EXT. ROAD – NIGHT There are now two police cars, the EMS truck, and the coroner’s car parked on the side of the road. The other cops, the EMS guys, and the Coroner all grimace as they look down. They all cover their noses. On the ground is Andy’s headless body. The front of Andy’s pants are all wet, and the back is smeared brown. CORONER Barney steps up and yells. BARNEY The EMS guys throw a blanket over Andy’s body. When they get to the feet we see that his pants are much too short. Barney walks away, hiking up his baggy, loose-fitting trousers, clearly several sizes too large for him. INT. MORGUE – DAY Barney is in the morgue staring down at Claudia, the beautiful dead girl, lying on a stainless steel autopsy table covered by a sheet. He looks closely at the fang marks in her neck and frowns. BARNEY Barney looks the girl up and down and sighs. BARNEY Barney turns and steadfastly walks away. INT. CHURCH –DAY Barney meets with Father Paddy in the church. BARNEY FATHER PADDY Father Paddy walks toward the big volume sitting on the podium. Barney rubs his chin. BARNEY Father Paddy steps up to the big Bible and opens it. FATHER PADDY The priest scans the chapter headings, reading aloud. FATHER PADDY Barney sits down. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ KITCHEN – DUSK Frankie and Estelle are sitting at the kitchen table and have just finished a pizza delivery boy. ESTELLE Frankie drags the body off the table, knocking plates and glasses off as well. He pulls the unconscious body to the basement door. The pizza delivery boy is tossed into the basement. INT. BASEMENT – DUSK The pizza delivery boy lands in the basement where there are six other pizza delivery guys, a Roto-Rooter man, a phone man, a cable TV installer, as well as a MAYTAG REPAIRMAN, all of whom are now zombies with white eyes. The Maytag Repairman holds tightly onto the washing machine and sobs. MAYTAG REPAIRMAN INT. DR. AQULA’S DINING ROOM – DUSK Estelle begins to straighten up the dining room. She pushes in the chairs around the dining room table. Brittany’s purse is hanging from one of the chairs. Estelle glances down into the open purse and see pills bottles. Estelle reaches into Brittany’s purse, takes out the pill bottles and inspects them. ESTELLE Just then Brittany comes walking in. Estelle holds the pill bottles up to her face. ESTELLE Brittany looks bored and walks away. Estelle follows her. BRITTANY ESTELLE BRITTANY ESTELLE BRITTANY ESTELLE BRITTANY Brittany has arrived at the door to her room. She opens it, goes inside, slams it shut and locks it. Estelle shakes her head and goes into her own bedroom across the hall. INT. CHURCH – NIGHT Father Paddy stands at the lectern and continues to read from the bible. Barney listens. FATHER PADDY BARNEY FATHER PADDY EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT An old graveyard lies in the moonlight. We hear the Father’s invocation. FATHER PADDY (O.S.) Suddenly, the ground rumbles, the soil on the graves shift, and the dead rise up. FATHER PADDY (O.S.) The ZOMBIES raise their arms and begin walking across the countryside in the moonlight, all chanting in unison . . . ZOMBIES INT. MORGUE – NIGHT Claudia, the beautiful dead girl, lies on a stainless steel autopsy table in the morgue. She is covered by a sheet. A creepy-looking Morgue Attendant sits in the foreground, with his back to the autopsy table, reading a porno magazine and getting excited. The beautiful girl’s corpse opens its eyes and sits up, the sheet sliding down revealing her breasts. The Morgue Attendant doesn’t notice, he’s too busy perving. The girl stands revealing her fully-exposed naked body, but the guy doesn’t notice. The girl puts on a lab coat and exits. EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Frankenstein runs around the side of the house, he is holding flowers in one hand, and a guitar in the other. He trips and falls, smashing the flowers, then bashing the guitar which makes a loud, off-key twang. From the shadows of a nearby tree, the Woofman’s silhouette appears. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ KITCHEN – NIGHT The basement door is bumped from the inside, the eye-hook unlocks and the door swings open. Zombie repair and delivery men crowd up the steps while chanting. ZOMBIES The Maytag Repairman zombie goes past looking sad and muttering. MAYTAG REPAIRMAN EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT The Woofman watches the zombies exit the house out the side door. INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT People are flooding into the police station, and the only cop on duty is Barney, who isn’t handling the stress very well. BARNEY A man wearing a red shirt with “Greasy’s Pizza” embroidered on it steps up. He’s GREASY’S MANAGER. GREASY’S MANAGER ROBERT ROTTER of Roto-Rooter steps up. ROBERT ROTTER Just then the police radio starts to chatter. It’s the voice of a COP. COP (O.S.) Another PERSON comes running in and announces. PERSON Barney looks from one person to another to another, not knowing which way to turn or what to do. BARNEY EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT The zombie women who have risen from the graves wander aimlessly in circles, not knowing where to go or why. They all turn and see the zombie delivery men from Dr. Aqula’s basement approaching with their arms out forward. All the zombies meet up, eyeing each other, grunting and groaning in wonderment. A ZOMBIE GAL opens the top of her head and politely leans forward toward a DELIVERYMAN. ZOMBIE GAL #1 DELIVERYMAN #1 He takes a hunk and eats it, then smiles and nods. Good. ZOMBIE GAL #1 DELIVERYMAN #1 ZOMBIE GAL #1 Two SEATED ZOMBIES are busily eating a dead clown. They both take a bite of flesh, then wince. SEATED ZOMBIE ZOMBIE GAL #2 and DELIVERYMAN #2 speak. She has an Eastern European accent. ZOMBIE GAL #2 DELIVERYMAN #2 ZOMBIE GAL #2 She bites his head and he smiles. DELIVERYMAN #2 Another Deliveryman and yet another Zombie Gal have fallen in love. Oddly, they both speak in rhyme. DELIVERYMAN #3 ZOMBIE GAL #3 A ZOMBIE GIRL walks along eating a long strand of squiggly intestines, which she is clearly enjoying. ZOMBIE GIRL Meanwhile, here comes a ZOMBIE BOY eating a brain and also clearly enjoying it. ZOMBIE BOY The zombie boy and girl bump into each other and both fall down. The girl looks down. ZOMBIE GIRL The boy looks down. ZOMBIE BOY They each take a bite of the strange new concoction. Their white eyes widen in delight and they proclaim. ZOMBIE BOY ZOMBIE GIRL INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Dr. Aqula finds the back door open, the door to the basement ajar and all of the zombies gone. He becomes angry and yells. DR. AQULA Frankie enters and immediately sees what happened. FRANKIE DR. AQULA FRANKIE DR. AQULA Frankie points his finger into Dr. Aqula’s face. FRANKIE DR. AQULA Meanwhile, Estelle has wandered in. FRANKIE DR. AQULA FRANKIE Frankie splits in a huff. We hear a door slam. Dr. Aqula turns to Estelle. DR. AQULA DR. AQULA ESTELLE DR. AQULA ESTELLE DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula walks wearily out of the room. INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – NIGHT There is a town meeting going on in the church. The TOWNSPEOPLE rationally discuss the situation. TOWNSPEOPLE #1 TOWNSPEOPLE #2 A cheer of unanimous approval goes up. Father Paddy stands up and turns to the crowd. FATHER PADDY TOWNSPEOPLE #2 FATHER PADDY Father Paddy walks down the aisle in righteous indignation. Sadly, no one follows him as he leaves the church. The mob waits a second, then starts right back up cheering and chanting . . . MOB They all begin marching out of the church. One townsperson turns to another. TOWNSPEOPLE #1 TOWNSPEOPLE #2 TOWNSPEOPLE #1 TOWNSPEOPLE #2 They mob storms out of the church. EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Frank has a long ladder that he is trying to balance against the house. He catches it on a tree branch, pulls it loose and bangs the wall. He manages to position it under the window sill. Frank runs back to pick up his guitar. EXT. STREET – NIGHT Barney drives slowly down the street scanning the sidewalks. He sees Father Paddy marching up the sidewalk toward him. Barney switches on the red and blue lights and pulls over. He leans out his window. BARNEY FATHER PADDY BARNEY Father Paddy gets into the police car and it screeches away. INT. FRANKIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Frankie is stretched out on his bed listening to music on his head phones. Frankenstein appears at the window. He lifts the window and begins to climb through. He puts the guitar in ahead of him, but it becomes stuck and his boot smashes through it. The noise of the breaking guitar catches Frankie’s attention. FRANKIE FRANK, SR. FRANKIE FRANK, SR. FRANKIE FRANK, SR. FRANKIE FRANK, SR. FRANKIE Frankie goes to the closet. Frank, Sr. rolls his eyes in despair. EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Father Paddy and Barney drive up to Dr. Aqula’s house, but there’s no one there. They get out of the car and look off into the distance. They see a house on fire a block away. BARNEY FATHER PADDY BARNEY FATHER PADDY EXT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – NIGHT The howling mob has surrounded the house and set it ablaze. They all throw their lit torches at the house to get it to burn faster. Flames leap into the night sky. INT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – NIGHT MR.& MRS. JOHNSON are in bed clutching each other while the bedroom burns around them. Mrs. Johnson shakes her head. MRS. JOHNSON MR. JOHNSON MRS. JOHNSON MR. JOHNSON EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Father Paddy and Barney turn and look at the haunted mansion looming before them. Father Paddy pulls a wooden stake and a wooden mallet out from under his coat. FATHER PADDY Barney gulps and begins to shake. BARNEY They proceed up to the house. INT. FRANKIE’S ROOM – NIGHT Frankie pulls out another glass case full of pinned insects that are all still alive and still squirming. FRANKIE FRANK, SR. FRANKIE Frank, Sr. stands and leaves. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Father Paddy, holding a stake and a mallet, and Barney, with his pistol drawn, his hand shaking, his eyes bugging out, both enter the spooky old house. The lights are low and the shadows are long. They arrive at the big staircase. FATHER PADDY Barney immediately begins to shake, his eyes bugging out. BARNEY FATHER PADDY BARNEY FATHER PADDY They split up. Barney stops at the foot of the stairs. FATHER PADDY BARNEY FATHER PADDY Father Paddy arrives at the basement stairs and proceeds slowly downward, the wooden stake and mallet held out before him. EXT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – NIGHT The howling mob surrounds the Johnson house, which is a flaming inferno. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson come staggering out the front door, engulfed in flames and screaming. One of the mob yells . . . MOB #1 The mob crowds in on the burning Johnsons and beats them to the ground with sticks and clubs. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT Dr. Aqula is in his open coffin in the center of the mausoleum. Father Paddy steps up, raises the wooden stake and the large wooden mallet. He places the point of the stake over Dr. Aqula’s heart, takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and turns his head away. The point of the stake swings over to just above Dr. Aqula’s eye. Dr. Aqula opens his eyes, looks up and sees the point of the stake. DR. AQULA Father Paddy blindly moves the stake as he swings the mallet down on the top of it, driving the stake through the vampire’s stomach. Dr. Aqula emits a horrifying scream. Father Paddy, meanwhile, hollers even louder, drops the mallet and grabs his left hand—he’s got a splinter in his thumb. FATHER PADDY Dr. Aqula, with a big wooden stake through his gut, rolls his eyes and snorts. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula pulls the stake out of his stomach, and oddly it just keeps coming and INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Barney slowly makes his way up the grand staircase, his pistol out in front, his eyes bugging out. BARNEY Barney carefully finds his footing avoiding the various objects on the stairs. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT Dr. Aqula finishes pulling the stake from his stomach. DR. AQULA Dr. Aqula turns into a bat and attacks the priest. EXT. DIRT ROAD – NIGHT A pick-up truck drives up a bumpy country road. Behind the truck are two bodies being dragged by chains. It’s the smoldering Johnsons. MRS. JOHNSON MR. JOHNSON INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ UPSTAIRS – NIGHT Barney arrives at the top of the stairs, clearly as terrified as he’s ever been. He whispers to himself . . . BARNEY Suddenly, the bathroom door opens and out steps Frank N. Stein. Barney’s mouth drops open. BARNEY Barney backs away and Frank growls. Estelle steps out of her bedroom door at the end of the hall. BARNEY Estelle turns on Barney hissing and baring her teeth. Barney is petrified and backs away against the wall, the pistol shaking uncontrollably. A bedroom door opens behind him and out steps Frankie. Barney is confused. BARNEY FRANKIE Frankie goes back into his bedroom and slams the door. Barney turns and starts to run away, when the Woofman comes bounding up the steps right toward him. BARNEY Barney watches helplessly as his hand shakes so violently that he drops his pistol. Barney shrieks, turns and hauls ass out of there. He runs down the stairs and first hits the roller skate, then the marbles, then the skateboard, causing him to fall down the stairs, ass-over-teakettle, as it were. Without stopping he gets to his feet and runs right out the front door. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT Father Paddy is being attacked by the bat. He steps over to the wall where he finds a glass case with a red hammer hanging from a chain. The sign above it reads: “In the unlikely event of a vampire attack, Break Glass.” The Father uses the hammer to break the glass and takes out a chainsaw. He pulls the cord and starts the motor. Blue exhaust smoke pours out. Meanwhile, the bat keeps attacking his face. Father Paddy screams and slashes at the bat with the chainsaw. EXT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE – NIGHT Barney comes running out of the house at full-speed. He gets to the street and stops short, not knowing which way to turn. BARNEY He turns and runs down the street as fast as he can. |
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