Oct. 24, 2006

The Horribleness

Screenplay by:
Josh Becker
Paul Harris

EXT. CHURCH – DAWN

The orange streaks of dawn are just beginning to show in the cloudy sky.  Our Lady of the Blessed Sacred Bloody Heart of Christ Catholic Church stands out sharply against the early morning light.  The sign in front of the church contains the quote, “Jesus tied his ass to a tree, then walked forty miles” – Proverbs 7:11.  We hear the breathy, whispered words of a prayer.

                                                            FATHER PADDY (O.S.)
                                    Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed
                                    be thy name . . .

INT. CHURCH/ PRIEST’S ROOM – NIGHT

On the wall is a gruesome crucifix, Jesus’ face is twisted into a horrible grimace and
five arrows are embedded in his bloody chest.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    . . . thy kingdom come, thy will be done,
                                    on Earth as it is in heaven. . .

FATHER PADDY, a Catholic priest in his 40s, is down on his knees on the stone floor fervently praying, his face coated with sweat, his eyes are glazed as they stare upward.
 
                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Oh, Lord, I beseech thee in thy infinite
                                    wisdom and mercy, please grant me
                                    strength.  Strength to fight off the devil’s
                                    temptations; strength to ward off the sins
                                    of the flesh; strength to remain pure in
                                    my faith and devotion.

He waits a moment, but God does not reply.  Father Paddy sighs deeply, wiping his
sweaty brow.  He takes out a pack of filterless Camel Cigarettes, puts one in his mouth,  lights it and inhales deeply.  He blows out a long stream of smoke and sighs wearily.

Father Paddy steps over to the bookshelf, reaches behind the books and takes out a bottle of whiskey and a glass.  He pours himself a big shot and slams it back, then takes a deep breath, opening his eyes wide.

Father Paddy then reaches behind the desk and pulls out a green plastic bong.  He puts the bong to his mouth, lights the bowl and the bong gurgles gingerly as Father Paddy gets a big hit of pot.  He winces as he holds in the massive hit, almost coughing, but stopping himself.  He glances upward.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    About that strength I was asking you
                                    for, Lord, uh, the sooner you could send
                                    it the better, okay?

Father Paddy waits, but there’s still no reply.  He looks utterly miserable as he opens the desk drawer, takes out a mirror with a small pile of cocaine on it, a rolled-up dollar bill, and a razorblade, which he uses to expertly cut lines.  In utter anguish he bends down, puts the rolled-up dollar bill to his nostril and snorts the line.

INT.  CHURCH – DAY

Father Paddy preaches his sermon to his sparse congregation.  He has white powder on his nostrils and is whacked-out on cocaine (among other things).

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Oh God, you are so unknowable in
                                    your vastness, yet so vast in your
                                    unknowableness.  To claim to know
                                    anything about you is the height of
                                    absurdity, but isn’t that exactly why
                                    we’re here?  To try to quantify you
                                    into simple human terms?  Based
                                    on no evidence at all?  It really blows
                                    my mind.  Like Moses or Jesus or
                                    somebody says somewhere in the bible,
                                    “Whoa, man, this is some heavy shit,”
                                    or something to that effect.  And it’s true,
                                    it is heavy shit.  The heaviest!

We see that there are eight people in the congregation, and most of them look like homeless vagrants who need a place to sleep.  One vagrant tears a page from the hymnal and rolls a cigarette.   Another bum has built a fire on the floor and is cooking beans in the can.

An older priest in his 60s, the BISHOP, stands at the back of the church and surveys the proceedings with a look of disappointment, sadly shaking his head.

EXT. CHURCH – DAY

The Bishop and Father Paddy walk in front of the church and talk.

                                                            BISHOP
                                    So, Father Paddy, I watched part
                                    of your sermon today, and I saw
                                    how your congregation reacted to
                                    it as well.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    So?  What did you think?  Pretty
                                    good, huh?

                                                            BISHOP
                                    Very moving, Father, but you don’t
                                    seem to have many congregants
                                    left, do you?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Just the true believers.  The half-hearted
                                    cowards have defected to the lesser
                                    denominations.

                                                            BISHOP
                                    Really?  Well, I’m here to inform
                                    you that you’ll just have to figure
                                    out how to get more people in here,
                                    and soon, or you can expect your
                                    next posting will be to a mission in
                                    Rwanda, where your talents can be
                                    put to better use.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    What talents are those, father?

The  Bishop looks at him blankly, he can’t think of any. 

                                                            BISHOP
                                    You know what I mean.

Father Paddy gets the message and looks very serious.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                                (nods)
                                    I see.  I’ll do my best, father. 

                                                            BISHOP
                                    I know you will.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    I pray for strength and guidance every
                                    day, father.

                                                            BISHOP
                                    So do I, but God in his infinite wisdom
                                    doesn’t grant us all of our prayers.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                                (shrugs)
                                    Amen.

                                                            BISHOP
                                                (changing subjects)
                                    So, did you read the new “Choirboys
                                    in Paradise” Magazine?  Quite a good
                                    issue, I thought.

The Bishop pulls out a rolled up copy of the magazine from his sleeve.  On the cover is a  photograph of a young choirboy in a white robe on a surfboard, hangin’ ten, ridin’ the tube.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                                (smiles)
                                    Oh, yes.  I found it very uplifting.

                                                            BISHOP
                                    Me, too.  And excellent articles.

They both step up to the door of the priest’s office.  On the door is written, “Father Paddy O’Furniture.”

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DUSK

This is a huge, creepy, haunted mansion.  Lightning cracks across the darkening sky illuminating  the gothic monstrosity.  The clouds boil ominously through the sky behind the house.

A moving truck is parked in front of the house.  On the side of the truck it says, “Starving Students Moving Company.”  We see thin, ragged, filthy young men and women unloading the truck who are being yelled at by a burly FOREMAN.

                                                            FOREMAN
                                    Move it there, Freshman!  And you,
                                    Sophomore, grab the other side of
                                    the box!
                                   
The FRESHMAN winces and croaks . . .

                                                            FRESHMAN
                                    Hungry, I’m so very hungry.

The starving students bring a shiny black coffin out of the truck and take it into the house.

                                                                                                                        DISSOLVE:

INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT

A coffin sits on a pedestal at the center of the stone mausoleum with a beam of moonlight shining in through the skylight illuminating it.  The lid of the coffin slowly opens with a loud creak.  Inside the coffin lies DR. AQULA, wearing black tuxedo tails, his collar upturned, a pasty white complexion, and his slicked-back hair comes to a widow’s peak.   His eyes open.  He slowly sits upright.  The coffin is precariously balanced on the pedestal, slightly teetering back and forth, making Dr. Aqula a little nervous.

Dr. Aqula magically transforms into a bat.  However, it’s a cheap marionette bat and we can see the strings.  The bat flies out the window.

EXT. CITYSCAPE – NIGHT

The bat flies over the city.  Suddenly, a spotlight hits the bat, illuminating it and creating a round beam of light with a bat silhouette inside it.  The voices of PEOPLE are heard from the street below.

                                                            PEOPLE #1 (O.S.)
                                    It’s Batman!

                                                            PEOPLE #2 (O.S.)
                                    Batman, save us!

Dr. Aqula as the bat yells down to them, with a Transylvanian accent.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    I’m not Batman, fuck you!  Leave me
                                    alone!  And get that fucking light out
                                    of my eyes, you assholes!

He tries to fly away, but the beam of light stays on him.

EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

Meanwhile, in a dark alley, the real BATMAN (in his 1940s serial costume) has a VILLAIN holding a knife backed up against a wall.  Batman turns to look up at the bat-signal in the sky, at which point the villain sticks him in the gut with the knife.  Batman winces in horrible pain, grabbing the hilt of the knife.

                                                            BATMAN
                                                (confused and saddened)
                                    Oh, dear God, why?  Why?

Batman collapses in a heap and dies.  The villain raises his arms in triumph.

                                                            VILLIAN
                                    After the failure of all the other
                                    Super-villains, The Joker, The Riddler,
                                    The Penguin, who would have thought
                                    that it would be me—The Mugger—who
                                    would defeat you.  Now I’ll be the greatest
                                    Super-villain of them all!  Ha-ha!

The Mugger laughs hysterically, turns and is promptly run over by a garbage truck coming up the alley.

EXT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – NIGHT

The bat flies up to a house with a balcony where one of the French doors is open.  The bat flies inside.  As our view moves inside the house we travel past the unfinished edge of the set, revealing 2x4s and a bent nail.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

The bat enters the bedroom and magically transforms back into Dr. Aqula, except that the marionette strings are still attached to his hair and head.  He grimaces as he hastily pulls them off.

A beautiful woman lies asleep in her bed, bathed is glowing moonlight, her long neck looking extremely exposed.  She is CLAUDIA.  Dr. Aqula carefully grabs the edge of the silk sheet and peels it back revealing the beautiful young woman to be naked except for a pair of sheer silk panties.  She is still asleep.

Dr. Aqula turns to us, grins and shrugs his shoulders.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    I may be dead, but this is what I call
                                    living, baby!

He steps toward the young woman, raising his cape and blocking our view.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

A weary-looking Dr. Aqula lets himself in the front door, taking care not to make any noise.  He gets inside, turns and quietly shuts the door.  He turns back around and finds he’s face to face with his wife, the former Bride of Frankenstein, ESTELLE STEIN-AQULA, who is quite attractive in a deceased, monsterish sort of way, wearing a tight black dress, with white streaks rippling through her long wavy hair

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    You’re home early this morning,
                                    it’s still two hours until sunrise.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Estelle, honey, I’m sorry, did I wake
                                    you?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    No, I was hoping you’d get home
                                    before the kids got up.

She approaches Dr. Aqula and snuggles up to him, putting her face against his neck.  She suddenly recoils in disgust.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Fah!  You come home smelling of
                                    another woman?  I thought we came
                                    here to make a new start, but it’s the
                                    same old routine with you.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Sweetheart, it was just hemoglobin.
                                    She meant nothing to me.

Estelle turns away, completely disgusted.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    You’ll never change.  And to think I
                                    gave up my career for you, and I was
                                    going somewhere.  I was going to be
                                    something.
                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    But your last film was 25 years ago.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    I never got offered the right parts.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    That not my fault.

Estelle points into Dr. Aqula’s face.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Oh, yes it is!

Estelle stomps away.  Dr. Aqula stands there looking helpless.
 
                                                                                                                        DISSOLVE:

EXT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – DAY

It’s now daytime at the house with the balcony and an ambulance and several unmarked police cars are parked in front of the house.  A black & white police cruiser pulls up and stops.  On the side it says, “Bad Ax Police.”

Two uniformed cops—ANDY, an older, gray-haired man with a bushy salt and pepper mustache, and BARNEY, a thin, nervous man with big eyes—get out of the car.  Both of them have too many props: batons, flashlights, guns, walkie-talkies, mace, extra bullets, coffee, donuts, more than they can handle.  It’s a veritable explosions of props. 

                                                            BARNEY
                                    How’s your lumbago?

                                                            ANDY
                                    Hurts like hell.  How’re your hemorrhoids?

                                                            BARNEY
                                    They itch like a son of a bitch.

Once they both have all their props in place, they go inside.

INT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – DAY

Andy and Barney step up to the bed where the EMS technicians, CORONER, and the forensic photographer are already standing.  Claudia, the beautiful dead girl, lies on the bed, her skin is blue and waxy.  There are two fangs marks on her neck.  The cops look slowly down her body.  There is a descending row of fang marks going down her neck, across her breasts, down her stomach, then disappearing under her silk panties.

Andy, Barney and the others all exchange concerned looks.  Barney is smitten with the girl’s beauty.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Gosh, she’s really pretty . . . for a
                                    corpse, I mean.

                                                            ANDY
                                    What’s the cause of death, doc?

                                                            CORONER
                                    Blood loss.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    But there’s no blood anywhere.

                                                            CORONER
                                    Including inside of her.

                                                            ANDY
                                                (chuckles)
                                   Jeez, it looks like we’ve got a vampire
                                   on our hands.

                                                            BARNEY
                                                (seriously)
                                   C’mon, Chief, there’s no such thing as
                                   vampires.

                                                            ANDY
                                    Well, of course not.  I mean it’s gotta
                                    be some sicko who just thinks he’s a
                                    vampire.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Right.  I mean, come on, there’s no
                                    such thing as monsters, they don’t
                                    really exist. 
                                                (to himself)
                                    There’s no such thing as monsters,
                                    they don’t really exist . . .      

Barney drifts off into a childhood memory . . .

BARNEY’S FLASHBACK:

INT. BARNEY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – NIGHT

YOUNG BARNEY is six years old and dressed as a little policeman.  He’s standing in the doorway holding a Trick-or-Treat bag.

                                                            YOUNG BARNEY
                                    But I don’t wanna go out, there’s too
                                    many monsters out there.

                                                            FATHER
                                    You bugged us all month for that
                                    costume, now if you’re not going out,
                                    you can go to bed right now, mister.

INT. BARNEY’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM – NIGHT

Little Barney lies in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin, lit by moonlight coming
in through the window. A hideous monster’s face appears at the window, and then
a clawed hand scrapes the glass.

                                                            YOUNG BARNEY
                               Daddy!  Daddy!  Help!

The monster sinks below the window and a few seconds later, Barney’s Father enters.

                                                            FATHER
                                What are you screaming about?

                                                            YOUNG BARNEY
                                There was a monster at the window! 
                                He’s trying to get me.

                                                            FATHER
                                Barney, I am not going to put up with
                                this tonight; there are no such things as
                                monsters.  They don’t exist, right?

                                                            YOUNG BARNEY
                                                (hesitant)
                                 Right.

                                                            FATHER
                                You’re all worked up about Halloween,
                                but I want you to go to sleep now.

Father leaves the room and Barney stares up at the window.  A hand appears, followed by the monster’s head.

                                                            YOUNG BARNEY
                                  No such thing, no such—Daddy!  Help!

The monster lowers out of sight, then Barney’s Father enters the room.

                                                            FATHER
                                  Barney, I’ve had just about enough of
                                  your shenanigans.  Now there are no
                                  monsters and I don’t want to hear another
                                  word out of you tonight, is that clear?

Barney slowly nods his head and his Father closes the door.

EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT

Barney’s Father steps out of the back door into the yard, where he finds Barney’s Mother holding a ladder leading up to Young Barney’s bedroom window and holding a monster mask.  Mother and Father both chuckle, whispering at the same time . . .

                                                            MOTHER
                                    Twelve and a half pounds at birth? 
                                    Oh, yeah, it’s payback time!

The Father takes the mask, climbs the ladder and looks into Barney’s window.  We can hear Young Barney inside.

                                                            YOUNG BARNEY (O.S.)
                                    Daddy!  Daddy!  Help!

Mother looks up and nods, grinning demonically.

                                                            MOTHER
                                    That’ll teach you to wet your bed, you
                                    little son of a bitch!

She gives him the finger.

END FLASHBACK

INT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – DAY

Barney stands there remembering, repeating to himself.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    There’s no such thing as monsters,
                                    there’s no such thing as monsters.

Barney looks up and everyone else is looking at him.  He laughs hollowly.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Remember that song?  It was a good
                                    one.

Barney turns away and wipes his sweaty brow.

                                                                                                                        DISSOLVE:

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN

Dr. Aqula sits at the dining room table with his family: Estelle, his 15-year-old stepson FRANKIE, who is a teenaged Frankenstein monster; and his cute, 16-year-old daughter, BRITTANY, who is a vampire. 

There is a knock at the back door and Estelle answers it.  In the doorway stands a MILKMAN in his white uniform.

                                                            MILKMAN
                                    Good morning, ma’am, you ordered
                                    daily milk delivery?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Yes, I did, come on in.

The Milkman steps inside.  Frankie steps out from behind the door holding a three foot iron pipe, with which he cracks the Milkman over the head.  The Milkman collapses to the floor in a heap. 

Estelle and Frankie drag him to the dining room table, where Dr. Aqula and Brittany are already seated.  They place the Milkman on the table, everybody takes an exposed limb and begins chowing down.  Brittany and the doctor suck the blood, Frankie and Estelle eat the flesh.  Frankie eats like he’s in a hurry.  Brittany pecks at the Milkman’s wrist, then puts it down.  Estelle watches her.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Brittany, will you eat.  You’re so thin
                                    I can see your bones.

                                                            BRITTANY
                                    That’s the style this century, what
                                    am I supposed to do?  I’ve got to fit
                                    in, don’t I?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Fit into what?  A size zero?

Dr. Aqula lowers the wrist from which he’s been sucking and dabs his lips with a napkin.  He glances at Frankie, who is eating the Milkman’s calf very quickly.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Will you slow down.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    It’s the first day of school, I don’t
                                    want to be late.  Besides, you’re not
                                    the boss of me, you’re not even my
                                    father.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    No, but while you’re living under my
                                    roof, you’ll do as I say.
                                                (to Estelle)
                                    You see the way he talks to me.  I get
                                    no respect in my own house.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    I guess he just misses his father . . .

The phone rings and Estelle answers it.  It is a TELEPHONE OPERATOR with a thick Pakistani accent.

                                                            TELEPHONE OPERATOR (O.S.)
                                    Hello, is this the Aqula residence?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Yes, it is.

                                                            TELEPHONE OPERATOR (O.S.)
                                    This is Richard calling from your local
                                    phone service provider, to confirm your
                                    connection has been activated.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Oh, thank you very much.  Yes, it seems
                                    to be working.

                                                            TELEPHONE OPERATOR (O.S.)
                                    Thank you, have the nice day.

Estelle hangs up the phone, and starts to turn away when it rings again.  She picks up.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Hello?

                                                            VOICE  (O.S.)
                                                (heavy breathing)
                                    Unghh…umm…unnghh…

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Who is this?  Frank! You think I wouldn’t
                                    recognize your idiotic growling?  Grow
                                    up!

INT. PHONE BOOTH – DAWN

We see creepy, stitched, black lips speaking into a telephone.  The lips belong to FRANK N. STEIN, who has zigzagging stitches across his forehead and throat, and a bolt through his head.  He stops grunting and freezes, guilty over being identified.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Estelle is both angry and amazed.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    How did you get this number so fast?

There is a click on the line as Frank hangs up.  Estelle shrugs and hangs up.

Estelle sits back down at the table and drifts off in a cloud of her own reveries . . .

ESTELLE’S FLASHBACK (in Black & White):

INT. TENAMENT APARTMENT – NIGHT

Estelle stands at the stove cooking dinner.  In a crib beside her is a little Frankenstein monster baby crying.  He has zig-zagging stitches across his skull and a little bolt through his head.  Estelle glances over at Frank, who is dressed in a torn white tank-top undershirt, and sitting at the dinner table holding a knife and a fork.  Frank speaks in monosyllables.

                                                            FRANK
                                                (aggravated)
                                    You cook too much it defeats own
                                    purpose.  Bring over here.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                                (getting angry)
                                    You want your steak?

                                                            FRANK
                                                (loudly)
                                    Frankenstein need meat!  Bring over
                                    here!

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Here.

She throws the steak at him.  Frank flips the whole table over onto the floor and stands up.

                                                            FRANK
                                                (furious)
                                    Fuckin’ cunt!  Frankenstein fuckin’
                                    kill you!!

Frank stands up and he’s seven feet tall, with the lead boots.  He puts out his arms, starts growling and comes for Estelle.  Estelle wallops him over the head with the cast-iron frying pan, flattening the top of his head.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    You don’t know what a flat head
                                    is, mister!  You’re gonna be shittin’
                                    your deformed brain for a week! 

Frank holds his aching head and howls in pain.  Estelle points in his face.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    I’m leaving you, you hear me?  This
                                    marriage is over, Mr. Frank N. Stein.
                                                (she points at her ass)
                                    You like this?  Well the good thing
                                    is gone!

Estelle grabs the baby and walks out of the apartment.  Frank watches her go, then drops his face into his hands and sobs.  He walks over to the fridge, takes out a pitcher of ice water, steps over to the sink and pours the ice water down the front of his boxer shorts.  Steam comes rising up as Frank gasps.

END FLASHBACK

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN

Back to reality, Estelle sits at the table with her family.  She takes a small bite out of the Milkman’s leg, but she’s lost her appetite.

Meanwhile, Dr. Aqula is reading Variety and getting angry.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Why do Freddy and Jason get all the
                                    press? There’s not a word in here
                                    about me.  What the hell’s wrong
                                    with my stupid agent?

Dr. Aqula grabs the telephone and dials.  The phone rings.

EXT. “ICMM” OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
 
The ICMM office building is ten stories with mirrored windows.  The sign at the top of building says, “I.C.M.M.” and below that it says, “International Creative Monster Management.”

INT. RECEPTION AREA – DAY

In the office’s reception area sit all of the unemployed monsters reading Variety and The Hollywood Reporter.  There is: the Phantom of the Opera, the Invisible Man, the Mummy, baby Godzilla, all of whom are drinking coffee and nervously smoking cigarettes. 

The Creature from the Black Lagoon has his head in the aquarium and comes out with a wiggling fish in his mouth, which he quickly swallows, then acts innocent like he didn’t do anything. 

The Mummy, who is eating a fast-food burrito, holds his growling stomach and frowns.  Suddenly, the Mummy blows a big fart which causes his whole body to collapse in on itself in a puff of ancient dust.

The RECEPTIONIST answers the ringing phone.

                                                            RECEPTIONIST
                                    ICMM, may I help you?

                                                            DR. AQULA (O.S.)
                                    Yes, this is Doctor Aqula calling for
                                    José Goldberg please.

                                                            RECEPTIONIST       
                                    One moment.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN

Dr. Aqula covers the mouthpiece of the phone and says to his wife.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    He’s half Mexican, half Jewish, so
                                    he’s both lazy and cheap.
                                                (into phone)
                                    Listen, Goldberg, why am I always
                                    reading about Freddy and Jason these
                                    days but never about me?  Vampires
                                    are much more frightening than idiots
                                    in hockey masks.  And who is the Pre-
                                    Dator?  Is he some kid who doesn’t
                                    go out with girls yet? 

Estelle points at herself.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                                (whispering)
                                    What about me?

Dr. Aqula waves her off.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Look, do your job and get me some press,
                                    and a gig.  And not another Old Navy ad,
                                    I want something I can sink my fangs into.
                                    Earn your fifteen percent, you schnorrer
                                    Okay, ‘bye.
                                                (he hangs up and turns to Frankie)
                                    Frankie, put the leftovers in the basement,
                                    will you?

Frankie scowls and mutters under his breath, but he drags the Milkman’s body over to the basement door.

INT. BASEMENT OF DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN

The Milkman’s body comes tumbling down the basement stairs like a rag-doll, ending up in a heap at the foot of the steps.  

INT. BACK HALL – DAWN

Frankie closes the basement door and locks it with a little eye-hook lock.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    There, that’ll hold him.

INT. KITCHEN – DAWN

Brittany comes into the kitchen and feeds her old, ratty-looking dog, PATCHES, which has white zombie eyes.  As the dog eats it’s food we see that half of it’s face has rotted off and the food keeps dropping out onto the floor.  Estelle sees this and shakes her head.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Oh, that dog makes a mess wherever
                                    he goes.  Y’know, honey, maybe you
                                    should think about putting Patches back
                                    down.  He was resurrected eleven years
                                    ago, that’s seventy-seven in zombie dog
                                    years.

Brittany looks horrified and hugs Patches.  Patches wags his tail happily.  His tail hits the table leg and the end breaks off.

                                                            BRITTANY
                                    I’ll clean up after him, I swear.

Brittany’s eyes glaze over as she remembers . . .

BRITTANY’S FLASHBACK:

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

Five-year-old LITTLE BRITTANY brings a cute little puppy into a small apartment.

                                                            LITTLE BRITTANY
                                    He followed me home, dad, can I
                                    have him?

A somewhat younger Dr. Aqula says in a fatherly tone.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Of course, dear, just wait until after
                                    supper or you’ll ruin your appetite.

EXT. BACKYARD – DUSK

Little Brittany stands in the backyard at her pet cemetery, where there are several little headstones.  She stands over the marker for “Patches.”

                                                            LITTLE BRITTANY
                                    Patches, I didn’t know you for too
                                    long, but you were a sweet doggie.

She smiles revealing bloody fangs, the blood runs down her chin.  Her tongue comes out and licks it up.

EXT. BACKYARD – NIGHT

Lightning flashes across the night sky illuminating Patches grave.  Suddenly, the dirt starts to move, then a little paw breaks through the dirt and zombie puppy Patches arises from the dead.

Little Brittany watches from her bedroom window, laughing and clapping.

EXT. BACKYARD – DUSK

Little Brittany plays catch with Patches, who now has the white eyes of a zombie.  Brittany throws a handball-sized brain and the puppy fetches it.  Patches barks and we are able to read his thoughts in subtitles.

                                                            PATCHES (subtitle)
                                    Cats brains is the best brains.

Patches stops and begins scratching behind it’s ear.  Our view zooms into the fur behind Patches’ ear.

EXT. BEHIND PATCHES’ EAR

Two FLEAS are living in the dog’s fur, and as we look closer we see that they are zombie fleas with white eyes.  They are eating into the dog’s skull.

                                                            FLEA #1
                                    No, dog brains is the best brains.

                                                            FLEA #2
                                    You said it, brother.

EXT. BACKYARD – DUSK

Patches keeps scratching until his ear falls off.

As the ear falls, the two fleas jump off.

                                                            FLEA #1
                                    Abandon ear!

END FLASHBACK

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ BATHROOM – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula is in the bathroom attempting to shave.  Unfortunately, since he has no reflection in the mirror and can’t see what he’s doing, he keeps cutting himself.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Ow!  Shit! Ow!  Shit!

 

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