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"THE PRESIDENT'S BRAIN IS MISSING" By Josh Becker
Josh Becker
A FEMALE REPORTER steps up in front of the White House holding a microphone and speaking directly into the lens. FEMALE
REPORTER NEWS MONTAGE: In stills, video tape clips, and political commercials we see PRESIDENT JOSEPH K. BURTON, forty-two years old, dark-hair, salt and pepper at the temples, square-jaw, tall, and handsome. Sort of like Dan Quayle, but a little more on the ball. We see the headline: "BURTON WINS LANDSLIDE VICTORY; 2nd Youngest President Since Teddy Roosevelt". FEMALE
REPORTER DISSOLVE: INT. WHITE HOUSE/ CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY President Joe Burton's eye twitches. He reaches up and rubs it, but it doesn't stop. He looks up the long, mahogany conference table where there sit two long rows of men, some in suits, some in military uniforms, all facing him and all the men are pretending like they're not looking at his twitching eye, which they are. A big, barrel-chested black man in a general's uniform, GENERAL SEAHOLM, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, speaks: GENERAL
SEAHOLM Joe interjects, his twitching eyebrow raised: JOE General Seaholm turns to his aide and exchanges whisper and papers. GENERAL
SEAHOLM JOE The tall, wiry, gray-haired, Secretary of State, HENRY HARRISON, stands up with a document in his hand.
JOE HARRISON JOE HARRISON This gets a chuckle from the assembly. Joe turns to General Seaholm. JOE GENERAL
SEAHOLM The bill is slid forward and a pen is put into Joe's hand. Joe looks up the long table at the eager, expectant faces all gazing back at him. Joe hesitates, unsure. Secretary of State Harrison leans over Joe's shoulder. HARRISON ASSEMBLY
JOE There is a general sigh of relief from the multitude.
Joe looks at the military men crowding around him and smiles. They all
smile back. Joe puts the point of the pen to the line marked "President
Joseph K. Burton." The pen tip forms the letters one by one that
spell Joe's name, A red rubber stamp slams down on the front page of the document stating, "PASSED." The document is placed in a copier, the top is slammed down, the light flashes, and collated copies begin firing out of the machine. Copies of the document are twisted into plastic containers, which are fed into pneumatic pipes and sucked into the various government buildings around Washington, D.C. The document is taken out of its plastic container and dropped into a bin marked, "IMMEDIATE BUSINESS." Mighty redwood trees crash to the ground. Spinning blades rip the wood to pulp. Bundles of paper come off the conveyor belt and are automatically wrapped. Copiers of every shape and size create thousands of duplicates. Fax machines spit the document out in curved ribbons. Now a copier fires out sheet after sheet of pink paper. White-coated doctors, nurses, and orderlies open envelopes revealing the pink slips -- they're all fired. EXT. AKRON COUNTY HOSPITAL - DAY The county hospital in Akron, Ohio is a deco, late 1920's building in a bad part of town. A sign in front says, "Akron, Ohio, County Hospital."
A DOCTOR in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck walks up the hospital corridor with a pink slip in his hand. He passes the nurses station where all the nurses and orderlies are studying their own pink slips. The Doctor enters a hospital room. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY This is a large room for ten, pathetic-looking patients in various states of disrepair. In a corner bed is KEVIN GROVES, forty-two years old, but missing all of his hair. Beside Kevin's bed sits his attractive though sad, thirty-six year old, wife, MOLLY, and his bespectacled, nerd, eight year old son, DELBERT. The Doctor steps up, holds out the pink slip and sadly sighs. MOLLY DOCTOR MOLLY DOCTOR MOLLY The doctor looks at this sad little family and shakes his head. DOCTOR Kevin looks around in a confused, dying daze. EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT A little farmhouse sits on the hilly Ohio ground,
bathed in moonlight. Beside the house are a tilled field, a barn, and
a broken windmill.
Molly and Delbert sit in very similar positions around Kevin's sickbed -- both are asleep. Kevin opens his eyes, reaches upward and begins to moan. Molly and Delbert both wake up. Molly jumps to her feet. Kevin reaches toward her, his bloodshot eyes wide open. KEVIN Kevin's hand drops to the bed, his head droops over and he dies. Molly takes hold of her dead husband, drops her head on his chest and cries. Suddenly, Kevin bursts awake, sits up and grabs Delbert's shirt, frightening both he and Molly. KEVIN Molly shakes her head yes to Delbert, who nods. DELBERT KEVIN Kevin dies again, this time for keeps. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY It's a sunny summer day at the White House. INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY JOE The aide holds yet another pile of envelopes. AIDE The aide sets the mail down and leaves. Joe glances at the top envelope, the return address coming from Akron, Ohio. Joe smiles. JOE Joe opens the letter-it's an invitation to Kevin Groves' funeral. Joe's eyes widen in horror. JOE There is an accompanying note which Joe reads: JOE Joe glances at the Washington Post sitting on his desk, the headline stating: "MILITARY GETS 20TH STEALTH BOMBER." The sub-headline reads: "Massive Cost Overrun; Bomber Costs $60 Billion!" Joe holds his aching head. Joe looks up and his eye starts to really twitch.
Joe glances at the calendar: June 6th. JOE Joe pushes the button on his complicated phone system. JOE INT. WHITE HOUSE WASHROOM - DAY A very, very old black man, the white house washroom attendant, SAM WILSON, answers the phone. SAM INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY Joe looks at his phone hatefully. JOE SAM JOE
JOE SAM JOE Joe hangs up. He studies the phone closely, then deliberately pushes a button. An OPERATOR comes on the line. OPERATOR JOE OPERATOR The door to the oval office opens and Henry Harrison enters. Joe looks surprised and hangs up. JOE HARRISON Harrison looks in a date book.
Joe sits down and wipes his brow. JOE HARRISON JOE HARRISON Harrison exits. Joe pulls the funeral invitation out of his pocket JOE Joe's eye keeps right on twitching. Joe picks up the phone and punches the button. JOE Sam, the washroom attendant, answers. JOE SAM JOE SAM JOE Joe disconnects. He studies the phone with his twitching eye, then pushes a button. The female operator returns. OPERATOR JOE OPERATOR JOE OPERATOR OPERATOR Joe hears a series of weird electronic noises, culminating in . . . SAM JOE SAM JOE Joe disconnects. His eye is really twitching now. Joe taps his finger for a second, then pushes the button on his phone. The Operator comes back on. OPERATOR JOE OPERATOR JOE OPERATOR RECORDING Joe forlornly hangs up. JOE And his eye keeps right on twitching . . . DISSOLVE: INT. WHITE HOUSE/ MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Joe looks like hell as he wearily disrobes beside a big bed. With his pants off, wearing under-shorts, a shirt and a tie, Joe opens the bathroom door on the left side of the room, goes in and shuts the door behind him. The bathroom door on the right side of the room
opens and out steps Joe's wife, the First Lady, The bathroom door to the left reopens. Out steps Joe holding a toothbrush, a bent tube of toothpaste, and a ribbon of red toothpaste gel on his white shirt. The bathroom door on the right opens and out steps Nora, now with tissues stuck to the dried cream on her hands. She and Joe confront each other across the bed. NORA JOE JOE NORA JOE NORA JOE NORA JOE NORA JOE
NORA
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