John, 6

       OK, let’s face facts, shall we? For our species to exist we must procreate. To achieve this marvelous goal, men and women must fuck. For men and women to fuck, they must first meet. How do men and women meet? Generally, men approach women.
       This simple, natural mating dance – which occurs within every single species, from worms to birds to elephants – has nothing wrong with it; it’s the way every species continues.
       Let’s cut to the chase – John Conyers, Al Franken, Kevin Spacey, ad infinitum at this point, ARE NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING!
       Nothing. There is no crime. It’s all bullshit.
       There is no sexual harassment here; there’s only hysteria.
       When you accuse great men or women of sexual misconduct, you better have unimpeachable evidence or you are an asshole.
       Making unsubstantiated accusations is not only unlawful; it’s a sin. If you make an unsubstantiated accusation of sexual misconduct against Al Franken for doing a skit on a TV show; he’s not a piece of shit; you are. If you make yet another unsubstantiated accusation against John Conyers, the most beloved, and longest-running Senator of all; he’s not guilty, you are.
       If you call me a Muslim terrorist, when in fact I’m just a Jewish filmmaker, you are not only mistaken, you are the worst piece of shit of God’s green earth.
       If, like the two fucking cunts who demanded that the Metropolitan Museum take down a Balthus classic because it showed a young naked girl in lovely light, you should be damned to hell for all of eternity. In fact, you don’t have to be because you already are.
       “He without sin cast the first stone” (John, 6). None of us are without sin. We are all sinners, and are born that way, and if there’s a hell, we’re all going there.
       Luckily, there is no heaven or hell; only the endless void of nothingness, so don’t worry.
       When I was thirteen (my Bar Mitvah year) I was picked up in a mall by two, sixteen-year-old, sleazy (though attractive), self-proclaimed “sluts” who proceeded to take me to their nearby hideout and fuck the living shit out of me. Two older girls with a thirteen-year-old boy.
       Was this sexual misconduct? Or instead was this how babies are born? None were in this case (that I know of), but I certainly had no misgivings about the experience. As I hitchhiked home I thought, “Sex. What a glorious thing. Does it always take two older girls and one young boy? Hmmm?”
       Well, it doesn’t. So I began to fuck every girl I could, and let me tell you, at thirteen or fourteen, girls are so fucking stupid they’ll do anything, and I mean anything. That same year I ate a girl out and fucked another up the asshole.
       Why not? It’s fun, and there’s no calories gained. In fact, you burn calories, so it’s actually good for you to fuck any which way you can, and if there’s issue, bingo, you’ve managed to continue the species. Voila!
       Rape is rape; if you decide later that it’s not rape, well . . .
       “A woman goes into a police station and says she was raped. The police ask, ‘When did you decide it was rape?’ She replies, ‘When he didn’t pay me.’”

—Josh Becker



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