EXT. SKYSCRAPER – DAY Dr. Aqula flies up to a tall skyscraper. At the top it says, “Vampire State Building.” INT. BLOOD BANK – DAY Dr. Aqula stands in a line. A sign on the wall says, “Chase-Monstropolis Blood Bank.” Directly in front of him is a BRITISH VAMPIRE wearing a bowler hat, who turns to Dr. Aqula and says with an upper-class British accent . . . BRITISH VAMPIRE DR. AQULA BRITISH VAMPIRE The British vampire laughs heartily and slaps Dr. Aqula on the shoulder. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula steps up to the window. Inside sits a skeleton teller. DR. AQULA But just as he’s about to get his two pints of blood, he looks down and sees . . . EXT. BEACH – DAY Dr. Aqula is floating 25 feet above the beach, and there’s a rope tied around his leg running down to Estelle, who is holding the other end. She gives the rope a yank, and suddenly Dr. Aqula begins to fall . . . INT. COFFIN – NIGHT Dr. Aqula gasps, snaps his eyes open and bolts upright, slamming his head into the coffin lid. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT The lid of the coffin squeaks open. Dr. Aqula sits up rubbing his head and looking weary. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula sighs deeply, shaking his head. Our view moves past him and over to the window, where we see . . . EXT. TOWN OF BAD AX – NIGHT The average American small town of Bad Ax, it’s lights twinkling in the night. DR. AQULA (O.S.) He flashes back to . . . INT. CRYPT – NIGHT Dr. Aqula’s coffin sits on a stone pedestal in a brick-walled crypt. We can hear the sound of explosions outside, shaking the crypt and causing debris to fall from the ceiling. The coffin opens and Dr. Aqula sits up, smiling. DR. AQULA Our view moves to the crypt’s window, where we see . . . EXT. LONDON – NIGHT The London Blitz is occurring. Bombs are dropping on the city, buildings are exploding and collapsing, sirens are wailing, people run for cover. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula flashes back to . . . DISSOLVE: INT. CELLAR – NIGHT The coffin sits on the stone floor of a cellar. We hear a shouted VOICE outside. VOICE (O.S.) The coffin opens and Dr. Aqula sits up, smiling wistfully. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula flashes back to . . . INT. MUD HUT – NIGHT The coffin is now made of plain, unfinished wood, and sits on the floor of a mud hut. Dr. Aqula sits up wearing a simple cotton robe, and he is smiling happily. He turns and looks out the window, where there is a long row of crucified bodies. Roman soldiers are whipping people and nailing them to the crosses. DR. AQULA A subtitle appears in Hebrew of what he just said. Dr. Aqula glances down at the subtitle. DR. AQULA He shakes his head hard, jolting himself back to reality . . . END FLASHBACK INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT The lid of the coffin swings open and Dr. Aqula sits up. He’s in his own coffin in the mausoleum in his house. The coffin, unfortunately, is so unstable on the thin pedestal that the weight of the lid swinging open causes it to fall over backward. Dr. Aqula’s eyes widen in horror. DR. AQULA The coffin hits the floor with a crash. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ BEDROOM – NIGHT Estelle sits at a desk in her bedroom, tensely smoking a cigarette in a roach-clip-like holder attached to her finger, writing with a quill pen. Sitting all around her on the desk are piles and piles of hand-written pages of a screenplay, entitled “VICTIMIZED! The Bride of Frankenstein’s True Story.” ESTELLE Meanwhile, a black cats walks by. Estelle snaps her head around and screams. ESTELLE The cat freezes, then quickly runs away. Estelle returns to her writing. ESTELLE EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Frank Stein steps up outside Dr. Aqula’s house in his torn tank-top looking utterly miserable. He steps up underneath the bedroom window, drops to his knees and FRANK Estelle opens the bedroom window and sticks her head out. ESTELLE ESTELLE FRANK Estelle disappears inside. Frank slicks his hair back and straightens his shirt. Estelle steps up to him in her flimsy, transparent white nightgown, backlit in the moonlight. ESTELLE Frank looks at her pleadingly. FRANK ESTELLE Estelle rams her hand right into Frank’s chest and tears out his beating heart. She holds it up to Frank’s face. ESTELLE Estelle pitches Frank’s heart into the woods. Frank screams in agony, grabbing his empty chest cavity. Patches the rotting dog runs up, grabs Frank’s heart in it’s mouth and scampers away. Frank shrieks and chases after the dog. ESTELLE She shrugs and heads inside. EXT. CITYSCAPE – NIGHT The cityscape twinkles in the night. The marionette bat flies into view, then comes face to face with another bat, only this bat is wearing a cowboy hat. DR. AQULA BAT WITH HAT INT. BAR – NIGHT Andy and Barney sit down at a booth in the bar. The WAITRESS steps up. WAITRESS ANDY The Waitress returns a moment later with two mugs of whiskey and two buckets of beer. The two cops drop the mugs of whiskey into the buckets of beer. Barney holds up his bucket. BARNEY Andy nods, smiles, and raises his bucket. They touch buckets, then each of them take a big gulp. ANDY Barney rubs his chin, looking around suspiciously. BARNEY ANDY BARNEY ANDY Barney stands and heads to the bathroom. BARNEY Barney walks away. Andy sips his drink and chuckles. His eyes grow misty as he remembers . . . ANDY’S FLASHBACK: INT. BAR – NIGHT Andy is sitting in exactly the same spot, in exactly the same position, wearing the same policeman’s uniform, only his hair and mustache are jet black. A title reads: “20 Years Earlier.” Andy is seated across from a BORED COP. ANDY BORED COP The Bored Cop walks away toward the bathroom. Andy sits there with a faraway look in his eyes, which grow misty as he remembers . . . ANDY’S FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK: INT. SODA SHOP – DAY Andy is sitting in the exact same position, only now his hair is long, he has long mutton-chop sideburns, no mustache, and is a hippy. He wears beads and a button that says, “Impeach LBJ.” A title reads: “20 Years earlier.” Andy speaks to a BORED HIPPY CHICK with long wavy hair. ANDY The Bored Hippy Chick stands up and heads to the john. BORED HIPPY CHICK She leaves. Andy rubs his chin and his eyes grow misty as he remembers . . . END FLASHBACK INT. BAR – NIGHT Barney sits back down across from the gray-haired, 65-year-old version of Andy. ANDY BARNEY ANDY Barney rolls his eyes and sighs. INT. CHURCH/ PRIEST’S ROOM – NIGHT Father Paddy reclines on his cot, a drink in his hand and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, the smoke rising up into his eyes causing him to squint. He’s smash-ass drunk. His eyes roll into the back of his head and he fantasizes . . . THE PRIEST’S FANTASY: EXT. HILLTOP – DAY This is Calvary Hill and the crucifixion of Jesus Christ is just occurring. Roman soldiers have JESUS on his back on the cross and are just about to pound spikes into his palms. Father Paddy steps up, puts his hands firmly on his hips and states . . . FATHER PADDY ROMAN SOLDIER The Roman soldier drops the wooden mallet and backs away. Jesus jumps to his feet, runs over and stands back to back with Father Paddy. JESUS FATHER PADDY JESUS Jesus and Father Paddy wade into the Roman soldiers, using fantastic martial arts moves. END FLASHBACK INT. CHURCH/PRIEST’S ROOM – NIGHT Father Paddy sits on his cot grinning, then falls over sideways, out cold. DISSOLVE: EXT. DR. AQUALA’S HOUSE – DAY A FexEd truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY MAN gets out of the truck holding a box and a clipboard, goes to the front door and rings the bell. INT. DR. AQUALA’S HOUSE/ FOYER – DAY Estelle steps up to the front door and opens it. DELIVERY MAN ESTELLE The Delivery Man steps inside and Estelle closes the door. She takes the box from him as he looks down at his clipboard and furrows his brow. DELIVERY MAN Estelle begins opening the box. ESTELLE She reaches into the box, takes out a ball-peen hammer and cracks the Delivery Man over the head knocking him out. Estelle hollers up the stairs. ESTELLE EXT. LAKE SIDE – DAY A LITTLE GIRL of seven years old sits by a lake with a pile of flowers in front of her and hums a lullaby. Frank comes shambling up, his arms out in front of him, growling. Frank sees the little girl and sits down beside her. She smiles at him innocently and hands Frank a flower. Frank takes the flower, sniffs it and it smells nice. The little girl takes a flower from the pile and throws it into the lake. Frank throws his flower in the lake, too. She throws another flower in the water, then so does Frank. Soon the flowers are all gone. Frank looks at the little girl with a confused expression. The little girl becomes angry that there are no more flowers. She grabs a hold of Frank, lifts him above her head, spins him around and throws him screaming into the lake, where he lands with a splash. EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – DAY Out on the lawn we hear the sound of a small motorized appliance. We might assume that it’s a lawn mower, but in fact it’s Estelle with a big professional model shop-vac. She’s aiming the wide hose up into a tree. Estelle is furious. ESTELLE The birds and squirrels are sucked out of the branches of the tree and into the hose of the shop-vac. Thoop, thoop, thoop . . . ESTELLE Estelle throws down the vacuum hose and heads back into the house. Meanwhile, the shop-vac canister jiggles and muffled whimpering and chirping can be heard from within. DISSOLVE: INT. BAR – NIGHT Frank Stein enters a dark bar and sits down on a stool at the bar. A BARTENDER steps up. BARTENDER FRANK The Bartender looks surprised. BARTENDER FRANK BARTENDER FRANK The Bartender does as he’s told and pours a large tumbler full of embalming fluid. Frank takes the big glass and downs the whole drink. He holds it out to the Bartender. FRANK Frank sets down his third empty glass. He’s reasonably embalmed, his eyelids at half-mast. Frank confesses to the Bartender . . . FRANK The Bartender reaches over and hands him a Cosmopolitan Magazine. BARTENDER Frank grabs hold of the magazine with both hands and inspects it upside down. FRANK BARTENDER The Bartender hands Frank a thick textbook entitled, “How To Read.” Frank opens the book and a bright white light illuminates his face from below—it’s the light of knowledge. Frank looks up in awe and wonder and takes hold of his chin like Rodin’s The Thinker. MONTAGE: Frank reads quickly, turning page after page. A stack of books grows upward toward the ceiling. Frank wears a white lab coat and goggles as he works with a chemistry set, removing a bubbling beaker from a Bunsen burner. Frank wears a black mortar board and gown, receiving a diploma, smiling, proud, bowing, flashbulbs going off. At a big ceremony Frank is being given the key to the city by local politicians Frank is in a hotel room, holding the bloody key, a dead hooker on the bed. Frank is back at the bar, half-smashed. He shakes his head and holds up his glass. FRANK EXT. BAR – NIGHT Frank comes staggering out of the bar shit-ass drunk. We see a dark figure step out of the shadows behind him and approach in a menacing fashion. It’s half-wolf, half-man, it’s the WOOFMAN. It looks like he and Frank are about to get into a monster battle, then Woofman cocks his head at an angle. WOOFMAN FRANK WOOFMAN FRANK WOOFMAN FRANK The Woofman raises his hairy eyebrows. WOOFMAN FRANK Woofman gets seriously angry and shoves his hairy face into Frank’s face. WOOFMAN FRANK Woofman snarls like a wolf. WOOFMAN Frank waves his finger. FRANK Frank stomps away. Woofman watches him get into a tiny little Mini-Cooper and drive away. The car jerks forward, then suddenly brakes, then squeals forward again. Woofman turns around and heads back into the bar. INT. FRANK’S CAR – NIGHT Inside Frank’s Mini-Cooper his fat boot is so big it cover the gas pedal and the brake pedal, too. He tries to turn his foot sideways and poke the gas pedal with his boot-tip. The boot slips under the brake pedal, jamming the gas to the floor. The car burns rubber up the road. INT. BAR – NIGHT Woofman sits down at the bar and the Bartender steps up to serve him. BARTENDER WOOFMAN The Bartender rubs his chin. BARTENDER The Bartender makes the drink and hands it to the Woofman, who takes a big gulp. WOOFMAN The Bartender nods BARTENDER The Bartender drops a copy of Juggs Magazine in front of Woofman. There’s a nude girl with large breasts on the cover. Woofman pushes it away. WOOFMAN BARTENDER The Bartender drops a big, hardcover copy of “The Writings of Sigmund Freud” on the bar with a thump. Woofman rubs his furry chin and remembers . . . WOOFMAN’S FLASHBACK: INT. BEDROOM – DAY LITTLE WOOFMAN is ten years old and looks exceedingly bored and tortured. His mother, MRS. WOOFMAN, is busy dressing him in a colorful, flouncy dress. MRS. WOOFMAN LITTLE WOOFMAN MRS. WOOFMAN Little Woofman does as he’s told and turns around. He feels the material of the skirt and smiles. LITTLE WOOFMAN MRS. WOOFMAN LITTLE WOOFMAN END FLASHBACK: INT. POLICE CAR – NIGHT Andy and Barney sit in the police cruiser with the lights off, drinking coffee and eating donuts. ANDY The Mini-Cooper goes racing past the police cruiser at a high speed, sparks flying out from below the car from the dragging muffler. Andy puts it in gear and pulls out onto the road in pursuit while Barney switches on the flashers and siren. INT. FRANK’S CAR – NIGHT Frank drives along weaving back and forth, his eyes half-closed, clearly and obviously drunk. Suddenly, there are red and blue lights illuminating him from behind. Frank glances in the rear-view mirror and sees the police car with it’s flashers on. Frank frowns and pulls over. EXT. ROAD – NIGHT The police car also pulls over and stops. Andy and Barney both get out of the car. ANDY Barney nods. The two cops cautiously approach Frank’s car. Barney stops at the rear end of the car, takes out his nightstick and breaks the tail-light. BARNEY Barney squats down and looks underneath the car, poking around with his nightstick. Meanwhile, Andy steps up to the driver’s window. ANDY Frank’s big lead-filled shoes step out of the car and he stands up—he’s seven feet tall! Andy looks up at him. ANDY Barney is poking around under the car. Gasoline is dripping out from under the engine. Barney finds the leak with the end of his stick. He sniffs it. BARNEY Andy sniffs around Frank and smells something. ANDY FRANK ANDY FRANK Andy pulls out a Breath-O-Lyzer and holds the tube out to Frank. ANDY Frank blows into the end of the tube. The digital read-out on the Breath-O-Lyzer climbs higher and higher and higher. Andy can’t believe his eyes. The Breath-O-Lyzer goes to a flashing red light accompanied by a warning buzzer. The read-out says, “Evacuate Area.” Andy tosses the machine and it explodes in mid-air. Now Frank is made to walk a straight line, one big lead foot in front of the other. Then he’s made to touch his nose with each index finger. Then he’s made to solve a Rubic’s Cube, which he does pretty quickly under the circumstances. ANDY Frank furrows his brow. FRANK Barney, meanwhile, is still snooping around underneath the car, poking at things with his nightstick. He touches the moist nightstick to the hot exhaust pipe and the end of the stick bursts into flames. Barney waves it and blows on it trying to put it out. Meanwhile, back at the drunk test. FRANK Andy shakes his head sadly. ANDY Frank goes insane, howling at the top of his lungs. FRANK Frank begins lurching toward Andy. Andy pulls out his Taser gun. ANDY Frank continues to approach, so Andy fires the Taser gun just as a big eighteen-wheel truck goes by. The tailwind of the passing truck causes the Taser darts to turn around in mid-air and go right back into Andy’s chest. The pain causes him to pull the trigger and electrocute himself. ANDY Frank grabs Andy by his shirt, lifts him over his head, spins him around, the electricity coursing through both of them. Frank has sparks coming out of the bolts in his head. Frank glances down and grins—he’s got an enormous woody. Frank holds Andy by the collar with one hand, grabs the top of Andy’s head with the other hand and proceeds to twist Andy’s head around 180 degrees, until he’s facing Barney. ANDY Frank keeps turning Andy’s head until he twists it right off his body. Frank throws the head one way, then throws the body the other way. Barney sees what has happened and is utterly horrified. BARNEY Frank waves his arms in the air and bellows. He turns and sees Barney and begins moving in on him. Barney is so horrified that he can’t move or breathe. Just as Frank steps up to the petrified cop, Barney raises his arms to cover his face, bringing up the burning nightstick. Frank sees the flames come near him, recoils and runs off into the woods. Barney’s eyes roll into the back of his skull and he passes out. |
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