INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ UPSTAIRS – NIGHT Frank and Woofman circle each other warily as Estelle looks on. FRANK WOOFMAN ESTELLE WOOFMAN ESTELLE FRANK WOOFMAN Woofman looks out the hallway window . . . EXT. MOON – NIGHT The moon is covered by the Earth’s shadow. INT. DR. AQULA’S HOUSE/ UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT All of the Woofman’s fur is on the floor around his feet. We see that he is in fact a very hairy, pot-bellied, Robin Williams-type of man. He looks down at himself. WOOFMAN He jumps through the window in a shower of shattering glass. EXT. TOWN SQUARE – NIGHT The howling angry mob swarms into the town square, waving sticks and clubs. MOB MOB #1 MOB #2 MOB #1 The whole mob agrees. MOB It then occurs to Mob member #1. MOB #1 The whole mob turns on him, clubbing him to the ground. MOB INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT Father Paddy is waving the chainsaw around like Leatherface. The bat flies in and out tormenting the priest. Father Paddy cuts the marionette strings and the bat plops on the stone floor, then immediately turns back into his human form. Father Paddy still has the chainsaw. Dr. Aqula steps back over to the wall where there is another glass case with a hammer hanging from a chain. The sign above it says, “In the even more unlikely event of a chainsaw-wielding priest attack, Break Glass.” Dr. Aqula breaks the glass and takes The doctor and priest circle each other with chainsaws. EXT. STREET – NIGHT Barney runs up the street away from the haunted mansion. He stops, looks down, and realizes he’s both shit and pissed himself again. BARNEY Suddenly, at the end of the block is a slow-moving person, possibly a zombie, wearing a white lab coat and coming toward him. Barney goes for his pistol and realizes he lost it. Barney looks closer and sees that it’s the beautiful dead girl, Claudia. Barney recognizes her and melts inside. BARNEY CLAUDIA Barney smiles, acting bashful. BARNEY The girl steps up to Barney and begins stroking his head. CLAUDIA BARNEY The girl snuggles up to Barney and feels his head, trying to figure out how to crack the nut. CLAUDIA Barney turns to us and says . . . BARNEY INT. DR. AQULA’S/ UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT Estelle has her hand on Frank’s shoulder. ESTELLE Estelle turns and goes into her bedroom. Frank looks down in dejection and sees Barney’s gun. He reaches down and picks it up. FRANK In the center of the city park the unruly mob comes over one grassy hill, then the zombies come over another and it’s a stand-off. Mob versus zombies. They jeer at one another. Finally, the zombies all lower their pants, stick their bare asses out and moon the mob in the moonlight. Some of the zombie’s rotten butt cheeks fall off. The mob screams in anger. Among the zombies are an ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE of sixty, wearing a tam-o-shanter and holding a bent stick, and TEEN SCOTS ZOMBIE listening to him. The Elder has a thick Scottish brogue. He points at the boy’s head. When the man touches the zombie boy’s head, it falls off and rolls away. ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE The man touches the boys chest and his heart falls out hitting the ground with a plop. ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE He grabs the boy by the wrists and his arms come off. ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE The boy’s legs and trunk, which are all that remain of him, fall over. ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE Meanwhile, the mob and the zombies face off against each other across the open, moonlit field. Father Paddy and Dr. Aqula square off with their chainsaws held firmly in front of them. They both turn and find a log propped up on a sawhorse beside them. They each begin to saw the logs in half, seeing who can do it faster. Both logs fall in half at the same moment, proving nothing. Oddly, both Father Paddy’s and Dr. Aqula’s chainsaws simultaneously run out of gas, so they abandon them and square off in martial arts positions. Dr. Aqula raises his arms extending his cape like bat wings. DR. AQULA Suddenly, he darts a hand in and begins slapping the priest’s face back and forth. The flapping bat wing attack slaps Father Paddy so fast, Dr. Aqula’s hand is nothing but a blur. Just then Frank Stein appears holding Estelle hostage, a gun to her head, his other hand covering her mouth. FRANK Dr. Aqula stops slapping the priest and steps toward Frank and Estelle. DR. AQULA Frank realizes how much he loves Estelle. FRANK Just then Estelle wiggles free of Frank’s grasp, turns around and kicks him solidly in the balls. Frank’s balls fly upward inside of him ringing the bell in his brain, causing his eyes to roll around backward, the bolts in his head begin to short-circuit, then poker chips pour out of his mouth. Estelle’s hit the jackpot. Dr. Aqula and Father Paddy both wince. DR. AQULA Frank puts the pistol against his own temple. FRANK ESTELLE FRANK He pulls the trigger and blows his brains out, splattering them against the wall. FRANK Frank scrapes his brains off the wall and tries to stuff them back into the hole in his head. ESTELLE Just then the Woofman comes running into the mausoleum. He’s out of breath and foaming at the mouth. Estelle points at him and screams. ESTELLE The Woofman wipes the foam from his mouth with the back of his paw. WOOFMAN Frank confronts the Woofman. FRANK He points at Estelle. WOOFMAN He points at Dr. Aqula. Frank grabs the sides of his square head and hollers. FRANK Dr. Aqula shrugs and rolls his eyes. DR. AQULA Everyone stands there and thinks about it for a second. WOOFMAN It looked like there was going to be a giant monster battle, but maybe not. Everybody shuffles their feet uneasily. Just then Brittany and Frankie come running in all out of breath. BRITTANY Everybody turns and looks at her with a quizzical expression. EVERYBODY BRITTANY Father Paddy steps forward. FATHER PADDY Frankie adds in . . . FRANKIE Dr. Aqula steps forward. DR. AQULA Father Paddy rubs his chin thoughtfully. FATHER PADDY BRITTANY Everybody nods their head. Brittany and Frankie run out leading the way and everyone follows along after her. EXT. PARK – NIGHT It’s still a stand-off between the mob of enraged citizens on one side of the park, and the zombies on the other side. They holler epithets at each other. MOB #1 ZOMBIE #1 They throw rocks from one side to the other. A rock hits a zombie and he falls to pieces. Finally, a little, ten-year-old GIRL wearing overalls who speaks with a southern accent steps up. She points at a zombie man in overalls, MR. CUNNINGHAM. GIRL Mr. Cunningham looks at her with a disgusted expression. MR. CUNNINGHAM A MOB BYSTANDER hollers . . . MOB BYSTANDER The mob howls and moves in on the little girl with it’s clubs and sticks waving. Just then our heroes come running up into the center of the action—the peacemakers. Father Paddy raises his arms. FATHER PADDY AL BARLOW is a zombie who is about to bite into the brain of the well-dressed man standing in front of him. They both look up. FATHER PADDY Al Barlow looks slightly ashamed. MR. GOLDSTEIN turns and glares at him reproachfully. FATHER PADDY TOM RYMER has a chainsaw and is about to cut off a zombie’s head. FATHER PADDY Tom Rymer lowers the chainsaw. He and Bill Fuller smile at each other. A BYSTANDER #1 speaks up. BYSTANDER #1 Dr. Aqula steps up and raises his hands. The crowd quiets down. DR. AQULA Bystander #1 yells out. BYSTANDER #1 BYSTANDER #2 reaches out and touches the other man’s shoulder. BYSTANDER #2 DR. AQULA Bystander #1 speaks up again. BYSTANDER #1 Frank scratches his square head. FRANK BYSTANDER #1 Frank can’t believe it, touching his own chest. FRANK DR. AQULA DR. AQULA (cont.) Frank raises his hands for quiet. FRANK The entire crowd answers. CROWD Just then Estelle pushes her way through the crowd. She looks slightly insane. ESTELLE Estelle comes toward us, her arms outstretched and walks directly into the lens, bumping her nose. She grabs her nose. ESTELLE DISSOLVE: The lights are on in the church, the organ plays, and the sign in front of the church says, “Midnight Mass, Monsters Welcome.” INT. CHURCH – NIGHT All of the pews are now filled, mainly with monsters: Dr. Aqula, Estelle, Frankie and Brittany, Frank, Sr., as well as all of the zombies, which is most of the population at this point. Father Paddy leads them from the podium in singing “Amazing Grace.” Mr. and Mrs. Johnson are there, blackened and still smoldering, smoke rising off of them, but looking happy. Estelle reaches out and puts her arms around Frank, Sr. and Dr. Aqula and gives them both a hug. Her present and former husbands smile, leaning their heads on her shoulders. Frankie puts his arm around his sister, Brittany, and they both smile. All of the zombies put their arms around each other and smile. The Bishop steps into the church, sees all of the filled pews and he too smiles happily. The Woofman sees Frank with his arm around Estelle and looks sad. He turns and sees the Bishop standing in the doorway. The Bishop glances up and sees the Woofman. They both like the looks of the other, raise their eyebrows and smile. Love is in the air. EXT. CHURCH – NIGHT The happy congregation streams out of the church and down the steps. The Bishop and the Woofman are busily talking, laughing at each other’s jokes. WOOFMAN The Bishop bursts out laughing and slaps Woofman on the arm. Barney and Claudia, still wearing a lab coat and holding tightly onto Barney while stroking his head, step up to Barney’s Mom, who’s 25 years older since we last saw her. BARNEY Claudia looks at Barney’s Mom and smiles, realizing she too has a human brain. CLAUDIA Barney nods and rubs her arm. BARNEY CLAUDIA Barney peels Claudia off of him for a second. BARNEY Barney and his Mom take a step off to the side. BARNEY BARNEY’S MOM Barney rolls his eyes and snorts. BARNEY Barney’s dad comes walking up and he’s now a zombie, too. Barney’s Mom looks at him in disgust. BARNEY’S MOM Barney goes back to Claudia, who puts her arms around him and holds him tight. They kiss. Barney’s Mom shrugs helplessly. Just outside the church, the Zombie Boy and the Zombie girl have set up a food kiosk, the sign proclaiming, “Brain-Testines – Cerebell-Yum!!” Another sign says, “Brain Cones, 75-cents.” INT. FOOD KIOSK – NIGHT A ZOMBIE HUSBAND and wife step up to the food kiosk. ZOMBIE HUSBAND Two SEATED ZOMBIES, one white, the other black, sit on the ground in the kiosk with the tops of their skulls removed. The zombie boy and girl are busily scooping out the brains of the seated zombies with ice cream scoops, putting them into cones and making brain cones. Above the white seated zombie a signs says, “Vanilla,” and above the black seated zombie it says, “Chocolate.” The white zombie remarks to the black zombie. BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE Meanwhile, more zombies line up for brain cones. The zombie boy and girl keep scooping away, making brain cones. BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE And most everybody in Bad Ax is happy.
THE END |
BECKERFILMS
SITE MENU
[
Main ] [ Film
& TV Work ] [ Screenplays
] [
Old Stuff ]
[ Reviews ]
[ Articles, Essays & Stories
] [
Ask the Director ]
[ Favorite Films ]
[ Scrapbook ]
[ Links (& Afterword)
] [ Web
Team ]
