| Oct. 24, 2006 The Horribleness Screenplay by: EXT. CHURCH – DAWN The orange streaks of dawn are just beginning to show in the cloudy sky. Our Lady of the Blessed Sacred Bloody Heart of Christ Catholic Church stands out sharply against the early morning light. The sign in front of the church contains the quote, “Jesus tied his ass to a tree, then walked forty miles” – Proverbs 7:11. We hear the breathy, whispered words of a prayer. FATHER PADDY (O.S.) INT. CHURCH/ PRIEST’S ROOM – NIGHT On the wall is a gruesome crucifix, Jesus’ face is twisted into a horrible grimace and FATHER PADDY FATHER PADDY, a Catholic priest in his 40s, is down on his knees on the stone floor fervently praying, his face coated with sweat, his eyes are glazed as they stare upward. He waits a moment, but God does not reply. Father Paddy sighs deeply, wiping his Father Paddy steps over to the bookshelf, reaches behind the books and takes out a bottle of whiskey and a glass. He pours himself a big shot and slams it back, then takes a deep breath, opening his eyes wide. Father Paddy then reaches behind the desk and pulls out a green plastic bong. He puts the bong to his mouth, lights the bowl and the bong gurgles gingerly as Father Paddy gets a big hit of pot. He winces as he holds in the massive hit, almost coughing, but stopping himself. He glances upward. FATHER PADDY Father Paddy waits, but there’s still no reply. He looks utterly miserable as he opens the desk drawer, takes out a mirror with a small pile of cocaine on it, a rolled-up dollar bill, and a razorblade, which he uses to expertly cut lines. In utter anguish he bends down, puts the rolled-up dollar bill to his nostril and snorts the line. INT. CHURCH – DAY Father Paddy preaches his sermon to his sparse congregation. He has white powder on his nostrils and is whacked-out on cocaine (among other things). FATHER PADDY We see that there are eight people in the congregation, and most of them look like homeless vagrants who need a place to sleep. One vagrant tears a page from the hymnal and rolls a cigarette. Another bum has built a fire on the floor and is cooking beans in the can. An older priest in his 60s, the BISHOP, stands at the back of the church and surveys the proceedings with a look of disappointment, sadly shaking his head. EXT. CHURCH – DAY The Bishop and Father Paddy walk in front of the church and talk. BISHOP FATHER PADDY BISHOP FATHER PADDY BISHOP FATHER PADDY The Bishop looks at him blankly, he can’t think of any. BISHOP Father Paddy gets the message and looks very serious. FATHER PADDY BISHOP FATHER PADDY BISHOP FATHER PADDY BISHOP The Bishop pulls out a rolled up copy of the magazine from his sleeve. On the cover is a photograph of a young choirboy in a white robe on a surfboard, hangin’ ten, ridin’ the tube. FATHER PADDY BISHOP They both step up to the door of the priest’s office. On the door is written, “Father Paddy O’Furniture.” EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DUSK This is a huge, creepy, haunted mansion. Lightning cracks across the darkening sky illuminating the gothic monstrosity. The clouds boil ominously through the sky behind the house. A moving truck is parked in front of the house. On the side of the truck it says, “Starving Students Moving Company.” We see thin, ragged, filthy young men and women unloading the truck who are being yelled at by a burly FOREMAN. FOREMAN FRESHMAN The starving students bring a shiny black coffin out of the truck and take it into the house. DISSOLVE: INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT A coffin sits on a pedestal at the center of the stone mausoleum with a beam of moonlight shining in through the skylight illuminating it. The lid of the coffin slowly opens with a loud creak. Inside the coffin lies DR. AQULA, wearing black tuxedo tails, his collar upturned, a pasty white complexion, and his slicked-back hair comes to a widow’s peak. His eyes open. He slowly sits upright. The coffin is precariously balanced on the pedestal, slightly teetering back and forth, making Dr. Aqula a little nervous. Dr. Aqula magically transforms into a bat. However, it’s a cheap marionette bat and we can see the strings. The bat flies out the window. EXT. CITYSCAPE – NIGHT The bat flies over the city. Suddenly, a spotlight hits the bat, illuminating it and creating a round beam of light with a bat silhouette inside it. The voices of PEOPLE are heard from the street below. PEOPLE #1 (O.S.) PEOPLE #2 (O.S.) Dr. Aqula as the bat yells down to them, with a Transylvanian accent. DR. AQULA He tries to fly away, but the beam of light stays on him. EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT Meanwhile, in a dark alley, the real BATMAN (in his 1940s serial costume) has a VILLAIN holding a knife backed up against a wall. Batman turns to look up at the bat-signal in the sky, at which point the villain sticks him in the gut with the knife. Batman winces in horrible pain, grabbing the hilt of the knife. BATMAN Batman collapses in a heap and dies. The villain raises his arms in triumph. VILLIAN The Mugger laughs hysterically, turns and is promptly run over by a garbage truck coming up the alley. EXT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – NIGHT The bat flies up to a house with a balcony where one of the French doors is open. The bat flies inside. As our view moves inside the house we travel past the unfinished edge of the set, revealing 2x4s and a bent nail. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT The bat enters the bedroom and magically transforms back into Dr. Aqula, except that the marionette strings are still attached to his hair and head. He grimaces as he hastily pulls them off. A beautiful woman lies asleep in her bed, bathed is glowing moonlight, her long neck looking extremely exposed. She is CLAUDIA. Dr. Aqula carefully grabs the edge of the silk sheet and peels it back revealing the beautiful young woman to be naked except for a pair of sheer silk panties. She is still asleep. Dr. Aqula turns to us, grins and shrugs his shoulders. DR. AQULA He steps toward the young woman, raising his cape and blocking our view. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT A weary-looking Dr. Aqula lets himself in the front door, taking care not to make any noise. He gets inside, turns and quietly shuts the door. He turns back around and finds he’s face to face with his wife, the former Bride of Frankenstein, ESTELLE STEIN-AQULA, who is quite attractive in a deceased, monsterish sort of way, wearing a tight black dress, with white streaks rippling through her long wavy hair ESTELLE DR. AQULA ESTELLE She approaches Dr. Aqula and snuggles up to him, putting her face against his neck. She suddenly recoils in disgust. ESTELLE DR. AQULA Estelle turns away, completely disgusted. ESTELLE ESTELLE DR. AQULA Estelle points into Dr. Aqula’s face. ESTELLE Estelle stomps away. Dr. Aqula stands there looking helpless. EXT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – DAY It’s now daytime at the house with the balcony and an ambulance and several unmarked police cars are parked in front of the house. A black & white police cruiser pulls up and stops. On the side it says, “Bad Ax Police.” Two uniformed cops—ANDY, an older, gray-haired man with a bushy salt and pepper mustache, and BARNEY, a thin, nervous man with big eyes—get out of the car. Both of them have too many props: batons, flashlights, guns, walkie-talkies, mace, extra bullets, coffee, donuts, more than they can handle. It’s a veritable explosions of props. BARNEY ANDY BARNEY Once they both have all their props in place, they go inside. INT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – DAY Andy and Barney step up to the bed where the EMS technicians, CORONER, and the forensic photographer are already standing. Claudia, the beautiful dead girl, lies on the bed, her skin is blue and waxy. There are two fangs marks on her neck. The cops look slowly down her body. There is a descending row of fang marks going down her neck, across her breasts, down her stomach, then disappearing under her silk panties. Andy, Barney and the others all exchange concerned looks. Barney is smitten with the girl’s beauty. BARNEY ANDY CORONER BARNEY CORONER ANDY BARNEY ANDY BARNEY Barney drifts off into a childhood memory . . . BARNEY’S FLASHBACK: INT. BARNEY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – NIGHT YOUNG BARNEY is six years old and dressed as a little policeman. He’s standing in the doorway holding a Trick-or-Treat bag. YOUNG BARNEY FATHER INT. BARNEY’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM – NIGHT Little Barney lies in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin, lit by moonlight coming YOUNG BARNEY The monster sinks below the window and a few seconds later, Barney’s Father enters. FATHER YOUNG BARNEY FATHER YOUNG BARNEY FATHER Father leaves the room and Barney stares up at the window. A hand appears, followed by the monster’s head. YOUNG BARNEY The monster lowers out of sight, then Barney’s Father enters the room. FATHER Barney slowly nods his head and his Father closes the door. EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT Barney’s Father steps out of the back door into the yard, where he finds Barney’s Mother holding a ladder leading up to Young Barney’s bedroom window and holding a monster mask. Mother and Father both chuckle, whispering at the same time . . . MOTHER The Father takes the mask, climbs the ladder and looks into Barney’s window. We can hear Young Barney inside. YOUNG BARNEY (O.S.) Mother looks up and nods, grinning demonically. MOTHER She gives him the finger. END FLASHBACK INT. HOUSE WITH BALCONY – DAY Barney stands there remembering, repeating to himself. BARNEY Barney looks up and everyone else is looking at him. He laughs hollowly. BARNEY Barney turns away and wipes his sweaty brow. DISSOLVE: INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN Dr. Aqula sits at the dining room table with his family: Estelle, his 15-year-old stepson FRANKIE, who is a teenaged Frankenstein monster; and his cute, 16-year-old daughter, BRITTANY, who is a vampire. There is a knock at the back door and Estelle answers it. In the doorway stands a MILKMAN in his white uniform. MILKMAN ESTELLE The Milkman steps inside. Frankie steps out from behind the door holding a three foot iron pipe, with which he cracks the Milkman over the head. The Milkman collapses to the floor in a heap. Estelle and Frankie drag him to the dining room table, where Dr. Aqula and Brittany are already seated. They place the Milkman on the table, everybody takes an exposed limb and begins chowing down. Brittany and the doctor suck the blood, Frankie and Estelle eat the flesh. Frankie eats like he’s in a hurry. Brittany pecks at the Milkman’s wrist, then puts it down. Estelle watches her. ESTELLE BRITTANY ESTELLE Dr. Aqula lowers the wrist from which he’s been sucking and dabs his lips with a napkin. He glances at Frankie, who is eating the Milkman’s calf very quickly. DR. AQULA FRANKIE DR. AQULA ESTELLE The phone rings and Estelle answers it. It is a TELEPHONE OPERATOR with a thick Pakistani accent. TELEPHONE OPERATOR (O.S.) ESTELLE TELEPHONE OPERATOR (O.S.) ESTELLE TELEPHONE OPERATOR (O.S.) Estelle hangs up the phone, and starts to turn away when it rings again. She picks up. ESTELLE VOICE (O.S.) ESTELLE INT. PHONE BOOTH – DAWN We see creepy, stitched, black lips speaking into a telephone. The lips belong to FRANK N. STEIN, who has zigzagging stitches across his forehead and throat, and a bolt through his head. He stops grunting and freezes, guilty over being identified. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Estelle is both angry and amazed. ESTELLE There is a click on the line as Frank hangs up. Estelle shrugs and hangs up. Estelle sits back down at the table and drifts off in a cloud of her own reveries . . . ESTELLE’S FLASHBACK (in Black & White): INT. TENAMENT APARTMENT – NIGHT Estelle stands at the stove cooking dinner. In a crib beside her is a little Frankenstein monster baby crying. He has zig-zagging stitches across his skull and a little bolt through his head. Estelle glances over at Frank, who is dressed in a torn white tank-top undershirt, and sitting at the dinner table holding a knife and a fork. Frank speaks in monosyllables. FRANK ESTELLE FRANK ESTELLE She throws the steak at him. Frank flips the whole table over onto the floor and stands up. FRANK Frank stands up and he’s seven feet tall, with the lead boots. He puts out his arms, starts growling and comes for Estelle. Estelle wallops him over the head with the cast-iron frying pan, flattening the top of his head. ESTELLE Frank holds his aching head and howls in pain. Estelle points in his face. ESTELLE Estelle grabs the baby and walks out of the apartment. Frank watches her go, then drops his face into his hands and sobs. He walks over to the fridge, takes out a pitcher of ice water, steps over to the sink and pours the ice water down the front of his boxer shorts. Steam comes rising up as Frank gasps. END FLASHBACK INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN Back to reality, Estelle sits at the table with her family. She takes a small bite out of the Milkman’s leg, but she’s lost her appetite. Meanwhile, Dr. Aqula is reading Variety and getting angry. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula grabs the telephone and dials. The phone rings. EXT. “ICMM” OFFICE BUILDING – DAY INT. RECEPTION AREA – DAY In the office’s reception area sit all of the unemployed monsters reading Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. There is: the Phantom of the Opera, the Invisible Man, the Mummy, baby Godzilla, all of whom are drinking coffee and nervously smoking cigarettes. The Creature from the Black Lagoon has his head in the aquarium and comes out with a wiggling fish in his mouth, which he quickly swallows, then acts innocent like he didn’t do anything. The Mummy, who is eating a fast-food burrito, holds his growling stomach and frowns. Suddenly, the Mummy blows a big fart which causes his whole body to collapse in on itself in a puff of ancient dust. The RECEPTIONIST answers the ringing phone. RECEPTIONIST DR. AQULA (O.S.) RECEPTIONIST INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN Dr. Aqula covers the mouthpiece of the phone and says to his wife. DR. AQULA Estelle points at herself. ESTELLE Dr. Aqula waves her off. DR. AQULA Frankie scowls and mutters under his breath, but he drags the Milkman’s body over to the basement door. INT. BASEMENT OF DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAWN The Milkman’s body comes tumbling down the basement stairs like a rag-doll, ending up in a heap at the foot of the steps. INT. BACK HALL – DAWN Frankie closes the basement door and locks it with a little eye-hook lock. FRANKIE INT. KITCHEN – DAWN Brittany comes into the kitchen and feeds her old, ratty-looking dog, PATCHES, which has white zombie eyes. As the dog eats it’s food we see that half of it’s face has rotted off and the food keeps dropping out onto the floor. Estelle sees this and shakes her head. ESTELLE Brittany looks horrified and hugs Patches. Patches wags his tail happily. His tail hits the table leg and the end breaks off. BRITTANY Brittany’s eyes glaze over as she remembers . . . BRITTANY’S FLASHBACK: INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT Five-year-old LITTLE BRITTANY brings a cute little puppy into a small apartment. LITTLE BRITTANY A somewhat younger Dr. Aqula says in a fatherly tone. DR. AQULA EXT. BACKYARD – DUSK Little Brittany stands in the backyard at her pet cemetery, where there are several little headstones. She stands over the marker for “Patches.” LITTLE BRITTANY She smiles revealing bloody fangs, the blood runs down her chin. Her tongue comes out and licks it up. EXT. BACKYARD – NIGHT Lightning flashes across the night sky illuminating Patches grave. Suddenly, the dirt starts to move, then a little paw breaks through the dirt and zombie puppy Patches arises from the dead. Little Brittany watches from her bedroom window, laughing and clapping. EXT. BACKYARD – DUSK Little Brittany plays catch with Patches, who now has the white eyes of a zombie. Brittany throws a handball-sized brain and the puppy fetches it. Patches barks and we are able to read his thoughts in subtitles. PATCHES (subtitle) Patches stops and begins scratching behind it’s ear. Our view zooms into the fur behind Patches’ ear. EXT. BEHIND PATCHES’ EAR Two FLEAS are living in the dog’s fur, and as we look closer we see that they are zombie fleas with white eyes. They are eating into the dog’s skull. FLEA #1 FLEA #2 EXT. BACKYARD – DUSK Patches keeps scratching until his ear falls off. As the ear falls, the two fleas jump off. FLEA #1 END FLASHBACK INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ BATHROOM – NIGHT Dr. Aqula is in the bathroom attempting to shave. Unfortunately, since he has no reflection in the mirror and can’t see what he’s doing, he keeps cutting himself. DR. AQULA
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