EXT. ROAD – NIGHT

There are now two police cars, the EMS truck, and the coroner’s car parked on the side of the road.  The other cops, the EMS guys, and the Coroner all grimace as they look down.  They all cover their noses.

On the ground is Andy’s headless body.  The front of Andy’s pants are all wet, and the back is smeared brown.

                                                            CORONER
                                    Whatever killed him was so horrifying
                                    he both pissed and shit himself at the
                                    same time.  I’ve never seen anything
                                    like it.

Barney steps up and yells.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Somebody cover him up before the
                                    press gets here.

The EMS guys throw a blanket over Andy’s body.  When they get to the feet we see that his pants are much too short.

Barney walks away, hiking up his baggy, loose-fitting trousers, clearly several sizes too large for him.

INT. MORGUE – DAY

Barney is in the morgue staring down  at Claudia, the beautiful dead girl, lying on a stainless steel autopsy table covered by a sheet.  He looks closely at the fang marks in her neck and frowns.

                                                            BARNEY
                                                (to himself)
                                    There’s no such thing as monsters,
                                    there’s no such thing as monsters.

Barney looks the girl up and down and sighs.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    I sure wish we’d met when you were
                                    still alive.
                                                (sighs)
                                    Just my luck with women.  If I like
                                    ‘em, they’re dead.  I guess I shouldn’t
                                    hold out much hope for this relationship.
                                    But I promise you, I’ll find whoever did
                                    this to you, and I’ll personally see that
                                    justice is done, you can count on that.

Barney turns and steadfastly walks away.

INT. CHURCH –DAY

Barney meets with Father Paddy in the church.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Father, I need your help to fight the
                                    vampires.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Then we’d better check the chapter of
                                    the Bible about slaying vampires.

Father Paddy walks toward the big volume sitting on the podium.  Barney rubs his chin.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    I didn’t know there was a chapter in
                                    the Bible about slaying vampires.

Father Paddy steps up to the big Bible and opens it.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Oh, sure there is, in the professional
                                    edition, but not in the home edition.

The priest scans the chapter headings, reading aloud.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Now, let’s see . . .  “Casting out
                                    demons, Performing exorcisms,
                                    Repairing plumbing, Persecuting
                                    Jews, Persecuting Muslims, Persecuting
                                    other Christian denominations,
                                    Persecuting fellow Catholics, Persecuting
                                    small animals . . .” this may take a while.

Barney sits down.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ KITCHEN – DUSK

Frankie and Estelle are sitting at the kitchen table and have just finished a pizza delivery boy.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Well, the others will just have to get
                                    something for themselves.  Frankie,
                                    will you clear the table for your mother?

Frankie drags the body off the table, knocking plates and glasses off as well.  He pulls the unconscious body to the basement door.  The pizza delivery boy is tossed into the basement.

INT. BASEMENT – DUSK

The pizza delivery boy lands in the basement where there are six other pizza delivery guys, a Roto-Rooter man, a phone man, a cable TV installer, as well as a MAYTAG REPAIRMAN, all of whom are now zombies with white eyes.  The Maytag Repairman holds tightly onto the washing machine and sobs.

                                                            MAYTAG REPAIRMAN
                                    Lonely, so very lonely.

INT. DR. AQULA’S DINING ROOM – DUSK

Estelle begins to straighten up the dining room.  She pushes in the chairs around the dining room table.  Brittany’s purse is hanging from one of the chairs.  Estelle glances down into the open purse and see pills bottles.  Estelle reaches into Brittany’s purse, takes out the pill bottles and inspects them.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                                (reading pill bottles)
                                    Anti-coagulants?  Blood-thinners?
                                    Platelet-boosters?  Oh dear god,
                                    she’s a Hemo-Goblin!

Just then Brittany comes walking in.  Estelle holds the pill bottles up to her face.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    So, young lady, would you like to
                                    explain these?

Brittany looks bored and walks away.  Estelle follows her.

                                                            BRITTANY
                                    What?  They make me feel good.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    You’re a kid, it’s not your job to
                                    feel good.  Childhood’s a bitch.
                                    Where did you get them?

                                                            BRITTANY
                                    None of your beeswax.  You’re not
                                    my mother, you can’t tell me what to
                                    do.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    I asked a question, I didn’t tell you
                                    anything.

                                                            BRITTANY
                                    Oh, sure.  And what were you doing
                                    going through my purse?

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    You left it in the dining room.  It fell
                                    open.

                                                            BRITTANY
                                    Right!  As if.

Brittany has arrived at the door to her room.  She opens it, goes inside, slams it shut and locks it.  Estelle shakes her head and goes into her own bedroom across the hall.

INT. CHURCH – NIGHT

Father Paddy stands at the lectern and continues to read from the bible.  Barney listens.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    “ . . . Persecuting felines, persecuting
                                    fauna,” Ah, here it is, “ . . . slaying
                                    vampires.”  Uh, this whole section is
                                    in Latin, and I must admit that I’m a
                                    little rusty on my Latin at this point.
                                                (he turns pages and stops)
                                    Yes, here it is.  I’m pretty sure this is
                                    the invocation for putting curses on
                                    vampires.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Pretty sure?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Uh, it could also be a few other things,
                                    but this is definitely the invocation
                                    section.  So, here goes nothing . . .
           
Father Paddy reads from the big Bible . . .

EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT

An old graveyard lies in the moonlight.  We hear the Father’s invocation.

                                                            FATHER PADDY (O.S.)
                                    “Audi anima!  Relinque terram, relinque
                                    mortemque, surge ex sepulcro.” 

Suddenly, the ground rumbles, the soil on the graves shift, and the dead rise up.

                                                            FATHER PADDY (O.S.)
                                    There, if that was the correct incantation,
                                    everything will be just fine now.  If not,
                                    well, I’m not sure what will happen.

The ZOMBIES raise their arms and begin walking across the countryside in the moonlight, all chanting in unison . . .

                                                            ZOMBIES
                                    Human brains.  Must eat human brains.

INT. MORGUE – NIGHT

Claudia, the beautiful dead girl, lies on a stainless steel autopsy table in the morgue.  She is covered by a sheet.  A creepy-looking Morgue Attendant sits in the foreground, with his back to the autopsy table, reading a porno magazine and getting excited. 

The beautiful girl’s corpse opens its eyes and sits up, the sheet sliding down revealing her breasts.  The  Morgue Attendant doesn’t notice, he’s too busy perving.  The girl stands revealing her fully-exposed naked body, but the guy doesn’t notice.  The girl puts on a lab coat and exits.

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Frankenstein runs around the side of the house, he is holding flowers in one hand, and a guitar in the other.  He trips and falls, smashing the flowers, then bashing the guitar which makes a loud, off-key twang.  From the shadows of a nearby tree, the Woofman’s silhouette appears.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ KITCHEN – NIGHT

The basement door is bumped from the inside, the eye-hook unlocks and the door swings  open.  Zombie repair and delivery men crowd up the steps while chanting.

                                                            ZOMBIES
                                    Human brains.  Must eat human brains.

The Maytag Repairman zombie goes past looking sad and muttering.

                                                            MAYTAG REPAIRMAN
                                    Lonely, so lonely.

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

The Woofman watches the zombies exit the house out the side door.

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

People are flooding into the police station, and the only cop on duty is Barney, who isn’t handling the stress very well.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Just settle down.  Everybody settle
                                    down.

A man wearing a red shirt with “Greasy’s Pizza” embroidered on it steps up.  He’s GREASY’S MANAGER.

                                                            GREASY’S MANAGER
                                    I’m missing six delivery boys.  I’ve
                                    got pizzas stacked up to the ceiling.
                                    What’s going on?

ROBERT ROTTER of Roto-Rooter steps up.

                                                            ROBERT ROTTER
                                    I’m Robert Rotter of Roto-Rooter, and
                                    our repairman’s been missing for two
                                    days.

Just then the police radio starts to chatter.  It’s the voice of a COP.

                                                            COP (O.S.)
                                    Barney, we’ve got a report of some
                                    missing bodies at the morgue. What
                                    should we do?  Over.

Another PERSON comes running in and announces.

                                                            PERSON
                                    Zombies are ravaging the countryside!

Barney looks from one person to another to another, not knowing which way to turn or what to do.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Everyone remann claim.  I mean, clom.
                                    Remain clam.  For Chrissakes, DON’T
                                    PANIC!

EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT

The zombie women who have risen from the graves wander aimlessly in circles, not knowing where to go or why.  They all turn and see the zombie delivery men from Dr. Aqula’s basement approaching with their arms out forward.  All the zombies meet up, eyeing each other, grunting and groaning in wonderment.  A ZOMBIE GAL opens the top of her head and politely leans forward toward a DELIVERYMAN.

                                                            ZOMBIE GAL #1
                                    Brains?

                                                            DELIVERYMAN #1
                                    Thank you.                 

He takes a hunk and eats it, then smiles and nods.  Good.

                                                            ZOMBIE GAL #1
                                    I’m undead.

                                                            DELIVERYMAN #1
                                                (impressed)
                                    That’s uncredible!  Me, too.  Y’know,
                                    you may not be very smart, but I love
                                    your brains.

                                                            ZOMBIE GAL #1
                                    Thank you.

Two SEATED ZOMBIES are busily eating a dead clown.  They both take a bite of flesh, then wince.

                                                            SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    Does this taste funny to you?

ZOMBIE GAL #2 and DELIVERYMAN #2 speak.  She has an Eastern European accent.

                                                            ZOMBIE GAL #2
                                    Ha-lo, Dah-link.

                                                            DELIVERYMAN #2
                                    Where are you from?

                                                            ZOMBIE GAL #2
                                    I’m from Ukranium.

She bites his head and he smiles.

                                                            DELIVERYMAN #2
                                    I heard you Ukranium girls give good
                                    head.

Another Deliveryman and yet another Zombie Gal have fallen in love.  Oddly, they both speak in rhyme.

                                                            DELIVERYMAN #3
                                    If you’ve got jokes
                                    You better tell ‘em
                                    ‘Cause I’m gonna eat
                                    Your cerebellum

                                                            ZOMBIE GAL #3
                                    Good looks you gotta lotta
                                    Mind if I taste your
                                    Medulla  Oblongata?
                                                                       
All of the zombie couples hug in the moonlight.

A ZOMBIE GIRL walks along eating a long strand of squiggly intestines, which she is clearly enjoying.

                                                            ZOMBIE GIRL
                                    Mmmmm, intestines.

Meanwhile, here comes a ZOMBIE BOY eating a brain and also clearly enjoying it.

                                                            ZOMBIE BOY
                                    Mmmmmm, brains.

The zombie boy and girl bump into each other and both fall down.  The girl looks down.

                                                            ZOMBIE GIRL
                                    Hey, you got brains in my intestines.

The boy looks down.

                                                            ZOMBIE BOY
                                    You got intestines in my brains.

They each take a bite of the strange new concoction.  Their white eyes widen in delight and they proclaim.

                                                            ZOMBIE BOY
                                    This is intesti-licious!

                                                            ZOMBIE GIRL
                                    Cerebell-Yum!

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula finds the back door open, the door to the basement ajar and all of the zombies gone.  He becomes angry and yells.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Frankie!  Get in here!

Frankie enters and immediately sees what happened.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    It’s not my fault.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Then whose is it?  Speak up.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    Why won’t you let me breathe?  Why
                                    are you always leanin’ on me?  What’s
                                    your main malfunction, man?

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Hey, you let the zombies loose, not me.

Frankie points his finger into Dr. Aqula’s face.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    This isn’t about zombies, and it
                                    never was!  This is all about the fact
                                    that you’re not really my dad.  You’re
                                    my step-dad, and if my real dad was
                                    here, he’d kick your ass!

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    But he’s not here, is he, Junior?

Meanwhile, Estelle has wandered in. 

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    So, you can’t tell me what to do.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    I didn’t tell you anything, I accused
                                    you of negligence.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    Same difference, man.  So just back
                                    off!  You’re just uptight cuz on your
                                    liquid diet you haven’t taken a decent
                                    shit in centuries!

Frankie splits in a huff.  We hear a door slam.  Dr. Aqula turns to Estelle.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    What did I do?  What?  So I’m the
                                    villain?
                                   
                                                            ESTELLE
                                    Oh, come on.  You don’t give a damn
                                    about that boy.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (nods)
                                    Well, he is rather difficult to like, you
                                    have to admit it.

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    You don’t even try.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    I do.  But this little stunt could get
                                    us kicked out of another town, and
                                    let me tell you, I’m tired of moving. 
                                    I’m going out for a bite . . .

                                                            ESTELLE
                                    And now I won’t see you for the next
                                    twelve hours.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (shakes his head)
                                    Oh, let’s not start that again.  Why do
                                    I even bother getting up?  I’m going
                                    back to my coffin.

Dr. Aqula walks wearily out of the room. 

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – NIGHT

There is a town meeting going on in the church.  The TOWNSPEOPLE rationally discuss the situation.

                                                            TOWNSPEOPLE #1
                                    Let’s burn down the monster’s house!

                                                            TOWNSPEOPLE #2
                                    Good thinking, I second the motion.

A cheer of unanimous approval goes up.  Father Paddy stands up and turns to the crowd.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Violence only begets more violence. 
                                    Why can’t we all just live in peace?

                                                            TOWNSPEOPLE #2
                                    ‘Cause we just can’t, that’s why!

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Well, I’ll have nothing to do with this
                                    ungodly mob behavior; and I’m sure
                                    every God-fearing citizen will follow
                                    me out of here right now.

Father Paddy walks down the aisle in righteous indignation.  Sadly, no one follows him as he leaves the church.

The mob waits a second, then starts right back up cheering and chanting . . .

                                                            MOB
                                    Burn ‘em up!  Burn ‘em up! 

They all begin marching out of the church.  One townsperson turns to another.

                                                            TOWNSPEOPLE #1
                                    You know which house it is?

                                                            TOWNSPEOPLE #2
                                    No, do you?

                                                            TOWNSPEOPLE #1
                                    No, not really.  Come on, let’s go! 

                                                            TOWNSPEOPLE #2
                                    Yeah, we’ll find it.

They mob storms out of the church.

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Frank has a long ladder that he is trying to balance against the house.  He catches it on a tree branch, pulls it loose and bangs the wall.  He manages to position it under the window sill.  Frank runs back to pick up his guitar.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Barney drives slowly down the street scanning the sidewalks.  He sees Father Paddy marching up the sidewalk toward him.  Barney switches on the red and blue lights and pulls over.  He leans out his window.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    I don’t know what the heck is going
                                    on, but as sure as the Pope shits in the
                                    woods, this whole town’s gone nuts!

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    The townsfolk have formed a mob and
                                    are going to burn down the Aqula’s
                                    house.  The Pope does what?

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Quick, get in.

Father Paddy gets into the police car and it screeches away.

INT. FRANKIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Frankie is stretched out on his bed listening to music on his head phones.  Frankenstein appears at the window.  He lifts the window and begins to climb through.  He puts the guitar in ahead of him, but it becomes stuck and his boot smashes through it.  The noise of the breaking guitar catches Frankie’s attention.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    Dad?

                                                            FRANK, SR.
                                    Frankie?
                                                (looks around)
                                    This your room?

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    Yeah, what’dya think?

                                                            FRANK, SR.
                                                (confused)
                                    This not mother’s room?

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    Nope, all mine.  See, I knew she was
                                    lying when she said you didn’t want
                                    to see me.

                                                            FRANK, SR.
                                    Sure, Frankenstein want to see Son
                                    of Frankenstein. 

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    You did miss all of my school band
                                    concerts, for the last ten years.

                                                            FRANK, SR.
                                    Not Frankenstein’s fault.  Frankenstein’s
                                    calendar broke.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    I knew there was an explanation.  Say,
                                    you want to see my insect collection? 
                                    I have over 17,000 specimens, so we
                                    should probably start alphabetically.

Frankie goes to the closet.  Frank, Sr. rolls his eyes in despair.

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Father Paddy and Barney drive up to Dr. Aqula’s house, but there’s no one there.  They get out of the car and look off into the distance.  They see a house on fire a block away.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Hey, look, the Johnson place is on
                                    fire.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Yeah, what’dya know about that.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Nice old couple, the Johnsons. 
                                    Wouldn’t hurt a fly.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    The Johnsons are good, kind-hearted,
                                    God-fearing people, the Lord will
                                    certainly watch over them.

EXT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – NIGHT

The howling mob has surrounded the house and set it ablaze.  They all throw their lit torches at the house to get it to burn faster.  Flames leap into the night sky.
           
                                                            MOB
                                    Kill the monsters!  Kill the monsters!

INT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – NIGHT

MR.& MRS. JOHNSON are in bed clutching each other while the bedroom burns around them.  Mrs. Johnson shakes her head.

                                                            MRS. JOHNSON
                                    I told you I didn’t want to move to
                                    Bad Ax, but no, do you listen?

                                                            MR. JOHNSON
                                                (defensive)
                                    Don’t start with me.

                                                            MRS. JOHNSON
                                    Oh, I’ll start with you, I’ll finish with
                                    you, too.

                                                            MR. JOHNSON
                                    Blah, blah, blah.

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Father Paddy and Barney turn and look at the haunted mansion looming before them.  Father Paddy pulls a wooden stake and a wooden mallet out from under his coat. 

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Officer Drum, we’re on a mission
                                    from God.  Are you ready to do battle
                                    with monsters, fight evil, and slay
                                    vampires?

Barney gulps and begins to shake.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    You want the who to the what, now?

They proceed  up to the house.

INT. FRANKIE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Frankie pulls out another glass case full of pinned insects that are all still alive and still squirming.

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    And that brings us to the Bs, beginning
                                    with Beetles, and there’s lots of them.

                                                            FRANK, SR.
                                    Frankenstein must evacuate bowels.  Where
                                    toilet?

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    Oh, sure, it’s across the hall.

Frank, Sr. stands and leaves.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Father Paddy, holding a stake and a mallet, and Barney, with his pistol drawn, his hand shaking, his eyes bugging out, both enter the spooky old house.  The lights are low and the shadows are long.  They arrive at the big staircase.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Let’s split up.  You check upstairs, I’ll
                                    check downstairs.

Barney immediately begins to shake, his eyes bugging out.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Are you sure about that?

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Why?  Do you want to check downstairs?

                                                            BARNEY
                                    No, I think we should both get the hell
                                    out of here.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Like I said, you check upstairs, I’ll
                                    check downstairs.

They split up.  Barney stops at the foot of the stairs.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    What are you waiting for?

                                                            BARNEY
                                    I’m letting my eyes adjust to the
                                    dark.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    With all of this blue gelled light, I can
                                    see just fine.

Father Paddy arrives at the basement stairs and proceeds slowly downward, the wooden stake and mallet held out before him.

EXT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – NIGHT

The howling mob surrounds the Johnson house, which is a flaming inferno.  Mr. and Mrs. Johnson come staggering out the front door, engulfed in flames and screaming.  One of the mob yells . . .

                                                            MOB #1
                                    Kill them, they’re fire monsters!

The mob crowds in on the burning Johnsons and beats them to the ground with sticks and clubs.

INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula is in his open coffin in the center of the mausoleum.  Father Paddy steps up, raises the wooden stake and the large wooden mallet.  He places the point of the stake over Dr. Aqula’s heart, takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and turns his head away.  The point of the stake swings over to just above Dr. Aqula’s eye.  Dr. Aqula opens his eyes, looks up and sees the point of the stake.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                                (concerned)
                                    The heart, you idiot, not the eye!

Father Paddy blindly moves the stake as he swings the mallet down on the top of it, driving the stake through the vampire’s stomach.  Dr. Aqula emits a horrifying scream. 

Father Paddy, meanwhile, hollers even louder, drops the mallet and grabs his left hand—he’s got a splinter in his thumb.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                                (screaming)
                                    Oh, God, the pain is too horrible!  I
                                    can’t stand it!  Dear God in heaven,
                                    help me!

Dr. Aqula, with a big wooden stake through his gut, rolls his eyes and snorts.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Is he kidding?  What’s this I got sticking
                                    in me, chopped liver?  In fact, it has
                                    chopped my liver, and my kidney, and
                                    my spleen, too.

Dr. Aqula pulls the stake out of his stomach, and oddly it just keeps coming and
coming . . .

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Barney slowly makes his way up the grand staircase, his pistol out in front, his eyes bugging out.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    There’s no such thing as monsters,
                                    there’s no such thing as monsters . . .

Barney carefully finds his footing avoiding the various objects on the stairs.

INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT

Dr. Aqula finishes pulling the stake from his stomach.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Son of a bitch, I’m gonna be pissing
                                    blood for a week.  Okay, holy man,
                                    say your prayers cause now you’re in
                                    trouble.

Dr. Aqula turns into a bat and attacks the priest. 

EXT. DIRT ROAD – NIGHT

A pick-up truck drives up a bumpy country road.  Behind the truck are two bodies being dragged by chains.  It’s the smoldering Johnsons.

                                                            MRS. JOHNSON
                                    I told you before and I’ll tell you
                                    again, I didn’t want to move to Bad
                                    Ax.

                                                            MR. JOHNSON
                                    And I told you before, don’t start with
                                    me, so don’t start with me.

INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ UPSTAIRS – NIGHT

Barney arrives at the top of the stairs, clearly as terrified as he’s ever been.  He whispers to himself . . .

                                                            BARNEY
                                    There’s no such thing as—

Suddenly, the bathroom door opens and out steps Frank N. Stein.  Barney’s mouth drops open.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    —The Frankenstein monster!

Barney backs away and Frank growls.  Estelle steps out of her bedroom door at the end of the hall.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    The Bride of Frankenstein!

Estelle turns on Barney hissing and baring her teeth.  Barney is petrified and backs away against the wall, the pistol shaking uncontrollably.

A bedroom door opens behind him and out steps Frankie.  Barney is confused.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Frankenstein, Jr.?

                                                            FRANKIE
                                    You don’t know me, pig!

Frankie goes back into his bedroom and slams the door.  Barney turns and starts to run away, when the Woofman comes bounding up the steps right toward him.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    The Woofman!

Barney watches helplessly as his hand shakes so violently that he drops his pistol.  Barney shrieks, turns and hauls ass out of there. 

He runs down the stairs and first hits the roller skate, then the marbles, then the skateboard, causing him to fall down the stairs, ass-over-teakettle, as it were.  Without stopping he gets to his feet and runs right out the front door.

INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT

Father Paddy is being attacked by the bat.  He steps over to the wall where he finds a glass case with a red hammer hanging from a chain.  The sign above it reads: “In the unlikely event of a vampire attack, Break Glass.”  The Father uses the hammer to break the glass and takes out a chainsaw.  He pulls the cord and starts the motor.  Blue exhaust smoke pours out.  Meanwhile, the bat keeps attacking his face.  Father Paddy screams and slashes at the bat with the chainsaw.

EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Barney comes running out of the house at full-speed.  He gets to the street and stops short, not knowing which way to turn.

                                                            BARNEY
                                    Holy shit, there really are monsters!
                                    Lot’s of ‘em!!

He turns and runs down the street as fast as he can.

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