INT. CHURCH/ CONFESSIONAL – DAY

A TEENAGE GIRL steps into the confessional booth, crosses herself and speaks into the wooden louvers.

                                                            TEENAGE GIRL
                                    Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Cigarette smoke wafts through the louvers.  The girl waves it away from her face.

On the other side of the confessional booth Father Paddy puffs on a cigarette and isn’t listening to a word the girl says.  He is busy with a plastic bag which he is carefully filling with airplane glue.

                                                            TEENAGE GIRL
                                    Let’s see, I have taken the Lord’s name
                                    in vain several times, uh, I’ve had impure
                                    thoughts.  I actually thought about French
                                    kissing with a boy—
                                                (Father Paddy inhales
                                                 the glue and gasps)
                                    —I know, father it’s awful.  I should
                                    be ashamed of myself, right?  Touching
                                    tongues is the grossest of all things,
                                    right?
                                                (Father Paddy hits his
                                                 cigarette and coughs)
                                    Well, I am ashamed of myself and I’ll
                                    never do it again.  If he tries that again,
                                    I’ll just go down on him, okay?
                                                (Father Paddy sighs)
                                    Thank you for the good advice, father. 
                                    I’ll say ten Hail Marys.

The girl leaves the confessional.

Father Paddy isn’t paying any attention.  He’s busily switching between puffing on the cigarette and inhaling from the bag of glue.  Then he goes and gets them confused.

INT. CHURCH – DAY

The door of the confessional explodes outward in a fireball and shrapnel.  Father Paddy stumbles out in a cloud of smoke, blackened and smoldering.  He shakes his head dazedly, then blows out a puff of smoke.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Amen.

INT. CHURCH/ PRIEST’S ROOM – NIGHT

Father Paddy kneels before his pain-wracked crucifix tormented and praying.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Oh, father, please give me a sign.  Show
                                    me a way to prove my faith and devotion.
                                    I beg of you.  Something, anything.

Just like before, nothing.  Father Paddy turns away from the crucifix, and just then it begins to glow in a throbbing ethereal green hue, accompanied by angelic music.  Father Paddy walks across the room, oblivious to the miracle occurring behind him. 

Father Paddy makes himself a drink.  As he drinks, we see there’s another crucifix on the wall beside him, and on this one Jesus is pointing over toward the first crucifix, the one that’s glowing, with an expression that says, “Look over there” (it’s not animated, it’s a prop).  But Father Paddy is too busy drinking to notice.  He now crosses the room going the other way, still doesn’t notice the glowing cross, which now has sparklers on it emitting a shower of sparks.  Unseeing, Father Paddy goes into the bathroom.

INT.  BATHROOM – NIGHT

Father Paddy sits on the closed toilet drinking his drink.  On the wall outside the bathroom we can see the glowing green light and sparklers, some of which are now swirling in circles.  Above Father Paddy on the bathroom wall is yet another crucifix, and on this one Jesus is rolling his eyes and slapping his forehead in exasperation (also just a prop).

Our view begins to slowly creep into the bathroom toward the priest.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    And why must I be so eternally alone?  All
                                    by myself.  No one else ever around . . .

We see the movie crew reflected in the bathroom mirror: the camera operator, the 1st assistant camera operator, the boom man, the script supervisor wearing cat glasses.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Deeply, severely alone.  No one in the
                                    history of loneliness has ever been this
                                    alone.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ KITCHEN – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula crosses the kitchen holding a frosty beer mug and opens the refrigerator.  Inside is a DELIVERYMAN in a uniform hanging upside down, his hands tied, with a beer tap installed in his neck.  Dr. Aqula fills his mug with foamy blood.  The Deliveryman’s eyes are slowly rolling into the back of his skull.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (smiling)
                                    Ah, there’s nothing like a big frothy
                                    mug of blood.  Mmmmm.

Dr. Aqula takes a big drink of blood.  The Deliveryman’s eyes flutter.

                                                            DELIVERYMAN
                                                (whispering)
                                    Lightheaded, getting very lightheaded.

Dr. Aqula calls out.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Anyone else for a big mug of blood?
                                    We’ve got plenty.

                                                            DELIVERYMAN
                                                (whispering)
                                    Getting cold.  So cold.

Dr. Aqula slams the fridge closed.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula enters the living room holding his mug of blood.  He sits down on the couch next to Estelle, who is watching TV.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Where are the children?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Oh, they’re up there with their eyeballs
                                    glued to the TV set.

INT. KID’S ROOM – NIGHT

We see a TV set which is flickering blue static light into the room, and there are four eyeballs glued right to the screen.

The two kids sit there with their optic nerves hanging out of their exposed eye sockets, and both of them eat junk food while staring eyeless at the TV set.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula and Estelle are sitting on the couch watching TV.  We can hear the dialog, but can’t see the TV screen.

                                                            SCARLETT (from the TV)
                                    Oh, Rhett, what will I do without you?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Bite her . . .  Bite her!  Why doesn’t he
                                    bite her already?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Because this is a romance.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Biting isn’t romantic?

Estelle turns, looks at him and uses her most accusing tone.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    How would I know anything about
                                    romance, I’m married to you.

Dr. Aqula winces, that hurt.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Ooooh!  Look, you knew right from
                                    the start when you answered the ad
                                    at SingleMonsters.com that I worked
                                    nights.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Yes, but when you go out at night you
                                    seem to be playing instead of working.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Well, one ought to have as much fun as
                                    possible doing one’s job, no?

Estelle flashes her scariest look at him.  Dr. Aqula recoils in horror.

Just then the telephone rings and Dr. Aqula answers it.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Hello?
                                                (he hears inhuman growling)
                                    Who is this?

INT. PHONE BOOTH – NIGHT

Frank Stein is in the phone booth inhumanly growling into the phone, but he cleverly has a handkerchief covering the mouthpiece disguising his voice

                                                            FRANK
                                    Aarrrggghhhh . . .

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula hollers into the telephone.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Who the hell is this??!!  Leave us
                                    alone!!  Why won’t you leave us
                                    alone?

He slams down the phone.

INT. PHONE BOOTH – NIGHT

Frank stands there in the phone booth grinning, then hangs up the receiver. 

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ HALLWAY – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula steps up to the bathroom door, turns the knob and finds it locked.  He shakes the door.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Frankie, are you in there?

We hear the voice of Frankie through the door.

                                                            FRANKIE (O.S.)
                                    I’m busy.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Goddamn it, are you playing with
                                    yourself again?

                                                            FRANKIE (O.S.)
                                    No, leave me alone.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Frankie sits on the toilet.  He has a Fangoria Magazine in one hand (there’s a girl with a meat cleaver embedded in her head on the cover), and meanwhile he’s got the top of his head screwed off and is fondling his exposed brain.  His tongue hangs out and he pants and drools.

                                   
INT. REC ROOM – NIGHT

Estelle sits in the rec room watching a movie projected on the wall from a chattering 16mm projector.  She smokes a cigarette as she intently watches the movie.  The movie is Evil Dead and incredibly it’s her in the movie (because it will be Ellen Sandweiss from Evil Dead playing the part), when she was 25 years younger.  Estelle’s eyes widen as she angrily blows out a stream of smoke into the projector beam.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Monsters had faces then!
                                                (she stands up into
                                                 the beam of light)
                                    I could’ve been something, a star.
                                    An icon.  But I’ll still be big!
                                                (she turns and yells)
                                    Eric!  Get the car!

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

A little triangular door opens under the staircase opens.  Inside sits ERIC VON SANDSTORM (who will hopefully be played by Sam Raimi).  A subtitle reads: “Eric Von Sandstorm, famed 70s horror director.”  He is wearing jodhpurs, black boots and a black tie.  He holds a squirming cockroach in his hand, which he quickly eats.  He climbs out of the tiny room and walks up the hall.

INT. REC ROOM – NIGHT

Eric enters the rec room and snaps his heels.  He speaks with a thick German accent.
 
                                                            ERIC
                                    Yes, ma’am.  Ze car is varming up.
                                    Are you ready for your cloze-up?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Yes, Mr. Von Sandstorm, I am.

Estelle stands up, ready for her close-up.

                                                            ERIC
                                    Let me chust turn off zis projector,
                                    first.  Now where is zat button?

His tie gets caught in gears of the projector, pulling his face into the mechanism.  He becomes horrified watching this turn of events progress.

                                                            ERIC
                                    Dear Gott und Himmel!

But alas his face is pulled into the gears.  As his nose is pulled into the film gate, the projected image becomes a microscopic view of blood cells.  Both he and the projector topple to the floor with a crash.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula looks around, steps up to Estelle and asks.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Where are the kids?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Oh, they’re up there fooling around on
                                    the web.                                 

INT. FRANKIE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Frankie is stuck in the middle of a huge spider web.  Brittany has a slingshot and fires a square slice of pink meat at Frankie that sticks to his forehead.  Frankie peels it off.
 
                                                            FRANKIE
                                    Oh, shit, it’s Spam.

                                                            BRITTANY
                                    This game’s stupid, I hate it.

Brittany turns and leaves, slamming the door behind her.

Meanwhile, Frankie’s eyes go misty as he remembers when he was younger . . .

FRANKIE’S FLASHBACK:

EXT. BACKYARD – DAY

LITTLE FRANKIE is twelve and is in the backyard with his dad, Frank, Sr.  Frank, Sr. is showing Frankie how to tear a human being apart and eviscerate them, pulling their guts out with both hands.  The Father looks to his son.

                                                            FRANK, SR.
                                    Now you try.

Frankie puts his hands in his pockets and shakes his head.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    That’s your thing, man, not mine.  I’m
                                    into a whole different bag.

Frank, Sr. rises up to his full seven foot height, furious.

                                                            FRANK, SR.
                                    Not your thing?  This what we do. 
                                    We monsters.  We kill.  Now you try. 
                                    Frankenstein not asking, Frankenstein
                                    telling!

Estelle steps between father and son.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Oh, Frank, leave him alone!  Maybe
                                    he’s more sensitive than you and has
                                    other interests.  Like ballet, perhaps.
                                    Or knitting doilies.

Little Frankie freaks out, dropping to his knees and shrieking.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                                (screaming)                 
                                    You’re tearin’ me apart!

END FLASHBACK

INT. CHURCH/ PRIEST’S ROOM – DAY

Father Paddy is sitting in his room reading a book.  We see that the book is “The Idiot’s Guide to Proselytizing and Pestering.”  Father Paddy leans down and snorts a line of coke.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Father Paddy approaches a house in a suburban neighborhood.  He knocks on the door.  The door is answered by Hindus in saris.

Father Paddy knocks on another door.  It is answered by robed Buddhists with shaved heads.

Father Paddy knocks on another door.  It is answered by Muslim women in burkahs, who immediately begin to ululate at him.

   
EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DUSK

Father Paddy steps up to the front door of the big, creepy house, just as the sun is setting.  Above the doorbell is written, “Dr. A. Aqula.”  Just as the priest is about to push the doorbell the door flies open, startling him.

There in the doorway stands Estelle.  She sees the priest and bares her teeth, hissing like a cat, and raising her clawed hands.  Father Paddy recoils, taking a step back, raising his crucifix and gasping.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Dear almighty God in heaven, why did
                                    you do that?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                                (smiles)
                                    Do what?  That’s how I greet everyone.
                                    So, what can I do for you, uh, “padre”?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    I just wanted to welcome you to the
                                    neighborhood.  May I come in?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    We’re just moving in so everything’s
                                    a mess, but sure, what the hell, right?

Father Paddy puts out his hand and Estelle shakes it while barely touching him.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    I’m Father Paddy O’Furniture.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                                (smiles)
                                    You must be nice to have around at a
                                    backyard barbeque.
                                                (laughs)
                                    But you must get a lot of that.

Father Paddy looks totally blank.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    A lot of what? 

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Never mind.  I’m Estelle Stein-Aqula.

Father Paddy and Estelle step inside.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Father Paddy and Estelle cross the large foyer and talk.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    So, have you got any children?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Yes, two, a boy and a girl.  Teenagers.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Children are a blessing.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    You haven’t met my kids.  Actually,
                                    only one of the little monsters is mine,
                                    the other was a cruel joke I inherited
                                    when I remarried.

Just then Dr. Aqula appears at the top of the wide staircase with his hair sticking straight up like he’s just been awakened.  He has his face covered by his cape, which he slowly lowers while speaking in an ominous tone.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Why have you woken me from my
                                    thousand-year sleep?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    But didn’t you just move in this
                                    week?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (shakes his head)
                                    Of course, you see how dopey I am. 
                                    I meant, why have you woken me
                                    from my little nap?

Dr. Aqula walks slowly down the grand staircase.  His foot just misses a roller-skate, then just misses a baseball, then just misses some marbles . . .

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Well, I’d like to welcome you to the
                                    neighborhood.  I’m Father Paddy
                                    O’Furniture.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    I’m Doctor Aqula.  Nice to meet you.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    I was just wondering if you happen to
                                    be religious?

Dr. Aqula is taken aback.  He bends down to scratch his leg and causes his cape to get caught under his foot and trip him.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Whoa, look out.  Well, yes, I am, sort
                                    of, in my own personal way.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Are you Catholic by any chance?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (laughs derisively)
                                    Don’t be absurd, those Johnny-come-
                                    latelies.  Don’t tell me you have anything
                                    to do with them?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    I’m a Catholic priest.

Dr. Aqula is embarrassed.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Right.  Very pretty services, with the
                                    hats, and the incense, and the little
                                    cookies.

Father Paddy scratches his chin and narrows his eyes.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    You know, Dr. Aqula sounds a lot like
                                    Dracula.

Dr. Aqula looks utterly horrified.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    What?  It does not.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Well, yeah, it sort of does.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    That’s absurd.  You’re imagining things.
                                    Dr. Aqula doesn’t sound a thing like
                                    Dracula, whoever that may be.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    So, what does the A stand for?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    A?  What A?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    It says, Dr. A. Aqula on the door.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Really?  Well, yes, that A.  Uh, Alfred. 
                                    No, wait, Andrew.  No, no, definitely
                                    Alfred.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Well, what should I call you then?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Andy or Al, either one.  Or doctor, of
                                    course.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    What kind of doctor are you?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Me?  I’m a herpetologist. 

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Really?  You study snakes?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    No, blood.

Estelle cuts in.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    He means a hematologist?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (annoyed)
                                    That’s what I said.  I’m a hematologist.
                                    Pay attention.  So, you know about the
                                    blood?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Let’s see, it’s red and it fills our bodies,
                                    right?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Yes, isn’t it wonderful?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Of course, it’s God’s will.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Right, whatever you say.  I mean,
                                    however the hell it got there, it’s a
                                    good thing.

Just then Father Paddy cuts his finger on a knick-knack on the table.  Dr. Aqula’s eyes light up and he begins salivating excessively.  He grabs the priest’s hand and sucks his finger.  Father Paddy turns to Estelle.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    What’s he doing?
                                   
                                                            ESTELLE
                                                (lying)
                                    It’s an old Romanian custom.  When
                                    you first meet someone and they begin
                                    to bleed, as they so often do, you suck
                                    their blood as a sign of friendship and
                                    gratitude.
                                                (she laughs)
                                    The Greeks spit on each other, you
                                    know.

The priest takes his finger back, wiping it on his pant leg.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    You’ll excuse me, but being a herpetologist
                                    and all, the sight of blood arouses me.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Of course.  So, what religion are you?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    You still on this religion thing? 
                                                (stuck)
                                    Uh, let’s see, Eastern Ecumenical
                                    Orthodox Fundamentalist Church of
                                    Carpathia.  I don’t suppose you have
                                    one of those here in Bad Ax, do
                                    you?
                       
                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                                (thinks, shakes his head)
                                    I don’t think so.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    That Goddamn realtor didn’t tell us
                                    one thing that was true.  I’ll bet we
                                    don’t have central air, either.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    So, I notice you have an accent?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (surprised)
                                    Really?  I thought I’d lost most of it. 
                                    Huh.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    So, where are you from?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    I’m from Romania.  That’s how I have
                                    old Romanian customs.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                                (nods)
                                    Ah, yes.  That’s right near Bolivia,
                                    right?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (incredulous)
                                    No.  It’s nowhere near Bolivia.  Don’t
                                    they teach you geography here in
                                    America?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Oh, sure, I know all about rocks and
                                    minerals and that kind of stuff.

Suddenly, they all hear a low guttural growling coming from outside.  They slowly turn, look through the front window and see a tall figure lurking in the shrubs.  Father Paddy is slightly horrified.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    What, I mean, who is that?

Estelle and Dr. Aqula both shrug helplessly.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                                (to her husband)
                                    It sure didn’t take him long to find us
                                    here, did it?
                                                (to Father Paddy)
                                    That’s my first husband, Frank Stein. 
                                    There’s something wrong with him
                                    in the head, like his brain was put in
                                    backwards or something.  Well, not
                                    “like,” it was put in backward.  Literally.
                                    I’m not kidding.  Backward.  You’ll
                                    pardon me.

Estelle goes to the fireplace, reaches in and takes out a long thin log that’s burning on the end, much like a torch.  She opens the front door and goes outside.  The priest and the doctor watch through the window as Estelle approaches the tall dark figure with the burning torch extended out in front of her.

The tall dark figure is in fact Frank Stein.  Estelle, his first wife, sticks the burning torch into Frank’s face.  Frank shrieks and hollers, blocking his face and backing off into the shrubbery.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Hazar!  Try paying child support
                                    just once to see what it’s like!  And
                                    meanwhile your son never thinks
                                    about you unless he’s having a
                                    nightmare.

Frank runs away.  Estelle throws the burning log after him.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    And stay lost, schmuck

Dr. Aqula nudges Father Paddy with his elbow.
                                                           
                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Women, they’re real tigers, you know
                                    what I mean?

Father Paddy nods knowingly. 

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Yeah, sure.  Dames.  Hubba-hubba.

Father Paddy grimaces, he actually knows nothing about women.

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Frankenstein is hiding behind a tree, staring sadly at Dr. Aqula’s house. 

                                                            FRANK
                                    Frankenstein go to happy place.
                                    Remember good times . . .

His eyes grow misty as he remembers . . .

FRANK’S FLASHBACK:

INT. LABORATORY – NIGHT

We’re in a laboratory.  On a table sits a glass jar containing a human brain and it’s marked, “Abnormal.”  The abnormal brain floats happily in sea of formaldehyde, blowing bubbles. 

                                                            FRANK (O.S.)
                                                (sighs)
                                    Ah, good old days.

END FLASHBACK

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Frank smiles nostalgically, then snaps back from his reverie as the front door of the house opens.  Frank ducks behind a tree.

Father Paddy leaves the haunted mansion and lightning flashes across the sky with a crackling boom.  Father Paddy looks seriously concerned, biting on his fist.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    This is a sign.  I knew you had a special
                                    purpose for me, Lord. Thou shalt not
                                    bear a witch in thy presence.  It must be
                                    cast out.

The priest hears a wolf howl in the distance, makes the sign of the cross and walks quickly away from the house. 
 
INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT

The black shiny coffin reposes on its pedestal at the center of the mausoleum with a beam of moonlight spotlighting it.  Our view moves up to the coffin, then inside of it . . .

INT. COFFIN – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula is asleep inside his coffin.  He is in an intense REM dream state, his face twitching, his closed eyes scrunching up.

DR. AQULA’S DREAM:

INT. CAR – DAY

Dr. Aqula sits in a car behind the wheel, stuck in a traffic jam.   No cars are moving.  Dr. Aqula looks around and sees that there are rotting skeletons at the wheels of all of the other unmoving cars.  Some cars also have rotting skeleton children, and pets.  Several rotting skeletons turn and look at Dr. Aqula. 

Meanwhile, he looks down at the car radio, which is playing “The Monster Mash.”  Dr. Aqula tries to change the channel, but it’s playing on every station.  He tries to turn it off, or at least down, but no luck.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    I hate this song.  They don’t mean Boris,
                                    they mean Bela.

His words come out sounding like he’s underwater or something.  Then his car begins to fill with smoke.  And there’s no door handle or door lock—he’s stuck inside.  Dr. Aqula pounds on the windows, but no one can hear him, nor does anyone care.

EXT. SKY – DAY

Miraculously, Dr. Aqula is suddenly flying through the white puffy clouds and the blue sky, his cape outstretched like wings.  As he soars he smiles happily.

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS – DAY

Dr. Aqula flies toward an enormous city with many high-rise buildings.  A big sign at the edge of the city says, “Monstropolis City Limits – A place where monsters, and all forms of monstrosities, are free to express their hideousness as they please.”

Dr. Aqula sees the city and smiles.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Ah, Monstropolis.  My favorite place
                                    in the universe.

Monstropolis is a teeming city populated by thousands and thousands of skeletons, all marching this way and that up the sidewalks, holding briefcases, wearing hats, fighting traffic.  There are skeleton traffic cops, zombie street cleaners, monsters rushing in all directions.  Flocks of bats fly above the traffic, stopping for red lights, then proceeding through intersections.

                                                            SKELETON #1
                                    Good God, I feel dead today.

                                                            SKELETON #2
                                    Oh, move your bony ass, will ya.

Dr. Aqula flies through the center of town.  He passes a large department store with a sign that reads: “MONSTER SALE – MONSTERS 2 FOR A $1.”

He flies past a skyscraper that has written on it: “Monstropolis Today –All the news a monster can use.”  A lighted headline goes past, “Tsunami kills 150,000 people, 17 monsters missing.”

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Seventeen monsters?  That’s a lot.  I
                                    sure hope they find them.

A billboard advertises: “Mothra Airlines – Fly a giant moth to all destinations.”

He flies past the Monster Bowl Stadium, the sign out front says: “NY GIANTS vs.
FL OGRES.”

Dr. Aqula looks down and sees “Ripper’s Believe It or Don’t Museum of Human Normalcies.”  In the window is an average American family, mom, dad, kid, all eating breakfast.  Looking through the window is a SKELETOM MOM and a SKELETON KID, who gasps in horror.

                                                            SKELETON KID
                                    Mom, how can there be such horrible
                                    things in the world?
                                   
                                                            SKELETON MOM
                                    Don’t worry, dear, they don’t really
                                    exist.

Dr. Aqula flies past a big church, the sign reading, “THE FIRST CHURCH OF GOD-zilla.”  Our view moves in through the window . . .

INT. CHURCH – DAY

At the dais is a guy in a rubber Godzilla suit.  All of the parishioners are Japanese and singing a hymn in high-pitched voices.
 
                                                            PARISHONERS
                                    Go-jira!  Go-jira! Go-jira!

A subtitle reads: Our Godzilla, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

EXT. SKY – DAY

Dr. Aqula flies past an elementary school and can hear the kids inside reciting “The Pledge of Allegiance.”

                                                            KIDS
                                    . . . One nation, under God, invisible,
                                    with liberty and justice for all

As Dr. Aqula flies past the schoolroom window, he sees 25 books floating in the air—the class is in fact invisible!

He passes a sign that says, “Devil’s Playground,” and then he sees a basketball court where a team of skeletons is shooting hoops against a team of red-suited devils, and they’re playing with a fireball.

Dr. Aqula flies past a strip club, the neon sign on the roof  says, “Satan’s Hideaway – Dead Female Entertainment – DEAD NUDE GIRLS!  ALL DEAD!!  ALL NUDE!!”

Dr. Aqula flies past a multiplex movie theater, and on the marquee is: Horror Triple Feature: Rosemary’s Baby II: The Reborning; Aliens & Terminators: Almost Out of Ideas; The Stepfather III: Garnishing the Wages of Fear.

A SKELETON PEDESTRIAN with a shock of red hair on his skull waves up at Dr. Aqula as he flies over.

                                                            SKELETON PEDESTRIAN
                                    Good to see you, Dr. Aqula.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Good to see you, too, Red.
                                                (to us)
                                    That’s Red Skeleton, for you grandkids
                                    out there.

As he flies past a hospital he looks inside through a window and sees a skeleton doctor pounding on a skeleton patient’s chest, but it’s no use.  The SKELETON DOCTOR hangs his head in shame, while another skeleton doctor pats him on the shoulder. 

                                                            SKELETON DOCTOR #1
                                                (with DeForrest Kelly’s voice)
                                    He’s dead, Jim.  I couldn’t save him.

                                                            SKELETON DOCTOR #2
                                                (with William Shatner’s voice)
                                    You did your best, Bones.  If only you’d
                                    had more time . . . just a little more time!

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