INT. CHURCH/ CONFESSIONAL – DAY A TEENAGE GIRL steps into the confessional booth, crosses herself and speaks into the wooden louvers. TEENAGE GIRL Cigarette smoke wafts through the louvers. The girl waves it away from her face. On the other side of the confessional booth Father Paddy puffs on a cigarette and isn’t listening to a word the girl says. He is busy with a plastic bag which he is carefully filling with airplane glue. TEENAGE GIRL The girl leaves the confessional. Father Paddy isn’t paying any attention. He’s busily switching between puffing on the cigarette and inhaling from the bag of glue. Then he goes and gets them confused. INT. CHURCH – DAY The door of the confessional explodes outward in a fireball and shrapnel. Father Paddy stumbles out in a cloud of smoke, blackened and smoldering. He shakes his head dazedly, then blows out a puff of smoke. FATHER PADDY INT. CHURCH/ PRIEST’S ROOM – NIGHT Father Paddy kneels before his pain-wracked crucifix tormented and praying. FATHER PADDY Just like before, nothing. Father Paddy turns away from the crucifix, and just then it begins to glow in a throbbing ethereal green hue, accompanied by angelic music. Father Paddy walks across the room, oblivious to the miracle occurring behind him. Father Paddy makes himself a drink. As he drinks, we see there’s another crucifix on the wall beside him, and on this one Jesus is pointing over toward the first crucifix, the one that’s glowing, with an expression that says, “Look over there” (it’s not animated, it’s a prop). But Father Paddy is too busy drinking to notice. He now crosses the room going the other way, still doesn’t notice the glowing cross, which now has sparklers on it emitting a shower of sparks. Unseeing, Father Paddy goes into the bathroom. INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT Father Paddy sits on the closed toilet drinking his drink. On the wall outside the bathroom we can see the glowing green light and sparklers, some of which are now swirling in circles. Above Father Paddy on the bathroom wall is yet another crucifix, and on this one Jesus is rolling his eyes and slapping his forehead in exasperation (also just a prop). Our view begins to slowly creep into the bathroom toward the priest. FATHER PADDY We see the movie crew reflected in the bathroom mirror: the camera operator, the 1st assistant camera operator, the boom man, the script supervisor wearing cat glasses. FATHER PADDY INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ KITCHEN – NIGHT Dr. Aqula crosses the kitchen holding a frosty beer mug and opens the refrigerator. Inside is a DELIVERYMAN in a uniform hanging upside down, his hands tied, with a beer tap installed in his neck. Dr. Aqula fills his mug with foamy blood. The Deliveryman’s eyes are slowly rolling into the back of his skull. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula takes a big drink of blood. The Deliveryman’s eyes flutter. DELIVERYMAN Dr. Aqula calls out. DR. AQULA DELIVERYMAN Dr. Aqula slams the fridge closed. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM – NIGHT Dr. Aqula enters the living room holding his mug of blood. He sits down on the couch next to Estelle, who is watching TV. DR. AQULA ESTELLE INT. KID’S ROOM – NIGHT We see a TV set which is flickering blue static light into the room, and there are four eyeballs glued right to the screen. The two kids sit there with their optic nerves hanging out of their exposed eye sockets, and both of them eat junk food while staring eyeless at the TV set. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM – NIGHT Dr. Aqula and Estelle are sitting on the couch watching TV. We can hear the dialog, but can’t see the TV screen. SCARLETT (from the TV) DR. AQULA ESTELLE DR. AQULA Estelle turns, looks at him and uses her most accusing tone. ESTELLE Dr. Aqula winces, that hurt. DR. AQULA ESTELLE DR. AQULA Estelle flashes her scariest look at him. Dr. Aqula recoils in horror. Just then the telephone rings and Dr. Aqula answers it. DR. AQULA INT. PHONE BOOTH – NIGHT Frank Stein is in the phone booth inhumanly growling into the phone, but he cleverly has a handkerchief covering the mouthpiece disguising his voice FRANK INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Dr. Aqula hollers into the telephone. DR. AQULA He slams down the phone. INT. PHONE BOOTH – NIGHT Frank stands there in the phone booth grinning, then hangs up the receiver. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ HALLWAY – NIGHT Dr. Aqula steps up to the bathroom door, turns the knob and finds it locked. He shakes the door. DR. AQULA We hear the voice of Frankie through the door. FRANKIE (O.S.) DR. AQULA FRANKIE (O.S.) INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT Frankie sits on the toilet. He has a Fangoria Magazine in one hand (there’s a girl with a meat cleaver embedded in her head on the cover), and meanwhile he’s got the top of his head screwed off and is fondling his exposed brain. His tongue hangs out and he pants and drools. Estelle sits in the rec room watching a movie projected on the wall from a chattering 16mm projector. She smokes a cigarette as she intently watches the movie. The movie is Evil Dead and incredibly it’s her in the movie (because it will be Ellen Sandweiss from Evil Dead playing the part), when she was 25 years younger. Estelle’s eyes widen as she angrily blows out a stream of smoke into the projector beam. ESTELLE INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT A little triangular door opens under the staircase opens. Inside sits ERIC VON SANDSTORM (who will hopefully be played by Sam Raimi). A subtitle reads: “Eric Von Sandstorm, famed 70s horror director.” He is wearing jodhpurs, black boots and a black tie. He holds a squirming cockroach in his hand, which he quickly eats. He climbs out of the tiny room and walks up the hall. INT. REC ROOM – NIGHT Eric enters the rec room and snaps his heels. He speaks with a thick German accent. ESTELLE Estelle stands up, ready for her close-up. ERIC His tie gets caught in gears of the projector, pulling his face into the mechanism. He becomes horrified watching this turn of events progress. ERIC But alas his face is pulled into the gears. As his nose is pulled into the film gate, the projected image becomes a microscopic view of blood cells. Both he and the projector topple to the floor with a crash. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Dr. Aqula looks around, steps up to Estelle and asks. DR. AQULA ESTELLE INT. FRANKIE’S ROOM – NIGHT Frankie is stuck in the middle of a huge spider web. Brittany has a slingshot and fires a square slice of pink meat at Frankie that sticks to his forehead. Frankie peels it off. BRITTANY Brittany turns and leaves, slamming the door behind her. Meanwhile, Frankie’s eyes go misty as he remembers when he was younger . . . FRANKIE’S FLASHBACK: EXT. BACKYARD – DAY LITTLE FRANKIE is twelve and is in the backyard with his dad, Frank, Sr. Frank, Sr. is showing Frankie how to tear a human being apart and eviscerate them, pulling their guts out with both hands. The Father looks to his son. FRANK, SR. Frankie puts his hands in his pockets and shakes his head. FRANKIE Frank, Sr. rises up to his full seven foot height, furious. FRANK, SR. Estelle steps between father and son. ESTELLE Little Frankie freaks out, dropping to his knees and shrieking. FRANKIE END FLASHBACK INT. CHURCH/ PRIEST’S ROOM – DAY Father Paddy is sitting in his room reading a book. We see that the book is “The Idiot’s Guide to Proselytizing and Pestering.” Father Paddy leans down and snorts a line of coke. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY Father Paddy approaches a house in a suburban neighborhood. He knocks on the door. The door is answered by Hindus in saris. Father Paddy knocks on another door. It is answered by robed Buddhists with shaved heads. Father Paddy knocks on another door. It is answered by Muslim women in burkahs, who immediately begin to ululate at him. Father Paddy steps up to the front door of the big, creepy house, just as the sun is setting. Above the doorbell is written, “Dr. A. Aqula.” Just as the priest is about to push the doorbell the door flies open, startling him. There in the doorway stands Estelle. She sees the priest and bares her teeth, hissing like a cat, and raising her clawed hands. Father Paddy recoils, taking a step back, raising his crucifix and gasping. FATHER PADDY ESTELLE FATHER PADDY ESTELLE Father Paddy puts out his hand and Estelle shakes it while barely touching him. FATHER PADDY ESTELLE Father Paddy looks totally blank. FATHER PADDY ESTELLE Father Paddy and Estelle step inside. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Father Paddy and Estelle cross the large foyer and talk. FATHER PADDY ESTELLE FATHER PADDY ESTELLE Just then Dr. Aqula appears at the top of the wide staircase with his hair sticking straight up like he’s just been awakened. He has his face covered by his cape, which he slowly lowers while speaking in an ominous tone. DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula walks slowly down the grand staircase. His foot just misses a roller-skate, then just misses a baseball, then just misses some marbles . . . FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY Dr. Aqula is taken aback. He bends down to scratch his leg and causes his cape to get caught under his foot and trip him. DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY Dr. Aqula is embarrassed. DR. AQULA Father Paddy scratches his chin and narrows his eyes. FATHER PADDY Dr. Aqula looks utterly horrified. DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA Estelle cuts in. ESTELLE DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA Just then Father Paddy cuts his finger on a knick-knack on the table. Dr. Aqula’s eyes light up and he begins salivating excessively. He grabs the priest’s hand and sucks his finger. Father Paddy turns to Estelle. FATHER PADDY The priest takes his finger back, wiping it on his pant leg. DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY DR. AQULA FATHER PADDY Suddenly, they all hear a low guttural growling coming from outside. They slowly turn, look through the front window and see a tall figure lurking in the shrubs. Father Paddy is slightly horrified. FATHER PADDY Estelle and Dr. Aqula both shrug helplessly. ESTELLE Estelle goes to the fireplace, reaches in and takes out a long thin log that’s burning on the end, much like a torch. She opens the front door and goes outside. The priest and the doctor watch through the window as Estelle approaches the tall dark figure with the burning torch extended out in front of her. The tall dark figure is in fact Frank Stein. Estelle, his first wife, sticks the burning torch into Frank’s face. Frank shrieks and hollers, blocking his face and backing off into the shrubbery. ESTELLE Frank runs away. Estelle throws the burning log after him. ESTELLE Dr. Aqula nudges Father Paddy with his elbow. Father Paddy nods knowingly. FATHER PADDY Father Paddy grimaces, he actually knows nothing about women. EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Frankenstein is hiding behind a tree, staring sadly at Dr. Aqula’s house. FRANK His eyes grow misty as he remembers . . . FRANK’S FLASHBACK: INT. LABORATORY – NIGHT We’re in a laboratory. On a table sits a glass jar containing a human brain and it’s marked, “Abnormal.” The abnormal brain floats happily in sea of formaldehyde, blowing bubbles. FRANK (O.S.) END FLASHBACK EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Frank smiles nostalgically, then snaps back from his reverie as the front door of the house opens. Frank ducks behind a tree. Father Paddy leaves the haunted mansion and lightning flashes across the sky with a crackling boom. Father Paddy looks seriously concerned, biting on his fist. FATHER PADDY The priest hears a wolf howl in the distance, makes the sign of the cross and walks quickly away from the house. The black shiny coffin reposes on its pedestal at the center of the mausoleum with a beam of moonlight spotlighting it. Our view moves up to the coffin, then inside of it . . . INT. COFFIN – NIGHT Dr. Aqula is asleep inside his coffin. He is in an intense REM dream state, his face twitching, his closed eyes scrunching up. DR. AQULA’S DREAM: INT. CAR – DAY Dr. Aqula sits in a car behind the wheel, stuck in a traffic jam. No cars are moving. Dr. Aqula looks around and sees that there are rotting skeletons at the wheels of all of the other unmoving cars. Some cars also have rotting skeleton children, and pets. Several rotting skeletons turn and look at Dr. Aqula. Meanwhile, he looks down at the car radio, which is playing “The Monster Mash.” Dr. Aqula tries to change the channel, but it’s playing on every station. He tries to turn it off, or at least down, but no luck. DR. AQULA His words come out sounding like he’s underwater or something. Then his car begins to fill with smoke. And there’s no door handle or door lock—he’s stuck inside. Dr. Aqula pounds on the windows, but no one can hear him, nor does anyone care. EXT. SKY – DAY Miraculously, Dr. Aqula is suddenly flying through the white puffy clouds and the blue sky, his cape outstretched like wings. As he soars he smiles happily. EXT. MONSTROPOLIS – DAY Dr. Aqula flies toward an enormous city with many high-rise buildings. A big sign at the edge of the city says, “Monstropolis City Limits – A place where monsters, and all forms of monstrosities, are free to express their hideousness as they please.” Dr. Aqula sees the city and smiles. DR. AQULA Monstropolis is a teeming city populated by thousands and thousands of skeletons, all marching this way and that up the sidewalks, holding briefcases, wearing hats, fighting traffic. There are skeleton traffic cops, zombie street cleaners, monsters rushing in all directions. Flocks of bats fly above the traffic, stopping for red lights, then proceeding through intersections. SKELETON #1 SKELETON #2 Dr. Aqula flies through the center of town. He passes a large department store with a sign that reads: “MONSTER SALE – MONSTERS 2 FOR A $1.” He flies past a skyscraper that has written on it: “Monstropolis Today –All the news a monster can use.” A lighted headline goes past, “Tsunami kills 150,000 people, 17 monsters missing.” DR. AQULA A billboard advertises: “Mothra Airlines – Fly a giant moth to all destinations.” He flies past the Monster Bowl Stadium, the sign out front says: “NY GIANTS vs. Dr. Aqula looks down and sees “Ripper’s Believe It or Don’t Museum of Human Normalcies.” In the window is an average American family, mom, dad, kid, all eating breakfast. Looking through the window is a SKELETOM MOM and a SKELETON KID, who gasps in horror. SKELETON KID Dr. Aqula flies past a big church, the sign reading, “THE FIRST CHURCH OF GOD-zilla.” Our view moves in through the window . . . INT. CHURCH – DAY At the dais is a guy in a rubber Godzilla suit. All of the parishioners are Japanese and singing a hymn in high-pitched voices. A subtitle reads: Our Godzilla, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. EXT. SKY – DAY Dr. Aqula flies past an elementary school and can hear the kids inside reciting “The Pledge of Allegiance.” KIDS As Dr. Aqula flies past the schoolroom window, he sees 25 books floating in the air—the class is in fact invisible! He passes a sign that says, “Devil’s Playground,” and then he sees a basketball court where a team of skeletons is shooting hoops against a team of red-suited devils, and they’re playing with a fireball. Dr. Aqula flies past a strip club, the neon sign on the roof says, “Satan’s Hideaway – Dead Female Entertainment – DEAD NUDE GIRLS! ALL DEAD!! ALL NUDE!!” Dr. Aqula flies past a multiplex movie theater, and on the marquee is: Horror Triple Feature: Rosemary’s Baby II: The Reborning; Aliens & Terminators: Almost Out of Ideas; The Stepfather III: Garnishing the Wages of Fear. A SKELETON PEDESTRIAN with a shock of red hair on his skull waves up at Dr. Aqula as he flies over. SKELETON PEDESTRIAN DR. AQULA As he flies past a hospital he looks inside through a window and sees a skeleton doctor pounding on a skeleton patient’s chest, but it’s no use. The SKELETON DOCTOR hangs his head in shame, while another skeleton doctor pats him on the shoulder. SKELETON DOCTOR #1 SKELETON DOCTOR #2 |
BECKERFILMS
SITE MENU
[
Main ] [ Film
& TV Work ] [ Screenplays
] [
Old Stuff ]
[ Reviews ]
[ Articles, Essays & Stories
] [
Ask the Director ]
[ Favorite Films ]
[ Scrapbook ]
[ Links (& Afterword)
] [ Web
Team ]
