongo, Zippity eh.

A subtitle reads: “Oo-Pongo must gather his own food to give.”

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Oo-Pongo bo-diddly. Ta-Tas sha-na-na,
                                    gabba gabba hey!

A subtitle reads: “Oo-Pongo is a Great Hunter. Ta-Tas come with me, and I will catch you real meat food!”

Hiding in the foliage at the edge of the settlement is the cute, dark-haired Rock Tribe girl, I-Pod.  She watches Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas closely, a frown creasing her face.  I-Pod mimics their smiles, then spits.

Oo-Pongo looks up.  He hears something.  It’s the shriek of a dinosaur.  He grabs a spear and goes after the sound, into the jungle.  Ta-Tas watches him go with a concerned expression on her pretty face, then goes after him.

I-Pod sees the two of them leave and follows.

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY

Oo-Pongo steps forward with his spear in his hand.  He sees a mighty Triceratops with it’s three horns and armor-like skin.  Oo-Pongo stealthily moves forward.  The Triceratops stops and eats foliage.  Ta-Tas steps up in the background and watches. 

Oo-Pongo moves closer and closer, then leaps on the creature . . .  At which point we realize it’s a miniature Triceratops, the size of a pig.  Oo-Pongo wrestles the creature for a moment, then it gets away and runs off into the jungle.  Grunting in anticipation, Oo-Pongo quickly pursues it.

EXT. WATERFALL – DAY

The mini-Triceratops runs around the edge of a lake, then goes right underneath a big waterfall and disappears.  Oo-Pongo’s arrives one second later but can’t find the creature.  Oo-Pongo looks all around, but it’s gone.  Oo-Pongo shakes his head in primordial confusion.  The foliage at the edge of the jungle rustles.  Oo-Pongo raises his spear and cautiously steps forward.  He grabs the greenery, pulls it aside and reveals Ta-Tas, who smiles sweetly at him.  Oo-Pongo grabs her arm and pulls her out of the shrubbery. 

Just then the volcano looming above them begins to smoke and rumble, causing the whole island to shake and shudder.  Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas both fall to their knees.  Suddenly, the animals of the jungle come fleeing past and around them, then they all go under the waterfall and disappear.  Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas’ overhanging brows go up and their eyes widen in astonishment.  What the . . . ? 

Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas step into the waterfall, then through it and finds a passageway under the crashing water leading somewhere.  They both cautiously step into the dark passageway.

EXT. LOST, LOST VALLEY – DAY

There is a crack in the rocks in the side of a mountain.  First the little Triceratops comes running out, then a moment later a menagerie of other animals run out, then finally Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas step out of a crack in the rocks, and into a lush, verdant valley.

Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas look around in utter astonishment.

                                                                                                                        DISSOLVE:

 

EXT. LOST, LOST VALLEY – DAY

With an astonished expression, Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas make their way into the lush, overgrown, misty, magical lost valley.  Giant dragonflies with three-foot wingspans flutter past.  They hear female laughter and singing.  Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas crouch down and crawl toward the sounds, through some thick foliage.

EXT. FOREST LAKE – DAY

Oo-Pongo moves a shrub out of the way and he and Ta-Tas see a beautiful lake.  The lake is filled with thirty gorgeous naked young women splashing, swimming, singing and laughing.  Oo-Pongo’s eyes widen until they nearly bug out.  The fur of his loincloth begins to slowly rise up.  Oo-Pongo and Ta-Tas both glance down and look at his rising loincloth  They’re both impressed at how much it’s elevating.  Finally, he yanks away the fur revealing a big, flat-headed cobra rising up between his legs. 

Oo-Pongo screams, jumps to his feet, backs away from the snake and directly into the waiting clutches of two beefy women warriors.  Two more warriors grab Ta-Tas.  The head WARRIOR WOMAN steps up before Oo-Pongo and deftly cracks him over his enlarged skull with a wooden club.

                                                            WARRIOR WOMAN
                                    Take them to the pens and lock them up.

The two other warriors drag the unconscious Oo-Pongo and the squirming Ta-Tas away.  The Warrior Woman slaps the club into her hand.

                                                            WARRIOR WOMAN
                                    Men, when will they ever learn?

EXT. LOST, LOST VALLEY/ VILLAGE – DAY

Oo-Pongo is taken into the village by the two warrior women.  Ta-Tas is taken away in a different direction.  She and Oo-Pongo exchange a pained glance until she disappears around a corner. 

The village is constructed of Frank Lloyd Wright-like architecture: low, two-story buildings made of natural woods, with waterfalls burbling through them.  Pretty girls in diaphanous white gowns walk to and fro and mill around.  A rhythmic drumming beat can be heard.  Oo-Pongo can’t believe what he’s seeing; it’s all too much for his un-evolved, primordial brain to comprehend, so he begins to drool uncontrollably.  One of the warrior women sees this, is utterly disgusted, takes out a rag and throws it in Oo-Pongo’s face.

                                                            WARRIOR WOMAN
                                    Clean up, caveman, this is an important
                                    service. 

Oo-Pongo is taken into the building from which the music is coming.

INT. MEETING HALL – DAY

The meeting hall is packed with beautiful women in white gowns.  They are all swaying to the beat of drums.  Some of the girls are dancing, others are beating drums.  As we look closer we see that all of the women aren’t young.  There’s a whole contingent of attractive older women in white gowns seated in long rows.  They too are swaying and clapping.

At the very center of the room, in the middle of all of these women, are five cavemen with their hands bound to a pole.  Oo-Pongo is brought forward and he is also bound to the pole.  He looks at the other guys, and they all shrug their hairy shoulders and raise their jutting eyebrows. 

Just then a phalanx of twenty buff Warrior Women push their way through the crowd, creating a pathway.  The women in white all begin screaming hysterically, crying, falling to their knees and tearing their hair out.  The warrior women hold the crowd back.

The drummers pound harder on their drums.

A female ANNOUNCER stands up and announces.

                                                            ANNOUNCER
                                    Yes, that’s right, the time is here.  Ladies
                                    and  . . . ladies, without further ado, let
                                    us all rise and join me in welcoming the
                                    Number One Queen on the Scene; the
                                    Goddess in the bodice; The Lady Who
                                    Needs No Name, But Has One Anyway—
                                    Her-Who-Lives-Forever!

HER-WHO-LIVES-FOREVER enters the hall.  She is a stunning woman of thirty-five with huge, mesmerizing eyes and long straight hair.  The crowd of women burst into cheers.  Her comes striding up the pathway, between the screaming girls, and up to a podium.  She wears a long feathered cape.  As she comes forward it becomes apparent that it’s actually a cape of live peacocks, each peacock holding onto the one in front of it with it’s beak.  When she arrives on stage, she claps her hands loudly, startling the peacocks who all fly away.

                                                            HER
                                    Thank you.  Thank you very much.
                                    No, really, thanks a lot.
                                                (points at one of the girls)
                                    Is that a new dress?  It looks new.  Okay,
                                    let’s all just settle down.
                                                (the girls quiet down)
                                    Good.  We have a big agenda, so let’s
                                    get right down to it.  All you gals here
                                    need to rape those men there—
                                                (she points at the men)
                                    —until they die, and then we may even
                                    have to get some more.  I know it’s
                                    disgusting, but it’s necessary.

Oo-Pongo whispers to one of the other men . . .

 

                                                            OO-PONGO
                                    Dah Doo-Run-Run, Hey, Dah Doo-
                                    Run-Run?

A subtitle reads: “Do you know what she’s saying?”

One of the other CAVEMEN whispers back.

                                                            CAVEMAN #1
                                    Doo-Lang Doo-Lang Doo-Lang.

A subtitle reads: “Of the many tongues I both speak and understand, this is by far the most absurd-sounding gibberish I’ve ever heard.”
                                   
                                                            HER
                                    We must keep our race going at all
                                    costs!  You get me?  So sadly men
                                    are the only answer, even if they are
                                    horribly un-evolved and backward
                                    specimens like these.  But, no matter! 
                                    For I shall remain young forever, and
                                    that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?
                                    So that I may continue to wait for
                                    Him . . .

Her points at a ten-foot-tall statue embedded in the wall.  It looks just like Dick Challenger, except that it has a silly pageboy hairdo.  Her takes a deep breath.

                                                            HER
                                    . . . Him-For-Whom-I-Wait. For you
                                    must all remember, I am Her-Who-Lives-
                                    Forever.  I am eternity, infinity, forever.  I
                                    am yesterday, I am today, I am tomorrow—
                                    but I’m not next Thursday because I’m
                                    taking a personal day.  Now, are there any
                                    questions before we begin the mating
                                    ceremony?

A young girl raises her hand and stands.

                                                            YOUNG GIRL
                                     How come we have to mate with these
                                     monkey-men, but you don’t have to?

Her puts her hands through her hair and sighs impatiently.

                                                            HER
                                     As I’ve explained before, since I drink
                                     of the Fountain of Forever, if I were to
                                     mate with these creatures, or any mortal
                                     man, I would age a thousand years in a
                                     hundred minutes, and any way you add
                                     that up it’s gonna be ugly.  I would be a
                                     huge pile of putrescent bile.  I mean, who’s
                                     gonna clean up that mess?  You?  Y’know,
                                     that’s not gonna come out of  the royal red
                                     carpet.  Think about it.  And that is why I
                                     must wait for the return of the one man
                                     who has also been cleansed by the waters
                                     of the Fountain of Forever,  Him . . .

Her points at the statue of Him.  An OLDER GAL in a white gown raises her hand and calls out . . .

                                                            OLDER GAL
                                     But why can’t we live forever, too?

                                                            HER
                                     Because if we all drank of the Fountain
                                     of Forever, then no one could mate with
                                     mortal men, or in this case, mortal monkey-
                                     men.  As it is now, more than half our
                                     children are born as un-evolved half monkey
                                     primitives.

There are a small group of monkey-children in the stands, segregated and wearing servant’s clothes, aprons and cook’s whites.  They all look up as Her gestures to them.

                                                            HER
                                     They’re too stupid to do anything but
                                     menial housework, and we have to kill
                                     them before puberty so they don’t pollute
                                     the gene pool.

Several of the monkey-children look up apprehensively at this.

                                                            HER
                                                (condescendingly to them)
                                      Not you good little children, of course,
                                      I’m talking about the very bad children
                                      on the other side of the valley.

The monkey-kids breathe a sigh of relief, smile and wipe their brows.

                                                            HER
                                    So if no one could mate, our race would
                                    die out in a generation.

                                                            OLDER GAL
                                    But why can’t we all bathe in the Fountain?
                                    Then we’d all be young forever and our
                                    race would never die out.                              

Her considers this question for a moment.  Meanwhile, one of the Warrior Women has quietly stepped up behind the Older Gal, and at a nod from Her the Warrior deftly chops the Older Gal’s head off with a scimitar.  The head hits the floor with a thunk.  The Older Gal’s torso spews blood for a second, then it collapses to the floor.

Her shrugs and nods.

                                                            HER
                                    Good point.  Why can’t you all remain
                                    young forever, just like me?
                                                (she gets furious)
                                    Because you can’t, that’s why!  I’m the
                                    only one who gets to, and since I know
                                    the secret and you don’t, you can all just
                                    shut up!  Look, this is a Monarchy, okay?  
                                    When I ask, “Are there any questions?”
                                    it’s a traditional formality, I don’t mean
                                    it literally.  So, are there any questions?

The crowd is exceedingly quiet.

                                                            HER
                                     Good.  Well then, we’re all in agreeance
                                     that for the good of the city, you must
                                     mate with the monkey-men, and I must
                                     wait for Him.  Does everyone get that?

The women all call back.

                                                            WOMEN
                                       Yo!

Her glances up at the statue longingly and sighs deeply.

 

                                                            HER
                                     And so I wait and wait, seemingly for
                                     all of eternity . . .

The statue stares blankly back at her.

                                                                                                            DISSOLVE:

 

EXT. JUNGLE TRAIL – DAY

Dick Challenger steps up into exactly the same position as the statue, peering into the distance, his rifle raised.  He walks stealthily up the jungle trail searching all around for game.  Iris steps up behind him, busily inspecting all of the flora she encounters.  She reaches out to touch a nasty-looking, twisted plant and it snaps at her fingers.  Iris recoils.  The next person in line is the Captain with a rifle slung across his back, followed by two crewmen.

Challenger raises his hand and the others stop behind him.  They all turn and see a 50-ton Tyrannosaurus Rex come thudding by, each of its steps shaking the earth.  Everybody is astonished to see an enormous, extinct dinosaur.  Iris gasps.

                                                            IRIS
                                    The Tyrannosaurus Rex has been extinct
                                    for a million years.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Oh, yeah?  Tell him that.
                                                           
Challenger raises his rifle and sights in.  Iris is horrified.

                                                            IRIS
                                    You don’t actually intend to shoot that
                                    dinosaur, do you?

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    No.  I’m going to make friends with it.
                                    I think it would make a nice pet, don’t
                                    you?  Remember, we need it to make
                                    fuel, I’m not just killing for fun.  Now
                                    just let me do my job, lady, okay?

                                                            IRIS
                                                (nods)
                                    Okay.

Challenger fires the huge .50 caliber rifle with a big recoil and a cloud of blue smoke.  A hole is blown straight through the temple of the T-Rex’s head, leaving a big hole which you can see right through.  But the hole in it’s head doesn’t seem to have bothered the
T-Rex very much.  It scratches the side of it’s head, looks at it’s clawed hand, doesn’t see anything, then goes clomping off in the jungle and mistakenly bumps into a tree.

Challenger is surprised by this turn of events, shrugs and keeps going.  Iris rolls her eyes in disgust.  The safari continues along  the jungle trail.

The safari comes up behind a gigantic 100-foot-long Apatasaurus.  It’s tail is 50 feet long!  They all walk along beside the dinosaur, past it’s big fat body, and Von Schmutz raises his rifle.  Challenger whispers to him . . .

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Remember, wait for the head-shot.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Of course.  What do you take me for?
                                    A fool?

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Just calm down, Herr Captain.

They all keep walking along beside the huge Apatasaurus, past it’s long neck which oddly leads to yet another tail—it has no head!

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Huh?  That’s one of nature’s crueler
                                    jokes.  Well, get the tail-shot, we need
                                    the blubber.
 
The bullet hits the two-tailed Apatasaurus in the tail.  It becomes enraged and attacks.  They all run for their lives as the dinosaur whips it’s two tails around and around in a frenzy.  It finally goes around in circles so many times that it gets dizzy and falls over.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    You men haul that dinosaur back to
                                    the ship.  Mach schnell!

The two crewmen exchange befuddled glances, then shrug.
The safari keeps snaking its way through the jungle.  Iris stops and looks at a pretty red flower with spiky leaves. 

 

 

                                                            IRIS
                                    Ah, the Floraluna Lhasa Apso.  Very
                                    rare.  Thought to be extinct.  Highly
                                    toxic.

Challenger picks one of the red flowers and looks at it, looking somewhat unimpressed.

Captain Von Schmutz picks one of the red flowers and and takes a strong whiff of it, inhaling red pollen.  His eyes light up, it smells good.  He gives it a lick for good measure and it tastes pretty good, too.

                                                                                                                        DISSOLVE:

EXT. LOST, LOST VILLAGE – DAY

Warrior Women have Oo-Pongo and the other men, and some other women have Ta-Tas, too.  They are separated and taken off in different directions.

INT. MATING STABLES – DAY

The Warrior Women push Oo-Pongo and the other cavemen into a darkened building.

                                                            WARRIOR WOMAN
                                    Get into the Mating Stable, monkey-
                                    boy!

Oo-Pongo and the other slaves are led into the stables, with two long rows of stalls on either side of the center aisle.  The WARDEN, a butch lady in leather, stands at the entrance and assigns a stall to each captive as their leg irons are unlocked.

                                                            WARDEN
                                    This one . . . stall sixteen, him, stall
                                    twenty.

The next captive in line is a female member of the cave tribe, with short hair and a dirty face, but definitely a girl.

                                                            WARDEN
                                    How did she get in here?  Have her
                                    washed and sent to my quarters, I’ll
                                    take care of her personally.

Oo-Pongo is next in line.  His leg irons are removed and he steps up to the Warden.

 

                                                            WARDEN
                                                (eyeing Oo-Pongo)
                                    He looks fairly sturdy, put him in stall
                                    twenty-four.

Oo-Pongo is led down the rows of stalls. Some stalls are empty, others hold emaciated cavemen lying spread-eagled on wooden pallets, their wrists and ankles secured to the four corners by leather straps.  As he passes them, Oo-Pongo notices they all have big, dopey smiles on their faces. One BONEY MAN  turns to Oo-Pongo with a dying grin.

                                                            BONEY MAN
                                    Bop Sha-doobie-doobie Bop.

A subtitle reads: “Oh, man, I’m shattered.”

Oo-Pongo is pulled over to his stall, he’s pushed onto a bed of wooden slats.  The Guard  secures his writes to the top slat, and his ankles to the bottom slat.  He hears the Warden talking to the young women who just arrived.

                                                            WARDEN
                                                (O.S.)
                                    All right, ladies, ready to fulfill your
                                    destinies?  Well, it’s time to close your
                                    eyes and take one for the team.  Red,
                                    you’re in stall sixteen, Blondie, you’re
                                    “man” is waiting in stall twenty.

From his position on the bed,  Oo-Pongo can only see the hall directly in front of his stall. He’s straining to see what’s happening, and sees RED, a gorgeous redhead with long legs, stride past on her way to stall sixteen.  Oo-Pongo becomes excited anticipating what is in store for him. Then  BLONDIE, a lovely blonde girl, walks through his line of sight heading for stall twenty.  Ooo-Pongo’s eyes widen with anticipation

                                                            WARDEN
                                                (off-screen)
                                    Slim?  I’ve got a prime specimen for
                                    you, stall twenty-four.

Oo-Pongo is straining to see the next girl.  An enormously obese girl dressed in a diaphanous gown that barely contains her overflowing flesh, steps up to the entrance to his stall.  She is the FAT CHICK.  Oo-Pongo emits a shriek as she approaches and begins climbing on top of him.

 

 

                                                            FAT CHICK
                                    Oh, he’s shy, isn’t that cute.  Don’t worry,
                                    little fella,  I know just what to do, you
                                    just sit back and enjoy yourself.

As the Fat Chick climbs on top of him, we hear the bed’s wooden slats creaking toward the breaking point, as well as the cracking of Oo-Pongo’s bones. His frightened whimpering is abruptly muffled.

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY

Challenger, his rifle at the ready, Iris and Captain Von Scmutz make their way single file through the jungle.  Von Schmutz takes the red plant and crams it into his pipe.  He toasts it up and pulls in a big hit.  Holy-moly!  This shit’s strong!  The Captain’s eyes cross as he blows out the smoke.

EXT. WATERFALL – DAY

Challenger, Iris and Von Schmutz arrive at a waterfall.  We’ve actually seen this waterfall before because this is where Oo-Pongo disappeared.  Iris kneels down and puts her hand in the refreshingly cool water.  Captain Von Schmutz sees the water and his bloodshot eyes light up.

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Wunderbar!  Why don’t we stop and take
                                    a swim?

                                                            IRIS
                                    Actually, a swim does sound refreshing.

Von Schmutz tosses his pipe, hat and rifle and dives right in.

Iris steps behind a bush and begins to strip down.  She reappears wearing just her silky undergarments and jumps into the water.

Challenger, meanwhile, is suspiciously looking all around, clutching his rifle tightly.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    I don’t like going anywhere without my
                                    rifle.

                                                            IRIS
                                    How about when you bathe or shower?

 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    At home I’ve got water-proof models I
                                    take with me in the shower or bath.  But
                                    this one’s only water-resistant, it’s not
                                    submersible.  You see my dilemma.

Iris and Von Schmutz both nod.

                                                            IRIS
                                    You’re right, you probably shouldn’t

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    Ja.  Better safe than sorry, that’s what we
                                    always say in Germany.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Really?  We say that in America, too.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Oh, all right.  Just a short little dip.  To
                                    cool off.

He sets down his rifle, strips down to his boxer shorts and jumps in.
                                   
All of sudden, eight Warrior Women step out from behind the waterfall, surround our trio and grab Challenger’s rifle. 

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                                (aggravating)
                                    You see, this is exactly why I don’t like
                                    letting go of my rifle.
                                                                                               
                                                            WARRIOR WOMAN #1
                                    Well, what have we got here?  Get them
                                    dressed, Her will want to see them
                                    immediately.

The Warrior Women take Challenger, Iris and Von Schmutz, get them dressed and hustle them underneath the waterfall.

EXT. LOST, LOST VALLEY – DAY

Challenger, Iris, and Von Schmutz are marched into the lost, lost valley.  As the women see Challenger they immediately begin whispering amongst themselves, then go running ahead into the village.

                                                            IRIS
                                    I don’t think these women have ever
                                    seen a man before.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Certainly not a real man, that’s for sure.

Iris points at Captain Von Schmutz.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Oh, you must mean a military man,
                                    right?

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Careful, sister, I get the punchlines around
                                    here.

A brawny muscular WARRIOR WOMAN punches Challenger in the mouth.

                                                            WARRIOR WOMAN
                                    Shut up!  How’s that for a punchline?

Challenger holds his aching mouth and nods.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Good one.  Nice delivery.

EXT. LOST, LOST VILLAGE – DAY

Challenger, Iris and Von Schmutz are marched through the center of the village. 
As they pass and the girls see Challenger they are now all going wide-eyed, gasping, screaming and fainting.  Challenger shrugs.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Huh?  I didn’t know my Edison cylinder
                                    of “O Solo Mio” was released this far
                                    south.  We’re at the top of the charts in
                                    Ecuador, y’know.

Iris is looking all around, her brow furrowed confusion.

                                                            IRIS
                                    This is so odd, there are absolutely no
                                    men here.

Challenger looks around, then shrugs.

                                                            CHALLENGER
                                    Huh, what do you know about that.  All
                                    pretty gals and no men.  Not a bad set-up,
                                    eh, Von Schmutz?

                                                            CAPTAIN
                                    No, not bad at all.

EXT. MAIN BUILDING – DAY

Our trio is led up the wide stairs of the village’s main building.  Girls crowd in behind them, then follow them inside.

INT. MATING STABLES – DAY

No one can be seen over the stall partitions, but the sounds of women breathing heavily and moaning, mixed with the grunts and hoots of the monkey-men can be heard coming from most stalls. 

In Oo-Pongo’s stall, the Fat Chick’s hand suddenly grabs the top of the partition as she pulls herself up and begins bouncing vigorously up and down.  Oo-Pongo grimaces and expels a burst of air each time she comes down on him. As she becomes more energetic in her bouncing, all of the wooden slats of Oo-Pongo’s bed begin to break.  She builds to a frenzy, grabbing Oo-Pongo by the ears and slamming his head up and down in sync with her bouncing.  

The Warden quickly enters the stable, waving her hands excitedly.

                                                            WARDEN
                                    Everyone, listen!  It’s Him!  He’s here!

                                                            RED
                                                (lifting her head above
                                                the partition)
                                    Him who?

                                                            WARDEN
                                    Him-For-Whom-She-Waits has come
                                    again!  Her is going to meet him at the
                                    Parade Grounds.

Girls begin popping up over the stall partitions, straightening their gowns and fixing their hair.  They start filing out of the stables, heading to the Parade Grounds. As the Fat Chick leaves Oo-Pongo’s stall, he moans a big sigh of relief.

Oo-Pongo is sunken into the broken slats of the bed.  He slips the straps free of the broken slats, looks up and all around—the stable is completely empty of women.

INT. MAIN BUILDING/ CORRIDOR – DAY

Challenger, Iris and Von Schmutz are lead by the Warrior Women down a long corridor to two big doors.  The doors are opened with loud creaking, then our trio is pushed inside.

 

INT. THRONE ROOM – DAY

The throne room is gigantic, with lines of women leading up to a set of stairs.  At the top of these stairs is a throne made of tusks.  Seated upon the throne is Her.  Standing beside Her is an old female PRIESTESS.

Our trio reaches the base of the stairs.  The Warrior Women force them all down to their knees.

                                                            WARRIOR WOMAN #1
                                    On your knees before the Queen, scumbags!

Her sees Challenger, then looks up to the statue embedded in the wall behind her, then looks back at Challenger.  She can’t believe her eyes.  It’s Him!  She rises to her feet in astonishment.

                                                            HER
                                    It’s you, you’re back.

Iris sees the statue and pokes Challenger in the ribs.

                                                            IRIS
                                    Look, that statue looks just like you, but
                                    with a silly haircut.

Challenger looks at the statue and can’t believe his eyes.  Her stands and points down at him.

                                                            HER
                                    Why?  Why have you been gone so
                                    very, very long?  Two hundred years,
                                    three months, six days to be exact.

Challenger looks stuck.  He turns to Iris and she whispers in his ear.

 

Next Page >

1   2   3   4   5

 

[ Questions or Comments ]


BECKERFILMS SITE MENU

[ Main ]  [ Film & TV Work ]  [ Screenplays [ Old Stuff ]
[
Reviews ]  [ Articles, Essays & Stories ]  [ Ask the Director
[
Favorite Films ]  [ Scrapbook ]  [ Links (& Afterword) ]  [ Web Team ]