Frank and Woofman circle each other warily as Estelle looks on.

                                    What you doing here?

                                    I could ask you the same thing,
                                    couldn’t I?

                                    Well, since it’s my house I could
                                    ask both of you what you’re doing here?

                                    Hey, the front door was wide open,
                                    monsters coming and going, I thought
                                    it was an open house.

                                    Yeah, right.  I didn’t think you went out
                                    during a lunar eclipse?

                                    No more talk!  Get lost!

                                    You’re makin’ a big mistake, mister!
                                                (to Estelle)
                                    Lunar eclipse?

Woofman looks out the hallway window . . .


The moon is covered by the Earth’s shadow. 


All of the Woofman’s fur is on the floor around his feet.  We see that he is in fact a very hairy, pot-bellied, Robin Williams-type of man.  He looks down at himself.

                                    Don’t look at me, I’m hideous!

He jumps through the window in a shower of shattering glass.


The howling angry mob swarms into the town square, waving sticks and clubs.

                                    Kill!  Kill!  Kill!

                                                            MOB #1
                                    Let’s kill the Jews!

                                                            MOB #2
                                    Hey!  We ain’t got no Jews here.

                                                            MOB #1
                                    Then let’s kill the Episcopalians!

The whole mob agrees.

                                    Let’s kill the Episcopalians!

It then occurs to Mob member #1.

                                                            MOB #1
                                    Hey, wait a minute.  I’m an Episcopalian.

The whole mob turns on him, clubbing him to the ground.

                                    Kill him!


Father Paddy is waving the chainsaw around like Leatherface.  The bat flies in and out tormenting the priest.  Father Paddy cuts the marionette strings and the bat plops on the stone floor, then immediately turns back into his human form.  Father Paddy still has the chainsaw. 

Dr. Aqula steps back over to the wall where there is another glass case with a hammer hanging from a chain.  The sign above it says, “In the even more unlikely event of a chainsaw-wielding priest attack, Break Glass.”  Dr. Aqula breaks the glass and takes
out . . . an even bigger chainsaw.

The doctor and priest circle each other with chainsaws.


Barney runs up the street away from the haunted mansion.  He stops, looks down, and realizes he’s both shit and pissed himself again.

                                    Oh, man.

Suddenly, at the end of the block is a slow-moving person, possibly a zombie, wearing a white lab coat and coming toward him.  Barney goes for his pistol and realizes he lost it.  Barney looks closer and sees that it’s the beautiful dead girl, Claudia.  Barney recognizes her and melts inside. 

                                    Can I help you, miss?

                                    Human brains.

Barney smiles, acting bashful.

                                    I’ve got one of those, or at least I’m
                                    pretty sure I do.  I’ve never actually
                                    seen it.

The girl steps up to Barney and begins stroking his head.

                                    Human brains?

                                    Yep, that’s where I keep ‘em.  Air
                                    tight and vacuum-packed.

The girl snuggles up to Barney and feels his head, trying to figure out how to crack the nut.

                                    Mmmmmm, human brains.  Good.

Barney turns to us and says . . .

                                    What can I say, she likes me for my


Estelle has her hand on Frank’s shoulder.

                                    Come on, Frank.  You’ve gotta move
                                    on with your life.
                                                (Frank growls)
                                    You’ve got to stop obsessing about
                                                (Frank growls again)
                                    You know I’ll always like you as a
                                                (Frank moans in despair)
                                    You think you’ll somehow make me
                                    love you again?  How, Frank?  I’m
                                    remarried.  There’s no hope for us.
                                    Give it up.

Estelle turns and goes into her bedroom.

Frank looks down in dejection and sees Barney’s gun.  He reaches down and picks it up.

                                    A gun?  This solve all Frankenstein’s

In the center of the city park the unruly mob comes over one grassy hill, then the zombies come over another and it’s a stand-off.  Mob versus zombies.  They jeer at one another.  Finally, the zombies all lower their pants, stick their bare asses out and moon the mob in the moonlight.  Some of the zombie’s rotten butt cheeks fall off.  The mob screams in anger. 

Among the zombies are an ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE of sixty, wearing a tam-o-shanter and holding a bent stick, and TEEN SCOTS ZOMBIE listening to him.  The Elder has a thick Scottish brogue.  He points at the boy’s head.
                                                            ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE
                                    Remember, use your head, boy.

When the man touches the zombie boy’s head, it falls off and rolls away.

                                                            ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE
                                    Ach, that’s a bloody shame.  Well, then,
                                    use your heart, boy.

The man touches the boys chest and his heart falls out hitting the ground with a plop.

                                                            ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE
                                    Ach, that’s a bloody shame, too.  Well,
                                    then, use your strong, manly hands, lad.

He grabs the boy by the wrists and his arms come off.

                                                            ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE
                                    Ach, that’s an even bigger bloody shame,
                                    lad.  Well, don’t forget, you’ve always
                                    got your fine young legs.

The boy’s legs and trunk, which are all that remain of him, fall over.

                                                            ELDER SCOTS ZOMBIE
                                    Ach, now that’s a real bloody shame . . .

Meanwhile, the mob and the zombies face off against each other across the open, moonlit field.

Father Paddy and Dr. Aqula square off with their chainsaws held firmly in front of them.  They both turn and find a log propped up on a sawhorse beside them.  They each begin to saw the logs in half, seeing who can do it faster.  Both logs fall in half at the same moment, proving nothing.  Oddly, both Father Paddy’s and Dr. Aqula’s chainsaws simultaneously run out of gas, so they abandon them and square off in martial arts positions.

Dr. Aqula raises his arms extending his cape like bat wings.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Bat-Wing Style Kung-Fu.  There is
                                    no defense.

Suddenly, he darts a hand in and begins slapping the priest’s face back and forth.  The flapping bat wing attack slaps Father Paddy so fast, Dr. Aqula’s hand is nothing but a blur.

Just then Frank Stein appears holding Estelle hostage, a gun to her head, his other hand covering her mouth.

                                    Nobody move or girl gets it.

Dr. Aqula stops slapping the priest and steps toward Frank and Estelle. 

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Wait a minute, Frank . . . may I call you
                                    Frank?  I know we’ve had our differences,
                                    but I know how you must feel.  If I ever
                                    lost Estelle, I don’t know what I’d do.
                                    But we both know you would never hurt

Frank realizes how much he loves Estelle.

                                    Frankenstein love Stella.  Never hurt

Just then Estelle wiggles free of Frank’s grasp, turns around and kicks him solidly in the balls.  Frank’s balls fly upward inside of him ringing the bell in his brain, causing his eyes to roll around backward, the bolts in his head begin to short-circuit, then poker chips pour out of his mouth.  Estelle’s hit the jackpot.                

Dr. Aqula and Father Paddy both wince. 

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Eh, women?  Tigers?  Am I right?

Frank puts the pistol against his own temple.

                                    I’ll do it.  Me not kidding.

                                    Yeah?  I think you’re bluffing.

                                    Oh, yeah?

He pulls the trigger and blows his brains out, splattering them against the wall. 

                                    Frankenstein might need those.

Frank scrapes his brains off the wall and tries to stuff them back into the hole in his head.

                                    And put ‘em back in straight this

Just then the Woofman comes running into the mausoleum. He’s out of breath and foaming at the mouth.  Estelle points at him and screams.

                                    He’s got rabies!  Kill him!

The Woofman wipes the foam from his mouth with the back of his paw.

                                    I do not have rabies.  It’s acid reflux
                                    disease, and I take something for it,

Frank confronts the Woofman.

                                    Leave me alone.  Me not love you.
                                    Me love her.

He points at Estelle.   

                                    But she’s married to him.

He points at Dr. Aqula.  Frank grabs the sides of his square head and hollers.

                                    Life sucks!

Dr. Aqula shrugs and rolls his eyes.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    You think being dead is some kind
                                    of picnic?  Boy oh boy, have you
                                    got something coming.  Death is the
                                    worst.  Well, you’ll see.  You’ll all see.

Everyone stands there and thinks about it for a second.

                                    Well, that really spoiled the party, Dr.

It looked like there was going to be a giant monster battle, but maybe not.  Everybody shuffles their feet uneasily.  

Just then Brittany and Frankie come running in all out of breath.

                                    Quick, a zob of mombies is attacking!

Everybody turns and looks at her with a quizzical expression.


                                    I meant, a mob of zombies are attacking
                                    the town!

Father Paddy steps forward.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    You see?  Your kind are destroying our
                                    peaceful community.

Frankie adds in . . .

                                    And the townspeople are lynching all
                                    of the Episcopalians.

Dr. Aqula steps forward.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Ah ha!  Now the kettle is calling black
                                    on the other shoe!  Who are the real
                                    monsters, holy man?

Father Paddy rubs his chin thoughtfully.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Maybe I have been too hasty in raising
                                    a chainsaw against my brother.

                                    You guys have to do something, I’m just
                                    starting to make friends here.  I mean, I
                                    haven’t actually made any yet, but I could.                          

Everybody nods their head.  Brittany and Frankie run out leading the way and everyone follows along after her.


It’s still a stand-off between the mob of enraged citizens on one side of the park, and the zombies on the other side.  They holler epithets at each other.

                                                            MOB #1
                                    Revivified corpses!

                                                            ZOMBIE #1

They throw rocks from one side to the other.  A rock hits a zombie and he falls to pieces.

Finally, a little, ten-year-old GIRL wearing overalls who speaks with a southern accent steps up.  She points at a zombie man in overalls, MR. CUNNINGHAM.

                                    Hey, Mr. Cunningham.  I go to school
                                    with your boy, Walter.  You tell him I
                                    say “hey.”

Mr. Cunningham looks at her with a disgusted expression.

                                                            MR. CUNNINGHAM
                                    Hay is for horses, little girl.  I thought
                                    you said you went to school.

A MOB BYSTANDER hollers . . .

                                                            MOB BYSTANDER
                                    Kill the illiterate hillbilly girl!

The mob howls and moves in on the little girl with it’s clubs and sticks waving.

Just then our heroes come running up into the center of the action—the peacemakers.  Father Paddy raises his arms.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Wait, please!  You’ve got to stop this!
                                    People!  Zombies!  We shouldn’t be
                                    fighting.  We’re all members of the
                                    same community.  You there, Al
                                    Barlow . . .

AL BARLOW is a zombie who is about to bite into the brain of the well-dressed man standing in front of him.  They both look up.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    Why that’s Mr. Goldstein, he saved you
                                    thousands in taxes when you were alive,
                                    and now you want to go and eat his
                                    meticulously mathematical mind?

Al Barlow looks slightly ashamed.  MR. GOLDSTEIN turns and glares at him reproachfully.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    And Tom Rymer . . .

TOM RYMER has a chainsaw and is about to cut off a zombie’s head.

                                                            FATHER PADDY
                                    That’s Bill Fuller you’re about to
                                    decapitate, and your kids have played
                                    together for years

Tom Rymer lowers the chainsaw.  He and Bill Fuller smile at each other.

A BYSTANDER #1 speaks up.

                                                            BYSTANDER #1
                                    Hey, the junkie priest is right!

Dr. Aqula steps up and raises his hands.  The crowd quiets down.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Hasn’t there been enough killing?     

Bystander #1 yells out.

                                                            BYSTANDER #1
                                    But you’re the one that started all
                                    the killing.

BYSTANDER #2 reaches out and touches the other man’s shoulder.

                                                            BYSTANDER #2
                                    Wait, let’s hear him out.

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    Why can’t we all just get along?  We
                                    all want the same things out of life,
                                    don’t we?  A nice home, good schools
                                    for our children, freedom and democracy?

Bystander #1 speaks up again.

                                                            BYSTANDER #1
                                    The bloodsucking freak is right!

Frank scratches his square head.

                                    Hey, wait.  Human and monster can’t
                                    both be right. 

                                                            BYSTANDER #1
                                    Hey, Frankenstein is right!

Frank can’t believe it, touching his own chest.

                                    Frankenstein right?  Huh? 

                                                            DR. AQULA
                                    During my youth, in what is now
                                    euphemistically referred to as “The
                                    Dark Ages,” we had it rough, let me
                                    tell you.  Cholera, bubonic plague,
                                    the Inquisition.  But we all chipped
                                    in together: we burned the bodies,

                                                            DR. AQULA (cont.)
                                    tortured the infidels, stuck pins through
                                    their tongues, poked out their eyes,
                                    whatever needed to be done.  And we
                                    did it with smiles on our faces, happy
                                    to help.  Why, I still even remember
                                    the song we all sang.
                                    Bring out your dead/
                                    That’s what I said/
                                    If you forget to toss ‘em/
                                    They stink something awesome/
                                    So don’t forget what I said/
                                    Bring out your dead/
                                    That was a good song.

Frank raises his hands for quiet.

                                    Don’t you all see, we must all live
                                    in peace.

The entire crowd answers.

                                    Amen, brother.  Amen.

Just then Estelle pushes her way through the crowd.  She looks slightly insane.

                                    I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeVille.

Estelle comes toward us, her arms outstretched and walks directly into the lens, bumping her nose.  She grabs her nose.



The lights are on in the church, the organ plays, and the sign in front of the church says, “Midnight Mass, Monsters Welcome.”


All of the pews are now filled, mainly with monsters: Dr. Aqula, Estelle, Frankie and Brittany, Frank, Sr., as well as all of the zombies, which is most of the population at this point.  Father Paddy leads them from the podium in singing “Amazing Grace.”

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson are there, blackened and still smoldering, smoke rising off of them, but looking happy.

Estelle reaches out and puts her arms around Frank, Sr. and Dr. Aqula and gives them both a hug.  Her present and former husbands smile, leaning their heads on her shoulders. 

Frankie puts his arm around his sister, Brittany, and they both smile.

All of the zombies put their arms around each other and smile.

The Bishop steps into the church, sees all of the filled pews and he too smiles happily. 

The Woofman sees Frank with his arm around Estelle and looks sad.  He turns and sees the Bishop standing in the doorway.  The Bishop glances up and sees the Woofman.  They both like the looks of the other, raise their eyebrows and smile.  Love is in the air.


The happy congregation streams out of the church and down the steps.  The Bishop and the Woofman are busily talking, laughing at each other’s jokes.

                                    . . . And the Rabbi says, “When the kids
                                    move out.”     

The Bishop bursts out laughing and slaps Woofman on the arm.

Barney and Claudia, still wearing a lab coat and holding tightly onto Barney while stroking his head, step up to Barney’s Mom, who’s 25 years older since we last saw her. 

                                    Mom, I want you to meet Claudia.
                                    Claudia, this is my mom.

Claudia looks at Barney’s Mom and smiles, realizing she too has a human brain.

                                    Human brains?

Barney nods and rubs her arm.

                                    Yes, human brains.

                                    Mmmmm, good.

Barney peels Claudia off of him for a second.

                                    I’ll be right back.

Barney and his Mom take a step off to the side.

                                    So?  What do you think?

                                                            BARNEY’S MOM
                                    Well, she is beautiful, although a bit
                                    thin and pale . . . and of course,  I
                                    really hate to mention it, but she is
                                    a dead zombie that wants to eat your

Barney rolls his eyes and snorts.

                                    Hey, ma!  Nobody’s perfect.

Barney’s dad comes walking up and he’s now a zombie, too.  Barney’s Mom looks at him in disgust.

                                                            BARNEY’S MOM
                                    You’re tellin’ me.

Barney goes back to Claudia, who puts her arms around him and holds him tight.  They kiss.  Barney’s Mom shrugs helplessly. 

Just outside the church, the Zombie Boy and the Zombie girl have set up a food kiosk, the sign proclaiming, “Brain-Testines – Cerebell-Yum!!”  Another sign says, “Brain Cones, 75-cents.” 


A ZOMBIE HUSBAND and wife step up to the food kiosk.

                                                            ZOMBIE HUSBAND
                                    Two brain cones, please.

Two SEATED ZOMBIES, one white, the other black, sit on the ground in the kiosk with the tops of their skulls removed.  The zombie boy and girl are busily scooping out the brains of the seated zombies with ice cream scoops, putting them into cones and making brain cones.   Above the white seated zombie a signs says, “Vanilla,” and above the black seated zombie it says, “Chocolate.”  The white zombie remarks to the black zombie.
                                                            WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    Eh, it’s a living.

                                                            BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE
                                                (intense, like Burgess Meredith)
                                    It’s a waste of life!

                                                            WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    What is?

                                                            BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    What is what?

                                                            WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    I don’t know.  It’s like I’m losing my
                                    short-term memory or something.

Meanwhile, more zombies line up for brain cones.  The zombie boy and girl keep scooping away, making brain cones.

                                                            BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    You’re losing your what?

                                                            WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE

                                                            BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    What were you saying?
                                                            WHITE SEATED ZOMBIE
                                    What was that?

                                                            BLACK SEATED ZOMBIE

And most everybody in Bad Ax is happy.



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